This is one to *him*. Another loose thread in the chaotic mess I'm boxing.
I'm still often stuck in the past. I'm sorry for not being able to fully move on. You must hate me for being like this. I'm still having almost daily dreams of you and me. Just you and me having conversation, a bit like this blog. In my dreams, something happens to make you visit, either with or without her, and then we get to talking. I suppose the "something happens" kinda is a pretext in my subconscious because we're not talking now. And probably never will. I don't think I'll ever send you this. However, I will write it out, even if just for me.
Anyway, about my dreams. We talk. It usually starts with either you asking about or her launching another accusation of hers. As so many she has made in reality. And me responding with the "I didn't do it". Or if all you ask is why I did X or Y, "if you ask me why, only you can answer", because, if I didn't do it and you made it up, you won't believe it anyway. If there's one thing I learned over the past years, it is that denying any of those accusations isn't working. If someone believes a lie, a simple denial can't change that conviction. I can't change her beliefs, but her beliefs can't change the truth, either.
I never hacked into her accounts. I already wrote a blog about that, which I assume you never read. It's hurt me deeply, that one. Obviously, as I wouldn't bring it up anymore if it didn't. Please believe me. It would mean a lot to me if you did. I guess, it still would mean a lot to me if you believed me, because, you still mean a lot to me. And that shouldn't be. I shouldn't care. I'm so, so sorry.
You probably were right to not want to get involved with me. I've since watched a lot of YouTube, and determined I'm what they call "an avoidant". I need a lot of time and space to come to terms with my feelings and be able to commit. Compare it to taming a wild animal: you need a lot of patience to get there. Someone to be *avoided* at all costs wrt relationships, they say. The worst. Yes, it can change, and I hope that I will be able to turn that aspect of me around. JR/PW is the best that ever happened to me, in that respect. I don't think he realizes it. He brings out the best in me.
No, we're not a couple. I know you asked that, in the past. He's very much married to the love of his life, and even if he weren't, as much as he cares about me, I am not attracted to him as a partner. We have a deep friendship. The other time, I was looking for a correct term for it, as answering we are "just friends" didn't feel right. He's my best friend. Yes, he and I do flirt, a lot, which I'm sure you've seen. But, still, we're friends, not partners. I've always checked with him whether things would be problematic for his wife, and if he had said it was, I wouldn't have gone there. For me, well, the reasoning is different.
I know that you and her are. JR also said so. I can't lie to you and say that your choice of partner makes me happy. Years ago, probably I could have. Since, too much has happened between me and her. I don't think she ever understood, but, to me, if I love someone, it's more important to see them happy than to make them mine. Yes, it may have hurt, but, I truly wouldn't want to interfere with that. I'm very much old-fashioned/conservative, and I wouldn't want to start something with a man who's taken. I don't want to be someone's dirty secret/side piece. I don't want to be "the other woman". I probably should say, I deserve better, but, perhaps I don't deserve for anyone to love me at all, if they say avoidants are to be avoided. I'm trying to be a good person, I truly am. I just so often feel too much broken to be relationship material. Too much luggage from the past for anyone to deal with. A lot is falling into place in my life, but I'm not nearly ready to truly date. I don't easily fall in love (or out of love, for that matter), and whatever was (not) between us, know that you weren't a coincidence. You weren't random, to me. It couldn't have been any the next guy. Perhaps I could fall for you only because you weren't interested in starting anything on that site, so you weren't overly complimenting or coming on too hard. And just like me, you were there trying to have fun, to escape from the reality you were in offline. I've realized by now that almost *everyone* on that site or a similar one is in that boat. The only exceptions being those who found their partners there and stick around "for old times sake". But even those who are happily married are coming there to fulfill some aspect that's lacking in their lives.
This is making me feel very vulnerable to admit. Yet, if I can't be honest, whatever is (not) between us would be no more than some kind of illusion. P has in the past accused me of a lot of things, and being a lot of persons. Most of it is purely b***sh*t. I have at some point had a second profile however. I didn't do it "to mess with her" or "to mess with you". I just wanted to get away from the way she was hunting me everywhere. I just wanted to play and be left alone. To not have my every post questioned to be "about her" or "about the two of you". I forgot whom she accused me of being, too many to remember, but to set the record straight, none of your other friends is me. I've never been close to you with an account you didn't know was me. I truly just wanted to have some uncomplicated fun.
As I'm sure C tells you everything (I tested that), there's something else I want to come clean about, and that may bother you. Please let me explain the context.
First point is that they over here tell to *always* do a social media search about guys you meet online. So, since I was interested, I did one for you too. It didn't come up with *anything at all*. Which is rather suspicious, since you also said you had a big family, and no one would be able to be found on stuff like FaceBook? Highly improbable if the name in your email address is correct. So, yes, I tried to dig deeper. I wanted *something* to hold on to, something to confirm that what you had told me wasn't all lies. Especially since I heard a lot of bad things about you. Some came from people very close to you. I'm sure you figured that out by now also, and if not, not up to me to tell you. I'm sorry for that. I realized at some point that a lot of what I know about you, isn't want *you* told me, but what *others* told me about you. And, that isn't right. I guess I was blind about that for a while, and it should have made me running away a lot sooner. I don't know if I would, had I realized before. Anyway.
Between you and me, and I'm sure this part will make you angry, seeing how you lost your temper last time when I did try to talk to you so long ago, but, yes, I have to go there. For me, a big reason I didn't confront and ask you about things that bothered me, was the mention of that tweet I never found hard proof of. I still believe that the Twitter account I found proof of is yours, but as it has been deleted (around the time C dates that tweet coming up), I didn't find actual tweets, only retweets, and of pretty innocent stuff (music). That doesn't mean the tweet didn't exist (absence of proof isn't proof of absence), but even if it did, a lot of what people say can be taken out of context and twisted into something it is not. And/or, people change. I'm just trying to explain, that it hindered me from reaching out to you, in a situation where we had stopped talking normally already, it's not a judgment of you based on what was or wasn't said in the past.
I know we had said in Dec 2019 we would stay friends, and I would have loved that to be true. Today, I think we would have never made it. Every time that you and I interact, I had to be very careful to keep my feelings out. To keep things on the surface. Because, every time we did, I would fall for you all over. Not what you want to hear, I'm sure. Still the truth. I think, it would have kept you and me from having a simple friendship without drama and longing for more. And yes, I'm doing ok these days. I'm having fun with JR on our place, most of the time. In a way, in part, I am moving on from this. I just wish you weren't on my mind so much still. In part, it probably also is because the whole mess is interwoven with all that P did to me and accused me of. It's something that affected me deeply and still is hard not to think about today. I'm still having nightmares in which she kills me (stabbing, poisoning or starving), about twice a week lately, which is better than it has been but still too often.
Some of the things that you and her told me contradict. As an outsider, I could never truly know which of you is lying to me. I already told her the same in the past. Let me give you the same example also. Remember that at some point you asked me "how the hell did she know?" I didn't know, but I could check enough to determine it wasn't something I said, or my email being broken into. She told me much after the fact (like, a year later or so), that you had shared that with her. If you shared your emails to me with her, then you needn't ask "how the hell she knows", and if you didn't, it's yet another lie from her. I'm not expecting you to tell me. I don't think it really matters anymore at this point. It just makes it hard to trust either of you.
Something else that I need to bring up. An inconsistency between you and C this time. C told me that the whole mess with your (now ex) wife was about me. You told me it wasn't. Either she or you lied. I know she lies when it comes to you (did I tell you, I tested?), but that doesn't mean she lies all the time. Tell me, were you trying to get C off of your case, or was it indeed about me? P kept saying the wife "profile" wasn't relevant, so I'm sure she knows, and that even sounds as if it wasn't even your wife at the time. Or did M accidentally found out about you being on X? If it was about me... It was something you should have handled differently.
What I needed, and didn't get from you, is clarity and consistency. I *needed* to know what is going on. Not hear from C that *you'll be back in a week* or something. Even if it were just as friends, I deserved better there. JR and I are such good friends because I know everything I need to know. If he can't make it, even if the reason is "a bad thing happening", he will tell me. I have information on him that people shouldn't know in his case, and he trusts me enough to tell me. And no, I will not tell anyone.
And yes, I'm still keeping a secret for you too even if to me it's nothing that I would consider too private. I'm also keeping a few for her, despite how she's treating me. It's one of the reasons that I've always thought you chose C over me. Your lack of openness. I know I asked that question in the past, and you answered that perhaps at some point you had wanted more. As you said, "you had answered enough", I didn't press on. But I'm still struggling and unsure about what exactly you did or didn't want. I keep telling myself that it isn't relevant today, and, it isn't. But it's still an open question. And one that makes things harder for me. I thrive with clarity. With having my expectations managed. I'm not saying, with predictability, because life isn't that way and I'm perfectly able to be flexible when needed, but when someone raises my expectations, it works better if they act accordingly, and let me know if they can't be around and why. I know I'm very open and honest, and perhaps a lot less of a "private person", just, I can keep a secret, and I'm sure I've proven that. All you would need to do is tell me "this is what it is, and please don't tell anyone", and I never would. I may be challenging at being slow to commit, but I'm damn worth it. I know this one is about the past, perhaps much more public than you'd like. I don't live there anymore. I'm struggling with the ways it changed me. I'm struggling to make sense of a large part of it. But there's no way I would want to go back there. I'm not that woman anymore that worshipped the ground you walked on. You lost her. Today, I'm the one making plans for a life that's my own. Plans in which I'm doing things that I like, surrounded by people who want to be in my life. I think I'm too young to stay alone, but also, I'm worth better than settling for someone who's available. I want someone who wants me, for a change. Someone who sees what I bring to the table and values me. I may be slow to commit, but I'm well worth the wait.
There's one last thing that I want to discuss between you and me. Not because I think discussing it will change anything. Because it matters to me.
She has accused me of a lot of things I didn't do. At some point, she said, "if it wasn't you, it was one of your friends". That was one that hit me hard. I think since then, I've near always taken the blame for whatever she accused me of. She has hunted me a lot. And I was afraid she would hunt others the way she did me. Since then, that fear has materialized. Which, ironically, makes me think of this one... "We fear what has already happened".
I found out she went after S/RA, but, R told me that he actually said things to her, so, I guess that wasn't totally unprovoked. She ALSO went after JR. He never did anything to her! He tried to help her and talked to her, despite him knowing I didn't like it - I never told him he couldn't, but he knew I didn't like it nonetheless. They stopped talking because she asked him to stop talking to me. She denied doing that, as usual. End of Oct 2023, she started on ... posting after posts of mine, forcing me to move out of threads or throw her off of ignore (you usually do see "ignored user" as poster, I know I messed up in the past when I didn't notice and Boo had told me she wasn't around but just you). She knew and had asked me to keep her on ignore, so, whatever. I don't think the timing was coincidental. My maternal grandfather died on Halloween 2022, so Oct 2023 was the "anniversary" of his death. I told Boo about her posting after me in Oct 2023, and Boo told me to ignore it. Later, I said to Boo, if she can play everywhere, then so can I, and she wouldn't like if I did that to her either. (I'm sure she wouldn't). I still don't think it's fair.
She asked to leave you two ..., we stopped playing there, and then she (and you with her) kept coming to ... and play there also. And in our times. I mean, what the hell. If you want me off of ..., then you should have left me .... Anyway, Boo told me to not go post after her. So, when JR accidentally did, I told him to remove his post so as to comply, which she jumped on and called him a bully. I think the post in which she explicitly quoted him has been removed (by her, no doubt... I never reported it but she has a habit of removing or altering her posts after the fact). There's one in Random Thoughts or Status Update or something of the kind (maybe "things you don't like"?) that still is present in public. JR was "slapped on the wrist" for doing what we were told to do. He was devastated by what happened there. It made me very guilty to have friends. I don't want anyone to be dragged into this. I have NEVER asked anyone to be mean to her in any way. I have screenshots of her doing differently.
JR and I created our own site. Which I'm sure you also know already, since I invited C as I needed more active women to balance the gender ratio. But, anyway, in the period right after her driving us off of ... (one active site for the both of you wasn't enough, was it?!), she started posting all the time on here also. So... She needed ..., ..., ..., ..., here, ..., ... The whole internet. Think that's fair?
As far as I know, she's banned at ... so she doesn't have an account there - or if she has, I don't know about it. (She was banned from ... for having duplicate accounts.) As ... soon will be banning the use of VPN, she won't be able to hide her presence there anyway either, if she is around after June 1 2024. It still hurts and feels very unfair how she's been treating me/us. And frankly, some of her acccusations (like me hacking into her accounts) are plain crazy. I may not be perfect, and perhaps she's a better choice for a partner than I'll ever be, yet I still didn't do half of what she accused me of.
I deleted something here that I'm unsure whether I should leave it in, but, if I leave it in, this is certainly not the medium for it, and I don't plan on emailing with you or anything similar that would be more private. I'm also convinced that while to me it was shocking to discover, due to the situation, you would have to know already the basic factual part of it, and all else, well, it has no place here.
Why I have been telling you all this? At the time of initial writing, I was debating whether I should actually send it to you or not. Fact is, I still don't have been able to really move on. I did what they tell to do, and you and I haven't been talking since, I think 2021 was the last email, anyway a very long time ago. She and I haven't been talking since the "mediation convo" that was forced upon us, March 2023. My first goal is for myself, to find closure. To move on. The "letter you write and burn". At this point, perhaps also, still, to feel heard. I can't deny that it would have meant a lot to me if you would have told me you believe me, when I started this piece of text. We're several weeks later, and I feel I'm slowly closing the lid. I guess, part of me is realistically enough to know that if she's your life partner, that you'll never say anything to me that may cause trouble in your relationship, so regardless what is my feeling or position in this, you can't tell me what I want or need. Or perhaps, you believe her, also. And that's ok. You should do what makes you happy. It's what I want for you. I hope that whatever you are choosing, is bringing you the best possible outcome.
I'm truly sorry for all the mess that we're in. I never wanted things to get so complicated. I'm sorry if you got hurt somewhere along the way. It profoundly changed me, and perhaps that in itself was life's reason for it happening, although the wisdom wasn't worth the damage. Thanks for walking part of the way with me. Goodbye and take care.
S.
I'm still often stuck in the past. I'm sorry for not being able to fully move on. You must hate me for being like this. I'm still having almost daily dreams of you and me. Just you and me having conversation, a bit like this blog. In my dreams, something happens to make you visit, either with or without her, and then we get to talking. I suppose the "something happens" kinda is a pretext in my subconscious because we're not talking now. And probably never will. I don't think I'll ever send you this. However, I will write it out, even if just for me.
Anyway, about my dreams. We talk. It usually starts with either you asking about or her launching another accusation of hers. As so many she has made in reality. And me responding with the "I didn't do it". Or if all you ask is why I did X or Y, "if you ask me why, only you can answer", because, if I didn't do it and you made it up, you won't believe it anyway. If there's one thing I learned over the past years, it is that denying any of those accusations isn't working. If someone believes a lie, a simple denial can't change that conviction. I can't change her beliefs, but her beliefs can't change the truth, either.
I never hacked into her accounts. I already wrote a blog about that, which I assume you never read. It's hurt me deeply, that one. Obviously, as I wouldn't bring it up anymore if it didn't. Please believe me. It would mean a lot to me if you did. I guess, it still would mean a lot to me if you believed me, because, you still mean a lot to me. And that shouldn't be. I shouldn't care. I'm so, so sorry.
You probably were right to not want to get involved with me. I've since watched a lot of YouTube, and determined I'm what they call "an avoidant". I need a lot of time and space to come to terms with my feelings and be able to commit. Compare it to taming a wild animal: you need a lot of patience to get there. Someone to be *avoided* at all costs wrt relationships, they say. The worst. Yes, it can change, and I hope that I will be able to turn that aspect of me around. JR/PW is the best that ever happened to me, in that respect. I don't think he realizes it. He brings out the best in me.
No, we're not a couple. I know you asked that, in the past. He's very much married to the love of his life, and even if he weren't, as much as he cares about me, I am not attracted to him as a partner. We have a deep friendship. The other time, I was looking for a correct term for it, as answering we are "just friends" didn't feel right. He's my best friend. Yes, he and I do flirt, a lot, which I'm sure you've seen. But, still, we're friends, not partners. I've always checked with him whether things would be problematic for his wife, and if he had said it was, I wouldn't have gone there. For me, well, the reasoning is different.
I know that you and her are. JR also said so. I can't lie to you and say that your choice of partner makes me happy. Years ago, probably I could have. Since, too much has happened between me and her. I don't think she ever understood, but, to me, if I love someone, it's more important to see them happy than to make them mine. Yes, it may have hurt, but, I truly wouldn't want to interfere with that. I'm very much old-fashioned/conservative, and I wouldn't want to start something with a man who's taken. I don't want to be someone's dirty secret/side piece. I don't want to be "the other woman". I probably should say, I deserve better, but, perhaps I don't deserve for anyone to love me at all, if they say avoidants are to be avoided. I'm trying to be a good person, I truly am. I just so often feel too much broken to be relationship material. Too much luggage from the past for anyone to deal with. A lot is falling into place in my life, but I'm not nearly ready to truly date. I don't easily fall in love (or out of love, for that matter), and whatever was (not) between us, know that you weren't a coincidence. You weren't random, to me. It couldn't have been any the next guy. Perhaps I could fall for you only because you weren't interested in starting anything on that site, so you weren't overly complimenting or coming on too hard. And just like me, you were there trying to have fun, to escape from the reality you were in offline. I've realized by now that almost *everyone* on that site or a similar one is in that boat. The only exceptions being those who found their partners there and stick around "for old times sake". But even those who are happily married are coming there to fulfill some aspect that's lacking in their lives.
This is making me feel very vulnerable to admit. Yet, if I can't be honest, whatever is (not) between us would be no more than some kind of illusion. P has in the past accused me of a lot of things, and being a lot of persons. Most of it is purely b***sh*t. I have at some point had a second profile however. I didn't do it "to mess with her" or "to mess with you". I just wanted to get away from the way she was hunting me everywhere. I just wanted to play and be left alone. To not have my every post questioned to be "about her" or "about the two of you". I forgot whom she accused me of being, too many to remember, but to set the record straight, none of your other friends is me. I've never been close to you with an account you didn't know was me. I truly just wanted to have some uncomplicated fun.
As I'm sure C tells you everything (I tested that), there's something else I want to come clean about, and that may bother you. Please let me explain the context.
First point is that they over here tell to *always* do a social media search about guys you meet online. So, since I was interested, I did one for you too. It didn't come up with *anything at all*. Which is rather suspicious, since you also said you had a big family, and no one would be able to be found on stuff like FaceBook? Highly improbable if the name in your email address is correct. So, yes, I tried to dig deeper. I wanted *something* to hold on to, something to confirm that what you had told me wasn't all lies. Especially since I heard a lot of bad things about you. Some came from people very close to you. I'm sure you figured that out by now also, and if not, not up to me to tell you. I'm sorry for that. I realized at some point that a lot of what I know about you, isn't want *you* told me, but what *others* told me about you. And, that isn't right. I guess I was blind about that for a while, and it should have made me running away a lot sooner. I don't know if I would, had I realized before. Anyway.
Between you and me, and I'm sure this part will make you angry, seeing how you lost your temper last time when I did try to talk to you so long ago, but, yes, I have to go there. For me, a big reason I didn't confront and ask you about things that bothered me, was the mention of that tweet I never found hard proof of. I still believe that the Twitter account I found proof of is yours, but as it has been deleted (around the time C dates that tweet coming up), I didn't find actual tweets, only retweets, and of pretty innocent stuff (music). That doesn't mean the tweet didn't exist (absence of proof isn't proof of absence), but even if it did, a lot of what people say can be taken out of context and twisted into something it is not. And/or, people change. I'm just trying to explain, that it hindered me from reaching out to you, in a situation where we had stopped talking normally already, it's not a judgment of you based on what was or wasn't said in the past.
I know we had said in Dec 2019 we would stay friends, and I would have loved that to be true. Today, I think we would have never made it. Every time that you and I interact, I had to be very careful to keep my feelings out. To keep things on the surface. Because, every time we did, I would fall for you all over. Not what you want to hear, I'm sure. Still the truth. I think, it would have kept you and me from having a simple friendship without drama and longing for more. And yes, I'm doing ok these days. I'm having fun with JR on our place, most of the time. In a way, in part, I am moving on from this. I just wish you weren't on my mind so much still. In part, it probably also is because the whole mess is interwoven with all that P did to me and accused me of. It's something that affected me deeply and still is hard not to think about today. I'm still having nightmares in which she kills me (stabbing, poisoning or starving), about twice a week lately, which is better than it has been but still too often.
Some of the things that you and her told me contradict. As an outsider, I could never truly know which of you is lying to me. I already told her the same in the past. Let me give you the same example also. Remember that at some point you asked me "how the hell did she know?" I didn't know, but I could check enough to determine it wasn't something I said, or my email being broken into. She told me much after the fact (like, a year later or so), that you had shared that with her. If you shared your emails to me with her, then you needn't ask "how the hell she knows", and if you didn't, it's yet another lie from her. I'm not expecting you to tell me. I don't think it really matters anymore at this point. It just makes it hard to trust either of you.
Something else that I need to bring up. An inconsistency between you and C this time. C told me that the whole mess with your (now ex) wife was about me. You told me it wasn't. Either she or you lied. I know she lies when it comes to you (did I tell you, I tested?), but that doesn't mean she lies all the time. Tell me, were you trying to get C off of your case, or was it indeed about me? P kept saying the wife "profile" wasn't relevant, so I'm sure she knows, and that even sounds as if it wasn't even your wife at the time. Or did M accidentally found out about you being on X? If it was about me... It was something you should have handled differently.
What I needed, and didn't get from you, is clarity and consistency. I *needed* to know what is going on. Not hear from C that *you'll be back in a week* or something. Even if it were just as friends, I deserved better there. JR and I are such good friends because I know everything I need to know. If he can't make it, even if the reason is "a bad thing happening", he will tell me. I have information on him that people shouldn't know in his case, and he trusts me enough to tell me. And no, I will not tell anyone.
And yes, I'm still keeping a secret for you too even if to me it's nothing that I would consider too private. I'm also keeping a few for her, despite how she's treating me. It's one of the reasons that I've always thought you chose C over me. Your lack of openness. I know I asked that question in the past, and you answered that perhaps at some point you had wanted more. As you said, "you had answered enough", I didn't press on. But I'm still struggling and unsure about what exactly you did or didn't want. I keep telling myself that it isn't relevant today, and, it isn't. But it's still an open question. And one that makes things harder for me. I thrive with clarity. With having my expectations managed. I'm not saying, with predictability, because life isn't that way and I'm perfectly able to be flexible when needed, but when someone raises my expectations, it works better if they act accordingly, and let me know if they can't be around and why. I know I'm very open and honest, and perhaps a lot less of a "private person", just, I can keep a secret, and I'm sure I've proven that. All you would need to do is tell me "this is what it is, and please don't tell anyone", and I never would. I may be challenging at being slow to commit, but I'm damn worth it. I know this one is about the past, perhaps much more public than you'd like. I don't live there anymore. I'm struggling with the ways it changed me. I'm struggling to make sense of a large part of it. But there's no way I would want to go back there. I'm not that woman anymore that worshipped the ground you walked on. You lost her. Today, I'm the one making plans for a life that's my own. Plans in which I'm doing things that I like, surrounded by people who want to be in my life. I think I'm too young to stay alone, but also, I'm worth better than settling for someone who's available. I want someone who wants me, for a change. Someone who sees what I bring to the table and values me. I may be slow to commit, but I'm well worth the wait.
There's one last thing that I want to discuss between you and me. Not because I think discussing it will change anything. Because it matters to me.
She has accused me of a lot of things I didn't do. At some point, she said, "if it wasn't you, it was one of your friends". That was one that hit me hard. I think since then, I've near always taken the blame for whatever she accused me of. She has hunted me a lot. And I was afraid she would hunt others the way she did me. Since then, that fear has materialized. Which, ironically, makes me think of this one... "We fear what has already happened".
I found out she went after S/RA, but, R told me that he actually said things to her, so, I guess that wasn't totally unprovoked. She ALSO went after JR. He never did anything to her! He tried to help her and talked to her, despite him knowing I didn't like it - I never told him he couldn't, but he knew I didn't like it nonetheless. They stopped talking because she asked him to stop talking to me. She denied doing that, as usual. End of Oct 2023, she started on ... posting after posts of mine, forcing me to move out of threads or throw her off of ignore (you usually do see "ignored user" as poster, I know I messed up in the past when I didn't notice and Boo had told me she wasn't around but just you). She knew and had asked me to keep her on ignore, so, whatever. I don't think the timing was coincidental. My maternal grandfather died on Halloween 2022, so Oct 2023 was the "anniversary" of his death. I told Boo about her posting after me in Oct 2023, and Boo told me to ignore it. Later, I said to Boo, if she can play everywhere, then so can I, and she wouldn't like if I did that to her either. (I'm sure she wouldn't). I still don't think it's fair.
She asked to leave you two ..., we stopped playing there, and then she (and you with her) kept coming to ... and play there also. And in our times. I mean, what the hell. If you want me off of ..., then you should have left me .... Anyway, Boo told me to not go post after her. So, when JR accidentally did, I told him to remove his post so as to comply, which she jumped on and called him a bully. I think the post in which she explicitly quoted him has been removed (by her, no doubt... I never reported it but she has a habit of removing or altering her posts after the fact). There's one in Random Thoughts or Status Update or something of the kind (maybe "things you don't like"?) that still is present in public. JR was "slapped on the wrist" for doing what we were told to do. He was devastated by what happened there. It made me very guilty to have friends. I don't want anyone to be dragged into this. I have NEVER asked anyone to be mean to her in any way. I have screenshots of her doing differently.
JR and I created our own site. Which I'm sure you also know already, since I invited C as I needed more active women to balance the gender ratio. But, anyway, in the period right after her driving us off of ... (one active site for the both of you wasn't enough, was it?!), she started posting all the time on here also. So... She needed ..., ..., ..., ..., here, ..., ... The whole internet. Think that's fair?
As far as I know, she's banned at ... so she doesn't have an account there - or if she has, I don't know about it. (She was banned from ... for having duplicate accounts.) As ... soon will be banning the use of VPN, she won't be able to hide her presence there anyway either, if she is around after June 1 2024. It still hurts and feels very unfair how she's been treating me/us. And frankly, some of her acccusations (like me hacking into her accounts) are plain crazy. I may not be perfect, and perhaps she's a better choice for a partner than I'll ever be, yet I still didn't do half of what she accused me of.
I deleted something here that I'm unsure whether I should leave it in, but, if I leave it in, this is certainly not the medium for it, and I don't plan on emailing with you or anything similar that would be more private. I'm also convinced that while to me it was shocking to discover, due to the situation, you would have to know already the basic factual part of it, and all else, well, it has no place here.
Why I have been telling you all this? At the time of initial writing, I was debating whether I should actually send it to you or not. Fact is, I still don't have been able to really move on. I did what they tell to do, and you and I haven't been talking since, I think 2021 was the last email, anyway a very long time ago. She and I haven't been talking since the "mediation convo" that was forced upon us, March 2023. My first goal is for myself, to find closure. To move on. The "letter you write and burn". At this point, perhaps also, still, to feel heard. I can't deny that it would have meant a lot to me if you would have told me you believe me, when I started this piece of text. We're several weeks later, and I feel I'm slowly closing the lid. I guess, part of me is realistically enough to know that if she's your life partner, that you'll never say anything to me that may cause trouble in your relationship, so regardless what is my feeling or position in this, you can't tell me what I want or need. Or perhaps, you believe her, also. And that's ok. You should do what makes you happy. It's what I want for you. I hope that whatever you are choosing, is bringing you the best possible outcome.
I'm truly sorry for all the mess that we're in. I never wanted things to get so complicated. I'm sorry if you got hurt somewhere along the way. It profoundly changed me, and perhaps that in itself was life's reason for it happening, although the wisdom wasn't worth the damage. Thanks for walking part of the way with me. Goodbye and take care.
S.
