22M: Am I really bisexual?

[talon.harvey]

This post may be long but please, leave a comment if you manage to read the entire thing. I would greatly appreciate it. Hopefully, I'm in the right area of the forum.

I'm going to be as honest as possible . I'm a 22 year old guy and ever since I was a kid, I can remember being attracted to guys and girls. I've always leaned more towards girls though, since I've never been with a guy etc. No one knows about my sexuality except me. At the end of my life, I see myself having a wife and kids but I wanna explore the side of me that I never did, with a guy. Who knows what could happen?

I used to think of my bisexuality as something that could ruin me but honestly, I really feel like this is the year I come out and tell people. I don't care what happens anymore, I just want to walk in my truth. My family literally won't mind and if I lose friends then so what?

But I have a question. Am I really bi or is there a different classification?

-------------------------------------------------------------

To be completely honest, I've only ever masturbated to videos of guys. I can only get an erection from women when I'm involved with them, there's physical contact, etc. seeing them in videos/pictures does nothing for me. And that's the weird part to me. I do that, but I genuinely can't imagine myself having intercourse with another guy, it's just not me. Maybe I'm saying that because I've never done anything with a guy before? Even so, it really just doesn't seem like something my heart would be in. In fact, when I see the guys in these videos start to show their private areas, I get turned off and end up clicking out. I've had sex with women though.

It's obvious to me that the guys I'm attracted to guys that are better looking than me. I grew up with insecurities about my appearance (Trying to work on them now), so whenever I see a guy that looks better than me, I just find myself looking at them/observing how good they look, wondering if they're bi, wishing I could look like them, etc. At the most, I'll wonder what they look like shirtless, but I never really think about anything sexual. If I really like how they look, I might get an erection but that's it. Conventionally speaking, I'm not even ugly or anything, I guess I'm just big on looks and am surprised to see just how good some people can look, guys more so than girls.

I googled it and apparently this is called aesthetic attraction. The definition seems pretty spot-on and I can relate to it. But does the fact that I masturbate to guys mean that I'm sexually attracted to them too? What about me not being able to see myself having intercourse with another guy?

-------------------------------------------------------------

I say all that to say that: I want to come out this year but I don't even know if I can call myself bisexual because of what I just typed ^. I'm not gay, but it's clear that I'm not 100% straight either. If I were to come out, I can see myself dating a guy. The attraction would be there for sure, but I just can't wrap my mind around doing anything sexual with him. At the most oral, but I imagine that I'd be the one receiving, not giving.

So I'm just not sure. I'm really lost. Not to mention the stigma I'd face from a lot of women because they don't want to date a guy who's "been with other guys".

Can someone give me advice? I'd really appreciate it. I want to tell my truth but I don't know what my truth is and what it's called.

-------------------------------------------------------------

TL;DR: I want to come out but I don't know what I am. You could say I'm aesthetically attracted to guys, but I can't see myself doing anything sexual with one. I'm also attracted to girls though, so I'm just confused on what I'd call myself and what I'd tell people when the time to come out is here. Can someone please help? Thank you.

 

[ahardglance]

Just want to say that it's okay to not know the answers to these questions yet. You don't have to choose a sexual identity or feel obliged to stick with a label your whole life. It's okay to say "my sexuality is complicated and I'm still figuring it out."

Often, when first exploring who we are as sexual people, long-held ideas from growing up of who we're going to be can clash with who we really are...and that can be very disorienting and confusing. Especially when our culture enforces one way of life as the only acceptable option. You've always pictured yourself with a wife and child, but that doesn't mean that has to be your path. You might end up with a husband and child or even a gender non-binary spouse and five children or no children or running a house for foster kids or foster cats. In the end, what (and who) makes you happy in the present is what really matters, not what you *thought* would make you happy.

It sounds like your inner self already knows this, thus the urge to come out even while you're not sure what you will come out as. Get out there and meet people and get to know them and explore your sexuality and don't put boundaries on what you *think* you might be into. (It's also okay to tell the people you're dating/hooking-up-with that you're still exploring and don't know yet how far your interests will go. Decent people will be understanding.)

Good luck, be patient with yourself, and have lots of fun adventures.

 

[deleted10500801]

A lot of people are now saying they're sexually fluid and not limiting themselves to a label.

Human sexuality is complex and messy and constantly changes, very few people have a fixed orientation and even then if you look at their whole lives factoring all sexual experiences, fantasies and desires you'll see it's not that fixed.

 

[briacon429]

I agree with the other commenters. Most importantly, I wouldn’t worry too much about labels. To your point, the important thing is being honest with yourself. So if you‘re attracted to guys, and if you masturbate to guys, then enjoy it! It’s totally up to you if & when you want to tell other people about those desires, especially if you want to try doing stuff with other guys.

There‘s no rule that says you have to make a clear-cut choice between guys or girls, especially at age 22. If you try things out and like one over the other, that’s cool. Or if you decide you like both, that’s cool too. Or if you like one romantically and the other physically (or some combination of both) that’s another option.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, feel free to explore. You don’t need to come out to anyone at this point. Just give yourself permission to enjoy whatever turns you on; then see where it takes you! And once you’ve tried things out, and once you feel like you’re ready, you can decide if and how you want to identify. But most importantly of all, try to avoid worrying about what anyone else thinks; just do what’s right for you!

 

[bigboaster]

TL;DR: I want to come out but I don't know what I am. You could say I'm aesthetically attracted to guys, but I can't see myself doing anything sexual with one. I'm also attracted to girls though, so I'm just confused on what I'd call myself and what I'd tell people when the time to come out is here. Can someone please help? Thank you.

Don't feel pressured to have a label (like the above posters have said) you can choose to identify as bi if you wish (based on your description I think that would be accurate, the bisexual spectrum is very diverse) speaking as a gay leaning bi guy.

But you can also be "unlabeled" too and just choose to not box yourself in if you think your attractions are too complex to define.

Also regarding your inhibitions. I think it's too early to determine what you are or aren't into sexually if you haven't actually tried it yet. I kind of thought I would feel weird having sex with a guy my first time as well but I ended up liking it quite a bit so maybe you just need that first push.

The mental barrier sometimes can be misleading initially.

 

[SpeedThePlow]

Not much I can say that hasn't already been said. I think maybe you are overthinking it. I hope it doesn't sound crude, but I'd suggest it might be best to try having more and different kinds of sex with men and women, and see where that takes you. A lot of things that people write about this are pretty questionable.

(FWIW, a pretty sensible older gay guy when I was a young and confused person making a meal of my sexual identity said: "It's easy. Who do you masturbate to? That's the answer." Simplistic, but ...)

 

[Brodie888]

A bisexual is anyone who isn't exclusively sexually attracted to just one gender.

If you get an erection looking at men and you can see yourself dating a man, then you are definitely somewhere on that spectrum.

Getting an erection from a woman touching your penis means little. Straight men who get raped often get erections from stimulation from their abuser. It's a biological reaction, it doesn't mean you like being abused. If you fucked a warm apple pie, it doesn't necessarily mean you are sexually attracted to pies.

There are gay men who don't do anything except hand jobs and blow jobs or nothing at all, so that's a side issue.

Nobody really knows what is going on in your head. You may have inbuilt homophobia that is holding you back. It may be anxiety from doing something you've been told is a sin. You just need to spend time thinking about what sounds right to you.


As for coming out. My suggestion is to make friends with as many gay guys you can. When you find someone you can trust, you may wish to do some experimenting. Eventually you will figure out who you are and you can come out at that point.

Call yourself bi-curious if you want to in the meantime or nothing at all. But I wouldn't wear a label that you didn't feel comfortable in.

 

[Brodie888]

One other thing to be clear. Choosing a label or having a relationship with a man isn't a permanent tattoo on your forehead.

You can try things for years if you have to and change your mind. Don't make the mistake of not trying or a few short stabs. Give it a proper go until you are satisfied with the outcome and decide from there. And even then, you can always revisit it as your identity matures.

 

[johnweek1]

Bi dude here, so I have some advice you to contemplate. Firstly, my advice for you is to be comfortable about what bisexuality actually is, and to understand that traditional gender roles and bisexuality often clash. Bisexuality comes in many flavors, it's not always, and I'd wager most often, a 50-50 split. I think equating a value to "how bi" someone is, is not a correct view of bisexuality at all. You are either bi, or you are not -- the lines of grey in between are unique to each person. For me, I am into men sexually only, but women sexually and romantically, for example. And I have a specific type of male only that sexually attracts me to boot.

Bi people also vary in how we present/identify. Some BI men can be very femme, others can appear as straight as the next guy, or somewhere between; or not at all in any circle. For me, I have no interest in being outwardly femme, but I do enjoy and embrace some traditionally femme things like jewelry. Love me my bling, not because of status, but because I think its beautiful and it dolls me up a bit. And I love it because I am closeted, it's that one part of my bi self that I outwardly express publicly.

Even more confusing to many, gender roles! Many bi people fit into different circles then most are accustomed to. For me, I fit a slightly more emotional femme personality of nurturer which is not at first outwardly noticeable as I appear and dress like a "regular straight dude", and I desire a more masculine-personality type woman partner to compliment my less masculine traits. The day a woman wins me a stuffed animal at a faire, instead of me the man being expected to do that for her, or gets me a bouquet of roses and box of chocolates on Valentines day is the day I find me a wife. The great part, there are woman out there like this, many perhaps bi themselves, and there is nothing wrong with you, or them, if you are like this.

All in all, as a bi man that is only romantically attracted to women, gender roles are a real pain. It's amazing how little society actually knows about us. And remember, bi is not a 50/50 split as I have more of a preference for women over men myself. Hope this helps!

 

[Luke Yestizter]

This post may be long but please, leave a comment if you manage to read the entire thing. I would greatly appreciate it. Hopefully, I'm in the right area of the forum.

I'm going to be as honest as possible . I'm a 22 year old guy and ever since I was a kid, I can remember being attracted to guys and girls. I've always leaned more towards girls though, since I've never been with a guy etc. No one knows about my sexuality except me. At the end of my life, I see myself having a wife and kids but I wanna explore the side of me that I never did, with a guy. Who knows what could happen?

I used to think of my bisexuality as something that could ruin me but honestly, I really feel like this is the year I come out and tell people. I don't care what happens anymore, I just want to walk in my truth. My family literally won't mind and if I lose friends then so what?

But I have a question. Am I really bi or is there a different classification?

-------------------------------------------------------------

To be completely honest, I've only ever masturbated to videos of guys. I can only get an erection from women when I'm involved with them, there's physical contact, etc. seeing them in videos/pictures does nothing for me. And that's the weird part to me. I do that, but I genuinely can't imagine myself having intercourse with another guy, it's just not me. Maybe I'm saying that because I've never done anything with a guy before? Even so, it really just doesn't seem like something my heart would be in. In fact, when I see the guys in these videos start to show their private areas, I get turned off and end up clicking out. I've had sex with women though.

It's obvious to me that the guys I'm attracted to guys that are better looking than me. I grew up with insecurities about my appearance (Trying to work on them now), so whenever I see a guy that looks better than me, I just find myself looking at them/observing how good they look, wondering if they're bi, wishing I could look like them, etc. At the most, I'll wonder what they look like shirtless, but I never really think about anything sexual. If I really like how they look, I might get an erection but that's it. Conventionally speaking, I'm not even ugly or anything, I guess I'm just big on looks and am surprised to see just how good some people can look, guys more so than girls.

I googled it and apparently this is called aesthetic attraction. The definition seems pretty spot-on and I can relate to it. But does the fact that I masturbate to guys mean that I'm sexually attracted to them too? What about me not being able to see myself having intercourse with another guy?

-------------------------------------------------------------

I say all that to say that: I want to come out this year but I don't even know if I can call myself bisexual because of what I just typed ^. I'm not gay, but it's clear that I'm not 100% straight either. If I were to come out, I can see myself dating a guy. The attraction would be there for sure, but I just can't wrap my mind around doing anything sexual with him. At the most oral, but I imagine that I'd be the one receiving, not giving.

So I'm just not sure. I'm really lost. Not to mention the stigma I'd face from a lot of women because they don't want to date a guy who's "been with other guys".

Can someone give me advice? I'd really appreciate it. I want to tell my truth but I don't know what my truth is and what it's called.

-------------------------------------------------------------

TL;DR: I want to come out but I don't know what I am. You could say I'm aesthetically attracted to guys, but I can't see myself doing anything sexual with one. I'm also attracted to girls though, so I'm just confused on what I'd call myself and what I'd tell people when the time to come out is here. Can someone please help? Thank you.

You don’t have to fixate and assign a label to yourself. Those are simply labels; use them if you like them, or create your own if you can’t find one that fits you.
And as time passes if you find that you have discovered something new about yourself, you can always switch your labels or expand them. No one’s sexuality is strictly defined by a box or a word

 

[LMM]

I feel a need to chime in when I see internalized homophobia. I recommend you accept and embrace the queer side of yourself, this doesn't necessarily mean you are gay, but evidently you enjoy looking at men, which, in itself is queer. Maybe it can help if I tell you what turns me on. I am bi although I prefer the term sexually fluid. I've given up long ago to put my attractions in a box. I experience sexual, romantic, physical, and/or spiritual attraction to more than one gender, not necessarily at the same time, in the same way, or to the same degree. Now the reason I like the term "sexually fluid" is that for me, a lot depends on of whom I meet. So trying to box it all up neatly in some sort of label is pointless. I can tell you that obsessing about it is not healthy and for that matter is pretty useless as you will never find any resolution to it.

Maybe this will help clarify. You can have certain porn preferences, and fantasize on certain genders, but those don't determine what gender you might end up having sex with. You also might hook up with men and women for casual sex, and still this doesn't determine whom you might go into a long term relationship with. And who you are in a long term relationship with still doesn't establish that you might not be with the opposite gender later in life. Focus on what you like, it will sort itself out if you don't get in the way and think about it all the time. Thinking about this shit will ruin any kind of sex and love for that matter.

 

[Rock rock]

Jerl off together?

 

[JonahEss]

Relax with the labels! Arousal is fluid for many. My arousal preference changes with some regularity!

 

[lilouidg]

This post may be long but please, leave a comment if you manage to read the entire thing. I would greatly appreciate it. Hopefully, I'm in the right area of the forum.

I'm going to be as honest as possible . I'm a 22 year old guy and ever since I was a kid, I can remember being attracted to guys and girls. I've always leaned more towards girls though, since I've never been with a guy etc. No one knows about my sexuality except me. At the end of my life, I see myself having a wife and kids but I wanna explore the side of me that I never did, with a guy. Who knows what could happen?

I used to think of my bisexuality as something that could ruin me but honestly, I really feel like this is the year I come out and tell people. I don't care what happens anymore, I just want to walk in my truth. My family literally won't mind and if I lose friends then so what?

But I have a question. Am I really bi or is there a different classification?

-------------------------------------------------------------

To be completely honest, I've only ever masturbated to videos of guys. I can only get an erection from women when I'm involved with them, there's physical contact, etc. seeing them in videos/pictures does nothing for me. And that's the weird part to me. I do that, but I genuinely can't imagine myself having intercourse with another guy, it's just not me. Maybe I'm saying that because I've never done anything with a guy before? Even so, it really just doesn't seem like something my heart would be in. In fact, when I see the guys in these videos start to show their private areas, I get turned off and end up clicking out. I've had sex with women though.

It's obvious to me that the guys I'm attracted to guys that are better looking than me. I grew up with insecurities about my appearance (Trying to work on them now), so whenever I see a guy that looks better than me, I just find myself looking at them/observing how good they look, wondering if they're bi, wishing I could look like them, etc. At the most, I'll wonder what they look like shirtless, but I never really think about anything sexual. If I really like how they look, I might get an erection but that's it. Conventionally speaking, I'm not even ugly or anything, I guess I'm just big on looks and am surprised to see just how good some people can look, guys more so than girls.

I googled it and apparently this is called aesthetic attraction. The definition seems pretty spot-on and I can relate to it. But does the fact that I masturbate to guys mean that I'm sexually attracted to them too? What about me not being able to see myself having intercourse with another guy?

-------------------------------------------------------------

I say all that to say that: I want to come out this year but I don't even know if I can call myself bisexual because of what I just typed ^. I'm not gay, but it's clear that I'm not 100% straight either. If I were to come out, I can see myself dating a guy. The attraction would be there for sure, but I just can't wrap my mind around doing anything sexual with him. At the most oral, but I imagine that I'd be the one receiving, not giving.

So I'm just not sure. I'm really lost. Not to mention the stigma I'd face from a lot of women because they don't want to date a guy who's "been with other guys".

Can someone give me advice? I'd really appreciate it. I want to tell my truth but I don't know what my truth is and what it's called.

-------------------------------------------------------------

TL;DR: I want to come out but I don't know what I am. You could say I'm aesthetically attracted to guys, but I can't see myself doing anything sexual with one. I'm also attracted to girls though, so I'm just confused on what I'd call myself and what I'd tell people when the time to come out is here. Can someone please help? Thank you.

if you see yourself lasting with a woman with kids the only thing that I can ask of you is if you ever do end up messing with a guy pls let him know that you're only there for the sex and to not get feelings involved. since you're pretty sure you're going to end up with a girl, DON'T LEAD MEN ON. and don't be super nice or treat them like you would a women. bc all you're going to do is hurt them and leave them second guessing themselves and that's not fair for you to just want to "experiment". all youre going to do is hurt them. leaving them used for you own personal pleasure.
I suggest not feeding into your urge and just masturbate since you already know what you want at the end of the day. as a gay men "confused" men do that to me and it's done nothing but left me with depression. youre not gay. I say youre 98% straight and 2% gay so DONT ACT on those urges and just watch porn

 

[skaterboiz]

I did not even read what you wrote or what others said. YOU are a you sexual. l. YOU like what you like and that seriously can change quickly or slowly. Bi guys do turn their heads at attractive people of both sexes. Just tell any partner that is getting anything close to serious that you are bisexual. You can say what attracts you in men what attracts you in women. There is also the term pansexual which means you are attracted to the person not their genitals. Honesty if it is not just a hook up. DO not make them think they are not enough if you want more than monogamy. Play safe, have fun, keep your partner safe as well. If you do wander off and cheat, tell the partner if it is a one off or it may happen again, then they can decide to go or stay. Have fun, be honest with your partners and forget about a lable. Bi or pan, you like what you like at that time. Enjoy sex and fantasies.

 

[mtguy1972]

You may be, you sound maybe heteroromantic to me, meaning u might like playing with guys, but don't feel a strong romantic affection for them. I love that you want to live honestly. Maybe explore more on your own before you come out, or come out as curious or questioning since that seems to accurately describe where you are at present. Also, please don't feel any shame. What you described sounds completely normal. We are on a spectrum of sexuality, man. Enjoy.

 

[Jockstrap Guy 20]

Hello my friend....Miguel here College Student. Please see a professional for advise. Everyone is always to give advise which is not the best. God Bless......

 

[alpha_centauri]

Yes. But this is based on what you wrote about yourself.

 

[ToryK]

Hey Talon, it sounds like your head and heart are swarming with a myriad of desires, needs and questions. As other responders have suggested, that is completely normal and understandable, especially at your relatively young age.

I also agree with those who've mentioned the fluidity of sexuality. This society pressures us to "pick a label" and stick to it. For many (perhaps most) of us, that can be an unreasonable and unhealthy trap.

I encourage you to do the following:
- love yourself (not necessarily as easy as it sounds, but critically important)
- take care of yourself, physically and emotionally
- be honest with yourself, listen to your heart
- understand that you are unique, as is your journey through this life
- love yourself (yes, I'm saying it twice )

Finally, know that this is not a race or a competition. Take as much time as you need. You have a full, beautiful life in front of you. Take in the sunshine and smell the roses.

For the record, I'm 60+ and I've stopped trying to label myself. I've had more than my share of loving relationships with both women and men, and I only regret the opportunities I turned down.

Love is love

 

[Upanddown22]

This post may be long but please, leave a comment if you manage to read the entire thing. I would greatly appreciate it. Hopefully, I'm in the right area of the forum.

I'm going to be as honest as possible . I'm a 22 year old guy and ever since I was a kid, I can remember being attracted to guys and girls. I've always leaned more towards girls though, since I've never been with a guy etc. No one knows about my sexuality except me. At the end of my life, I see myself having a wife and kids but I wanna explore the side of me that I never did, with a guy. Who knows what could happen?

I used to think of my bisexuality as something that could ruin me but honestly, I really feel like this is the year I come out and tell people. I don't care what happens anymore, I just want to walk in my truth. My family literally won't mind and if I lose friends then so what?

But I have a question. Am I really bi or is there a different classification?

-------------------------------------------------------------

To be completely honest, I've only ever masturbated to videos of guys. I can only get an erection from women when I'm involved with them, there's physical contact, etc. seeing them in videos/pictures does nothing for me. And that's the weird part to me. I do that, but I genuinely can't imagine myself having intercourse with another guy, it's just not me. Maybe I'm saying that because I've never done anything with a guy before? Even so, it really just doesn't seem like something my heart would be in. In fact, when I see the guys in these videos start to show their private areas, I get turned off and end up clicking out. I've had sex with women though.

It's obvious to me that the guys I'm attracted to guys that are better looking than me. I grew up with insecurities about my appearance (Trying to work on them now), so whenever I see a guy that looks better than me, I just find myself looking at them/observing how good they look, wondering if they're bi, wishing I could look like them, etc. At the most, I'll wonder what they look like shirtless, but I never really think about anything sexual. If I really like how they look, I might get an erection but that's it. Conventionally speaking, I'm not even ugly or anything, I guess I'm just big on looks and am surprised to see just how good some people can look, guys more so than girls.

I googled it and apparently this is called aesthetic attraction. The definition seems pretty spot-on and I can relate to it. But does the fact that I masturbate to guys mean that I'm sexually attracted to them too? What about me not being able to see myself having intercourse with another guy?

-------------------------------------------------------------

I say all that to say that: I want to come out this year but I don't even know if I can call myself bisexual because of what I just typed ^. I'm not gay, but it's clear that I'm not 100% straight either. If I were to come out, I can see myself dating a guy. The attraction would be there for sure, but I just can't wrap my mind around doing anything sexual with him. At the most oral, but I imagine that I'd be the one receiving, not giving.

So I'm just not sure. I'm really lost. Not to mention the stigma I'd face from a lot of women because they don't want to date a guy who's "been with other guys".

Can someone give me advice? I'd really appreciate it. I want to tell my truth but I don't know what my truth is and what it's called.

-------------------------------------------------------------

TL;DR: I want to come out but I don't know what I am. You could say I'm aesthetically attracted to guys, but I can't see myself doing anything sexual with one. I'm also attracted to girls though, so I'm just confused on what I'd call myself and what I'd tell people when the time to come out is here. Can someone please help? Thank you.

This looks like something that I would post lol

I'm 22 too and I was in the same situation. I feel atraction only with handsome guys, but at the moment it just that. I used to be in love with girls when I was younger and felt attraction with some guy (in the real life) but never love (yet).

I think (can't be the right answer but is just what I think) that men are idiots, all of us have our idiot side (in some cases are more or less idiots) all the men I meet are idiots lol and that's why I never look for a relationship with a guy. I think girls are very smart and have something that boys don't have, maybe the women sense idk.

I look my future with my own children but I don't have anyone now to have them. I think that I don't need to explain anyone about my sexual orientation, even my family and friends. I don't define my own sexual orientation and I don't want to do it. I'm just living my life and the destiny will talk if I'll be with a good girl or a good boy, I'm open to both sides but I don't want to have a tag above of me.

I can only suggest u that do what you like with your life and what you think is the best for u. Be open to any possibilitie and keep your heart and mind open too.

I'm the kind of guy that only can have sex with someone that I love so I never experienced any sexual with a guy yet but if you are more open in that side, I'll suggest u to experiment and watch if it's something that you like. Maybe some day I'll experiment too.

Good luck!