Aging And Changing Of "attractiveness"

[deleted1547822]

No, this isn't about wrinkles and saggy bits... although my wife and I - now in our 50's and retired in a pleasant little green part of the world - certainly know about that... lol

A female former coworker of mine (also retired military) has long been considered a family friend. We're all friends on Facebook, etc... and she still lives an adventurous life, traveling the world as a contractor. Occasionally, she will post the odd half-naked fireman-calendar type of thing. I don't think anything of it, but my wife commented along the lines of "being too old for that" and that our son is that age and is similarly handsome and fit. In her mind, those other firemen are just little boys like the one she raised. She also grew up in a world that wasn't safe, and that influences her worldview now (cue sidebar Brene Brown discussion...).

I see merit to both points of view. You could formulate an ethical argument either way. My personal experience was rather recently, when my wife and I were eating pub-grub one afternoon. The college-town waitress was wearing black yoga pants and I noticed that she had the cutest little butt. And then I realized there was no sexual desire present. I was wondering if my son would think so, and that she looked like good "daughter-in-law material" or whatever. I saw her no differently than I do my nieces. It was an odd revelation experience. I honestly prefer the mature woman. I still think my wife is the most beautiful thing on the planet. Show me the latest starlet on the red carpet, and I'm "meh..." The 50 year old that embraces age and still rocks it? That's what philosophers were talking about when they were trying to get at the essence of beauty. And the 25 year old me would be appalled at the me of today... lol

Anyway, for the ladies' side it's one for one. I'd be interested to hear your thoughts if you'd like to share

 

[LaFemme]

I find that feel a similar way. I see attractive young men in their 20s and 30s and I realize I have zero desire. They’re the same age as my boys. I could never look at my boys’ friends with any sort of desire. It just isn’t there. I can say objectively, “he’s cute” without any want at all. I like men within a few years of my age. But never say never! Lol!

I don’t see anything particularly wrong with being attracted to younger people. Sometimes I wonder what a May/December couple might have in common, but it’s not really my business. it’s just not my thing.

 

[Tight_N_Juicy]

For me it's a combination of the fact that people more than 5 years younger than me tend to look like they wouldn't be old enough to post on this website and that I have nothing generationally in common with them. A man in his early 20's (or any person for that matter) just isn't on the same page I am in life. It's not even a matter of maturity, because people mature at different rates. I just don't have similar interests or experiences generally with people who are significantly younger or older than me.

I'm not against age differences, I'm not one to judge what other consenting adults do and are into. It's just that for me I feel like a substantial age gap keeps me from being able to really connect with a partner on a more emotional level, which keeps me from being able to fully enjoy any potential connection on a physical level.

I have dated someone who was 15 years older than I was. We never got serious, and neither of us ever meant to. It was just palpable that we didn't have enough in common to ever be committed to each other.

And... Being similar in age to my guy is significant in more ways than that. I literally grew up with him. We have actually, legitimately known each other our *entire* lives. We turned into the people we are today together. So for our relationship, it's as strong as it is because we continue to grow together. We've seen each other evolve into who we are now, and we've influenced one another in the process. He's literally part of who I am because he's been part of my life the entire time.

I'm more than confident that as he ages my attraction to him will only continue to grow the way it has been non-stop for these past 30-sum years. I will keep my fingers crossed that he feels the same way about me.

(I love the way you talk about your wife)

 

[Scarletbegonia]

I say, and it galls me,sometimes, he’s going to be a heartbreaker, something the old folks said about my generation.

I have clients in my kids age range. They are special needs. So I am ever vigilant to not get near lines, let alone cross them.
That extends out. I’m dating a newish (And Jewish, there ya go, mom) guy, and he’s 13 yrs older. Sort of fixes the inappropriate age thing. Last dude was 16 years older.
the last time I dated younger was high school and it was about a year. And weird.

and I second TNJ, you speak so kindly of your partner.

 

[deleted924715]

I feel similarly to TnJ about having that connection. There are just so many in-jokes and shared experiences with someone around the same age that encourages intimacy.

I don't think I've ever dated younger and I didn't like the boy band type even when I was the boy band age...

Then again, critters are the way to my heart, so I'd smooch the face off a 25 year old with a house full of rescued pups

 

[Holly Doors]

From a desire perspective back in the day I always found older men more attractive, both in looks and maturity. Now I've gotten older myself that kinda seems to have less significance than it used to, however that doesn't mean I suddenly find younger guys attractive, I don't. I definitely look at guys in their 30's who I would have lusted for when I was in 20's as if they were kids now that I'm in my 40's.

 

[deleted1547822]

In my youth, my only age "rule" was no one younger than my sister (she's 2 years younger). How little two years is, once you've got a few more decades under your belt... I suppose if I were my friend and looked as she does I would do what she does. More power to her. The thing is that my shift in thinking wasn't a conscious decision, and that waitress instance was the oh-shit realization.

It would be easy to just write it off as some parental instinct, but my sister is the same way now that I think about it; and she doesn't have children. I suppose it's just one more points of variety in the spectrum of humanity. I thought it might be a good question for here.

Thanks for pointing out my comments about my wife. That just comes out as naturally as any other fact in my head. If you knew her, it would be obvious. She's a blessing to everyone she meets, to paraphrase Brandi Carlile. I'd gush, but nobody wants to hear that... lol

 

[EllieP]

I live near a college town. On my first visit I was vaccinated against any prurient interests in the "kids" there. I was taking a walk around campus when I was propositioned by two boys separately. I don't know if it was a fraternity ritual or what, but they looked the part.

I have no interest in having a younger lover. Yes, I like seeing a nice butt in a tight pair of jeans, but I just look but don't touch. Elephants are fun to look at, too, but I wouldn't want to own one.

And please, gush about your wife! I love it when a man speaks of his love like that!

 

[Scarletbegonia]

I live near a college town. On my first visit I was vaccinated against any prurient interests in the "kids" there. I was taking a walk around campus when I was propositioned by two boys separately. I don't know if it was a fraternity ritual or what, but they looked the part.

I have no interest in having a younger lover. Yes, I like seeing a nice butt in a tight pair of jeans, but I just look but don't touch. Elephants are fun to look at, too, but I wouldn't want to own one.

And please, gush about your wife! I love it when a man speaks of his love like that!

Elephants? So it’s rank that matters? Lol

 

[deleted1547822]

And please, gush about your wife! I love it when a man speaks of his love like that!

Well, you have to know her story to really get it; and I won't type that in a relatively public venue although an obscure corner of the interwebz. If you're really interested (or anyone else), I'll relate it over a message.

But, I do a half-assed job of keeping a journal. She's free to read it, and she does, because it answers the questions of what's going on in my head. Half-baked notions, philosophic thoughts, shit on my to-do list, how I'm feeling that day, etc...

So when she crosses my mind I leave those thoughts too for her to find later. Some are sweet and silly, like:

A secret

I occasionally enjoy 80's English pop,
even though I say I don't.

It makes me think of your
silly little gypsy dance,
that I've always loved.

and

Truth be told, over the years
I have always been quietly
cheering you on.

and some are more personal. You can infer what you will, but it's a note of understanding and compassion.

She never got to be a little girl.

 

[deleted1547822]

Sometimes I wonder what a May/December couple might have in common,

This is the thought I've been gnawing on. I think the same thing. Throwing out the extreme examples (e.g.: the 90 y/o oil tycoon and the 19 year old playboy centerfold), which are likely centered on an exchange of money for lust... What would they have in common?

A previous relationship was with a person that had a child-like appreciation for everything. Laughing wildly on carnival rides love of fun. It's intoxicating, particularly for an introvert. She's my age, we're still friends of a sort, and she hasn't changed a bit. It got tiresome while we dated, and I can't imagine being married to her.

But a significantly younger person can bring that sort of excitement into a relationship. I don't know if that's something "in common" (and I don't think it is beyond superficially); so I expect those types of relationships are doomed for failure. It would be for me.

I suppose that at as we age, the differences aren't so vast though. I mentioned 2 years earlier, which is nothing to me today. My wife is 3 1/2 years older than me. I used to joke that she was a cradle robber and/or cougar. That works when you're 28 and she's about to turn 32. Not so much now... . But I also see that as time goes on, 10 and 20 years difference isn't that big of a deal. All our stuff will stop working at some point, so it's important to find somebody you actually like.

A little gushing for EllieP: I genuinely like my wife. We have the same dark sense of humor. We have a similar worldview. We've spent more of our lifetime with each other than without. It wasn't an easy road, but we've reached equilibrium. We're just as happy pursuing our own interests as we are spending time together. She's kind to me. I try to be too.

But back to the original thought, maybe simple sexual energy is enough in common. If two individuals find each other hot and want to get their freak on... who am I to judge? I can appreciate it.

 

[Tight_N_Juicy]

I don't judge either, to each their own like I said earlier.

But me, personally I just don't find myself turning my head over younger people. I'm not even sure what it is specifically.. but even if the person is what I consider to be subjectively attractive if they're more than a few years younger than me to the point that you can visually see the age difference there's almost a guarantee that I won't find true desire.

I can be attracted to all types of people, but for whatever reason I do have a bias for people my own age. And when I say that I mean having a difference of no more than a few years. My guy is 2 years older than me, but we don't have a noticable difference when it comes to how old we look. We actually are relatable we are to one another in the sense that we never have to explain jokes to each other, we both relate to similar events generationally, and we've spent enough time apart (he's traveled quite a bit in his life) that there's still things to learn about each other's experiences and have that sense of excitement while also feeling totally comfortable and open.

So even though I don't have anything against age differences in relationships, I just don't see that for myself. I'm probably also biased because I also don't ever see myself not being with my fella.

 

[deleted1547822]

I'm probably also biased because I also don't ever see myself not being with my fella.

Imagine how that bias increases when you've both long accepted that you're going to grow old and die with that person.

 

[Tight_N_Juicy]

Imagine how that bias increases when you've both long accepted that you're going to grow old and die with that person.

No need to imagine.. that's been my plan for quite some time now

The only way we won't grow old together is if one or both of us dies young.

 

[Scarletbegonia]

This is the thought I've been gnawing on. I think the same thing. Throwing out the extreme examples (e.g.: the 90 y/o oil tycoon and the 19 year old playboy centerfold), which are likely centered on an exchange of money for lust... What would they have in common?

A previous relationship was with a person that had a child-like appreciation for everything. Laughing wildly on carnival rides love of fun. It's intoxicating, particularly for an introvert. She's my age, we're still friends of a sort, and she hasn't changed a bit. It got tiresome while we dated, and I can't imagine being married to her.

But a significantly younger person can bring that sort of excitement into a relationship. I don't know if that's something "in common" (and I don't think it is beyond superficially); so I expect those types of relationships are doomed for failure. It would be for me.

I suppose that at as we age, the differences aren't so vast though. I mentioned 2 years earlier, which is nothing to me today. My wife is 3 1/2 years older than me. I used to joke that she was a cradle robber and/or cougar. That works when you're 28 and she's about to turn 32. Not so much now... . But I also see that as time goes on, 10 and 20 years difference isn't that big of a deal. All our stuff will stop working at some point, so it's important to find somebody you actually like.

A little gushing for EllieP: I genuinely like my wife. We have the same dark sense of humor. We have a similar worldview. We've spent more of our lifetime with each other than without. It wasn't an easy road, but we've reached equilibrium. We're just as happy pursuing our own interests as we are spending time together. She's kind to me. I try to be too.

But back to the original thought, maybe simple sexual energy is enough in common. If two individuals find each other hot and want to get their freak on... who am I to judge? I can appreciate it.

I’d say if the energy, in total, is right, it’s right.