Andre's story of sexual self discovery

[Jason-R]

Intro from the author​

This story will unfold in several parts. It's inspired by true events shared with me by a friend of mine, though I’ve changed all names and locations. Over the years, we exchanged stories both in conversation and in writing, which sparked my imagination. The parts prior to when we met were part of getting to know each other and our past. I often hoped he would share more details; occasionally he did, but most of the time, he he did not. I understand that my friend Andre is not a writer, nor does he like to write long stories. He is a numbers guy and tends to be very brief in his writing. That's why I enjoyed our numerous conversations because I would always get a better story verbally.

I often envisioned the scenes in my mind, letting my imagination run wild to fill in the gaps. I’ve read many stories online, and those that explore a guy’s journey in understanding his sexuality and boundaries have always captivated me. That inspired me to weave together the messages and conversations from my friend and craft his sexual story, aiming to do it justice, especially where there were plenty of blanks to fill.

I have a vivid imagination that I draw on frequently. Sometimes I pull from my own experiences, while other times I incorporate scenes I’ve seen in adult content to make everything feel more real. In many cases, I let my imagination take over, inventing dialogues or actions I would have liked to experience if I were in his shoes. In this story, I go by Jason. My own journey of discovery shares many similarities with his, but there are also significant differences that set us apart. I might be writing my own story later.

For my friend and me, condoms were standard when we first became sexually active. Most of the porn we watched also featured condoms, but I have to admit that I found the older, condom-free scenes more intriguing than what was popular at the time. As adult content shifted toward more bare sex, it became an even bigger turn-on for me. The journey of a man embracing his attraction to other men, exploring those desires and gradually discovering what he enjoys, really captivates me. The process of becoming more open sexually is a powerful draw. Today, we live very far apart so you will see our encounters together stop at one point. We are still in touch today, exchanging stories over email.

It's worth noting that I didn't write this in chronological order. Initially, I focused on the stories that inspired me or resonated with me the most. As I read through it now, I can see my writing style evolving and changing slightly. I hope readers will understand that I'm not a professional writer, that English is my second language and I do this in my spare time for entertainment.

This story will show a man discovering himself, what he likes and slowly giving-in to his desires.

I hope you enjoy.

 

[Jason-R]

Chapter 1 - The Earlier days​

I was born and raised in a small town in Croatia. My parents had 2 kids, a boy, and a girl but she passed away from a freak illness at a very young age. My parents were devastated with their loss. They decided to have another child, not to replace her, but to help them and my brother cope with the void.

I was born a year later. They had my brother and they loved him very much, of course, but I was meant to bring joy back to their lives. It’s like I came to world with a mission and could not disappoint; that was somehow engraved in my DNA. I don’t know how to explain but, even at a very young age, I always felt I had to be the good boy.

At age 7, I remember feeling different than the other boys. I liked to play with them and do boys stuff, but also liked to play with the girls. That lead to a lot of confusion for me. I didn’t understand why I was different, and I couldn’t talk to anyone. These feelings had to live with me, deep in my soul.

During my childhood and my teenage years, I was always closer to my parents than my brother was. Not that he was a bad boy, but he often got in trouble, skipping classes, getting low grades, sneaking out to parties, getting home drunk. He was in his teenage years and being a bit of a rebel.

In contrast, I was the good boy, getting good grades, being very focused on school, never did drugs and never missed a class.

I was the son/grandson that everyone wished they had. The downside of that was the bullying by the tough/popular boys who today, are probably past their prime. Even some adult neighbours laughed at me sometimes because they felt I was a mama’s boy. I heard the word “fag” being said so many times. That made me more determined to be what they all thought I should be.

All my youth was spent trying to correct what I didn’t really understand was wrong. I had guy friend, and we were fairly close. We were at the age where you start to be sexually aware. One time when we were playing at his house, and he kissed me. I didn’t totally process what was going on, but I kissed him back and it felt like the most natural thing in the world. I remember that feeling vividly to this day. Our future encounters led to jerking off together and occasionally, touching each others’ cocks.

I was the one initiating it. We were alone at his place and jerking off, side by side, with our pants down to our ankles. While looking at each other’s cock and jerking, my hand brushed against his thigh, but I kept it there. He didn’t stop me when I started to move it up towards his cock. In fact, it looked like it made him harder. I kept moving towards his cock and he removed his hand. I will never forget the feeling of touching a cock, other than mine, for the very first time. He was hard and he moaned when I wrapped my hand around it. He had a little more length than me but a little less girth, but he was rock hard compared to me. It only lasted a few minutes. He placed his hand back on his cock and I pulled mine away.

It took him a while to touch my cock. As always, we were jerking together when I felt him reach for my cock. I was shaking with the feeling of his hand rubbing along my cock. He did not wrap his hand around it, he just touched while he continued to jerk off. The touching didn’t happen often, but I really enjoyed it when it did. At least while it was happening; The guilty feeling just increased after.

I felt happy being with him but deep inside, I thought we shouldn’t be doing what we were doing. I knew he was struggling as much as I was. Neither of us were ready for admitting to ourselves that we were attracted to guys. Maybe he was just a curious straight guy, and it meant nothing, but I was terrified of what it meant for me.

Time passed and we end up growing apart after I went to high school out of town. At the time, I thought it was for the best. A new school with a new crowd meant that I could have a fresh start. However, I felt even more that I had to prove to everyone, including myself, that I was not gay.

As hard as I tried, nothing could stop my interest in guys. I would get very excited when there was male nudity in movies. At the beach, I always looked at the guys’ bulges in their speedos which are a norm in Europe. I would spend a lot of time at beach to watch the surfers in their tight body suits. Sometimes, in the afternoon, they get naked on the beach when they changed back into their clothes. At school, I got a thrill out of seeing the guys naked in the looker room. Those were the images in my mind when I jerked off.

During my high school years, I started spending my summer with my grandmother at her beach house. My grandfather had passed away and I would spend my high-school summer breaks with her. I loved it there, my grandma was a very special person and very open minded. She lived a very beautiful life, traveled the world with my grandfather so it was always fun to hear her stories.

Like in any small beach town, there were a lot of seasonal residents and visitors. I made a lot of summer friends. We only met in the summer each year, but always had so much fun together.

In the summer I turned 16, a lot of things happened. Things that changed my life and maybe led me to where I am today. We formed a beach team club, we fished, swam, played sports at the beach etc.

One day, a woman spending vacation in town asked me to help her daughter learn how to swim. She was in her mid thirties, very pretty, married with two kids. Of course, I accepted the job. Her husband was only there on the weekends, and she confided in me that she felt lonely. I used to drop off her daughter after swimming, and one day, she asked me to come in and have a snack with her and the kids. I said yes. The kids were playing outside, and she started having very mature conversation with me.

Right there I saw she wanted more than a conversation, but I was very nervous. I will never forget that day. As she was talking about sex, I became aroused, and she noticed. She kissed me on the lips and touched my cock over my shorts. She asked, “Can I touch you?”, and I said “Yes.”. It felt good to feel the touch of another person.

She took me to her bedroom, and we had sex. She said she was on the pill and there was no chance of her getting pregnant, so we didn’t use condoms. It was the first time I heard the phrases: “Cum in me! I want your load! Fill me with your cum!”, and of course I did. Little did I know that later in life, I would be using those exact words too but, I’m getting ahead of myself. In those days, I was trying so hard to be the straight guy, there was no way I could imagine me my future encounters with guys.

Most people would frown at a young guy having sex with a woman more than twice his age but, for me, at the time, it was the best thing that had ever happened. She did not sexually abuse me. I did it willingly and it was much better than masturbation. I was also in the moment with her, and I felt all I would ever want was what had happened right there. I was cured and told myself, I am not gay! I am cured; the actual word “cured” came to my mind, as if I had a disease. The fact that I mostly thought about guys while we were having sex did not seem like a problem to me. “That’s how it’s done.”, I thought to myself. I was so relieved.

After that first time, we had sex every day, except on the weekends, as her husband was around. She left 3 weeks later, and I was really upset. As thrilling as that had been for me, I had to keep it a secret. I didn’t want to get her in any trouble. She had done so much for me, and I was so grateful to her. No one found out, not even my closest friends. It was something else I had to keep to myself and process in silence.

 

[Jason-R]

Chapter 2 Part 1 - First Love​

That same week, one of my friends’ cousins came to town on vacation. When I met him, my heart skipped a beat. He was tall with chiselled facial features, Dark curly hair a smile that would melt any heart. For some reason, I felt he was different than the other boys too. The thought that he might have the same secret as me, crossed my mind but since I had just been straight sexually, I thought I would only ever be with women. I was not allowing my mind to internalize my attraction to him.

We became quick friends; it was like meeting a soulmate. There was nothing wrong with two guys being good friends in anybody’s eyes. He always made a lot of effort so that we would be alone together. If we went to a party, neither of us would make much effort to meet girls. We would usually leave those parties together and hang-out for a while after. He always wanted to go swim with me alone and not join our other friends. If there were not many people around, we would pull down our swimsuits in the water and swim naked, I found that very exciting. The more time I spent with him, the more I wanted to.

I accidentally touched his cock through his bathing suit, as we played in the water one time, and it made my own cock react. I was hoping he wouldn’t notice but I’m pretty sure he did. He would take me fishing and we stay late on the beach in our speedos which were obviously bulging. The sexual tension was incredible. More than my young mind could really process at the time.

One day, while on the beach and as the sun started to set, he made the first move. Something I would have never had the courage to do. We were talking while lying on our towels, facing each other. I was in mid sentence when he leaned in and our mouths met. I had been kissed by the guy I was jerking-off with when I was younger but that was just a quick peck in the lips with the mouth closed. This was a real kiss. He parted his lips as our mouths met. I did the same and our tongues touched and swirled around together. It took just one kiss to undo all the efforts I had made with the woman I was having sex with prior. I realized; I like guys much better. I had kissed girls before and I certainly kissed the woman I had sex with earlier that summer, and it was OK but, kissing him was totally different. It sent a surge of electricity through my whole body, including my cock. I had never been that turned on in my life. I liked him so much and, him kissing me, confirmed that he liked me too. In that moment, if he had asked me to spend the rest of my life with him, I would have said yes and never looked back.

We spent the rest of the summer together, having fun secretly. He had a small boat, and we spent a lot of time on it, finding secluded spots to kiss, we used to go to small caves to be alone, and eventually, all that sexual tension led us to making love. He is the one who took my virginity with men, specifically my anal virginity. He was a couple of years older and obviously had more experience than I did. I was still a bit naïve about sex, especially with what was about to take place.

It was a nice summer evening and we had spent a lot of time together on the sand, sneaking kisses when no one was looking. He took off his swimsuit on the blanket we were sharing and walked to the water completely naked. There were not a lot of people on the beach, but we were not alone either. I watched his beautiful back and ass as he walked away. That image is still burned in my mind; I had never seen anything as beautiful. I didn’t realize at the time, but I was falling madly in love.

I worked-up the courage to join him. I did not have the same confidence he did, and I felt my body was not as nice as his. Still, I removed my swimsuit and walked towards the water where he was already swimming. It was liberating to feel that confident, having a guy you care about watch you walk towards him while other people can see you also. Back then, I felt insecure about my body. Today, when I see pictures of myself in a speedo, as a teenager, I feel I looked very good. I was already developing in the leg, thigh, and butt area. My upper body was leaner than it is now and there were signs that I would have fairly hairy legs and a moderately hairy chest. My cock is not small so you could see the bulge it was creating. Of course, I didn’t realize any of that at the time.

As I joined him, my cock was definitely reacting. We played in the water, and I enjoyed each time my hand would brush against his cock, only this time I was doing it on purpose. When we got out of the water, I couldn’t get a good look at his cock as we were walking side-by-side. When we got to our towels, we put on our swimsuits back on and the bulges were obvious. We spent a few hours on the beach, lying side-by-side, touching slightly. My heart was racing. I had never felt anything like that for anyone. I could have stayed in that moment forever, but little did I know, the events that were coming-up that day would change my life forever.

 

[Jason-R]

Chapter 2 Part 2 - Losing my virginity​

Later in the evening, we were alone at the house his family was renting. We were hanging out, kissing, and rolling in his bed. He got up and took off all his clothes. Now, I could get a good look as he stood right in front of me. His cock was beautiful. I would guess 7”, uncut and with a nice downward curve. He reached for my t shirt and lifted if over my head. When he started pulling on my shorts, I lifted my ass to help him. My cock sprang out of my shorts; there was no denying my desire for him.

He got on top of me on the bed and for the first time, pressed together naked as we kissed. Our cocks were fully hard and touching. It might seem strange, but I had not thought of how our sex would play out between 2 guys but at some point, we were in each other's arms, he was on top of me, and he started to lift one of my legs as we rolled around and at one point with his cock was touching my hole. I realized what he wanted but felt a bit of panic. We kept kissing and he kept pushing forward. He must have been pre-cumming because I could slowly feel his cock making its way inside.

“I want to fuck you!”, he asked. I reminded him that I was very inexperienced, I said “I’m not sure. I’ve never done that before”. He assured me that it would be ok, and that he would be very gentle. “I really want to be inside you! I’ve been wanting your sexy ass since the day I met you.”, he said. Those words aroused me so much, “Inside you”, I thought. It might be strange, but in my fantasies about guys, I was never envisionning me getting fucked but in that moment, I wanted nothing else but having him inside me. I wanted to please him even though I knew it would hurt so I said, “OK.”.

He went to the bathroom and I watched him walk away and thought to myself, “You are so hot.”, and was so happy I was going to be losing my virginity to him. He returned with a small jar of Vaseline. He took some and put it on his cock Which was still hard and looking beautiful. Then as we kissed, he rubbed some Vaseline on my hole. I loved the feeling and was moaning in pleasure. He then started to insert a finger in my ass. It felt uncomfortable at first, but we kept kissing, and I could feel myself relax a bit. I was mentally bracing myself for a painful experience, but I really wanted to please him. He caressed a spot inside me with his finger and it sent a jolt of pleasure through my whole body. I would later learn that the prostate is the male G spot and later in life, mine would give me a lot of pleasure but I was just discovering it then.

He gently grabbed my legs, lifted them against my chest and began rubbing his cock on my ass. I could feel the head of his cock against my hole. After a few up and down slides, he slowly began pushing in. It didn't go in the first time, and it took him several more tries to make any progress. “Arrrghhh!”, I grunted as the head popped in. Sensing my discomfort, he stopped moving to let me adjust. I looked him in the eye. He was all I ever wanted. I nodded and he pushed a little further in, but still not quite all the way. He was being very gentle, and he continually asked if I was OK. It hurt but I kept nodding every time he asked. At that point, it felt like fucking would only be pleasurable for the top, but I liked him so much I wanted to give him that pleasure. I had completely lost my erection but, I wanted him to enjoy himself.

Slowly but surely, he proceeded, when suddenly his cock slid all the way in. I felt his balls on my ass. We were both taken by surprise at the suddenness of it, and he gave a deep moan as it slid in. He then went in and out of me with a slow, steady pace for a while. I was actually being fucked and my virginity had officially been taken. It hurt quite a bit, but I was expecting that. I was trying hard not to let him know because even with the pain, I didn’t want him to stop. With his cock in my ass, it was like he and I were one.

I always thought that in order for two guys to fuck, it would have to be doggie position but there we were, kissing while fucking in missionary position, just like men and women do. I had also thought anal sex would be painful for the bottom, but I was starting to see I was wrong. It was a bit surprised when I noticed the feeling inside my ass slowly changing. The initial pain was fading and being replaced by other sensations I had never felt before. It was becoming the most intense, natural feeling in the world. My ass was now controlling my entire body and mind. “Holy shit!”, I thought, “This is incredible”. I would later learn that a man’s g-spot is in his ass and the pleasure from it is the best feeling in the world.

How could something I always thought was wrong could feel so incredibly good and right? He looked into my eyes and kissed me several times as he fucked me. He made me moan and kept telling me how good my ass felt and how much he enjoyed being inside me. I knew I was not his first. He obviously had some experience to be that good and to have that much control, but I didn’t care. A guy I had strong feelings for was inside me and it felt incredible. I also knew I should have asked for a condom but realistically, I don’t think he had any and there was no way I would have refused him. I thought, “I’m just going to ask him not to cum in me.”.

Using my experience with a woman, I had him pull out, turned around and let him fuck me on all 4. That position made me feel a little slutty for some reason, but I enjoyed the feeling very much. If he liked the way my ass looked, he was going to have a good view of it as he fucked. I knew from checking myself out in the mirror that my ass was developing very nicely and even with the lack of confidence with my body, I knew it was my best feature. Again, I thought it was weird that the positions are exactly the same with two guys as they are with heterosexuals. “Man, you have a nice ass!”, he complimented me as he pushed his cock back in my hole and resumed fucking me.

There were mirrored closet doors in the room, and I could see him hold me by my hips as he was fucking me. There I was, on my hands and knees being fucked from behind by a very handsome guy. I noticed the pleasure in his eyes as he made love to me. I enjoyed watching some of the faces he made and watching him looking down at his cock going in and out of my ass.

I could also see my own cock, which was almost fully hard again swinging with each of his thrusts. My cock is a little bigger than the one that was in me; I am approximately 7.5 with a decent girth. I did not touch myself, I never even thought about it. Plus, I liked seeing him enjoy me.

He was saying things like “You have such a sexy ass, I love being inside you. You feel so good, Take my cock”. All of which made me feel sexy and drove me crazy. I kept moaning with each thrust, letting him know how good he felt. I heard myself say, “Fuck me!”, a few times and he would say “Yeah!” and fuck harder. Our bodies were slapping together as he was going full length with each thrust.

I got fucked for a very long time, or it seemed like a long time to me. I was very inexperienced and I could feel some discomfort returning the more he fucked. I was going to tell him but then it became more intense and I knew his orgasm was near. I still did not touch myself. Then, he told me, “I’m getting close. Are you ready?”, and I was. I thought I would ask him to pull-out earlier but in that moment, I repeated words that were said to me by a woman, not a long time prior: “Yeah! Cum in me! I want your load!”. He began fucking me faster, “I’m cumming!”, he announced as his entire body stiffened. He let out a loud, “Aaaarrrgggghhh!”, then laid down against my back, wrapping me in an embrace and came inside me. I could feel his cock spasms as came in my ass. I could actually feel his warm sperm inside as he kept pumping, and the feeling was incredible.

It was wonderful to feel his full weight on me as his cock pulsed a couple of more times after the initial blasts. The last of his load emptied into me as I lay there impaled on his cock. It was the most intimate of acts, even more intimate than sucking his cock, it felt strange, but I felt safe with him and now I was flooded with a feeling of satisfaction.

It is hard to express how erotic it was to feel him cum, but it was unlike anything I had ever done. I knew in that moment I was never going to be the same. He had completely taken my ass virginity and I knew that whatever happened, we would always be somewhat connected. I had taken my very first breeding.

He stayed in me for a few minutes while his cock softened, kissing my back and neck and then pulled out. I felt sorry he was no longer in me. He made me flip on my back then, sucked me to orgasm, which did not take long. He swallowed all of my cum and I thought to myself, “I have to try that someday”.

I don’t know how to explain how I felt; I had recently been with a woman who made feel so good, made me feel like a man, and now, a guy who made me feel equally good, not any less of a man. Even though I was the one getting fucked and bred. My hole hurt for a few days after but it was all worth it.

The physical attraction with him, however, was a lot stronger. How could being with a guy be that much better? With the woman, it was good in the same way I felt while masturbating; The feeling is good and It gets you off but, with him, it was on a whole new level. That’s when I realized the main differences, I had a preference for guys, and I was falling in love with him. The thought scared me a little.

You must remember that at that time, all this was in secret from the friends and families. I could not share that with anyone and on top of it, we had unprotected sex and I let him cum in me. It was not something that was very wise at the time. We kept hanging out together and went swimming a few more times but never had the chance to be alone again in a place where we could have sex. Still, I enjoyed every minute we spent together even though it looked like the sex we had was only a one-time thing.

Then, his vacation ended but he lived in the next town from my parents’ place, so we continued to meet secretly for almost a year. My parents were happy I had a guy friend. I think they were concerned that I had so many friends that were girls. Little did they know what was actually going on nor would they ever understand.

We did not have the ability to be together often and had privacy even less often. One time, we were alone at his house and took advantage of the situation. As soon as his parents left, he took me to his bedroom, and we got undressed very quickly. It felt so good to be in his arms, naked and kissing. I started stroking his cock, which was getting hard. He was moaning and I decided to try sucking for the first time. I got on my knees in front of him and he said, “Yeah!”, knowing what was coming.

I took his cock in my mouth. He growled in pleasure and his cock quickly grew hard as I sucked. I was wondering if I was doing it right because it was my first time. He told me he could not believe I didn’t have a lot of experience. That made me feel really good.

He picked-up the pace, sliding in and out of my mouth while his balls filled my hand, and I enjoyed every part of the experience, aware that this whole thing was probably not going to be very long lasting, at least not this first go-round. He quickly got out of control with his building lust, and his hips bucked back and forth as he rammed his cock in me. I ran my hand along his thigh, and then up and over his stomach as I worked his cock with mouth and tongue.

I knew I was doing it right by the sounds he was making. My own eagerness to taste his sperm as he had done to me was building. After what couldn't have been more than five minutes of sucking, he hit the wall. He gasped and grunted loudly as his hands held my head, he came, a powerful burst of warm and cum spurted into my mouth, followed by a couple more spurts. I took it all in and savoured the taste. There was some sweetness and creaminess, and I swallowed it down. I was happy to take whatever he had to offer. I was madly in love. I had been jerking myself while doing this, so I shot my load on the floor. Then, I eased his cock from my mouth and licked it clean.

Then, we crawled in bed and cuddled on top of the covers naked. I felt like I was in heaven in his arms. We fell asleep and were awakened by the sound of his parents arriving. “Shit! My parents!”, he said as he jumped out of bed and started to get dressed. I did the same and we barely had enough time to get dressed before his father appeared in the doorway to ask how our evening had been. That was close but it meant that sex was not a one-time thing. The thought of continuing to have sex with him made me feel very happy but he seemed to be a little freaked out that we almost got caught. “This can’t happen again.”, he said as I left. I understood we should be more careful and not get caught.

I looked at the time and realized it was time to go. It was a long bike ride home and I rode with a big smile on my face. I had tasted cum for the first time and knew I would want more. When I called him to get together a few days later, he made a lame excuse not to and for a few weeks, I didn’t hear from him. I realized what he said as I left the last time meant “We shouldn’t have sex again.”, and I it made me very sad. Deep down, I felt it was wrong for two guys to be together and I had not accepted my attraction for guys. I ran into him in town one afternoon and he was with a girl. He nodded at me but other than that, he barely acknowledged my presence. He did seem to make a point to let me know they were dating and I was so upset, I had to rush home and lock myself up in my room with tears in my eyes.

To my surprise, he called me a few days later. “Sorry about the other day.”, he said, and I answered, “It’s OK. I understand.”, not wanting to push him away. We made plans to get together and when we were alone, things were amazing but if there were people around, he avoided me. I saw him a few times with that girl but he never introduced us.

One day, he contacted me to go to the beach. I was very excited to hang out with him where we first started to show attraction to one another. While we were there, he pointed out guys walking towards the end of the beach and over the sand dunes. “Look at those pervs!”, he said and I asked what he meant. “They go and have sex back there.”, he added. I looked and saw a man in his forties disappearing behind the tall grasses on the dune. “Really?”, I asked, not being able to imagine the man I just saw being attracted to other men. “Yeah! It’s disgusting.”, he said in a very condescending tone. I was internally agreeing with him. At that point, I was not able to connect with the thought process of having sex with another man that was a stranger. The thought of it was not a turn on at all and I felt I would never participate in something like that.

We laid down on one blanket with our arms touching and I felt so good being near him. I wanted us to stay late and be able to go swim naked once most people were gone but it didn’t happen. We had only been there for a couple of hours when he announced he had to go. He didn’t ask me if I was ready to leave. He just put on his shorts and t-shirt and said goodbye, leaving me alone on the beach.

We made love multiple times over the following months. Sometimes oral only and other times, we fucked. It was always bare and with me as the bottom. After the first time, I never gave condoms a second thought. I took many of his loads in my mouth and ass. I was the passive one in that relationship. I was always the one doing the sucking or taking him in my ass. Not once did he even suck my cock after the first time. I was OK with that. It is during that time that I developed my preference for being passive, also for bare sex and getting bred even though I would soon be repressing it for years.

I loved giving myself to him completely, feeling I was his with no barriers between us. Being a vessel for his pleasure. At that point, I didn’t know if it would continue or if it would end. I was blindly in love and trying to focus on school as I was getting ready to start university. It was a good excuse to not have a girlfriend, so nobody asked even though my brother had multiple girlfriends by the time he was my age.

Each time we met, I felt him detaching more and more. He would spend more time with his group of friends and the time with me seemed to be only about sex, which was getting quicker and rougher each time.

 

[Jason-R]

Chapter 3 - The heartbreak​

One day, my parents and brother were out so I called him to ask if he wanted to hang-out for the afternoon. He said yes but there was something different with his tone. 45 minutes later, he rang the doorbell and I rushed to open the door. While I was letting him in, I reached to kiss him, but he looked back at the neighborhood, said, “Not here” as he pushed bast me to get in the house.

He walked directly to my bedroom, and I followed him. I thought, “This is direct”. I was happy he wanted sex, but we usually would hang-out and kiss first. He started undressing and told me to do the same. I did and when we were both naked, he took me in his arms, and we kissed. It was the most tender moment of our encounter that day.

He broke the kiss, bent me over the bed and dove into my ass. I gasped as he dug his tongue in, I pushed my ass out to meet his licks. He lapped his tongue up and down my ass and hole; I could hear and feel him slurp. At that point, lust and desire take over and I totally got lost in the moment. I was enjoying it a lot.

After a long rimming, he spread my cheeks apart and spat on his cock, I braced myself for it. I felt the tip as he pushed. I tried to relax my ass muscles so that it wouldn’t hurt. In previous times, he was always concerned about me, giving me time to adjust but not this time. He slid right in, down to his pubes with no lube and I grunted from the pain. He grabbed me by the hips and started pounding not giving me any time to adjust. Luckily, it was not my first time. My ass was now more accustomed to getting fucked but my hole did not relax as quickly as other times.

Some of the pain faded but there was still some discomfort. He reached around and grabbed me by the shoulders as he fucked my ass with all his strength. I just pushed my ass back, trying to open as much as I could and let him in deeper. It felt like his cock reached deeper than other times. He pulled me back into him, one hand on my throat, the other on my cock. I turned my head to the side, hoping for a kiss as he pounded me but instead, he increased his grip on my throat and cut most of my oxygen. I panicked a bit and tried to release myself from his grip, but he was too strong. I felt my cock grow in his hand because of the lack of oxygen which I thought was strange.

“You’re such a fucking whore!”, he said in my ear before releasing his grip on both my throat and cock. I coughed a few times, happy that I could breathe again. This was an authoritarian fuck. Not for my pleasure but entirely for his. He was degrading me and making me feel like a slut who is good for nothing but taking cock. Later in life, I would want that feeling again but, in that moment, I felt like he was punishing me. I almost had tears in my ass, missing the romantic guy who had made love to me multiple times before, but my body was conflicted because I noticed how hard my cock was. When I tried to touch it, he stopped me and pushed my had away.

He got close to coming and bent me over again, this time fucking at full pace, our bodies making loud sounds as they slapped together. I had to brace myself with both hands on the bed not to lose balance. He just slammed into my ass as he held me by the hips. “Take my fucking cum, you slut!”, he said, and I heard him moan as he leaned forward onto my back. I felt his cock squirt about 4 times as I felt my ass being filled with cum. When his orgasm stopped, he pulled out and I clenched my hole, making sure not to leak. I turned around and his lips met mine, his tongue diving into my mouth, he reached around and grabbed my ass cheeks, squeezing them, he dipped a finger into my hole then had me lick it.

We pulled apart and he started getting dressed. I started doing the same and not a word was spoken. He was dressed before me and left my bedroom right away. I finished dressing as quickly as I could and followed him as he made his way to the front door. He turned around and said, “Sorry, I gotta go. See you later”. And just like that, left my house, and sadly, my life.

I somehow knew as he left that day that I would not see him again even though no goodbyes took place. It was as if he was trying to prove something to himself. I was right; he stopped contacting me and never returned my calls, my heart was broken. I later found out that girl was indeed his girlfriend and that they were pretty serious. Our last fuck was just to conME himself that I was nothing but a slut and the only thing there was between us was sex, not love.

At the time, I felt like I was going to die. I was about to start University and decided to take a year off. I suffered and healed my heart in secrecy, deciding that I would not be with guys anymore. I never went back to the beach house, never saw my friends from the beach. Started working and attending university part time not perusing girls and certainly not guys. I decided I was not going to be gay, not even bi. The only thing that seemed to heal my heart was burying my attraction to guys. I had decided to move on and put that part of my life behind me. When a guy would hint that he might be interested in me, it would just make me feel panic and fear.

A year later I re-connected with a couple friends from my younger years, and they introduced to Gloria, the girl who would later become my wife. Just like that, my life changed. She was cool, attractive and we became instant friends. I loved spending time with her, and we had a lot in common. She brought me back to life from the heartache I had experienced. Once again, I told myself I was cured from my homosexual feelings because I was able to have sex with her even though the thoughts of the last fuck with the guy I was in love with kept popping into my mind.

We did have sex often enough at the beginning even though, for me the passion was missing somewhat. The more time passed, the more I could only really perform if I thought about guys. Specifically, thinking about being fucked and bred. I know a lot of people will not understand but, I wanted to erase the hurt a guy caused me and the pressure of being straight led me to propose to her. She accepted and it made me very happy. It certainly made my parents very happy as I think they suspected I might be gay. The good boy delivered once again.

Our life as married couple was nice on every level, but the sex was quickly becoming less and less frequent. I always felt she was not one for sex anyway. She was never the one to initiate sex and we slowly slipped into a sexless marriage. I don’t think she minded at all.

From time to time, I would go to the beach. I kept looking at those guys going behind the dunes and wondered what was actually going on. One day, I worked-up the courage to go and have a look. I tried really hard so that nobody would notice me. I got far enough that I could see guys standing and most of them fully clothed. I could not see what was going on below the waist, but I knew some of them were getting a blow job and others were fucking. A couple of guys were walking around, some had clothes, some speedos and others were naked. One looked at me and I panicked. I quickly turned around, went back to get my stuff and left. That was not the scene for me; I still had some healing to do.

Sex, for me became masturbating to porn whenever I had the chance. At first, I only watched straight porn having decided to repress my desire for men completely. I tried to ignore the guys and focus on the girls and sometimes it worked but most times, I would only cum if I looked at the guys and imagined they were fucking me instead of the women in the scene. Then, I made my way to bisexual porn with 2 guys and 1 girl. My favourite parts were always when the guys would have sex together. Eventually, I would make my way to gay porn and watch that exclusively. In those days most porn was with condoms. There were only a few sites that had bareback sex and I they gave me more thrill than the others.

The sex I had with my teenage friend was in my thoughts more and more as time went by and the hurt diminished. Initially, I would remember vividly the intimate, loving sexual encounters we had but my mind often went to the last time he fucked me. At the time, I felt like a worthless slut, but the memory of his authority gave me the best orgasms. I would jerk off and finger my ass often and shoot my load from the prostate rub but, that never gave me the satisfaction of being fucked.