Advice on open relationship

[Sto-helit]

Thought I’d get some advice from the cool people here on LPSG as I feel yall will understand better than most.

I’m in a relationship with a guy. Been nearly two years and we’ve decided to go open.

I’ve been in an open relationship before but every time it has ended in disaster primarily because I was with men who had no regard for my feelings and needs and I just relegated to last place in their mind.

New relationship is awesome but having some anxiety about being open.

I have a higher sex drive so I feel like it’s going to help me curb some cravings but I’m also so madly in love with them and they are the hottest person I’ve ever been with. Like I’m only really ever horny for them, they are my perfect type.

However we are both tops and I’ve learned for be a bottom for them but if I’m hooking up with other guys I only want to top. So there’s a bonus point there.

What I’m struggling with is that feeling of being second choice again. We went out on the weekend discussed being open before hand. I kissed a few guys and they were clearly keen on this guy and I watched in the club how they tried their hardest to get the guy. They got the guy in the end and I was oscillating between pride because they got what they wanted and they are so hot I find it a bit of a turn on but also I was feeling dread and abandonment. Especially seeming their sex drive is lower and we hadn’t done it in a while. So I’m feeling a bit left out.

I also just don’t know how to act. My brain is a bit neurospicy and I like rules and clear expectations which gay men in the club and on Grindr don’t give. My partner likes to go with the flow. Like I’m just dying to know what the plan is at all times. When I know that won’t really help.

I feel like I’m surpresding my true self a bit like even though we’re open I’m worried I’ll hurt their feelings or come across as too sex focused.

How have you gotten over that jealousy and abandonment pain and really settled into being your true self?

Many thanks in advance

 

[elklindoxxx]

My partner and I go with other couples. From what I gather from your post. If you feel anxiety about having an open relationship. Then you shouldn't do it.

This is something that you decide as a couple to do, not in isolation. Once we decided to go with other couples, we went to see a therapist for further guidance as to how we need to manage our relationship. And it takes a lot of work and effort to maintain our relationship.

 

[borg1125]

You have a lot going on in your mind and in the relationship that probably best ironed out with a therapist, a therapist that has experiences with gay open relationships. And maybe you and your partner should both go as a couple.

 

[Evenflow369]

Close it, the open relationship is too much for you to go through

 

[chrisrobin]

If you live together the answer is don't do it.
If you are in any serious relationship, even not cohabiting, the answer is still, dont.

 

[Ernestoteles]

I’m in a relationship with a guy. Been nearly two years

Attraction research shows that the initial attraction lasts between about six months and two years.

and we’ve decided to go open.

I’ve been in an open relationship before but every time it has ended in disaster primarily because I was with men who had no regard for my feelings and needs and I just relegated to last place in their mind.

Q1: So you weren't the driving force behind this decision?

Q2: Did you have to accept sexual non-exclusivity in order not to put the relationship at risk?

New relationship is awesome

This is called New Relationship Energy (NRE) in polyamorous terminology.

Q3: Now I'm confused because you use the term relationship. Have you two not only agreed on sexual non-exclusivity, but also on multiple relationships = polyamory?

My advice for those new to polyamorous relationships

I have a higher sex drive

This can mean two things,

Q4: more sex with the same person and/or more sex with different people.

Especially seeming their sex drive is lower and we hadn’t done it in a while.

Q5: Are you less sexually attractive to them now?

Q6: Was that why your partner suggested sexual non-exclusivity?

My brain is a bit neurospicy and I like rules and clear expectations which gay men in the club and on Grindr don’t give. My partner likes to go with the flow.

I understand this to mean that you are high in conscientiousness, while your partner (like me) is low in conscientiousness (similar: MBTI J types versus P types). You always want clear rules and your partner always wants to act spontaneously and not commit in advance. In everyday life, you are probably the tidy one and he is the sloppy one. So you are antipodes in this respect, and you often irritate each other.

We went out on the weekend …

Q7: Who came up with this strange idea? Partner: Invitation to play. You: need for surveillance?

But that sounds completely silly if you weren't looking for a threesome or foursome. An open relationship (or polyamory) doesn't mean that you are present when the other person is looking for an attractive sexual object (and/or an additional lover). You don't take a watchdog with you.

I’m also so madly in love with them and they are the hottest person I’ve ever been with. Like I’m only really ever horny for them, they are my perfect type.

This is a very bad prerequisite for not being a monopolist on sex and/or relationships any longer!

Q8: So you love him more than they love you? Which isn’t unusual at all.

What I’m struggling with is that feeling of being second choice again.

Q9: Do you think that you are actually second choice? Do you think your feeling reflects reality here?

People with a secure attachment style tend to fare better on outcomes such as relationship stability and sexual satisfaction, research suggests, and may be less likely to engage in disruptive acts such as partner surveillance or harmful sexual behavior.

Attachment

Anxiety

1. I worry about being alone.
2. I often worry that romantic partners don’t really love me.
3. I worry that others don’t value me as much as I value them.
4. I often worry that romantic partners won’t want to stay with me.
5. I worry about being abandoned.
6. I find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like.
7. I worry about having others not accept me.

Avoidance

1. I worry about having others not accept me.
2. I worry about others getting too close to me.
3. I am nervous when anyone gets too close to me.
4. I am somewhat uncomfortable being close to others.
5. Romantic partners often want me to be closer than I feel comfortable being.

As you try to rate these items for yourself, note that agreement signifies high anxiety or avoidance and disagreement signifies low ranking on the two dimensions. … To sum up, this simpler and seemingly more realistic approach to attachment style should lead you to rethink the way you check out your own sense of security and desire for closeness in relationships.

The Latest on Attachment Style and What it Means for You

Cumulatively, these researchers’ findings indicate that people who might be inclined towards CNM are freedom-loving risk-takers who are independent, conscientious, agreeable, enjoy novelty, and perhaps a bit horny. CNM-leaning folks also tend to have high levels of trust and low levels of jealousy and are a bit more extroverted than the general population … Willingness to put effort into relationships is also a hallmark of people drawn to CNM, and these folks generally concentrate on communication, conflict resolution, and attention to creating and following relationship agreements. …

Who is dissatisfied with CNM (consensual non-monogamy) relationships?

Obviously, the biggest source of dissatisfaction in CNM relationships is a desire to be monogamous. There are deeply monogamous people for whom any form of CNM would be not only dissatisfying but actively intolerable.

Additionally, people who prefer very clear and consistent boundaries, have high levels of jealousy or anxiety, and are averse to risk-taking or germaphobes will probably have lower interest and satisfaction in CNM relationships.

CNM is an especially bad choice for people who have difficulty keeping agreements and a low desire or capacity to work on conflict resolution and could be especially uncomfortable for people with a strong interest in long-term mating.

Is Polyamory Right for You or Not?

Instead, trust that monogamous people know themselves and should not be harassed into attempting a relationship style they already know will be a disaster for them.

Monogamous by Orientation

If you are prone to jealousy and have a high level of attachment anxiety, then open relationships (and polyamory) will be uphill battles and only make you suffer.

Of course, you don't have to answer the questions – they are just for your orientation.

 

[halcyondays]

How have you gotten over that jealousy and abandonment pain and really settled into being your true self?

By not being in an exclusive relationship! That's really what you want isn't it? Otherwise you wouldn't experience jealousy and abandonment?

It's called sexual liberation. You and your partners are free to hookup with whomever. In my experience it helps not to live together.