The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semifinalists: a Yale Ph.D. candidate and a redneck from Alabama. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu."
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the mike and said:
"Slowly 'cross the desert sand Trekk'd a lonely caravan
Men on camels, two by two, Destination: Timbuktu."
The crowd went crazy. No way the redneck could top that, they thought. However, the redneck calmly took his place on the stage and recited:
"Me and Tim A-huntin' went
Met three whores In a pop-up tent
They was three And we was two
So I bucked one, And Timbuktu."
The redneck won hands-down.
Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow? She can't touch it till she's fourteen.
How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck.
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Arkansas to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!
What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Arkansas? A documentary.
How many rednecks does it take eat a 'possum?
Two. One to eat, and one to watch out for traffic.
Where was the toothbrush invented? Arkansas. If it was invented anywhere else it have been called a teethbrush.
Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?"
The driver says, "Bout whot?"
Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Arkansas State Lottery?
The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
Why did O. J. Simpson want to move to Arkansas?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Little Rock, Arkansas burned down? Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park.
A new law recently passed in Arkansas:
When a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister.
What's the best thing to ever come out of Arkansas? I-40.
Two Arkansawyers are walking down different ends of a street toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?" "Jus' some chickens," replies Bubba. "If I guesses how many they are, can I have one?" "Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll give you both of them."
"OK. Ummmmm . . . five?"
What do a divorce in Louisiana , a tornado in Arkansas, and a hurricane in Mississippi have in common? Somebody's fixin' to lose them a trailer.
What do you get when you have 32 rednecks in the same room? A full set of teeth.
Martha Stewart's Tips for Rednecks
General
Never take a beer to a job interview.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home
Dining Out
When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the wine.
If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
Entertaining in your home
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.
Personal Hygiene
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
Dating (outside the family)
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. Be aggressive.
Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
Theater Etiquette
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
Weddings
Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
Driving Etiquette
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
The redneck ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town for a month, he decided to test it on himself first. So he inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and........everything else was automatic! Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. When the fun was over he realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his penis. He read the manual, he tried every button on the instrument, but no success. Finally the farmer called the customer hot line. "Hello I just bought a milking machine which works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"
"Don't worry" replied the service rep "the machine is programmed to release automatically once it's collected two gallons of milk."
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the mike and said:
"Slowly 'cross the desert sand Trekk'd a lonely caravan
Men on camels, two by two, Destination: Timbuktu."
The crowd went crazy. No way the redneck could top that, they thought. However, the redneck calmly took his place on the stage and recited:
"Me and Tim A-huntin' went
Met three whores In a pop-up tent
They was three And we was two
So I bucked one, And Timbuktu."
The redneck won hands-down.
Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow? She can't touch it till she's fourteen.
How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck.
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Arkansas to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!
What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Arkansas? A documentary.
How many rednecks does it take eat a 'possum?
Two. One to eat, and one to watch out for traffic.
Where was the toothbrush invented? Arkansas. If it was invented anywhere else it have been called a teethbrush.
Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?"
The driver says, "Bout whot?"
Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Arkansas State Lottery?
The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
Why did O. J. Simpson want to move to Arkansas?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Little Rock, Arkansas burned down? Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park.
A new law recently passed in Arkansas:
When a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister.
What's the best thing to ever come out of Arkansas? I-40.
Two Arkansawyers are walking down different ends of a street toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?" "Jus' some chickens," replies Bubba. "If I guesses how many they are, can I have one?" "Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll give you both of them."
"OK. Ummmmm . . . five?"
What do a divorce in Louisiana , a tornado in Arkansas, and a hurricane in Mississippi have in common? Somebody's fixin' to lose them a trailer.
What do you get when you have 32 rednecks in the same room? A full set of teeth.
Martha Stewart's Tips for Rednecks
General
Never take a beer to a job interview.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home
Dining Out
When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the wine.
If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
Entertaining in your home
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.
Personal Hygiene
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
Dating (outside the family)
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. Be aggressive.
Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
Theater Etiquette
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
Weddings
Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
Driving Etiquette
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
The redneck ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town for a month, he decided to test it on himself first. So he inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and........everything else was automatic! Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. When the fun was over he realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his penis. He read the manual, he tried every button on the instrument, but no success. Finally the farmer called the customer hot line. "Hello I just bought a milking machine which works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"
"Don't worry" replied the service rep "the machine is programmed to release automatically once it's collected two gallons of milk."
