But that's okay, I just want to vent.
Today is January 21, and in exactly 10 days, it will be three years since my father passed away. Its weird, three years? It seems like it was only yesterday.
There's so many things I wish I could tell him. There's so many questions I want to ask him. So many things I need advice on.
Honestly? I still feel like maybe one day I can pass him on the street when we're driving, and he's on his motorcycle, like we used to do when I was 17. I still feel like sometimes my phone's going to ring, and the caller ID will read Daddy. The hardest reality slap I've ever gotten was deleting his number from my cell phone. I think it took me about 3 months before I did. I used to call his voicemail just to hear his voice. Yeah, lame, I know.
My life came to basically a screeching halt when he left. It was just so sudden. And our last words were a muttered "fuck you" because I had woken him up for a nap, and he was grumpy. I didn't go to college right out of high school.. I had SO many scholarships but my heart was just to ripped apart for me to want to even venture into such an obstacle. I used to compete in national horseshows, and everyone asks me why I quit. My dad was the only person who went to them with me, as my support. Was I going to go alone? It just wouldn't be the same. I wouldn't see his smiling face on the fenceline when I passed. I wouldn't get his high-fives when his little girl won first place.
I honestly go to his grave and talk to him, like he can hear me. I more or less have a conversation with him. I want him to know whats going on in my life. I want him to know that I will always miss him.
I just.. don't know if this is something that will hurt me this deep for the rest of my life, or if the sorrow will subside. I always wonder who is going to walk me down the isle. Who would my boyfriend ask for my hand in marriage.. Nobody?
Well, sorry for anybody who even read this. It was just me needing to get stuff of my chest.
Today is January 21, and in exactly 10 days, it will be three years since my father passed away. Its weird, three years? It seems like it was only yesterday.
There's so many things I wish I could tell him. There's so many questions I want to ask him. So many things I need advice on.
Honestly? I still feel like maybe one day I can pass him on the street when we're driving, and he's on his motorcycle, like we used to do when I was 17. I still feel like sometimes my phone's going to ring, and the caller ID will read Daddy. The hardest reality slap I've ever gotten was deleting his number from my cell phone. I think it took me about 3 months before I did. I used to call his voicemail just to hear his voice. Yeah, lame, I know.
My life came to basically a screeching halt when he left. It was just so sudden. And our last words were a muttered "fuck you" because I had woken him up for a nap, and he was grumpy. I didn't go to college right out of high school.. I had SO many scholarships but my heart was just to ripped apart for me to want to even venture into such an obstacle. I used to compete in national horseshows, and everyone asks me why I quit. My dad was the only person who went to them with me, as my support. Was I going to go alone? It just wouldn't be the same. I wouldn't see his smiling face on the fenceline when I passed. I wouldn't get his high-fives when his little girl won first place.
I honestly go to his grave and talk to him, like he can hear me. I more or less have a conversation with him. I want him to know whats going on in my life. I want him to know that I will always miss him.
I just.. don't know if this is something that will hurt me this deep for the rest of my life, or if the sorrow will subside. I always wonder who is going to walk me down the isle. Who would my boyfriend ask for my hand in marriage.. Nobody?
Well, sorry for anybody who even read this. It was just me needing to get stuff of my chest.
