As I've mentioned in my previous entry, I've come to a place where I felt it necessary to spend some time reflecting on my relationships with men throughout my life. Recent developments have led to me being even more critical with my analysis, most especially in order to establish the darker side to my myself and my approach to these relationships. At some point I'll share about this recent development and I have no doubt that it will shed light on why it's been necessary for me to have this kind of approach. It's not easy for me to admit to, let alone face down the bleak aspects of myself and my interpersonal relationships with men but it's something that I need to do if I hope to grow, transcend and live out my life in a way that I can be proud of. In the midst of my introspection, I've been able to identify that my bi-journey started at least a decade before I realised that I am bisexual...which is why my musings begin with my first deep and loving friendship with a man.
[FONT="]I met Leon a couple of months before my decision to go to seminary. At the time of our first meeting, Leon was 19 years old and I was one year his senior. Up till that point in my life, I hadn't had any close relationships with another guy. Yes, I had buds at school, though acquaintances would be a better way of describing the way that we related with each other. Leon and I seemed to just connect and as time progressed, we grew more and more open and trusting towards each other. We moved from being friends, to being best friends, to eventually being like brothers. We knew almost everything about each other and with the information came acceptance and care. The bond between us brought about the kind of physical familiarity that one sees between 6-10 year old boys once they've become close friends: We didn't think twice before standing next to the other, putting one's arm over the other person's shoulder while chatting or placing two chairs side by side in front of the television and huddling up underneath a blanket on a chilly winter's night with our bodies touching in order to get warm. I don't know if it was the innocence or naivety or possibly our inexperience that led to us relating in this manner without worrying about it coming across as being gay or something to that effect.
I had a huge fallout with one of my lecturers (it was a looooong time coming); it was U-G-L-Y!!!! He decided to retaliate by trying to get me thrown out and Leon was unfortunately dragged into the situation. We realised that things were amiss when we noticed that we ended up sitting alone at the table during meals and that the guys tried to sit as far from us as possible during the worship and prayer services...but we didn't put too much thought to what was taking place. We eventually realised that something was horribly wrong when one of the guys that we were friends with, Ronald, avoided being around us. He was a loner at heart, but out of everyone else, he always opted to spend time with us when he was looking for company. We asked him if we'd done something to upset him. He told us that considering the nature of our relationship, he felt it best to give us privacy.
We managed to get a bit more information out of him (though it felt like pulling teeth at the time) and as we watched Ronald get as far away from our confrontation in as little time as possible, we realised what it was that he’d been alluding to...and we were floored. We agreed that the best course of action was to call a meeting with all of the guys, and to confront the rumours once and for all. I was livid. Much as I was tolerant of homosexuals, there was a bit of a 'phobe in me. I took issue with the fact that the guys thought that we were having a homosexual relationship; it felt like an insult. I was livid because they took something innocent and turned it into what felt like something sordid.
After some discussion, we identified the need to confront the guys about the rumours and find out how they came to be in the first place. We agreed that Leon would get things going; I wanted to dig graves and be done with it, while he wanted to get to the bottom of things. By the time that our meeting with the guys had drawn to a close, we had come to see that the lecturer that I’d had the fallout with was had spread rumours about how Leon and I were lovers...and since he is a priest, the other guys saw fit to believe what he was saying. Something had to be done about it, so we came to the conclusion that we'd make our spiritual director aware of the situation and ask him for advice on how to put an end to the bullshit once and for all. Despite the anger inside of me, everything still felt very surreal. I found it hard to reconcile myself to the fact that it was possible for things to get out of hand like they had.
Things returned to an awkward kind of normalcy. It was easy to see that the guys felt guilty and didn't know what to do with the guilt. On my side, on the surface things went back to the way that they were but deep inside of me, I found it impossible to relate with them in the way that I did. Ronald tried to patch things up between us, but he was met with indifference; I felt that he could have come to me and asked what was going on between us or he could have made me aware of the rumours...but he didn't and it left me feeling betrayed. We'd met with our spiritual director who initially flipped out because he felt that the priest in question's behaviour was completely unacceptable and it was followed by his promise to tackle things and put an end to things once and for all.
Leon and I were summoned to his office about two days after we'd met with him and made him aware of what was going on. We were expecting to hear something along the lines of the priest getting a rap over the knuckles, or something to that effect. However, we were told that he wasn't willing to offer any kind of explanation for his decision, but we were banned from each other regardless of whether it was in a private or public place; we were not allowed to be alone at any given time even at a mall...and if we were caught together, we'd be expelled immediately. I tried to challenge his decision but it was met with "You WILL obey or start packing your bags!!!!" We left his office and went directly to the chapel because it was time for midday prayer.
I sat a couple of rows behind Leon and while we prayed, I watched tears streaming down his cheeks while everyone looked at me questioningly. My heart was crushed and while I watched him cry, my tears dried up and the gentle side that he'd managed to draw to the surface went away; my heart had gone into cold storage. As the days and weeks passed by, the pain that I felt turned into rage. The same rang true for Leon, who acted out by challenging all figures and forms of authority; he felt deeply betrayed by our director - he felt that the decision made sent out the message that the rumours were true. I couldn't overlook the hypocrisy of it all: that the very people who preached about love, acceptance and compassion were the first to offer judgment, condemnation and injustice. I acted out by challenging the hypocrisy through defending homosexuals and fighting for gay rights. Much as I wish that all of my motivations were noble, I have to admit that I did so out of anger and vindictiveness; I wanted to take the very thing that was used to hurt us and use it to make life as difficult and uncomfortable for everybody else
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Leon saw my militancy as a form of betrayal; that my challenging the hypocrisy of those around us and their homophobia was an admission of our guilt. Why else would I be fighting for gay rights? I saw Leon's war as stupid and self destructive; by challenging the powers that be, he was asking to be expelled. Hindsight tells me that I was projecting a lot of where I was at upon him. Common sense was overruled by rage and before we realised it, we had turned on each other and destruction was setting in rapidly; our trains had derailed. What made matters worse was the fact that we didn't have the freedom to sit down and talk things out; all of our fights took place in writing.
The more that things deteriorated, the more that I started to unravel. No surprise! I started to have major anger management issues. I would flair up at the drop of a hat and my words were caustic. All in all, my emotional/psychological issues emerged at this point and I was so busy fighting that I didn't take the time to keep things in check. I became an angry, vindictive and hateful person. Unfortunately most of it flowed in Leon's direction, though the community got their fair share of it...to the point where they became fearful of me. I hurt because of the person that I was watching myself become: Up till that point, I had never gotten into uncontrollable fits of anger or tore people apart verbally. I hated what I was becoming and it added to my rage. I looked at Leon's pain and I was guilt-ridden. I couldn't help but identify that if I hadn't had the fallout with the lecturer, he wouldn't have been vindictive and we would have been left alone. I blamed myself myself because of it. I watched Leon unravel and I attacked him for his stupidity but my attacks weren't based on his welfare, but because I knew that if he destroyed himself, I'd bear even greater guilt. Everything had turned into chaos.
[FONT="]I met Leon a couple of months before my decision to go to seminary. At the time of our first meeting, Leon was 19 years old and I was one year his senior. Up till that point in my life, I hadn't had any close relationships with another guy. Yes, I had buds at school, though acquaintances would be a better way of describing the way that we related with each other. Leon and I seemed to just connect and as time progressed, we grew more and more open and trusting towards each other. We moved from being friends, to being best friends, to eventually being like brothers. We knew almost everything about each other and with the information came acceptance and care. The bond between us brought about the kind of physical familiarity that one sees between 6-10 year old boys once they've become close friends: We didn't think twice before standing next to the other, putting one's arm over the other person's shoulder while chatting or placing two chairs side by side in front of the television and huddling up underneath a blanket on a chilly winter's night with our bodies touching in order to get warm. I don't know if it was the innocence or naivety or possibly our inexperience that led to us relating in this manner without worrying about it coming across as being gay or something to that effect.
I had a huge fallout with one of my lecturers (it was a looooong time coming); it was U-G-L-Y!!!! He decided to retaliate by trying to get me thrown out and Leon was unfortunately dragged into the situation. We realised that things were amiss when we noticed that we ended up sitting alone at the table during meals and that the guys tried to sit as far from us as possible during the worship and prayer services...but we didn't put too much thought to what was taking place. We eventually realised that something was horribly wrong when one of the guys that we were friends with, Ronald, avoided being around us. He was a loner at heart, but out of everyone else, he always opted to spend time with us when he was looking for company. We asked him if we'd done something to upset him. He told us that considering the nature of our relationship, he felt it best to give us privacy.
We managed to get a bit more information out of him (though it felt like pulling teeth at the time) and as we watched Ronald get as far away from our confrontation in as little time as possible, we realised what it was that he’d been alluding to...and we were floored. We agreed that the best course of action was to call a meeting with all of the guys, and to confront the rumours once and for all. I was livid. Much as I was tolerant of homosexuals, there was a bit of a 'phobe in me. I took issue with the fact that the guys thought that we were having a homosexual relationship; it felt like an insult. I was livid because they took something innocent and turned it into what felt like something sordid.
After some discussion, we identified the need to confront the guys about the rumours and find out how they came to be in the first place. We agreed that Leon would get things going; I wanted to dig graves and be done with it, while he wanted to get to the bottom of things. By the time that our meeting with the guys had drawn to a close, we had come to see that the lecturer that I’d had the fallout with was had spread rumours about how Leon and I were lovers...and since he is a priest, the other guys saw fit to believe what he was saying. Something had to be done about it, so we came to the conclusion that we'd make our spiritual director aware of the situation and ask him for advice on how to put an end to the bullshit once and for all. Despite the anger inside of me, everything still felt very surreal. I found it hard to reconcile myself to the fact that it was possible for things to get out of hand like they had.
Things returned to an awkward kind of normalcy. It was easy to see that the guys felt guilty and didn't know what to do with the guilt. On my side, on the surface things went back to the way that they were but deep inside of me, I found it impossible to relate with them in the way that I did. Ronald tried to patch things up between us, but he was met with indifference; I felt that he could have come to me and asked what was going on between us or he could have made me aware of the rumours...but he didn't and it left me feeling betrayed. We'd met with our spiritual director who initially flipped out because he felt that the priest in question's behaviour was completely unacceptable and it was followed by his promise to tackle things and put an end to things once and for all.
Leon and I were summoned to his office about two days after we'd met with him and made him aware of what was going on. We were expecting to hear something along the lines of the priest getting a rap over the knuckles, or something to that effect. However, we were told that he wasn't willing to offer any kind of explanation for his decision, but we were banned from each other regardless of whether it was in a private or public place; we were not allowed to be alone at any given time even at a mall...and if we were caught together, we'd be expelled immediately. I tried to challenge his decision but it was met with "You WILL obey or start packing your bags!!!!" We left his office and went directly to the chapel because it was time for midday prayer.
I sat a couple of rows behind Leon and while we prayed, I watched tears streaming down his cheeks while everyone looked at me questioningly. My heart was crushed and while I watched him cry, my tears dried up and the gentle side that he'd managed to draw to the surface went away; my heart had gone into cold storage. As the days and weeks passed by, the pain that I felt turned into rage. The same rang true for Leon, who acted out by challenging all figures and forms of authority; he felt deeply betrayed by our director - he felt that the decision made sent out the message that the rumours were true. I couldn't overlook the hypocrisy of it all: that the very people who preached about love, acceptance and compassion were the first to offer judgment, condemnation and injustice. I acted out by challenging the hypocrisy through defending homosexuals and fighting for gay rights. Much as I wish that all of my motivations were noble, I have to admit that I did so out of anger and vindictiveness; I wanted to take the very thing that was used to hurt us and use it to make life as difficult and uncomfortable for everybody else
[/FONT]
Leon saw my militancy as a form of betrayal; that my challenging the hypocrisy of those around us and their homophobia was an admission of our guilt. Why else would I be fighting for gay rights? I saw Leon's war as stupid and self destructive; by challenging the powers that be, he was asking to be expelled. Hindsight tells me that I was projecting a lot of where I was at upon him. Common sense was overruled by rage and before we realised it, we had turned on each other and destruction was setting in rapidly; our trains had derailed. What made matters worse was the fact that we didn't have the freedom to sit down and talk things out; all of our fights took place in writing.
The more that things deteriorated, the more that I started to unravel. No surprise! I started to have major anger management issues. I would flair up at the drop of a hat and my words were caustic. All in all, my emotional/psychological issues emerged at this point and I was so busy fighting that I didn't take the time to keep things in check. I became an angry, vindictive and hateful person. Unfortunately most of it flowed in Leon's direction, though the community got their fair share of it...to the point where they became fearful of me. I hurt because of the person that I was watching myself become: Up till that point, I had never gotten into uncontrollable fits of anger or tore people apart verbally. I hated what I was becoming and it added to my rage. I looked at Leon's pain and I was guilt-ridden. I couldn't help but identify that if I hadn't had the fallout with the lecturer, he wouldn't have been vindictive and we would have been left alone. I blamed myself myself because of it. I watched Leon unravel and I attacked him for his stupidity but my attacks weren't based on his welfare, but because I knew that if he destroyed himself, I'd bear even greater guilt. Everything had turned into chaos.
