this sucks

i have to do all this work, which of course i have been putting off as long as possible. i have to clean up my place as i have a shoot early tomorrow morning. i have to get at least a couple hrs of sleep in somehow, not sure how. fuck.... i hate my place, it's yuck. i gave up on it a long time ago. i can still stuff shit in the closet and make it look semi decent. but then i can't find anything. and the dishes, oh god, should i just throw them all away and get paper ones?
and at the same time all i can really think about is how i can never have the one i really want. it is not fair. whatever, life is not fair. i know that. deal with it, move on, blah blah blah. i don't think i can ever forget him though.
i can't smoke inside my apartment anymore, city ordinance. i have to go outside, way outside the building. can't light candles or bbq either. whatever, anyway, at least i still have my own place. i have had roommates before. hell, even he stayed with me for a while. we used to sleep in the same bed.... hard to believe now. but we were never "together" i hate that. and there's nothing to be done now, and the more i say the worse i sound. i am just so fucking unhappy and i wish to be happy at least once before i die.
i don't even know if i can still feel anything but misery and sadness. i thrive on them. whatever whatever whatever. like peaches said i don't give a fuck!!!