some stuff...again

Yeah I know, again... I find myself holding stuff in again but I think I'm doing so for the simple sake of avoidance. I tend to keep quiet when I already know the answer, when I don't wanna hear the sermon, when I don't wanna hear someone else deciding my shit for me. So I say nothing. I even put myself on time out yesterday because it REALLY occurred to me what I was beginning to feel based on my own reaction to something. I questioned myself on why I reacted the way I did about being left hanging. I delved even deeper with the answer I came up with. Did the who, what and why of it all. And then I remembered that realistically, truly, honestly, deeply, I'm really nothing to someone other than a person behind a screen. I'm no one outside of a simple conversation. So I avoid saying or asking anything. Truthfully, I'd love to be more but I know that will never happen. In my past I always acted based on a guys que. Always laid back, go with the flow. But really that got me no where. A few months ago my life changed, I changed. I told myself not again. I already did the loyal puppy dog waiting on the side routine in the past. I vowed to never do that anymore. I'm purpose driven now. Death knocking at your door does that to you. Kicks you in the ass and wakes you up! For me I want so bad to "grab the prize", so to speak. Not gunna happen. I know it. So I say nothing.....told you all I didn't need stupid cupid....I'm stupid all on my own.