Hi,
I'm writing this because I'm at a point that I dont know what to do with my life to be honest... My friends' opinions are certainly good but they are either too harsh or I just cannot take them too serious because they have been learning about this story since 5 years ago...
So, to begin with... I'm a 23 boy who has been dating this other boy for around 5 years now. He was the person that I have ever had sex with and also, my first lover. In these 5 years, I have felt many different emotions: we have fought slightly (but not really) because I felt more like a fuck-buddy to him than a boyfriend... and that is because our ideas of partners and relationships are quite different.
For him, a lover is just someone who you feel very comfortable with and that you can have sex with, and the "special" thing or difference between bestfriends and lovers is that you have a general sense of confidence (and for him, sex is just sex and can be done with anyone, but this is something that I have just learned recently).
For me, a lover is someone that ofc you feel comfortable with and with a very similar sense of relationship, except for the part that I consider that having sex with a stranger is not the same as with ur other special one, and having sex with someone else can be "risky" because it can make the relationship cramble sometimes.
I have always been scared of my own curiosity, and it has always been a strong thing for me. I have both sexual and romantic curiosities, in the sense that I'd like to explore sexually with different people, both men and women and also, I'd like to experiment again the feeling of falling in love and all the drama that comes with it (even if it sounds weird). However, I have always felt lucky that I found my other half, which is my bf, someone who I can connect in many ways and we share so many things in common... That's why, even if I felt like it, I never dared to break our relationship or open it because I didnt wanna risk it in any way...
This next 2 years for me are gonna be full of studying (because I'm preparing for an exam) and I'm having both mornings and afternoons busy with practice at the hospital + studying everyday. I have also started working out and feeling a lot better about myself lately. As this is happening, I'm thinking that I need less and less the attention that he has always given me, and it's not like I have wanted it before but now, even when I receive it, it doesnt feel as special or good as before, if he compliments me it doesnt really feel special and that's such a weird feeling after 5 years...
Last year, I was on an Erasmus and I had quite a few chances of getting laid and making out with different people but I just didnt feel it (I made out with friends but just for fun, it was not serious). However, I felt that during that year, the distance between my boyfriend and I has been growing a lot. The time that we spent talking, the things that we talked about, the interests that we had, how we viewed life, how we think about our needs...
This summer felt almost as if we were friends, we didnt have sex, we didnt have time to talk because neither of us decided to do a change in our schedules for the other... He says that it's because he was expecting us to have the whole year together now.. and that ended up with me talking to me seriously...
In this serious conversation, I told him that he shouldn't act as if our relationship and love is eternal, and always prioritize other plans that the ones that we should also do as a couple. He expected me to always be there for him and I made him the question: "What if I had decided to break up with you last year?, what if we broke up now? Would you regret now not giving our relationship the time that it deserves? After that, a few weeks passed and I started to feel super bad, because as I said, his lifestyle is just so much different from before and from mine: techno parties with lots of drugs, smoking weed everyday, playing videogames (which is ok because I do the same), smoking cigarettes (which I hate
((( ). Just, there have been so many things that he has started doing that are so negative to me and that I feel that affect our relationship.
I decided to tell him all of these things that disturbed me: the prospective of "our future together", which was feeling weird to me, the drugs, the cigarettes, the parties, the mood... and also, that I wasnt sure if what I felt at that moment was love or just care/familiar love. This last thing destroyed him, and I even told him that this summer, I even started talking randomly to some people and noticed that I was being flirty but more than ever... (like if I was lacking attention or love idk). After that, we decided to take a few weeks talking and re-taking dates to see how it was and well, there were mixed feelings.
Now we are back together, but he asked me to open the relationship because after our talk, he rethought about our relationship and told me that he was also curious about experiment with other people but he was scared of telling me because he didnt want to see me sad/angry/bothered and he told me: You are my priority but I'd like to experiment. I decided that for me it was Ok because this way I could experiment (even though I dont want to and I dont really have the time for that), or so I thought...
Just 4 days after, he went to a techno party with friends. I love that he is making new friends even if it's in these environments because he loves these kind of parties now but well. He told me that he made out with a girl, which was ok because it was random, the girl just wanted to make out with someone and he said: with me if u want to.. But, on the same night, he was dancing with another guy and he felt a good vibe, so they started talking and the other guy asked him if they could kiss and well, they made out. This is what he told me yesterday night, and I felt weird idk if it was bad or good, just so so surprised that he did it this soon... And well, after that he started kissing me, i didnt know what to say or how to normalize the conversation after what he had just told me, so I just went on with the kissing and making out but I just felt so out of place and uncomfortable, his mouth tasted like cigarettes and that combined with the strange feeling that I was carrying, I just couldnt get hard at all even if he was giving me a blowjob... I just felt so strange like goddamn....
We stopped, then had dinner and everything was back to normal, it was OK! And it's almost as if I had forgotten about what he had told me. We had sex this morning and well, it worked out perfectly but I felt as if I didnt really enjoy the sex that much (he came really fast and after that, instead of thinking of him while cumming, I started thinking about other sexual situations with other people...)
Almost feels like I'm lying to myself just to keep on going with this relationship. I love him so much, I still think he's adorable and so cute and handsome, but there are also so many things that I dont like anymore about him now (specially things that are not related to his personality, but more about his lifestyle. Feeling like I'm always with someone who smokes weed 24/7 and also cigarettes, that has no interests in his future and just in enjoying the moment... Am I being too selfish for asking for more from him? Do I really need more from him? I dont want him to change for me, but he has changed in many senses so much lately that I dont even feel like I'm dating the same person that I once did... idk there are so many questions on my head that I dont know how to answer so I'm just vibing with it and enjoying the present moment, working hard on myself and my studies to become a professional soon!
I'm writing this because I'm at a point that I dont know what to do with my life to be honest... My friends' opinions are certainly good but they are either too harsh or I just cannot take them too serious because they have been learning about this story since 5 years ago...
So, to begin with... I'm a 23 boy who has been dating this other boy for around 5 years now. He was the person that I have ever had sex with and also, my first lover. In these 5 years, I have felt many different emotions: we have fought slightly (but not really) because I felt more like a fuck-buddy to him than a boyfriend... and that is because our ideas of partners and relationships are quite different.
For him, a lover is just someone who you feel very comfortable with and that you can have sex with, and the "special" thing or difference between bestfriends and lovers is that you have a general sense of confidence (and for him, sex is just sex and can be done with anyone, but this is something that I have just learned recently).
For me, a lover is someone that ofc you feel comfortable with and with a very similar sense of relationship, except for the part that I consider that having sex with a stranger is not the same as with ur other special one, and having sex with someone else can be "risky" because it can make the relationship cramble sometimes.
I have always been scared of my own curiosity, and it has always been a strong thing for me. I have both sexual and romantic curiosities, in the sense that I'd like to explore sexually with different people, both men and women and also, I'd like to experiment again the feeling of falling in love and all the drama that comes with it (even if it sounds weird). However, I have always felt lucky that I found my other half, which is my bf, someone who I can connect in many ways and we share so many things in common... That's why, even if I felt like it, I never dared to break our relationship or open it because I didnt wanna risk it in any way...
This next 2 years for me are gonna be full of studying (because I'm preparing for an exam) and I'm having both mornings and afternoons busy with practice at the hospital + studying everyday. I have also started working out and feeling a lot better about myself lately. As this is happening, I'm thinking that I need less and less the attention that he has always given me, and it's not like I have wanted it before but now, even when I receive it, it doesnt feel as special or good as before, if he compliments me it doesnt really feel special and that's such a weird feeling after 5 years...
Last year, I was on an Erasmus and I had quite a few chances of getting laid and making out with different people but I just didnt feel it (I made out with friends but just for fun, it was not serious). However, I felt that during that year, the distance between my boyfriend and I has been growing a lot. The time that we spent talking, the things that we talked about, the interests that we had, how we viewed life, how we think about our needs...
This summer felt almost as if we were friends, we didnt have sex, we didnt have time to talk because neither of us decided to do a change in our schedules for the other... He says that it's because he was expecting us to have the whole year together now.. and that ended up with me talking to me seriously...
In this serious conversation, I told him that he shouldn't act as if our relationship and love is eternal, and always prioritize other plans that the ones that we should also do as a couple. He expected me to always be there for him and I made him the question: "What if I had decided to break up with you last year?, what if we broke up now? Would you regret now not giving our relationship the time that it deserves? After that, a few weeks passed and I started to feel super bad, because as I said, his lifestyle is just so much different from before and from mine: techno parties with lots of drugs, smoking weed everyday, playing videogames (which is ok because I do the same), smoking cigarettes (which I hate
((( ). Just, there have been so many things that he has started doing that are so negative to me and that I feel that affect our relationship. I decided to tell him all of these things that disturbed me: the prospective of "our future together", which was feeling weird to me, the drugs, the cigarettes, the parties, the mood... and also, that I wasnt sure if what I felt at that moment was love or just care/familiar love. This last thing destroyed him, and I even told him that this summer, I even started talking randomly to some people and noticed that I was being flirty but more than ever... (like if I was lacking attention or love idk). After that, we decided to take a few weeks talking and re-taking dates to see how it was and well, there were mixed feelings.
Now we are back together, but he asked me to open the relationship because after our talk, he rethought about our relationship and told me that he was also curious about experiment with other people but he was scared of telling me because he didnt want to see me sad/angry/bothered and he told me: You are my priority but I'd like to experiment. I decided that for me it was Ok because this way I could experiment (even though I dont want to and I dont really have the time for that), or so I thought...
Just 4 days after, he went to a techno party with friends. I love that he is making new friends even if it's in these environments because he loves these kind of parties now but well. He told me that he made out with a girl, which was ok because it was random, the girl just wanted to make out with someone and he said: with me if u want to.. But, on the same night, he was dancing with another guy and he felt a good vibe, so they started talking and the other guy asked him if they could kiss and well, they made out. This is what he told me yesterday night, and I felt weird idk if it was bad or good, just so so surprised that he did it this soon... And well, after that he started kissing me, i didnt know what to say or how to normalize the conversation after what he had just told me, so I just went on with the kissing and making out but I just felt so out of place and uncomfortable, his mouth tasted like cigarettes and that combined with the strange feeling that I was carrying, I just couldnt get hard at all even if he was giving me a blowjob... I just felt so strange like goddamn....
We stopped, then had dinner and everything was back to normal, it was OK! And it's almost as if I had forgotten about what he had told me. We had sex this morning and well, it worked out perfectly but I felt as if I didnt really enjoy the sex that much (he came really fast and after that, instead of thinking of him while cumming, I started thinking about other sexual situations with other people...)
Almost feels like I'm lying to myself just to keep on going with this relationship. I love him so much, I still think he's adorable and so cute and handsome, but there are also so many things that I dont like anymore about him now (specially things that are not related to his personality, but more about his lifestyle. Feeling like I'm always with someone who smokes weed 24/7 and also cigarettes, that has no interests in his future and just in enjoying the moment... Am I being too selfish for asking for more from him? Do I really need more from him? I dont want him to change for me, but he has changed in many senses so much lately that I dont even feel like I'm dating the same person that I once did... idk there are so many questions on my head that I dont know how to answer so I'm just vibing with it and enjoying the present moment, working hard on myself and my studies to become a professional soon!
