Allowed to stray but not tell dilemma

[D2D]

My husband has told me I can get what I need somewhere else but he doesn't want to know.
I don't feel completely right about keeping such a secret plus the logistical and verbal gymnastics is exhausting.
Only once did I hook up with a guy. It was a simple cuddle with me sucking him, no completion. I intended to continue seeing this guy.
Told the husband after, he was not happy. Never saw the guy again.
Any advice?

 

[theplayerking]

Are you adverse to quick, anonymous hookups on Sniffies, bookstores, etc.? Those are easier to arrange if you happen to have a hour or two free. Your husband may have more of an issue with your cuddling and intending to see your buddy again rather than you sucking a little cock every now and then (a not unreasonable concern).

 

[D2D]

Are you adverse to quick, anonymous hookups on Sniffies, bookstores, etc.? Those are easier to arrange if you happen to have a hour or two free. Your husband may have more of an issue with your cuddling and intending to see your buddy again rather than you sucking a little cock every now and then (a not unreasonable concern).

Anonymous is not my thing. Always wanted more of a fwb situation for a regular thing, an understanding. Everything was falling into place.

 

[chrissal480]

My husband has told me I can get what I need somewhere else but he doesn't want to know.
I don't feel completely right about keeping such a secret plus the logistical and verbal gymnastics is exhausting.
Only once did I hook up with a guy. It was a simple cuddle with me sucking him, no completion. I intended to continue seeing this guy.
Told the husband after, he was not happy. Never saw the guy again.
Any advice?

He says he didn’t want to know.. and it’s not cheating if he tells to do it.. so go do it and don’t tell him..

 

[Brodie888]

I have a hunch that you are not someone who can have sex without having feelings for the person you are having sex with.

So when you play with others, you feel guilt that you are bonding emotionally with other men.

Does that sound fair?

 

[D2D]

I have a hunch that you are not someone who can have sex without having feelings for the person you are having sex with.

So when you play with others, you feel guilt that you are bonding emotionally with other men.

Does that sound fair?

I would say to a degree, but it's also that I want to be able to feel comfortable with the other person. The best I can describe as my ideal situation is, at minimum as a FWB. Not just randoms "wham bam thank you, man. "
But a hangup or issue is also that i don't feel comfortable selecting my words and trying to not accidentally give any information that would say I'm looking into someone or there is someone that I get along with a little more than friends.
It is tiring to lie.
Like when questioned on spending time with a friend. Not that I wanted to describe what is done but also I don't want to constantly play verbal gymnastics. Specifically if i already had the go ahead.

I had a friend that I flirted with and got along very well, he was married to a woman but we never did anything. Maybe we would have if we continued but life took us different ways. My husband thought we had been messing around and said he was OK with it. Kept bringing it up and I told the truth and said we never did anything, we just had our own dynamic and I would let him know if we ever did and if he asked when that happened.
From this situation I assume he was OK with me being forthcoming. Definitely not as I found out later.

 

[Brodie888]

I would say to a degree, but it's also that I want to be able to feel comfortable with the other person. The best I can describe as my ideal situation is, at minimum as a FWB. Not just randoms "wham bam thank you, man. "
But a hangup or issue is also that i don't feel comfortable selecting my words and trying to not accidentally give any information that would say I'm looking into someone or there is someone that I get along with a little more than friends.
It is tiring to lie.
Like when questioned on spending time with a friend. Not that I wanted to describe what is done but also I don't want to constantly play verbal gymnastics. Specifically if i already had the go ahead.

I had a friend that I flirted with and got along very well, he was married to a woman but we never did anything. Maybe we would have if we continued but life took us different ways. My husband thought we had been messing around and said he was OK with it. Kept bringing it up and I told the truth and said we never did anything, we just had our own dynamic and I would let him know if we ever did and if he asked when that happened.
From this situation I assume he was OK with me being forthcoming. Definitely not as I found out later.

From what you are saying, it sounds like your husband is ok with you having random sex but is drawing a line with people who you could potentially have an emotional connection with.

Which probably is contrary to what you are after.

ie the pass is for physical openness not physical and emotional openness.

He may have been ok with your married friend because he is committed to someone else. But an unattached gay guy is a line crossed for him.

I guess the question you need to ask yourself is the reason why you want an open relationship.

To me, it sounds like your husband's boundary is that he doesn't want you to have an alternate life with an alternate partner. But if you want to fuck around no strings, just do it and don't tell him because the thought hurts his feelings.

To get the bottom of it, I would suggest saying to him that you are mindful of his feelings and he is always the priority but you want to just clarify what the boundaries are so that you are on the same page.

 

[D2D]

From what you are saying, it sounds like your husband is ok with you having random sex but is drawing a line with people who you could potentially have an emotional connection with.

Which probably is contrary to what you are after.

ie the pass is for physical openness not physical and emotional openness.

He may have been ok with your married friend because he is committed to someone else. But an unattached gay guy is a line crossed for him.

I guess the question you need to ask yourself is the reason why you want an open relationship.

To me, it sounds like your husband's boundary is that he doesn't want you to have an alternate life with an alternate partner. But if you want to fuck around no strings, just do it and don't tell him because the thought hurts his feelings.

To get the bottom of it, I would suggest saying to him that you are mindful of his feelings and he is always the priority but you want to just clarify what the boundaries are so that you are on the same page.

I think you are on point. More things make sense now. There is plenty for me to consider.
Thank you for the feedback I appreciate such a candid response

 

[Zhugezen]

Sometimes, others don’t need or require one’s own level of understanding.

He seems ok with you fucking around. Great!

He doesn’t need to know your rationale that makes you feel comfortable, by “forcing him” to hear and agree/support your thinking. It does make you a very considerate person for sure, from what I can tell.

So as long as you can control your boundaries, ie don’t be tempted to leave your hubby, it seems all good.

Maybe there is a deeper level of feelings you have not resolved/discovered as it relates to this. Who knows?

But shit, I wish I had the green light to go suck some dick from my wife. Any tips on that?…. Lol