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Getting emotional when listening to music.

I feel like I'm the only man who gets like this...

I guess my first blog post is going to be me posting to get something off my chest. Is it so odd that maybe as a man I hear a song and it brings me back to a moment when things were different? When I was younger and the world didn't weigh me down with so much shit and heartache? Maybe I just want to remember people as they were in the good memories I had with them. Sometimes I want to remember a friend I've lost.

This post itself is going to be pretty emotional I guess. The reason I popped this cherry so to speak and needed to just get my thoughts written(or typed if you prefer) and stop them from swirling as fast in my own head, is because my girlfriend ripped into me for shedding a tear at a song. The song reminded me of my best friend who I lost as of December 20, 2010. There's more to the story and our history as to why we were so close and to why the blow of losing him was(and still very much so is) so utterly devastating other than him being my best friend. He was more than that even, he saved me from a lot of bad and stupid things(although explaining may be better saved for another blog post when I feel more open about these things). I felt like he was a brother or a guardian angel of sorts. Maybe some of the few people out there that will read this know this feeling and have a friend who is this person for you. But to get back on point, I don't understand why a man has to be stern faced and stoic, never showing true emotion in that way...the part that has me angry,hurt, and confused (along with a plethora of other emotions) is its my girlfriend who I've been with for 18 months. A woman I'd absolutely die for and someone whose friendship and companionship means more than everything to me. The same woman who has said she wants me to share everything with her and she does the same. Yet a song triggers a response in me to someone who was closer to me than she is, which feels near impossible, and she says "How can a man cry at a song? That's not what men do." I'm just lost as to how to feel, so many emotions bubbling at the same time.

In conclusion, I know this first blog post is a bit of a mess but I needed to get it out, it may be incoherent but it's mine. Hopefully there's at least one of the five people out there that reads this that understands it.


Goodnight.

Comments

I
In my humble opinion, a REAL man is anything but "stern-faced and stoic" all the time. It's nice sometimes, yes, but I love when my boyfriend cries. We were at a bar once, a few days after he found out that one of his friends committed suicide. He hadn't expressed much emotion over it, but our relationship was still fairly new so I wasn't sure what was normal for him or not. I also wasn't sure how close the friendship was. So anyway, we were at this bar listening to my friends band play. It was loud, lots of 80's hairband guys, slutty biker chicks, etcetera. Suddenly he turns and looks at me and said, "Will you come outside with me for a minute?" He looked visibly upset, eyes were red. We got up and went to the parking lot and he just lost it. I held him for ~10 minutes and just let him cry on my shoulder. Some song that was playing (I can't remember which one now) reminded him of his friend and the whole thing just sorta hit home with him. I think he had just been in shock over the situation and hadn't really been able to believe that his friend was really dead until that moment. It was beautiful and sad and I loved that I was able to be there for him.

As far as the girlfriend does, make sure she knows that it wasn't necessarily the SONG that made you cry, but the memories behind it. Also let her know that since you are a REAL man, you will express emotion throughout your life and sadness is an emotion. If she can't learn to support you through it instead of spanking you for it, maybe you need to find a new girlfriend.
 
Hotlatbtm
How could she cheapen the memory of your best friend. I get the same way for some songs ( pacobel's canon in D, same auld lang syne - fogelberg ) She doesn't understand. Your a special person to be able to 'let' your inner self out. Too bad she doesn't want that person. She does but the man your 'supposed' to be. Hmmmmm 18 months huh. How 'well' do you know her ? What are 'her' trigger points ? ( obviously you crying is one) what makes her sad ? Is there any memory for her that does what this song does to you ? 18 mths is a short time BUT you need to learn more about her 'before' spending the rest of your life with her as you don't want to 'hide' who you are when you hear songs and they 'move' you.
 
invisibleman
But to get back on point, I don't understand why a man has to be stern faced and stoic, never showing true emotion in that way...the part that has me angry,hurt, and confused (along with a plethora of other emotions) is its my girlfriend who I've been with for 18 months. A woman I'd absolutely die for and someone whose friendship and companionship means more than everything to me. The same woman who has said she wants me to share everything with her and she does the same. Yet a song triggers a response in me to someone who was closer to me than she is, which feels near impossible, and she says "How can a man cry at a song? That's not what men do."--Morph


You probably shouldn't listen to your girlfriend about what the proper things men are supposed to do. Your feelings are what they are.


If she has anymore ideas about what men are supposed to be and do...you probably will need to find out what they are and see if you align with them at all before things get any serious.

 
D
I am sorry for your loss... I cry at certain songs that bring back sad memories or remind me of people I've loved and lost. Men should not be held to a different standard. (I think there is a thread in forums about men crying....if I knew how to search well I'd find it for you.)

Your gf (of 18 months ~ which is a short time in the scheme of life) has just given you a glimpse of what she is TRULY like. Her ideas of "what men do and don't do" are not compatible to what you feel.

I agree with YOU ... some men do cry and it is OK to cry at a song that stirs feelings in you. Isn't that what music is about? Making us feel emotions? Happines, joy, carefree, and yes, sadness. (I will never forget how I felt the firt time I saw my dad cry... a very stoic, hard man... but the tears were real... and a bit refreshing to me to know he had real feelings, too).

IMO, I think you should sit your GF down and have a little talk with her about what she expects from a "man". Real mean do cry... real mean do express themselves emotionally... and real men have meaningful conversations with the ones they love to let them know how they feel.

If she can't get over the fact that you are an emotional person (AND a rearl man), perhaps you might want to rethink the past 18 months.... looking even further down the future. A year and a half... that is not long.

I think what you have just expressed from her... kinda dropped her pedestal level a bit... wouldn't ya say?

(and no, I'm not saying girls should be put on a pedestal, it is an analogy.)

Good luck
Fancy~
 
ThatFellaUK
I feel you.

I find music incredibly powerful for a whole bunch of reasons but generally they're triggers for past memories - good and bad.

I'm not a crier at all - some have pulled me up on this - but I am definitely in touch with myself emotionally and tell people how I feel about them which maybe is why I don't.

But I feel it.

It's a bit shit that your girl reacted the way she did - especially, as you said, she wants you to share everything. The woman you'd die for and I'm guessing love and respects you came out with a pretty off-the-cuff generalisation. But I'ma also guess she just didn't get the levity of the situation.

I'd find it less common for a dude to just well up over a song itself... I would think generally if this happens it would be tied to an event, pastime or person. The fact this didn't occur to her is a bit odd, but again, maybe she just didn't understand at the time.

Have you talked to her about it?
 
bigza123
We're brought up and taught to think that showing emotion is something that people look down on. Unfortunately, this is how the world is, and you haven't been infected with this thought. Fortunately, it means you've developed sympathy, and you're probably also a very empathetic person. Emapthy is one of the very last traits to develop in most of us, and it's hard for anyone to understand another's hurt or joy.

Give your girlfriend time. Us empathetic people feel both the good and the bad very strongly.

I often feel my heart is going to burst...

That's empathy for you.
 
LaFemme
It's ok to feel that way. You're not the only man to feel deeply touched by music. Your girlfriend doesn't understand right now, but maybe, in time, she will. She loves you, so this will be something she'll come to accept. You might have just challenged some preconceived notion she had - she can change it.

And your blog post wasn't a mess :)
 
K
Read and understood, and we are both the same,,two men who can show emotions.....and that's the way it should be.
cheers
 
Morph89
I wanted to firstly thank everyone for responding. I don't know why but I was half expecting to get berated (seems to happen everywhere else on the internet), but anyways, here goes.

My girlfriend and I had talked about it the night after I had written the post and we discussed things. I told her why that song reminded me of Tyler, and the specific memory it brought me back to. She started tearing up and saying that she'd never seen me cry and that she was joking, that she hadn't meant to hurt me. It just confused (and still confuses) me and made me question why? If I was crying (especially for the first time with her) and being completely open why would that be her first instinct and her defense to me crying. Its not like she's never been compassionate either. in fact she's very compassionate and loving towards me, and shes helped me over a lot of hurdles and rough patches so it was a very out of left field comment for her.

Apparently there seems to be a lot of things I still have to think about in trying to figure out where to go with our relationship. I'm having a hard time separating my heart from my mind... she's the one woman(or person really besides Tyler) I've ever felt comfortable being myself with. I've always had to put on this armor to deal with my family growing up, my father being horribly physically abusive towards me and my mother and my mom turning into the same sort of person in a verbal/emotional sense towards me as I grew up, and my girlfriend is the one person now that I can let that guard down with and that feeling is special to me. I've actually grown with her, grew into MY personality instead of the facade I had been putting on. Motivated myself and jumped leaps and bounds to provide a better life for myself and she's been my support all the way through. I've left my dead end retail job, lost weight, and joined the Army. But maybe these things are clouding my judgement on who she is? I attribute a lot of me growing up and overcoming my obstacles to her being someone I can lean on and talk to. God...it's all just so damn confusing...kinda fucked up how a comment can make you re-evaluate a person.


Again, I apologize if it's hard to follow. I apparently have a knack for writing these things on 0 hours of sleep so my thoughts aren't always as clear :).
 
D
Hi there! I'm so sorry to hear about Tyler. He sounds like he was an AMAZING friend and human being. To be that close with someone and yourself is such a rare thing to find. I really do hope that you find your peace with the fact that he has passed away because you do seem like a genuinely likable guy and no one should be miserable.

I think that for your girlfriend to rip into you when you're being emotional was a bit harsh, even if she was joking. Men and women both have emotion and it is perfectly normal to cry when you are reminiscing about something that affects you deeply and I commend you for that because A LOT of guys don't want to open up and that's what makes them feel worse and worse.

I grew up similar to you. My father was very abusive toward the entire family and he was on drugs. I am the youngest in my family so I didn't understand much at the time. I'm 20 years old now and I am glad my mum left him and moved on. My dad has also changed and I still keep in contact with him. I always told myself never to talk to him ever but I'm not that kind of person so I decided to change. Not for him but because I was battling with my emotions. It made me a better person. I hope you find it in your heart to forgive those who have hurt you and your family and just be the happy individual you are meant to be because only you know what you need and if you feel that you need to take time to yourself, then do that. In the meantime maybe tell your partner more and how you're feeling everyday or even a counselor.

Thank you for sharing your story and I really really do hope you find comfort and I hope I was a little bit of help. You can always post here about how you're feeling and I'm sure some people will be interested in your stories and they'll be here for extra support :). Take care!

-Danzy
 

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Morph89
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