Anorexia + Bear Discrimination + Possible Poly Breakup? How To Solve Any of This?

[6798491]

I'm 26, 5'2", and 150 to 160 lbs. (About 11.4 stone, for my UK/European viewers).

I always thought I was a twink, because I was anorexic until I was 22.
Long story short, even when I started to gain weight, I still had no idea I was slowly becoming more of a bear than a sickly twink.

I've survived a lot of abusive relationships - and typically (just like my parents, my half-sisters and both sides of my family used to do) me being "dropped on your head when you were a baby" (which was said by my Boomer uncle) and "You are fat! You have to own it!" (Which was said by my aunt - when I was 130 lbs.) were just a fraction of the statements I always heard growing up.
So, anytime I meet someone who struggles with eating disorders, my first instinct is to either to help them escape their situation or to advocate for them (if they're in a toxic situation on top of their condition), because I've been in both situations and I know how it feels to cry out for help and people abandon you when your life is threatened.
I don't believe in leaving people behind - except the people who laughed and called me stupid and crazy when I took accountability for destroying my life.

I only say all that to say - to this day, my family still skinny shames me.
Which is why I asked a friend, yesterday, what he thinks my body type is - "Do you see me as a twink or something else?"
And he said he thought I have a bear body that is sexy.

That put everything into perspective for me.
I was called ugly more times than I can count, and was skinny shamed and a target of homophobia as well.

And I lived to tell the story - but it doesn't change the fact that I'm now a 26 year old bear who still gets rejected because of my being a bear.
I'm around 160 lbs., and it has been difficult to accept that my aunt (who I assumed was fatphobic for saying what she said, when I was 19 and 130 lbs.) was right about what she said.
I look thin in pictures still, but when my clothes come off, I do resemble a bear's body.
It's wild for me to come to terms with, not only because I'm hairy as well (that fact + my chest is a turn off to most men), but because I also am rejected or abused by every man I fall in love with.

On top of all that, I overcame the chaotic life I used to have, and I've been in a relationship for 1 1/2 years.
I went from drinking 7 sodas a day for 20 years, to the opposite - gaining 63 pounds since my initial weight gain in 2019, after healing my eating disorder.

And on top of all that, I got sober from pills on 17 March 2020 - could my sobriety have anything to do with my weight gain also?
(I'm just wondering)

I find that the men who do fall for me (besides my current boyfriend) always demand to me, "You need to gain weight" and "You need to work out if we're going to be together."
And that working out comment was said by my ex-fiancé, when I was still anorexic - and after our breakup, he later told me he struggled with an eating disorder when we were together.
I have no hard feelings toward my exes, but they treated me cruelly when it came to my disorder - and I'm never speaking to them again.

But the new problem I've had (and I've dated nearly 130 people across my entire life) is any new guys I meet, are immediately turned off and they block me.
I am highly sensitive - I used to get emotional about all the times potentially amazing partners blocked me; now, I simply take it in stride.
Desirability should not be the reason someone is a great partner.

By the way, my boyfriend and I are estranged.
He struggles with depression, and ghosts me for several months.
His career is not going so well - he's from Argentina and a college student, and I'm based in the USA.
He's the most respectful, kind, courteous, loyal, generous and caring man I've ever known and dated.
He ghosted me 2 days before I was going to propose to him (on our 1 year anniversary), which left me heartbroken - and I still am.
About 1 month into his 5 month ghosting, I wrote him a lengthy letter (which I should not have written at all), explaining that I was breaking up with him.

Long story short, I overreacted - because he explained to me (3 weeks ago), that, the reason he ghosted me was, "I'm sorry. I was depressed."
It's been 3 weeks and I haven't heard from him since his apology - and I did explain that I overreacted and jumped to conclusions, and that my loyalty will always lie with him - but, I am nervous that I may lose the love of my life due to me overreacting.

I am so disappointed in myself.
Why did I have to find out I'm a bear/20-something, and possibly lose the love of my life, in only 3 weeks?
And to think, to some these are such silly and first world problems - but to me, they're a big deal.

I am fearful of being dumped again, and having to put myself out in the dating scene, to only be ghosted, blocked, and getting rejected and "let down easy" by men who sell me nothing but pipe dreams and gaslighting.
If a man doesn't want me, why would he make me think he loves me? (Like so many ex friends of mine have done, and they admitted to leading me on)
All those mind games are one mind game too many - so I establish a rule to myself from the time I meet them; if they do or say anything that is triggering or that reminds me of other toxic people, I need to either ghost them, or let them know we won't work, as soon as possible.

 

[deleted464787]

I'm 26, 5'2", and 150 to 160 lbs. (About 11.4 stone, for my UK/European viewers).

I always thought I was a twink, because I was anorexic until I was 22.
Long story short, even when I started to gain weight, I still had no idea I was slowly becoming more of a bear than a sickly twink.

I've survived a lot of abusive relationships - and typically (just like my parents, my half-sisters and both sides of my family used to do) me being "dropped on your head when you were a baby" (which was said by my Boomer uncle) and "You are fat! You have to own it!" (Which was said by my aunt - when I was 130 lbs.) were just a fraction of the statements I always heard growing up.
So, anytime I meet someone who struggles with eating disorders, my first instinct is to either to help them escape their situation or to advocate for them (if they're in a toxic situation on top of their condition), because I've been in both situations and I know how it feels to cry out for help and people abandon you when your life is threatened.
I don't believe in leaving people behind - except the people who laughed and called me stupid and crazy when I took accountability for destroying my life.

I only say all that to say - to this day, my family still skinny shames me.
Which is why I asked a friend, yesterday, what he thinks my body type is - "Do you see me as a twink or something else?"
And he said he thought I have a bear body that is sexy.

That put everything into perspective for me.
I was called ugly more times than I can count, and was skinny shamed and a target of homophobia as well.

And I lived to tell the story - but it doesn't change the fact that I'm now a 26 year old bear who still gets rejected because of my being a bear.
I'm around 160 lbs., and it has been difficult to accept that my aunt (who I assumed was fatphobic for saying what she said, when I was 19 and 130 lbs.) was right about what she said.
I look thin in pictures still, but when my clothes come off, I do resemble a bear's body.
It's wild for me to come to terms with, not only because I'm hairy as well (that fact + my chest is a turn off to most men), but because I also am rejected or abused by every man I fall in love with.

On top of all that, I overcame the chaotic life I used to have, and I've been in a relationship for 1 1/2 years.
I went from drinking 7 sodas a day for 20 years, to the opposite - gaining 63 pounds since my initial weight gain in 2019, after healing my eating disorder.

And on top of all that, I got sober from pills on 17 March 2020 - could my sobriety have anything to do with my weight gain also?
(I'm just wondering)

I find that the men who do fall for me (besides my current boyfriend) always demand to me, "You need to gain weight" and "You need to work out if we're going to be together."
And that working out comment was said by my ex-fiancé, when I was still anorexic - and after our breakup, he later told me he struggled with an eating disorder when we were together.
I have no hard feelings toward my exes, but they treated me cruelly when it came to my disorder - and I'm never speaking to them again.

But the new problem I've had (and I've dated nearly 130 people across my entire life) is any new guys I meet, are immediately turned off and they block me.
I am highly sensitive - I used to get emotional about all the times potentially amazing partners blocked me; now, I simply take it in stride.
Desirability should not be the reason someone is a great partner.

By the way, my boyfriend and I are estranged.
He struggles with depression, and ghosts me for several months.
His career is not going so well - he's from Argentina and a college student, and I'm based in the USA.
He's the most respectful, kind, courteous, loyal, generous and caring man I've ever known and dated.
He ghosted me 2 days before I was going to propose to him (on our 1 year anniversary), which left me heartbroken - and I still am.
About 1 month into his 5 month ghosting, I wrote him a lengthy letter (which I should not have written at all), explaining that I was breaking up with him.

Long story short, I overreacted - because he explained to me (3 weeks ago), that, the reason he ghosted me was, "I'm sorry. I was depressed."
It's been 3 weeks and I haven't heard from him since his apology - and I did explain that I overreacted and jumped to conclusions, and that my loyalty will always lie with him - but, I am nervous that I may lose the love of my life due to me overreacting.

I am so disappointed in myself.
Why did I have to find out I'm a bear/20-something, and possibly lose the love of my life, in only 3 weeks?
And to think, to some these are such silly and first world problems - but to me, they're a big deal.

I am fearful of being dumped again, and having to put myself out in the dating scene, to only be ghosted, blocked, and getting rejected and "let down easy" by men who sell me nothing but pipe dreams and gaslighting.
If a man doesn't want me, why would he make me think he loves me? (Like so many ex friends of mine have done, and they admitted to leading me on)
All those mind games are one mind game too many - so I establish a rule to myself from the time I meet them; if they do or say anything that is triggering or that reminds me of other toxic people, I need to either ghost them, or let them know we won't work, as soon as possible.

A couple things:

1). First and foremost, it sounds like you are dealing with a lot of trauma and damage—none of which is really your fault, yet it’s a burden that was forced upon you. As cliche as it sounds, I HIGHLY suggest seeking a professionals’ help to manage that trauma. All too often, people try to deal with it themselves, or they simply seek the console of other who are NOT professionals, and their progress against that trauma stagnates… or even gets worse.

2). People will seek what they want in a partner(whether that be sexual, relationship, or otherwise) and that is entirely their right. Afterall, you wouldn’t want your partner to be unhappily with you, right?

If someone says to you “you need to workout/gain weight if you want me to stay with you” you have 2 choices: either do the work that the person is asking of you so you can stay with them, or decide that this isn’t the kind of person you need to be with, and find someone who won’t ask that of you.

People may think it’s unhealthy to choose option number 1, because it’s so common these days to play the “you’re beautiful just the way you are” card. But that mindset is a farce—beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

If you think it’s worth it to do the work to stay in the relationship, then by all means, work hard, and compromise to give your partner what they want. It’s also worth mentioning that this goes both way—you have the right to seek a partner who meets your standards, and you shouldn’t have to feel like you are “settling.”

now, if you think your partner is being unreasonable with their requests—or even worse, requesting something that would be UNHEALTHY for you, then you need to explain to them why you won’t meet that request, and you both need to take a hard look at whether or not it is worth ending the relationship over.

probably the worst outcome that could come from this is you trying to FORCE the relationship to work, and both of you being unhappy, and simply living a toxic life together.

hope this helps.

 

[Andrej_u]

So there's a lot here, I will answer a few points here and there.
I will start from this:

I find that the men who do fall for me (besides my current boyfriend) always demand to me, "You need to gain weight" and "You need to work out if we're going to be together."
And that working out comment was said by my ex-fiancé, when I was still anorexic - and after our breakup, he later told me he struggled with an eating disorder when we were together.
I have no hard feelings toward my exes, but they treated me cruelly when it came to my disorder - and I'm never speaking to them again.

He is projecting his issues on you.
Not trying to "defend" him or justifying him, but putting it into perspective. He is so harsh on you, because he is even harsher on himself. It is somehow similar to when a closeted gay guy becomes a homophobic politician, or a person from a minority is racist towards his own people. It stems from lack of self-acceptance.

I'm 26, 5'2", and 150 to 160 lbs. (About 11.4 stone, for my UK/European viewers).

Interesting, I forgot about stones! We do kilograms, except in the UK. It's 68 to 72 kg.

I always thought I was a twink, because I was anorexic until I was 22.
Long story short, even when I started to gain weight, I still had no idea I was slowly becoming more of a bear than a sickly twink.

I've survived a lot of abusive relationships - and typically (just like my parents, my half-sisters and both sides of my family used to do) me being "dropped on your head when you were a baby" (which was said by my Boomer uncle) and "You are fat! You have to own it!" (Which was said by my aunt - when I was 130 lbs.) were just a fraction of the statements I always heard growing up.
So, anytime I meet someone who struggles with eating disorders, my first instinct is to either to help them escape their situation or to advocate for them (if they're in a toxic situation on top of their condition), because I've been in both situations and I know how it feels to cry out for help and people abandon you when your life is threatened.
I don't believe in leaving people behind - except the people who laughed and called me stupid and crazy when I took accountability for destroying my life.

I only say all that to say - to this day, my family still skinny shames me.
Which is why I asked a friend, yesterday, what he thinks my body type is - "Do you see me as a twink or something else?"
And he said he thought I have a bear body that is sexy.

I can relate to that.
My mom struggled with her weight all her life, and she also tells me that I'm fat.
I've come to terms with the fact that she is trying, in the wrong way, to protect me and prevent me from following her footsteps of gaining and losing weight all the time.

Now, bear body. I am a few years older than you, and I remember when the only ideal of beauty was being skinny.
Then came Kim Kardashian who, with her curvy ass, revolutionised the beauty standards in the Western world. We can always do better, doing some sports is always positive and healthy, but body types like mine and yours happen to be exactly what is fashionable nowadays.

And beauty standards change over time, all the time!

As a final note, yeah, I do recommend psychotherapy.
I am not sure how it works where you are, if you can get it for free or for cheap through.. Insurance? National health service? But yeah, it can help you be less afraid of rejection, which surely sucks.

Last couple things: you were skinny shamed when you were anorexic, now you get fat shamed. What does it mean? It means that we can't please everyone, right? We will always be rejected by some people for what we are and what we aren't. Even the hottest guy is not everyone's type.

And last piece of advice: try talking with someone who struggles with depression. They can give you a good perspective on how your (ex?)-boyfriend feels and how to be next to him in a productive way.

 

[6798491]

A couple things:

1). First and foremost, it sounds like you are dealing with a lot of trauma and damage—none of which is really your fault, yet it’s a burden that was forced upon you. As cliche as it sounds, I HIGHLY suggest seeking a professionals’ help to manage that trauma. All too often, people try to deal with it themselves, or they simply seek the console of other who are NOT professionals, and their progress against that trauma stagnates… or even gets worse.

2). People will seek what they want in a partner(whether that be sexual, relationship, or otherwise) and that is entirely their right. Afterall, you wouldn’t want your partner to be unhappily with you, right?

If someone says to you “you need to workout/gain weight if you want me to stay with you” you have 2 choices: either do the work that the person is asking of you so you can stay with them, or decide that this isn’t the kind of person you need to be with, and find someone who won’t ask that of you.

People may think it’s unhealthy to choose option number 1, because it’s so common these days to play the “you’re beautiful just the way you are” card. But that mindset is a farce—beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

If you think it’s worth it to do the work to stay in the relationship, then by all means, work hard, and compromise to give your partner what they want. It’s also worth mentioning that this goes both way—you have the right to seek a partner who meets your standards, and you shouldn’t have to feel like you are “settling.”

now, if you think your partner is being unreasonable with their requests—or even worse, requesting something that would be UNHEALTHY for you, then you need to explain to them why you won’t meet that request, and you both need to take a hard look at whether or not it is worth ending the relationship over.

probably the worst outcome that could come from this is you trying to FORCE the relationship to work, and both of you being unhappy, and simply living a toxic life together.

hope this helps.

I just wrote a lengthy response to what you said (giving additional context & background details to some of what you said), but my phone deleted the entire response when my screen refreshed.

I'll summarize it like this:

1) Yes, it is true. I was 97 lbs. until I was 22 years old (and for 19 years, on top of that). I'm now 150 to 160, and I basically went from twink in 2019 to bear during the pandemic.
I've maintained my size for the last 3 years, from the pandemic until now.

2) Yes.
He is actually my ex-fiancé - let's call him Shifter - who dumped me over something odd in 2019 (we had dated for 3 years before our engagement; 3 weeks after he proposed, we argued and that argument led to our breakup).

I had several flings after my breakup with Shifter; I decided the reason why I was always heartbroken was not who I was dating, but the location of whom I was dating.
So, I had several flings in the first year after my breakup - most of them were with men from the Philippines, which ended.

Sometime later, in 2020, I met my current boyfriend (let's call him Tunbridge).
We were friends for a year and a half before we started dating on October 7, 2021 - and I will always be grateful to him for loving me for who I am, inside and out, and I love him for who he is as well.
He lives in Argentina, and I live in the States; part of why I love him is because he's suave, charismatic and sophisticated, like my dad was (and my dad emigrated to the States after my parents married).

He is such a gentleman; he reminds me of those same classy and graceful manners and etiquette styles that I have (which is funny now - people have always told me, 'You're the youngest old man I know!' and I always burst into laughter because it is true - I grew up watching movies from the '30s and '40s, and my relatives said to me once, 'Every time I see Lucille Ball, I think of you.' - because I grew up watching and adoring Lucille Ball, and she is still my idol.
And, it's ironic I brought up Lucy - because I always tell people that Desi Arnaz (another Pisces!) also reminds me of Daddy - he was 40 years older than Daddy, but they had much of the same upbringings and personality traits.
And I still remember when Daddy told me, "Never marry a woman like her." (He was referring to Lucille Ball's character, Lucy Ricardo, manipulating Ricky into getting what she wanted in every episode).
We were never able to sit and discuss my mom's behavior - I was much too young for that (I sound like my dad!) - but he died when I was just starting high school, so he never got to watch me grow up (he died 1 month after I started my freshman year of HS).

His death caused too many possible conversations and making amends to be aborted from my life.
They will never be discussed at all now.
My sisters being (as I call them) absentee siblings my entire life (and they're both 20 years older than me) & us not sitting as a family to make amends; me asking Daddy about his upbringing and family tree; even me apologizing for the way I treated him, since my mom always defamed him and said he was a bunch of things he wasn't, and apologizing about all that.
All of that left 13 years ago, after his death.
My mom now projects onto me the same way - when we argue (really, for my whole life), the first thing she screams at me is, "You are your father's son!"
And I have to hold back my tongue from saying every time, "He married an abusive woman. YOU!"
Even typing that, I can feel Daddy watching over me, telling me, "Some things are better left unsaid." - spoken like a true Bermudian-British gentleman.

Now, onto my current boyfriend, who I call "Tunbridge" (after the city Tunbridge in the UK):
Tunbridge is my boyfriend who struggles with depression; I'm sorry for the confusion if you thought Shifter and Tunbridge were the same person!
They're not!
Shifter is American, and Tunbridge is a wonderful Argentine.

In case you're a fan of astrology, my boyfriend and I are both Virgos (my birthday is 8/25 and his is 9/5); my dad was a Pisces (RIP) and my mom is a Taurus; and my mom's mom was a Scorpio (who I lived with, who also mentored me and raised me as her own).

My paternal great-grandmother was an Aries herself - but - as I've been told - I inherited my mom's mom, Ms. Scorpio (also RIP) and Ms. Aries (my paternal G-GM)' wisdom, class and integrity.

So I suppose Lucille Ball raised me also, since my grandma - being half sarcastic, half serious - used to tell my mom, "That damn Lucy!"
My mom said the reason why my grandma hated watching I Love Lucy with me is because, "We've seen all the episodes."
My grandma was 19 when ILL premiered in 1951 - just for context.

I (as a joke) say that Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz are my surrogate parents (since me, my dad and my grandma were the only 3 sane people on both sides of my family. But isn't it ironic that my dad and my grandma ruthlessly hated each other?).
My aunt and uncle (my mom's sister and brother-in-law) fight exactly like Fred and Ethel.
My mom acts just like Lucy Ricardo and Daddy was her Ricky - and I was very obviously Little Ricky (but that became dangerous later in life).

I guess my being a "grandpa" is how I met Tunbridge - so, maybe all the I Love Lucy I've watched for 18 years did pay off?

 

[ginge1983]

He ghosted me 2 days before I was going to propose to him (on our 1 year anniversary), which left me heartbroken - and I still am.
About 1 month into his 5 month ghosting, I wrote him a lengthy letter (which I should not have written at all), explaining that I was breaking up with him.

Long story short, I overreacted - because he explained to me (3 weeks ago), that, the reason he ghosted me was, "I'm sorry. I was depressed."
It's been 3 weeks and I haven't heard from him since his apology - and I did explain that I overreacted and jumped to conclusions, and that my loyalty will always lie with him - but, I am nervous that I may lose the love of my life due to me overreacting.

I'm surprised that no-one has raised this next point, so I will.

Your current boyfriend ghosted you for over 5 months, he has left you in limbo for nearly half a year, and so it was not an overreaction on your part at all to send that letter. Most people, upon being treated like that would assume the relationship to be over without needing to send a letter. I have been on the receiving end of this before, and the relationship did end. I never saw him again and had to move on without that closure. If you had never sent the letter, would he have ever stopped ghosting you?

Since then, he's only sent the explanation and nothing else, so really he's... ghosted you for a third of the relationship?

I think you need to have a think about this. Yes, 'Tunbridge' has depression, but really it's not an excuse if he's supposed to be your boyfriend. A text message once a week, or an email once a month, or anything. This is not too much to expect. The only excuse I would accept is if he had no access to his phone for that time.

You're in a different country to him, so communication is literally the only thing you can expect from this relationship for now, and he's not even giving you that.

And yes, I notice that in the title you've mentioned that this is a Poly relationship. I hate to say this, but it does sound like maybe he has moved on and got new partner/s who fulfil his needs.

You're in love, you were going to propose to him. Does he love you? A man who loves you would not be ghosting you.

I'm so sorry to sound so negative when you're so in love, but the way he is acting is not acceptable from my point of view.

And you blamed yourself.

 

[6798491]

My last post was called "Anorexia + Bear Discrimination + Poly Relationship", where I mentioned my boyfriend of 1 year at that time.
I said I was going to propose and described the entire ordeal.

Long story short, here's the update.

I dumped him last November, and have been single ever since.
I was a serial dater, and now I'm just focusing on my move from small town New Jersey, to Omaha, Nebraska.
I'm moving in 2 weeks, so no more crazy exes - I hope?

I've dated more than 120 people, and have lost count by now - most were long distance.
Someone told me recently, "You're not going to have any luck finding a non-religious guy in Nebraska" - and since I'm an atheist (who grew up as a fundamentalist Christian), I'm pretty much going back to the same dynamic.
The silver lining is, Nebraska is better than living with my abusive mother, that's for sure!
Or better than dating exes who disrespect me (one posted revenge p*** of me and another had a racist father who cursed me out).
But enough of that - I'm just ready to start the next chapter of my life, and ready for my newfound freedom.
No more control and no more abuse, from anyone, for that matter.

And I swore I'd never use Grindr again - 2 years ago - because of bad luck and rejection based on my size, but I'm now using it again.
I see Grindr as the only way to keep my options open.
I'm relationship and marriage oriented, so I'm looking for that in Nebraska after my move.
And if it doesn't work out in Nebraska, I can always go back to long distance.

Lastly, to the people who said "Long distance never works out", here's my backstory:
Many moons ago, I dated 2 guys in person, and it was a disaster - one I was with for 3 years (and he proposed to me and then lied about it - and after he dumped me, admitted he was using me and that he dated me because my friend pressured him into it, to get me away from my abusive ex - and my therapist diagnosed the 3 year ex with BPD when I described his behavior when he's around me).

The second guy, I only met once (and he was a friend of my relative - red flag!) before he moved to Florida with one of my relatives - but we dated for 5 years and I dumped him also.
So I told myself after those ended, that if I date in person again, I'd only be heartbroken like before - but now I'm just going to face the unknown and put myself out there again.
The worst things I've been told were that I'm ugly & I've also been subjected to direct racism (and I'm never sharing what was said because I refuse to give idiots power - absolute power, corrupts, absolutely).

There is no "worst thing that can happen" after I move.
I don't know Nebraska and Nebraska doesn't know me.
After all, I'm moving from Nebraska to California in 2024 - so that could be another silver lining.
I only have the future to look forward to, and I'm 26 and ready for some excitement.