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Anal Sex And Long Term Relationships?

Discussion in 'Ask a Gay Man' started by Mordecai_, Oct 7, 2021.

  1. Mordecai_

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    This site may not be the best place to ask this question, but for those of you who are in committed relationships of 10 years+, how often does ass-fucking make it into your mix of sexual activities with your partner? I'm an ass man for sure and always want it, but I've been in a committed relationship with my partner for years and we find ourselves resorting to jacking now more often than not. Thoughts, fellas?
     
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  2. LPSG Simon

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    This is a great place to ask.

    Are you guys only JO-ing because it's too much a production to do anal, or are you maybe missing a bit of spark after all this time?

    Thoughts on opening up?
     
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  3. Mordecai_

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    He claims it's because it's too much of a production. We've gone from getting anal sex in several times a week to maybe once or twice a month. Mostly JO for us these days. He says the guys he knows in LTRs mostly JO.
     
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  4. cantaloupe

    cantaloupe Expert Member

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    3 years +, never have anal sex. Tried, never got very far. I don't need it. Blowjobs, mutual masturbation, frotting, fleshlights, playing with cum, kissing, I like to take cum anywhere on my body, dirty talking. Also just the physical connection is outstanding, very turned on by his looks, smell and everything about us.. Previous bf had some fetishes like rubber and leather, we were together 5+ years, also only tried anal but it didn't work for us.

    I think there are more people like me but most don't talk about it. :)
     
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  5. Mordecai_

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    Thanks, Cantaloupe. Maybe anal is not as essential in longterm relationships. I should start a poll.
     
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  6. cantaloupe

    cantaloupe Expert Member

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    I think it can be a big issue if anal has been your main preference and if you have little in common regarding sexual interests with a partner. Shifting that may be impossible.
     
  7. tito21

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    Anal sex is the devil! Opening up your gaping hole and allowing someone to stick his cock inside you is asking for demonic possession. And I don’t want my life story to be a screenplay for Conjuring 4, which may or may not end up winning an Oscar for best picture.
     
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  8. winesthel945

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    Having your needs satisfied is essential in the longevity of a relationship. This is why some people make arrangements in order to get their needs met outside of a relationship if their partner is unable or unwilling to help them satisfy those needs.

    I'm not clear from your post as to whether you're the bottom, top, or if you're both vers. But as a versatile person in a LTR with a 100% top, I do know that it can become tiresome if every sexual encounter involves me getting pounded. As such, anal only factors in maybe 1 out of every 6 time we have sex. That lets me enjoy it once in a while, but not if I'm not feeling it... and not making it a requirement of every instance of sexy time.
     
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  9. Mordecai_

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    I appreciate the perspective, wines. I'm a top who is versatile in our LTR and my partner is more a versatile bottom.
     
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  10. Mordecai_

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    Really?
     
  11. LPSG Simon

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    Esther Perel writes some really good stuff on these subjects. Im still getting around to reading "Mating in Captivity", but it sounds like it might be a good read on this topic, or would bring insight to it. :)
     
  12. 51arledge

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    Yeah, I've been quoting Esther Perel a good bit here on LPSG. She makes the point that we are now such a fractured culture (i.e. no extended families, no sense of shared communities in proximity ---no "village"), and that leaves us asking our partners in LTRs for everything. Sexually, financially, spiritually, career support, etc. All of these pent up needs can stress the most intimate aspects of the relationship.

    In my case (33 years with my husband), all sex ended 20+ years ago for medical reasons when several things went wrong with his health. He can't do anything intimate with me out of fear for how wrong it could go with his condition.
    Despite that, we still feel like soul mates!

    The other person I have been quoting a lot is Dan Savage, who talks about the "price of admission " in a relationship: If there are constraints coming from one side of the relationship, the other partner has every right to say, "OK, if you want to be with me, then X."
    For us, it came down to: If I am going to manage all the household stuff, and help with your everyday medical needs, I get 1 or 2 days a week to do as I please, with whomever I choose.
     
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  13. ATC2599

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    Hey, if these demons look as hot as some of the men I know, I’m willing to be possessed by them haha
     
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  14. cnkckfil

    cnkckfil Sexy Member

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    To begin with sorry for the decline in anal sex. I have been with my guy for 7 years now and our sex life has drastically changed as well. In the begin we fucked like crazy animals everyday day. As time past everyday anal sex wasn't a viable option everyday with competing work schedules and everyday life. Still we managed to have anal sex about 4 times a week and the other times, blow jobs, hand jobs, 69 with cumswapping what ever we was best in the moment other than anal. Fast forward to 7 years later and we normal jerk each other off, blow jobs for a variety which are primarily health related.

    I am the top and sometimes I still want anal sex but I know that my guy can't do that again because of health reasons... At least for now but it had been this way for almost 2 years now. When that urge strikes I grab my Fleshlight or other toys that are anus like and go to town.

    As men we might someday lose our some of our sexual abilities that's why I think it's important to find other ways to be intimate. I love kissing, cuddling, holding hands, stroking his hair, holding his face and get allot of gratification from the intimacy provided by those things.

    Ultimately, if you can't satisfy your need to fuck you won't be happy. Ask you partner about you getting some toys like I did and include him when you play with them. If that doesn't work you should consider having a conversation about your sexual needs and possibility opening the relationship for just that purpose. If he can't satisfy your need to penetrate for medical reasons I get it, however, I can't agree otherwise as I think that is just selfish and unfair to you.

    Best of luck

    Hugs, tugs and rubs
     
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  15. bobbleworc

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    I'm not sure that this is a 'gay' issue per se because if you read the ask a straight guy thread and healthy penis threads etc, this seems very common for both gay, straight and alternative lifestyles - long term relationships do change you over time, change what you want and need and look for and they take constant work.

    I think there are multiple reasons for a decline in sexual activity, everything from complacency, boredom to work/life commitments, illness etc

    I've been in long terms and the sex did become less frequent over time, never completely disappeared and we did find other ways to make love together and be intimate, or we just had to plan our date nights a bit more.

    ultimately you need to talk with your partner openly, honestly, with no judgment and also be willing to listen, compromise and be pragmatic about these things and try to resolve them together especially if your needs have moved apart - understanding the why is a good place to start?

    good luck
     
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  16. Wine0

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    I’ve been in a relationship for 27 years and I haven’t had sex with my partner for about 15. I’m not looking for tiny violins, as I feel we are strong together and the domestic arrangements are very nice, and we live in a lovely house that neither of us could afford alone.

    I got fat and didn’t feel attractive, but now I’ve lost some of my weight and I feel sexy again, but in that time he has put on loads of weight and I’m thinking he feels the same. We did try a drunken session about a year ago, but I didn’t prepare for it and things didn’t go well.

    I used to be exclusively top, but I’m vers these days. I do miss the intimacy that comes from sex in a relationship, but I think that the lust evaporates eventually.

    Hope you guys can work something out, Best, Wine0
     
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  17. chrisrobin

    chrisrobin Worshipped Member

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    Biggest problem is being set of top and bottom roles. Yes for the first couple of years we fucked like jack rabbits, frotted sucked and wanked - all in a variety of places and different locations. Yes the anal sex got less as we discovered the joys of making spunk together in different ways and in different positions with no one person leading, no dominant top. It worked and we enjoyed orgasms when on holiday daily if not more frequently, time was ours. Back home when work an d other things were important a hug and a grope and a kiss before dropping off to sleep, earl;y morning blow jobs or wanks all carried us forwards for over 10 years.
    There is no reason for not having sex, its just making it more of a variety and because you want to have sex and not because its the thing to do. More versatility add spice to life.
     
  18. kdubb

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    Reading some of your personal stories on this thread breaks my heart and I genuinely feel for you. In comparison, I guess my lover and I are truly blessed. We've lived together for over 20 years now and from the beginning of our relationship we made the commitment to get the other person off at least once a day and at first that meant pretty much exclusively penetrative anal fucking as we seeded each other (we're both versatile). We also agreed not to ignore or turn down the other's sexual advances but to embrace the sexual needs of the other in order to strengthen our bond that brings us closer together. If one person comes on to the other in a sexual manner, we go with it and don't treat it as a chore or obligation to the other. As the years have passed, we continue to get the other off in a variety of ways every day - whether it's mutual blow jobs, jerk offs, or full on anal sex breading each other with our seed. Anyone in a LTR knows that intimacy doesn't always mean sex because as you grow together you also find tons of other activities that are very intimate. But, but in our case, in addition to other intimate activities, the sexual needs and advancements of the other are always satisfied. We don't just go through the motions, but genuinely and actively have the desire to fulfill the other's sexual needs. My body belongs to him and vice versa, and since we are sexual beings, that means our bodies can and will be used for sexual gratification regularly. Since we're both nudists, our bodies are visible and available to each other anytime and anywhere in the house. It's not uncommon for one or both of us to jack off in the presence of the other while in the middle of a conversation or whatever. Most times, that self gratification will lead to mutual sexual activities with the obvious goal both of us cumming either in or on each other (we've never used a condom). Thankfully, our sex drive hasn't really slowed down, but has certainly changed over the years. Our love for each other has naturally deepened but raw anal sex has always been a big part of our closeness.
     
  19. cedarizzo

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    I've been with my partner for almost 12 years. As most people, the sex life at the beginning was non-stop. He was a top, and I was happy to bottom. He would fuck me at least once each time we were together. During the 3rd year of the relationship, he moved into my place. Sex was still good, but during the next 3 years that he lived with me, the sex (and our relationship) began to crumble apart.

    At the end of the 3 years of us living together, we were no longer friends, our sex life was non-existent and the hostility between us was horrible. He moved into his own place and we took some time apart. But within 6 months, we were back to being good friends and him fucking me all the time.

    Here we are, almost 6 years after that and we still live apart. I did live at his place during the quarantine and after 3 months of being together all the time, we were fighting again. I saw the pattern repeating, so I took a step back and moved back into my place. The things that have changed between us is we both have health issues, he is more of a bottom now and ED has caught up to me and I have a hard time getting hard. Since we live apart, we have always had the open rule that we were allowed to play with others. I know he has seen a top a few times. And I have had a few tops over to see me. We both love each other, and are happy with our living arrangements. Sometimes change is good.
     
  20. tito21

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    Why not got for long walks and do exercise together? So that you guys can get back in shape together.
     
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  21. Mordecai_

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    I appreciate all the sharing, guys. It really does help put things in perspective. My partner craves more spontaneity, which is really hard to manage given all of the work and life constraints we're balancing these days. In the early years -- it was like several of you described -- nothing got in the way of a hot anal session. Now, it seems like the conditions have to be just right -- like lightning striking -- which means that 9 times out of 10 we just end up jacking. We managed to get a session in yesterday for the first time in a few weeks but he felt like it was more of an obligation, since I had been making such a big deal about it. We had a good talk about it today and reaffirmed our mutual commitment to one another. My personal challenge will be adjusting my expectations about how often I get the ass and just enjoy it when we do have those moments. I like the suggestion of introducing more toys into our relationship that can serve as an alternative to ass and take some of the pressure off of his need to deliver it to me. In fact, I just sprung for a Fleshlight Butt Ice today. I'll let you know how it goes!
     
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  22. LPSG Simon

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    Fleshjack is an amazing toy. I recommend them to anyone. Especially the ice model. The visuals are +++. Fun thing with those is that you can pass them back and forth and play sloppy seconds without having to order in another bottom. ;)

    Take the insert out of the hard case, and you can even use it to for DP action.

    On the conditions being right - If it wouldn't seem like too much of the chore that you're talking about, what about setting up a bit of a date night / day, where while anal might not be the full expectation, it could be certainly given a time slot where it could be more likely to happen. There are lots of life things that happen for everyone that need balancing, but dont forget to include your partner in that list of stakeholders on each others' time! :)
     
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  23. Mordecai_

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    I got the Universal Launch attachment for my Fleshlight Ice for some hands-free fun. Can't wait to try it out!
     
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  24. Sfmusic

    Sfmusic Sexy Member

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    My husband and I have been together for 19 years now and our sex life has always included anal sex with the exception of a few hand jobs and blow jobs where that seemed to scratch the horny itch . The thing that has changed dramatically is the frequency of having sex. It started out several times a day everyday, then after a few months it slowed down to once a day, then every other day. After about 7-8 years it slowed down to once a week (usually Saturday or Sunday) where it remains to this day.
     
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  25. Brodie888

    Brodie888 Superior Member

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    Reading through the comments, it seems like it's the bottoms in the relationships who are no longer interested?

    I can get where they are coming from. As someone who has only ever bottomed, preparing for anal can be like being preparing for a dinner party whenever your partner wants one!

    I love taking cock in my ass so I can't see that ever changing but perhaps there are many bottoms who only did it because they felt obligated to keep their man? But now that uncertain phase is past in their relationship, there is no longer the need to wheel out the welcome wagon?

    For me, taking his semen in my hole is an affirmation of my love for him. It's like a promise or a vow. I can't ever see myself giving it up.
     
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  26. Andy499

    Andy499 Cherished Member

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    I agree. When I first ventured into gay sex with a partner when I was 18, partners tried to convince me anal sex was compulsory that you were not a "real man" or a "real gay" without either giving or taking - most of them wanted to take :), but to me it is, like the OPs partner said, such a production number, it is more trouble than it is worth, there is so much more you can do with the male body than stick your cock up his arse, or his up yours. Even now twenty years on,I tend to switch of mentally when I see a porn with fucking it in it - especially that sightly comical scene (to me) - now almost obligatory where one of the pair "rides" the other, in between grunts saying "yeah -fuck me" over and over agan. They must have been up all night learning their lines.
     
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