If *you* are coming here to read it, you won't like it. I know you feel that when I vent, I'm lashing out at you. I know you can't see the pain past the tone. Remember that to me English is not my mother tongue, I'm not neurotypical, and my command of the English language is different. So, if *you* read this, at your own risk. I tried to find places you're not, but you seem to always find me anyway.
I know you don't like to revisit the distant past, as you are "over it". I'm not. I'm not angry with you, despite all you did. I am very deeply hurt. Even today still. At times I think you don't realize the consequences of what to you probably was nothing, and at times I think you must enjoy seeing the destruction in me.
Your last accusation, that I hacked into your accounts, was a really bad one. I already explained that you can't target a specific person without some basic knowledge, like, a username at the very least. Without even knowing someone *has* an account someplace to begin with. I guess I can't deny that I could have assumed you had a YouTube account, but the OneNote-thing, how was I supposed to even know you had it? Last time, you mentioned "I said I didn't do that", so obviously, you don't believe in my innocence. I suppose there's no point in repeating that to you, yet, while I can't change your opinion, your opinion can't change the truth. I know I "half" apologized for it. I knew you wouldn't believe it wasn't me. And, I guess, I also knew apologizing wouldn't matter. Nothing matters, when it comes to you.
It's something that truly confuses me. I don't know what you want from me. Obviously, years ago, I must have upset and angered you, unintentionally, as I thought you and I were friends. Are you so angry at me because I considered you a friend? Are you looking for the worst in every situation because you can "move on" and feel good about yourself after what you did? Honestly, I don't know. I do know I tried everything with you. I've done a great deal of explaining and denying, I've ignored you for so long, and yes, I have occasionally lashed out at some of your attacks. I'm not proud of the latter. It's one of the things I should have handled better. But, I even went as far as apologizing for your crazy accusations that I didn't do, in hopes of some kind of peace that never comes. And I wonder, why? What more can I do? Sometimes, I think it's not anything I did or said at all, but you searching for a reason to validate your own actions and motives. "Hurting me is ok". Something you in a way said, even.
I'm interjecting this, as it seems better suited here than down. I've always firmly believed that F chose C over me. C said he was "going for me", but I never felt that way. It's one of the things I told you also when you and I still were friends, that I was unsure of what he even wanted. That it hurt to see him flirt with C while complaining about her so much. I truly believe F and C were toxic as a couple. He brought out the worst in her. She may be a good person, but that relationship with him wasn't good. Anyway, when you and him started out, C and I talked, since, we now had something in common, I guess. I told her, to leave you and him alone. If someone is made for someone else, nothing you do can change that. And if they aren't, nothing will stop a couple from falling apart all by themselves. From what you said, she didn't take that advice to heart - nothing I can do there. But, I've always thought, it was weird that you would accuse *me* of trying to steal him away from you. I was keeping my distance. Not being flirty. Hell, I was so innocent at the time I barely recognized flirting. I've changed, by now, or I think so at least, but I think I've become better at picking up those signs. Anyway. I got the feeling that you accepted her as some kind of friend/acquaintance and go all after me as the enemy, while in reality, I feel I never truly was competition for you. I don't believe you and him will break up. If it happens, it usually happens around the 6th month, which has long past since. So, statistically, I'd say, you won't. It could be "some years from now" if you'd make it to the "around 7 year mark" to break up, but then, he'd be, what, around 60 by then? Not exactly an age you'd associate with people starting over anymore. More the age where people accept things aren't ok and just find ways to cope. I'm basically saying, I don't see it really happening. But if it would, I'm sure he'd go running to C to cry. Either he'd restart his thing with her (I hope for her sake she doesn't go there, since, they aren't good as a couple, and she'd be likely only "until someone better comes along"), or he'll go for someone new wrt relationships. I firmly believe he'll never contact me again. I could be wrong, but, I don't expect to ever hear from him again. And no, I won't contact him either, I'm not angry with him, I just am not convinced there would be any kind of future, be it friends or more, after all of this mess, not to say I don't wish things would be different, just being realistic and saying they aren't, and I can't live in "what ifs" and "could-have-beens".
I also don't understand why you keep trying to isolate me. Not so long ago, I spoke elsewhere online to a guy from "my region". He's older than both of us, so I'm sure for neither of us a potential partner. As he's not from your region, and hadn't posted in music much yet at that point, I can't see what you would think to have in common with him. Apart of course, that I had spoken to him. To me, it was just nice to for once speak my mother tongue online. I didn't mention any of our situation. But the day after, you had added a follow. And since then, the guy hasn't spoken to me anymore. God only knows what you told him, but, since some people *did* give me screenshots, I can guess it wasn't pretty and likely along those lines. But, honestly, what does my pain, my loneliness, bring to you? It doesn't make your life better, does it? And yes, you have removed that follow since. Perhaps someone told you I noticed, or his use to you was outlived so you got rid of him? Whichever.
At times, I feel guilty for having friends. Mostly at times when you attack even them. PW said it was always to be a matter of time before you would attack him too. I still felt guilty when you did. Why is it ok for everyone else to have friends, except for me? It all adds up to why you make me feel like some kind of monster. Lower than human. The source of all evil. The Devil, if you like.
You know, in 2020, it was painful, and I was struggling, a lot. But I could have gotten through and truly wished you the best. Despite the way you started it. I cannot put a definite date when that changed. These days, it's hard to admit that what is best for him - or at least, I assume he's happy with you - is the person who so far has been the worst for me. He and I had initially said we would remain friends. I think, even if you and I now come to some kind of peace, it won't be a possibility anymore. Even if he believes only half of all that you accuse me of, it's way too much for anyone to get over. And once you believe something, it's hard to believe differently. I may be wrong, but, I may be right.
The latter is one of the things I did him wrong, too. I apologized to him without being very specific, and I don't know if he got what I meant, but, it is what it is. When you started something with him, I started hearing all kinds of bad things about him. Timing wise, C apologized to me and had been causing drama while she was with him. At the time C apologized, you were with him, and you were causing drama for me... It made the rumours about him fit the facts. For a long time, I have believed that he made you think all what you accused me of. Until you said it was you coming up with that bulls*** yourself, and not him setting you up. I was hurting from what may not be an actual breakup, but, something of the sorts. YouTube taught me that avoidants usually leave while in love, and that it is harder than leaving after a relationship has ran its course. I firmly believe that is true. And I guess I still have hard feelings for you pushing me to create distance when I wasn't truly ready for that yet, certainly because the first thing you did, was going hard after him the moment I had turned my back, and that after saying "you could never fall for...". I felt betrayed in what I considered a friendship. I ripped out my heart by creating distance, and you tore apart my soul. I haven't been the same person since, and likely never will. Trust issues are caused by once trusting too much. Anyway, I think I did him wrong, by embracing a story that turned out to be false, even if it helped me forward. April to June 2020-ish I was doing the best at coping with the whole situation, of all the years that have gone. Today, I'm kinda ok-ish, I guess. It's hard to say, since you and him are a couple, and you're inconsistent, and I am still unsure of what is truth and what is lie on so many levels. At times, I wonder if he's too much of a coward to tell me certain things as they are/were ("avoid hurting by lying or at least hiding the truth" - which for me may make it worse than the short pain), and at times I wonder if he's telling the truth and some other persons are lying. I know for a fact that some other persons have lied on other occasions, I just don't see motives but then, who knows?
I never told anyone I was him. I never wanted someone to think I was him. The first thing I told you was the truth. After all the drama we had summer 2020, I needed peace of mind. I needed to get away from you. I deleted my accounts in both places, then created new ones, in part because I had no place left to escape my offline life, and in part because the first person who gave me screenshots of what you told people in private about me, reached out to me through PW/JR. You have no idea how much you messed me up there. How deeply you hurt me yet again. The effects of those accusations still are noticeable today. I swear I never told anyone I was him. I don't know who told you differently, or perhaps no one did, but, I never told anyone I was him. I was not Simple Sweet, Armi/Minerva, Cooper/Lala, Lady Chatterley and some other accounts no doubt that I ever forgot which ones you accused me of.
You've surely noticed that gradually, I stopped playing in music threads. The one I posted the longest in, was "what are you listening to", as it doesn't require anything from the poster before you, so, with the least risk of being forced to post a song I knew you would like, he would like, you would have posted (or have posted another song of the same singer/band). At some point, I started posting songs from my neighbour's radio - they were having construction workers over that played the radio loudly - and even then, you accused me that it was "about you" in some way. As if I would somehow pay or convince the neighbours' work crew to switch on a certain radio station, and that radio station to play stuff about you... I still, on my site, don't play music as often as I could, anymore.
They say everything happens for a reason. They say we don't grow from a position of comfort. So we need pain to change ourselves. Still, I feel what I learned from this wasn't worth the hurt you caused.
I've gone so far as to create my own place to get rid of you following me around. You stayed on ... after asking for ... for the both of you (and we let you have it), and more than just staying on ... you kept talking to my friends, playing in my times and in general creating issues for me. When you had both ... and ..., you started playing "like mad" on here. This place isn't the one for either of us. It's a nice site, but its members are just not the kind you and I are looking for. Or if they are, I haven't encountered them. I've made one friend on here. One single friend on a whole site. And he brought me another one. I suspect to you, it isn't about the site or the friendships either. I suspect, you came playing here because you wanted to get the whole internet to yourself. Unfortunately for me, my own site in the original format didn't work out. It was drama free, alright, but, I never got it really active. I tried recruiting people on ... (not on ... because reasons) and that didn't seem to work. I'm switching over, tomorrow, to a different format. If it doesn't get active then (I can recruit in more places), I'll throw in the towel and give up on my own place. But, the lengths one has to go to, to avoid being hunted by you (as that is how it feels, from my perspective)...
You know my account on ... is disabled, do you? Probably yes, but... It's not b/c my account is disabled, that I don't hear what happens, since some people who are a member on ... are also on my place. I'm admitting I have no clue what song your 5 letters are from, and since Google can't help there, not likely I'll ever find out. But just the fact that you didn't outright post a song must mean it's something bad. If it were just to move thread forward, any Imagine Dragons-song would have done. I'm sure you also know Porselein by Yasmine is as good as "my theme song", or that I very much like things like Save Tonight, Wicked Game, Nerina Pallot, Jack Savoretti, Soulsister etc. All stuff I often posted. Any of that would have done, if it were just to move forward thread. But no, you didn't choose that. You chose something very cryptic. Something that you could (and probably would) easily deny to be "bad". 5 letters that PW says probably are just random to make me overthink and search. Just a mind game, he says. Anyway, if you knew my account was disabled, it was kicking someone who was defenceless. I considered reporting your post. I asked Boo to reactivate my account - afaik, she didn't do it yet and perhaps missed the request in the mail since she didn't reply and was/is busy with her move. By now, I have something like, "whatever". It probably says more about you than it says about me. But yes, it did bother me. Yet another attack, totally out of the blue, unprovoked. I left ... after you went after PW. I think my last post there was around last Christmas.
Another thing you did there that hurt me deeply. End of Oct you started posting after my posts. If you have someone on ignore, you still see "Ignored user" as last poster in thread. So, you basically were forcing me to either stop playing, or throw you off of ignore. I talked to Boo, and she said "everyone is allowed to have fun, ignore it". Hard to ignore if someone is intentionally playing after you *while having other options* (don't say you don't have enough other sites with and without him), coming in during what they know are your playtime, obviously to bother you. I'm sure the timing, around the anniversary of my grandfather's death, also wasn't a coincidence. During the week, I had reasoned, that if you were allowed to post after me, I could do the same. As, "everyone is allowed to have fun". But, Boo said, I was not to post after yours... Talking of double standards, but, whatever. That weekend, PW accidentally posted after a post of yours. I guess he forgot the "don't do that", and you were - again - around in our times. I told him to quickly delete that post, and he did, and guess what? You accused him of bullying you! We were not allowed to post after you while you were allowed to come and post after me, and when we comply, we're bullies? PW says C "slapped him on the wrist" for that, even. I think you deleted the post in which you called him out with screenshot/quote, but the post in which you called him a bully without naming him by name, remained. Do you know how much he got hurt there? Did you care? I did. It's so unfair. PW is nothing but a wonderful person. He's kind and caring. He tried helping you despite knowing I didn't like you and him talking (I never outright complained, but of course he knew it didn't really sit well with me). Did you hurt him because, for once, someone chose me? Because you couldn't have him? Because he is the one thing (well, person) you can't take? I felt guilty for having friends. For drawing him into a mess that basically isn't his. He has supported me so much. He doesn't deserve what you did there. I felt really bad about that happening, and it is the direct cause of leaving ... to you too after you already had ..., and it's not fair that with *all* the sites you also have, you started posting like mad on here to avoid us even considering this site to play.
F once said, that if you came to post on ... in our times, that you should be a bit considerate. That while "site is big enough for everyone", leaving us space to play is being considerate. When PW and I play, we pick a few threads. Even if you and him would be on the same times, you could easily avoid us. Anyone can. We're not all over the place. What you did, seeking me out to come and hurt me, was far from that.
And again, around Oct. The avatar you customized... You had accused me of "copying your pictures", whereas on several occasions you posted some of the ones I posted first. I told you, I didn't take from your posts, I may have posted the same ones, but to the best of my knowledge not copying you. The avatar you took, it was the one I used a year earlier. You couldn't take the one I was using at the time, because it was custom made based on a photo of me (so, it would be impossible to deny you stole it). But taking the one from a year before... (The pink background is something that you did customize yourself, admittedly). And you copied the font colour I was using. Payback for something I didn't do. *sigh* But the woman with the saxophone you used as a banner was "mine", the woman with the violin was one I posted in "women with guitars", mentioning it wasn't a guitar but the thread best suited for it. You posted a picture I used as an avatar on another forum. 2022 a lot of your easter pictures were stuff I had downloaded the evening before, it was creepy to see you very often use a picture that I downloaded, so often that I wondered at the time if you somehow were looking on my computer or tracking me... The bottle with music pills. I could name many more that were "mine". I mean, yes, they're all internet pics, so I can't claim specific ownership, but, the avatar one you even said you marked it as "do not use" and still used it... Basically, you were first accusing me of doing something to you where I didn't, and then when you had my attention on "the offense", you were doing the exact thing you mentioned. Which is rubbing in that you're doing it on purpose, to hurt me. As, I usually don't pay much attention or make a big deal of stuff like that. I know F also once posted a coffee pic that I had posted, which just made me smile that he liked it, and move on. The reason I see your actions differently, is because you frame them beforehand as "something evil I supposedly did", and then go on to do "the same as payback". And as with most of your accusations, the "stealing your pics one", I didn't have a clue what it was about. I'm not saying it's impossible I used a pic you also posted. I'm just staying, I definitely didn't intentionally steal it nor did it to hurt you.
I'm not going to bring up every single attack, there were so many. Posting stuff from email in threads. The hidden stabs. References everywhere to stuff that was happening in my life, some of it coming from my PMs to someone. Making me go back to check I didn't tell anyone else. You know, you mentioned in 2020 "you were going through a lot". Not that it's a competition, just saying, I think I was going through much more than you. I may have told you a great deal, but I haven't told you everything either. I have the feeling, things are finally starting to fall into place. To me, this blogpost is part of that. It's saying goodbye to the past, closing the lid of the box, tucking it away. I hope to not ever having to touch it again.
You said at some point, you and I are much more alike than I realize. I've been wondering about that. I'd say, we both like music. Before you were with F, your music preferences were different than mine, but no two people are alike I suppose. I'd say, since I'm not around F anywhere anymore, mine may have diverged, by finding other songs than you and him did. But yes, we both like music.
I think it's safe to say we both like (watching) art and pictures of it. My paternal grandfather was - among other things - an artist, and that gene is passed on to me. I'm not an art creator - I'm good with something I can only describe as "making things from playdoh/clay" in English (lack of vocabulary) - but I've not done any sculpting, oil painting, etc. From posting the same kind of pictures, I'd say we do have a similar taste there.
I'm making the assumption you're a good cook, since you so often mentioned cooking all kinds of special dishes. Whereas I usually don't go for anything non-standard (lack of time/priority), I'd say I'm a decent one as well. And yes, I learned to cook soup by now, lol. I guess I failed it before b/c the dietician said to basically only boil vegetables (no bouillon, no stewing the veggies, avoiding certain kinds) and, well, that's not tasting good, but if I make it more the way my grandma does, then it is good.
As far as personality... I'm not sure I should mention [...] because, even though I leave out names, *some* people may still realize and you were insistent that [...]. I think you must be not neurotypical also. Not something you ever said directly, but based on: you called yourself an empath at some point, and I can't imagine you having a clue of the effects of your actions on people's emotions, or you wouldn't do what you do. Well, unless you're a sociopath/psychopath who *enjoys* hurting people, but those are not empaths. So, I discarded the empath label. Yet, from what you told me - if any of it is true - you seem emotionally fragile, impacted deeply by things around you (as am I). It's not uncommon for people who have Asperger's. And I think you said [...] - I should probably not mention that either.
Also, I think you're intelligent. I think you're good at maths, and good at thinking logically if you want to do so.
So far what I can see as "being alike". Then, there's the differences. I think I (used to?) care more deeply about people than they care about me. Even if I talk to many, there's only a very select few that I consider friends. You used to be one of them. I have the impression you don't really care about people much, beyond where they stop being useful to you. Looking back from where I'm now, I can see some of your lies being to protect being found out from using both me and C to get F.
Perhaps you're better at making jokes, and I assume you're way better (and more experienced) at flirting. The latter, well, from what you told me, I guess you had to be.
I'm assuming you're way better at dressing up. I have no sense of fashion and I'm often asking colleagues or the cleaning lady if X or Y suits me. And I often am at loss whether X or Y is appropriate in situation A.
What I'm better at, I think, is seeing the full picture. From what I get from you, I'm always "the worst". Whichever accusation is new in your mix, is always "the worst anyone can do". I think I'm better at seeing shades of gray. At seeing you for the good and the bad. I think I'm more versatile and willing to try something different than you are. And not sure if this is a good quality, but, I think I'm better at accepting - to a point - that things are imperfect/not ok, but I'll still put up with the situation as it is; to (over?)value the good in someone, what they bring to the table, and settle for what people are willing to give me. I'll very seldom ask for something, and even if I do, no is no, I don't nag about things. This often leads to my needs not being met, so, not sure it's a good quality, but, it's the way it is. In all of this mess, I may have lost some of my innocence, still, I think I'm more innocent than you. I genuinely often am clueless about your accusations, and often, I can't imagine why you would even think I'd do. Perhaps, I also overestimate how well people know me. Because, to me, a connection to someone means so much, and obviously, much more than it means to you.
You may be better at the way you word things and sound more caring, I may be caring more deeply but come across as if I don't. You may be a rollercoaster, I may be a boat on a canal in Venice. We both move, to our own songs.
I wish I could end this with "sending you the best". After all that happened, after all the hurt, I can't. That doesn't mean I specifically hope bad things happen to you. If something bad happens to you, it would hurt him too. So the worst I could actually wish for, would be that you'd totally forgot about someplace and leave me alone. If I could turn back time, I wish you and I never met. I've learned and grown a lot. It wasn't worth it. Wisdom comes with damage. So, for what it's worth... I hope at least he's happy and you can keep making him. I guess that implies you'd be healthy enough to go where he wants to take you, you'd live long enough for him to not miss you, and you'd be happy enough for him to be happy too. That's the best I can do.
I know you don't like to revisit the distant past, as you are "over it". I'm not. I'm not angry with you, despite all you did. I am very deeply hurt. Even today still. At times I think you don't realize the consequences of what to you probably was nothing, and at times I think you must enjoy seeing the destruction in me.
Your last accusation, that I hacked into your accounts, was a really bad one. I already explained that you can't target a specific person without some basic knowledge, like, a username at the very least. Without even knowing someone *has* an account someplace to begin with. I guess I can't deny that I could have assumed you had a YouTube account, but the OneNote-thing, how was I supposed to even know you had it? Last time, you mentioned "I said I didn't do that", so obviously, you don't believe in my innocence. I suppose there's no point in repeating that to you, yet, while I can't change your opinion, your opinion can't change the truth. I know I "half" apologized for it. I knew you wouldn't believe it wasn't me. And, I guess, I also knew apologizing wouldn't matter. Nothing matters, when it comes to you.
It's something that truly confuses me. I don't know what you want from me. Obviously, years ago, I must have upset and angered you, unintentionally, as I thought you and I were friends. Are you so angry at me because I considered you a friend? Are you looking for the worst in every situation because you can "move on" and feel good about yourself after what you did? Honestly, I don't know. I do know I tried everything with you. I've done a great deal of explaining and denying, I've ignored you for so long, and yes, I have occasionally lashed out at some of your attacks. I'm not proud of the latter. It's one of the things I should have handled better. But, I even went as far as apologizing for your crazy accusations that I didn't do, in hopes of some kind of peace that never comes. And I wonder, why? What more can I do? Sometimes, I think it's not anything I did or said at all, but you searching for a reason to validate your own actions and motives. "Hurting me is ok". Something you in a way said, even.
I'm interjecting this, as it seems better suited here than down. I've always firmly believed that F chose C over me. C said he was "going for me", but I never felt that way. It's one of the things I told you also when you and I still were friends, that I was unsure of what he even wanted. That it hurt to see him flirt with C while complaining about her so much. I truly believe F and C were toxic as a couple. He brought out the worst in her. She may be a good person, but that relationship with him wasn't good. Anyway, when you and him started out, C and I talked, since, we now had something in common, I guess. I told her, to leave you and him alone. If someone is made for someone else, nothing you do can change that. And if they aren't, nothing will stop a couple from falling apart all by themselves. From what you said, she didn't take that advice to heart - nothing I can do there. But, I've always thought, it was weird that you would accuse *me* of trying to steal him away from you. I was keeping my distance. Not being flirty. Hell, I was so innocent at the time I barely recognized flirting. I've changed, by now, or I think so at least, but I think I've become better at picking up those signs. Anyway. I got the feeling that you accepted her as some kind of friend/acquaintance and go all after me as the enemy, while in reality, I feel I never truly was competition for you. I don't believe you and him will break up. If it happens, it usually happens around the 6th month, which has long past since. So, statistically, I'd say, you won't. It could be "some years from now" if you'd make it to the "around 7 year mark" to break up, but then, he'd be, what, around 60 by then? Not exactly an age you'd associate with people starting over anymore. More the age where people accept things aren't ok and just find ways to cope. I'm basically saying, I don't see it really happening. But if it would, I'm sure he'd go running to C to cry. Either he'd restart his thing with her (I hope for her sake she doesn't go there, since, they aren't good as a couple, and she'd be likely only "until someone better comes along"), or he'll go for someone new wrt relationships. I firmly believe he'll never contact me again. I could be wrong, but, I don't expect to ever hear from him again. And no, I won't contact him either, I'm not angry with him, I just am not convinced there would be any kind of future, be it friends or more, after all of this mess, not to say I don't wish things would be different, just being realistic and saying they aren't, and I can't live in "what ifs" and "could-have-beens".
I also don't understand why you keep trying to isolate me. Not so long ago, I spoke elsewhere online to a guy from "my region". He's older than both of us, so I'm sure for neither of us a potential partner. As he's not from your region, and hadn't posted in music much yet at that point, I can't see what you would think to have in common with him. Apart of course, that I had spoken to him. To me, it was just nice to for once speak my mother tongue online. I didn't mention any of our situation. But the day after, you had added a follow. And since then, the guy hasn't spoken to me anymore. God only knows what you told him, but, since some people *did* give me screenshots, I can guess it wasn't pretty and likely along those lines. But, honestly, what does my pain, my loneliness, bring to you? It doesn't make your life better, does it? And yes, you have removed that follow since. Perhaps someone told you I noticed, or his use to you was outlived so you got rid of him? Whichever.
At times, I feel guilty for having friends. Mostly at times when you attack even them. PW said it was always to be a matter of time before you would attack him too. I still felt guilty when you did. Why is it ok for everyone else to have friends, except for me? It all adds up to why you make me feel like some kind of monster. Lower than human. The source of all evil. The Devil, if you like.
You know, in 2020, it was painful, and I was struggling, a lot. But I could have gotten through and truly wished you the best. Despite the way you started it. I cannot put a definite date when that changed. These days, it's hard to admit that what is best for him - or at least, I assume he's happy with you - is the person who so far has been the worst for me. He and I had initially said we would remain friends. I think, even if you and I now come to some kind of peace, it won't be a possibility anymore. Even if he believes only half of all that you accuse me of, it's way too much for anyone to get over. And once you believe something, it's hard to believe differently. I may be wrong, but, I may be right.
The latter is one of the things I did him wrong, too. I apologized to him without being very specific, and I don't know if he got what I meant, but, it is what it is. When you started something with him, I started hearing all kinds of bad things about him. Timing wise, C apologized to me and had been causing drama while she was with him. At the time C apologized, you were with him, and you were causing drama for me... It made the rumours about him fit the facts. For a long time, I have believed that he made you think all what you accused me of. Until you said it was you coming up with that bulls*** yourself, and not him setting you up. I was hurting from what may not be an actual breakup, but, something of the sorts. YouTube taught me that avoidants usually leave while in love, and that it is harder than leaving after a relationship has ran its course. I firmly believe that is true. And I guess I still have hard feelings for you pushing me to create distance when I wasn't truly ready for that yet, certainly because the first thing you did, was going hard after him the moment I had turned my back, and that after saying "you could never fall for...". I felt betrayed in what I considered a friendship. I ripped out my heart by creating distance, and you tore apart my soul. I haven't been the same person since, and likely never will. Trust issues are caused by once trusting too much. Anyway, I think I did him wrong, by embracing a story that turned out to be false, even if it helped me forward. April to June 2020-ish I was doing the best at coping with the whole situation, of all the years that have gone. Today, I'm kinda ok-ish, I guess. It's hard to say, since you and him are a couple, and you're inconsistent, and I am still unsure of what is truth and what is lie on so many levels. At times, I wonder if he's too much of a coward to tell me certain things as they are/were ("avoid hurting by lying or at least hiding the truth" - which for me may make it worse than the short pain), and at times I wonder if he's telling the truth and some other persons are lying. I know for a fact that some other persons have lied on other occasions, I just don't see motives but then, who knows?
I never told anyone I was him. I never wanted someone to think I was him. The first thing I told you was the truth. After all the drama we had summer 2020, I needed peace of mind. I needed to get away from you. I deleted my accounts in both places, then created new ones, in part because I had no place left to escape my offline life, and in part because the first person who gave me screenshots of what you told people in private about me, reached out to me through PW/JR. You have no idea how much you messed me up there. How deeply you hurt me yet again. The effects of those accusations still are noticeable today. I swear I never told anyone I was him. I don't know who told you differently, or perhaps no one did, but, I never told anyone I was him. I was not Simple Sweet, Armi/Minerva, Cooper/Lala, Lady Chatterley and some other accounts no doubt that I ever forgot which ones you accused me of.
You've surely noticed that gradually, I stopped playing in music threads. The one I posted the longest in, was "what are you listening to", as it doesn't require anything from the poster before you, so, with the least risk of being forced to post a song I knew you would like, he would like, you would have posted (or have posted another song of the same singer/band). At some point, I started posting songs from my neighbour's radio - they were having construction workers over that played the radio loudly - and even then, you accused me that it was "about you" in some way. As if I would somehow pay or convince the neighbours' work crew to switch on a certain radio station, and that radio station to play stuff about you... I still, on my site, don't play music as often as I could, anymore.
They say everything happens for a reason. They say we don't grow from a position of comfort. So we need pain to change ourselves. Still, I feel what I learned from this wasn't worth the hurt you caused.
I've gone so far as to create my own place to get rid of you following me around. You stayed on ... after asking for ... for the both of you (and we let you have it), and more than just staying on ... you kept talking to my friends, playing in my times and in general creating issues for me. When you had both ... and ..., you started playing "like mad" on here. This place isn't the one for either of us. It's a nice site, but its members are just not the kind you and I are looking for. Or if they are, I haven't encountered them. I've made one friend on here. One single friend on a whole site. And he brought me another one. I suspect to you, it isn't about the site or the friendships either. I suspect, you came playing here because you wanted to get the whole internet to yourself. Unfortunately for me, my own site in the original format didn't work out. It was drama free, alright, but, I never got it really active. I tried recruiting people on ... (not on ... because reasons) and that didn't seem to work. I'm switching over, tomorrow, to a different format. If it doesn't get active then (I can recruit in more places), I'll throw in the towel and give up on my own place. But, the lengths one has to go to, to avoid being hunted by you (as that is how it feels, from my perspective)...
You know my account on ... is disabled, do you? Probably yes, but... It's not b/c my account is disabled, that I don't hear what happens, since some people who are a member on ... are also on my place. I'm admitting I have no clue what song your 5 letters are from, and since Google can't help there, not likely I'll ever find out. But just the fact that you didn't outright post a song must mean it's something bad. If it were just to move thread forward, any Imagine Dragons-song would have done. I'm sure you also know Porselein by Yasmine is as good as "my theme song", or that I very much like things like Save Tonight, Wicked Game, Nerina Pallot, Jack Savoretti, Soulsister etc. All stuff I often posted. Any of that would have done, if it were just to move forward thread. But no, you didn't choose that. You chose something very cryptic. Something that you could (and probably would) easily deny to be "bad". 5 letters that PW says probably are just random to make me overthink and search. Just a mind game, he says. Anyway, if you knew my account was disabled, it was kicking someone who was defenceless. I considered reporting your post. I asked Boo to reactivate my account - afaik, she didn't do it yet and perhaps missed the request in the mail since she didn't reply and was/is busy with her move. By now, I have something like, "whatever". It probably says more about you than it says about me. But yes, it did bother me. Yet another attack, totally out of the blue, unprovoked. I left ... after you went after PW. I think my last post there was around last Christmas.
Another thing you did there that hurt me deeply. End of Oct you started posting after my posts. If you have someone on ignore, you still see "Ignored user" as last poster in thread. So, you basically were forcing me to either stop playing, or throw you off of ignore. I talked to Boo, and she said "everyone is allowed to have fun, ignore it". Hard to ignore if someone is intentionally playing after you *while having other options* (don't say you don't have enough other sites with and without him), coming in during what they know are your playtime, obviously to bother you. I'm sure the timing, around the anniversary of my grandfather's death, also wasn't a coincidence. During the week, I had reasoned, that if you were allowed to post after me, I could do the same. As, "everyone is allowed to have fun". But, Boo said, I was not to post after yours... Talking of double standards, but, whatever. That weekend, PW accidentally posted after a post of yours. I guess he forgot the "don't do that", and you were - again - around in our times. I told him to quickly delete that post, and he did, and guess what? You accused him of bullying you! We were not allowed to post after you while you were allowed to come and post after me, and when we comply, we're bullies? PW says C "slapped him on the wrist" for that, even. I think you deleted the post in which you called him out with screenshot/quote, but the post in which you called him a bully without naming him by name, remained. Do you know how much he got hurt there? Did you care? I did. It's so unfair. PW is nothing but a wonderful person. He's kind and caring. He tried helping you despite knowing I didn't like you and him talking (I never outright complained, but of course he knew it didn't really sit well with me). Did you hurt him because, for once, someone chose me? Because you couldn't have him? Because he is the one thing (well, person) you can't take? I felt guilty for having friends. For drawing him into a mess that basically isn't his. He has supported me so much. He doesn't deserve what you did there. I felt really bad about that happening, and it is the direct cause of leaving ... to you too after you already had ..., and it's not fair that with *all* the sites you also have, you started posting like mad on here to avoid us even considering this site to play.
F once said, that if you came to post on ... in our times, that you should be a bit considerate. That while "site is big enough for everyone", leaving us space to play is being considerate. When PW and I play, we pick a few threads. Even if you and him would be on the same times, you could easily avoid us. Anyone can. We're not all over the place. What you did, seeking me out to come and hurt me, was far from that.
And again, around Oct. The avatar you customized... You had accused me of "copying your pictures", whereas on several occasions you posted some of the ones I posted first. I told you, I didn't take from your posts, I may have posted the same ones, but to the best of my knowledge not copying you. The avatar you took, it was the one I used a year earlier. You couldn't take the one I was using at the time, because it was custom made based on a photo of me (so, it would be impossible to deny you stole it). But taking the one from a year before... (The pink background is something that you did customize yourself, admittedly). And you copied the font colour I was using. Payback for something I didn't do. *sigh* But the woman with the saxophone you used as a banner was "mine", the woman with the violin was one I posted in "women with guitars", mentioning it wasn't a guitar but the thread best suited for it. You posted a picture I used as an avatar on another forum. 2022 a lot of your easter pictures were stuff I had downloaded the evening before, it was creepy to see you very often use a picture that I downloaded, so often that I wondered at the time if you somehow were looking on my computer or tracking me... The bottle with music pills. I could name many more that were "mine". I mean, yes, they're all internet pics, so I can't claim specific ownership, but, the avatar one you even said you marked it as "do not use" and still used it... Basically, you were first accusing me of doing something to you where I didn't, and then when you had my attention on "the offense", you were doing the exact thing you mentioned. Which is rubbing in that you're doing it on purpose, to hurt me. As, I usually don't pay much attention or make a big deal of stuff like that. I know F also once posted a coffee pic that I had posted, which just made me smile that he liked it, and move on. The reason I see your actions differently, is because you frame them beforehand as "something evil I supposedly did", and then go on to do "the same as payback". And as with most of your accusations, the "stealing your pics one", I didn't have a clue what it was about. I'm not saying it's impossible I used a pic you also posted. I'm just staying, I definitely didn't intentionally steal it nor did it to hurt you.
I'm not going to bring up every single attack, there were so many. Posting stuff from email in threads. The hidden stabs. References everywhere to stuff that was happening in my life, some of it coming from my PMs to someone. Making me go back to check I didn't tell anyone else. You know, you mentioned in 2020 "you were going through a lot". Not that it's a competition, just saying, I think I was going through much more than you. I may have told you a great deal, but I haven't told you everything either. I have the feeling, things are finally starting to fall into place. To me, this blogpost is part of that. It's saying goodbye to the past, closing the lid of the box, tucking it away. I hope to not ever having to touch it again.
You said at some point, you and I are much more alike than I realize. I've been wondering about that. I'd say, we both like music. Before you were with F, your music preferences were different than mine, but no two people are alike I suppose. I'd say, since I'm not around F anywhere anymore, mine may have diverged, by finding other songs than you and him did. But yes, we both like music.
I think it's safe to say we both like (watching) art and pictures of it. My paternal grandfather was - among other things - an artist, and that gene is passed on to me. I'm not an art creator - I'm good with something I can only describe as "making things from playdoh/clay" in English (lack of vocabulary) - but I've not done any sculpting, oil painting, etc. From posting the same kind of pictures, I'd say we do have a similar taste there.
I'm making the assumption you're a good cook, since you so often mentioned cooking all kinds of special dishes. Whereas I usually don't go for anything non-standard (lack of time/priority), I'd say I'm a decent one as well. And yes, I learned to cook soup by now, lol. I guess I failed it before b/c the dietician said to basically only boil vegetables (no bouillon, no stewing the veggies, avoiding certain kinds) and, well, that's not tasting good, but if I make it more the way my grandma does, then it is good.
As far as personality... I'm not sure I should mention [...] because, even though I leave out names, *some* people may still realize and you were insistent that [...]. I think you must be not neurotypical also. Not something you ever said directly, but based on: you called yourself an empath at some point, and I can't imagine you having a clue of the effects of your actions on people's emotions, or you wouldn't do what you do. Well, unless you're a sociopath/psychopath who *enjoys* hurting people, but those are not empaths. So, I discarded the empath label. Yet, from what you told me - if any of it is true - you seem emotionally fragile, impacted deeply by things around you (as am I). It's not uncommon for people who have Asperger's. And I think you said [...] - I should probably not mention that either.
Also, I think you're intelligent. I think you're good at maths, and good at thinking logically if you want to do so.
So far what I can see as "being alike". Then, there's the differences. I think I (used to?) care more deeply about people than they care about me. Even if I talk to many, there's only a very select few that I consider friends. You used to be one of them. I have the impression you don't really care about people much, beyond where they stop being useful to you. Looking back from where I'm now, I can see some of your lies being to protect being found out from using both me and C to get F.
Perhaps you're better at making jokes, and I assume you're way better (and more experienced) at flirting. The latter, well, from what you told me, I guess you had to be.
I'm assuming you're way better at dressing up. I have no sense of fashion and I'm often asking colleagues or the cleaning lady if X or Y suits me. And I often am at loss whether X or Y is appropriate in situation A.
What I'm better at, I think, is seeing the full picture. From what I get from you, I'm always "the worst". Whichever accusation is new in your mix, is always "the worst anyone can do". I think I'm better at seeing shades of gray. At seeing you for the good and the bad. I think I'm more versatile and willing to try something different than you are. And not sure if this is a good quality, but, I think I'm better at accepting - to a point - that things are imperfect/not ok, but I'll still put up with the situation as it is; to (over?)value the good in someone, what they bring to the table, and settle for what people are willing to give me. I'll very seldom ask for something, and even if I do, no is no, I don't nag about things. This often leads to my needs not being met, so, not sure it's a good quality, but, it's the way it is. In all of this mess, I may have lost some of my innocence, still, I think I'm more innocent than you. I genuinely often am clueless about your accusations, and often, I can't imagine why you would even think I'd do. Perhaps, I also overestimate how well people know me. Because, to me, a connection to someone means so much, and obviously, much more than it means to you.
You may be better at the way you word things and sound more caring, I may be caring more deeply but come across as if I don't. You may be a rollercoaster, I may be a boat on a canal in Venice. We both move, to our own songs.
I wish I could end this with "sending you the best". After all that happened, after all the hurt, I can't. That doesn't mean I specifically hope bad things happen to you. If something bad happens to you, it would hurt him too. So the worst I could actually wish for, would be that you'd totally forgot about someplace and leave me alone. If I could turn back time, I wish you and I never met. I've learned and grown a lot. It wasn't worth it. Wisdom comes with damage. So, for what it's worth... I hope at least he's happy and you can keep making him. I guess that implies you'd be healthy enough to go where he wants to take you, you'd live long enough for him to not miss you, and you'd be happy enough for him to be happy too. That's the best I can do.
