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My New Life is So Different

I love caring for my son. When he wakes up and smiles at me, that's the most amazing feeling in the world. I live for that smile. And there's nothing more precious than baby cuddles. When he curls up into a little ball against me, I want that moment to last forever.

My life consists of nothing but TheBaby right now. I keep up with every new weekly developmental change and we play the developmental games you're supposed to play. I make eye contact during breastfeeding to bond with him, and work on language development. Every hour of every day revolves around him.

Now that family is gone, I'm finding motherhood to be a little bit lonely. I have so much and so little time at once. Breastfeeding is a full time job, but not one that occupies my mind. I'm bored a lot. I spend a minimum of 5 hours a day feeding him, but much more than that most days, since I still have days when my milk production is lower than his appetite, which makes him feed longer and more frequently. TheBaby is still too young to put on a feeding schedule and I haven't been able to produce any excess milk to bottle feed him, so that makes all outings so short. I spend most of my time at home alone with him. I haven't had the courage to breastfeed him in public yet, but I have in front of family, using a shawl or other clothing for modesty. I think it would be easier if the weather were warmer.

It's absolutely amazing how much time it takes to care for a newborn, to realize at the end of the day that you've accomplished nothing but feeding and taking care of all hygiene issues for both of you. Even when my parents were here, everything still took forever. We had planned our first outing to the mall to buy me some nursing bras, and it took us 4 hours to get out of the house. First, we dressed both of us, filled up the diaper bag, and got the carrier. Then he got hungry, so I had to feed him and then burp him. Then he needed changing, whereupon he peed on both of us. Then I bathed him and blew dry myself, trying not to be bothered that I was going out with pee on me. Then I dressed him again. (Oh, and by then he was hungry again, so I fed him again.) It doesn't sound like it would take that long, does it? It does! We had started at 3 PM and now it was almost 7 PM and we still hadn't gone to the mall! I didn't realize that would be typical.

I miss being intimate with TheBF. The experience of time passing works in such strange ways. When I think of the past few weeks with my son, they passed much too quickly, but when I think of the last time me and TheBF really made love, it feels so long ago, like it was in a former lifetime. I started trying to dilate myself tonight. I'm being extra slow and careful, don't worry. My cervix feels better than it did a few weeks ago. I think the tears are healing.

I don't feel as close to TheBF as I did before and that makes me feel lonelier. We aren't sleeping in the same bed right now. We did at first, but when TheBF went back to work he was still waking up in the middle of the night every single time TheBaby cried and helping to care for him, doing such sweet things like bringing me food or tea to drink while I breastfed him, or walking him around the house to calm him down. After days of working all day and staying up half the night with me and TheBaby, he became dangerously exhausted. He never complained about it, but I became worried about him. That's when I told him that he needed to sleep downstairs on our spare bed in order to get enough sleep. Now he works during the day, and I've got the swing shift with TheBaby, sleeping when TheBaby sleeps, waking when TheBaby needs me to feed him or care for him. I am at his beck and call. It works in a practical way, but now it feels like I hardly ever see TheBF any more and I miss him dearly. The worst part of not sleeping in the same bed is the lack of simple physical affection. We hug less, cuddle less, and we kiss less often. Some nights when he has a lot of work to do, he goes into his home office to work after he comes home, and without telling me that he's going to sleep, he just heads downstairs. Even though we're in the same house, some nights I won't see him at all except when he first came home and gave me a kiss.

I feel like what I need more than anything is a date night with my husband, but I we can't have anyone babysit TheBaby until I can produce enough milk to bottle. I'm working on that as best as I can.

Life is so strange. I never thought that my entire social life would rest upon my ability to make more breastmilk, but it does.

In the meantime, I think we need to try to figure out how to get better quality time together at home, all three of us together. We need to figure it all out.

Comments

Pitbull
Welcome to Parenthood.
First Month is probably the worst and the best in so many ways.
It is the adjustment.
You may not feel as close to the BF now but when the dust settles you will see that you two are going to be so much closer than before but is a much different way.
You are now truly joined together forever.

And not to worry - you will get your life back in about 25 years. At least that is what was told to me. I'm still waiting but went out and had a second one so I'm on the 32 year plan.
 
HiddenLacey
Aw, it'll get better Petite.:hug: For the life of me I can't seem to think of something encouraging to say other than it WILL get better. This is bonding time with your son. Your husband and you will have more time together once the baby is sleeping through the night and on a schedule. Focus on those little baby moments to get you through, because unless you're going to have another one you may never get to experience this again. Fill your mind with positive thoughts about the future.
 
P
Pitbull;bt29233 said:
Welcome to Parenthood.
First Month is probably the worst and the best in so many ways.
It is the adjustment.
You may not feel as close to the BF now but when the dust settles you will see that you two are going to be so much closer than before but is a much different way.
You are now truly joined together forever.

And not to worry - you will get your life back in about 25 years. At least that is what was told to me. I'm still waiting but went out and had a second one so I'm on the 32 year plan.
Click to expand...

I just keep thinking of the data collected by The Gottman Institute about how the period after the first baby is brought into a couple's life is the most "dangerous" period for their relationship's long term health in regards to their happiness together. I can see how easy it is to let attention towards you partner slide at a time like this and neglect him and the bond between you slowly weaken. I'm trying to consciously recognize and bear in mind that this is a time when so many other couples make huge mistakes and fail to maintain their bond with each other and that doing so is a catastrophic mistake that may affect my future happiness.
 
P
submissivegirl83;bt29237 said:
Aw, it'll get better Petite.:hug: For the life of me I can't seem to think of something encouraging to say other than it WILL get better. This is bonding time with your son. Your husband and you will have more time together once the baby is sleeping through the night and on a schedule. Focus on those little baby moments to get you through, because unless you're going to have another one you may never get to experience this again. Fill your mind with positive thoughts about the future.
Click to expand...

Aw, I know it will get better. It's all so much joy and struggle at once.

I keep thinking about how this moment in time is fleeting. I've never been so Zen in my entire life. I do wish that it could last longer, even with all the things I wrote about, because he is so very precious and I cherish him and I love his frailness and his adorable little face and his impossibly delicate little fingers. Every rare smile makes me feel like I've won American Idol, the Miss America Pageant, and the Boston Marathon all at once, "He likes me! He really likes me! Look at how he's smiling at me!" The opinion of this one tiny human means more to me than anyone else's in the world.

Sometimes I need to write things down in order to see things more clearly. I'm so glad I keep this blog. I'd never be this confessional in a blog I kept for friends and family, especially about so many negative feelings, but having written it down, I can see one thing in particular that we're doing wrong.

Before TheBaby, we slept the same way every night, spooning together with his arms wrapped around me. We slept that way all night long. Most days, we wouldn't do a lot of physically affectionate things toward each other before bedtime, but that didn't matter because I got all my physical affection needs met every single night. Now that we've decided that sleeping apart is more practical right now, we've failed to schedule in a way of replacing that daily affection time. What we need is some daily cuddle time!

I'm afraid that if we don't make some sort of conscious effort towards not letting ourselves drift apart, then that's what will happen. I've written about Dr. John Gottman a lot, the relationship researcher who has gathered more data on relationship longevitiy and marital happiness than anyone else on earth, and his research has discovered a lot about what happens to couples after they bring the baby home. They've found that the period after a couple has a baby is the most risky time for marriages. It's a time that marks the beginning of the end for many couples, in a way that's directly related to eventual marital dissatisfaction and eventual divorce for many couples. I don't want to be in one of those unhappy marriages. I want us to be one of the exceptional relationships that becomes stronger!
 
HiddenLacey
petite;bt29248 said:
Aw, I know it will get better. It's all so much joy and struggle at once.

I keep thinking about how this moment in time is fleeting. I've never been so Zen in my entire life. I do wish that it could last longer, even with all the things I wrote about, because he is so very precious and I cherish him and I love his frailness and his adorable little face and his impossibly delicate little fingers. Every rare smile makes me feel like I've won American Idol, the Miss America Pageant, and the Boston Marathon all at once, "He likes me! He really likes me! Look at how he's smiling at me!" The opinion of this one tiny human means more to me than anyone else's in the world.

Sometimes I need to write things down in order to see things more clearly. I'm so glad I keep this blog. I'd never be this confessional in a blog I kept for friends and family, especially about so many negative feelings, but having written it down, I can see one thing in particular that we're doing wrong.

Before TheBaby, we slept the same way every night, spooning together with his arms wrapped around me. We slept that way all night long. Most days, we wouldn't do a lot of physically affectionate things toward each other before bedtime, but that didn't matter because I got all my physical affection needs met every single night. Now that we've decided that sleeping apart is more practical right now, we've failed to schedule in a way of replacing that daily affection time. What we need is some daily cuddle time!

I'm afraid that if we don't make some sort of conscious effort towards not letting ourselves drift apart, then that's what will happen. I've written about Dr. John Gottman a lot, the relationship researcher who has gathered more data on relationship longevitiy and marital happiness than anyone else on earth, and his research has discovered a lot about what happens to couples after they bring the baby home. They've found that the period after a couple has a baby is the most risky time for marriages. It's a time that marks the beginning of the end for many couples, in a way that's directly related to eventual marital dissatisfaction and eventual divorce for many couples. I don't want to be in one of those unhappy marriages. I want us to be one of the exceptional relationships that becomes stronger!
Click to expand...

Wow, really? Nothing I say here is in regards to your relationship directly, I'm just thinking out loud, but in type:tongue:

Personally I would think a relationship that begins to fail after a baby either wasn't a good relationship or the two parents are not communicating.

Now back to you.
If you need more love, cuddles time then you definitely need to bring that to his attention. Since TheBoyfriend (who should change his name to TheHusband) reads your posts it would be impossible for him not to know the inner workings of your mind. Unless you kept something a secret from here. Which I'm sure you do. However, I have a feeling that you are pretty good at communicating with him. Even when you have said you held things in before, you eventually talked to him about whatever was bothering you. I don't see your relationship failing from lack of communication.
 
P
submissivegirl83;bt29250 said:
Wow, really? Nothing I say here is in regards to your relationship directly, I'm just thinking out loud, but in type:tongue:

Personally I would think a relationship that begins to fail after a baby either wasn't a good relationship or the two parents are not communicating.

Now back to you.
If you need more love, cuddles time then you definitely need to bring that to his attention. Since TheBoyfriend (who should change his name to TheHusband) reads your posts it would be impossible for him not to know the inner workings of your mind. Unless you kept something a secret from here. Which I'm sure you do. However, I have a feeling that you are pretty good at communicating with him. Even when you have said you held things in before, you eventually talked to him about whatever was bothering you. I don't see your relationship failing from lack of communication.
Click to expand...
I've been thinking about your comment for a few days.

At first I thought, you're so much more idealistic than me! I don't believe that love is enough, and I believe that building and maintaining a relationship requires work and conscious effort sometimes, and if you don't pay attention to the health of it, then it will end up falling apart eventually. I feel like that's what has happened so often in the relationships in my past. And you're right, it's usually a case of bad communication. I believe that the quality of the relationship depends upon the effort that you put into it, and that means working on communication and bonding and making time for each other and watching out for all the common pitfalls. But then I thought, that doesn't sound as cynical as I originally thought because I believe that those are all things that anyone can do, if you are motivated to do it, like we are.

We are good at communication, but that really didn't happen as naturally as it might seem. I definitely worked to push the boundaries and establish better and better communication over time. I think that's what I need to do again right now, because we're hardly spending any quality time together because of his work schedule and because sometimes TheBaby's sleep/wake schedule (which is my schedule) isn't lining up well with the free time TheBF has, so we sort of miss each other.

TheBF does read my posts, when I tell him I've posted. He's read this post by now. We had cuddles earlier today, but greedy me, I want more! They weren't enough, but at least I got some. :smile:
 
B_prettyswinggirl
You're doing a great job Petite! I worry that your needs aren't getting met and you worry about meeting everyone's needs around you whom you love! That's the definition of motherhood, self sacrifice for the sake of those you love.

It does get better, Like Pittbull said, the first month is the trail by fire phase. By month 3 you'll have it down pat and the BF and you will be able to be on a more normal schedule and be able to get in that cuddle time we all so desperately need.

Just make sure that your needs are being looked after too. Stress on now moms can hinder milk production, Believe it or not have a good german beer tonight, you'll be amazed at how much more milk you produce and 1 beer won't hurt the baby.

Another trick I used was to drape a warm damp wash cloth on the breast that wasn't being used for that particular feeding and pump it while nursing the other breast. Don't worry, pumping produces so much less than baby can eat, he shouldn't have any problem taking the pumped breast and being satisfied at his next feeding. It helps in let down in both breasts and you may get enough milk to start storing it. Anything over 20 ml is worth storing. I learned that when Jak was in the NICU for so long. You'll be going on that date night in no time!

Hugs and you're right about time going too fast at times and too slow at others. If only we had control of it! Wouldn't that be nice!
 
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prettyswinggirl;bt29344 said:
You're doing a great job Petite! I worry that your needs aren't getting met and you worry about meeting everyone's needs around you whom you love! That's the definition of motherhood, self sacrifice for the sake of those you love.

It does get better, Like Pittbull said, the first month is the trail by fire phase. By month 3 you'll have it down pat and the BF and you will be able to be on a more normal schedule and be able to get in that cuddle time we all so desperately need.

Just make sure that your needs are being looked after too. Stress on now moms can hinder milk production, Believe it or not have a good german beer tonight, you'll be amazed at how much more milk you produce and 1 beer won't hurt the baby.

Another trick I used was to drape a warm damp wash cloth on the breast that wasn't being used for that particular feeding and pump it while nursing the other breast. Don't worry, pumping produces so much less than baby can eat, he shouldn't have any problem taking the pumped breast and being satisfied at his next feeding. It helps in let down in both breasts and you may get enough milk to start storing it. Anything over 20 ml is worth storing. I learned that when Jak was in the NICU for so long. You'll be going on that date night in no time!

Hugs and you're right about time going too fast at times and too slow at others. If only we had control of it! Wouldn't that be nice!
Click to expand...
Thank you for the breastfeeding tips! I don't always have a reliable letdown response. I have noticed how much my emotions control it. Impossible to breastfeed while mad, which is a problem if you've just gotten into an argument and the baby's crying. :frown1: When my mother was here and we started fighting, I could tell how much it affected my milk production. Then yesterday I was enjoying the most perfect baby cuddle ever. He was curled up over my heart and lifting his head up and smiling at me while I cooed at him, then he would bury his head in my chest, when suddenly my chest was all wet! It was like someone had thrown warm water on me, it was flowing so fast! It totally ruined the baby cuddle. :rolleyes:

I'm going to try your suggestions. Thank you!

I think I need a timer or something to try and push my production up with the breast pump. He spends a ridiculous amount of time feeding. I need to do some laundry!
 
B_prettyswinggirl
Any tips you need just let me know! I breast fed all 3 for about 2 years each. Yup, I was THAT mom! My second child wanted to nurse every hour and constantly. I felt like a human pacifier! Try pumping for no more than 20 minutes max right before or after his feedings. Any more and you can get really sore nipples. (bag balm or shea butter really helps btw...)

Your milk production should be dramatically increased in just a day or two. Light a candle of your favorite scent to relax you and gentle music playing in the background. That always helped even when I was especially stressed.

Enjoy the sweet one! I still cuddle with the 4 year old as much as he lets me!

Hugs and accept any offers from friends to help with the cleaning!!!
 

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