Asexual Spectrum Group

teensmokerghost

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Really? Tell us about it
Well, my sex drive kicked in early. I found porn by age 6, masturbating by 10. But when it came time to actually start having sex with people, I wanted it but there was this like, sick fear that came along with it. That's the only way I can think of to describe it. Before and during puberty when I'd go to amusement parks or pools in the summertime and see teenage boys with their girlfriends or guy friends, and smell their deodorant or pheromones or see their legs in shorts or their shirtless torsos, it was like my stomach would start turning but I also felt like I had to pee and I would think about them grabbing me and "fucking" me.

I was in high school when I met my first long term boyfriend, who was also my first sexual partner. He was a year older than me and more experienced, but totally respectful and took it slow with me. We would make out for hours pretty much, and I'd get really horny, feeling his hard dick through his pants when I'd never felt one before other than my own was crazy. Yet the first time we fooled around, we just did bj's and hj's and he had to jerk me off for like 30 minutes straight after he came, so that I could cum. And with time that faded, we became very sexually fluent with one another. But every time after we had sex, I don't know why but I just wanted him to go away.

I struggle to this day to just meet somebody I think is hot and just be able to have sex with them. Throughout my 20's, I almost exclusively had sex with older guys that I found slightly unattractive. I was too afraid to have sex with my peers usually. I couldn't tell you how many hookups I've gone to where I got there, and even if (especially if, tbh) they were attractive I would just leave right after getting there. Sex eventually became nothing but a stressful chore. I used drugs to avoid having to be horny.

My last boyfriend was 2 years younger than me. We met on grindr and planned to jerk off and watch porn. After barely getting the nerve to really go over to his place, we met and we started according to plan, but eventually he wanted to kiss me, and that night he ended up cumming inside me. It was hot, and felt special. We had lots of sex after that and I even moved across the country to be with him after he had to move away. But as soon as I moved in with him in that new state, the sex was just gone. He still wanted to have sex, I didn't. I had put on some weight I guess, and was self conscious about being naked around him, but it felt like something else was off, too. Something between us wasn't connecting. I wanted to want to. And I tried to power through and do it anyway, but then I wouldn't stay hard or I wouldn't cum. Sometimes even if I was into it I wouldn't cum. And it just seemed to get worse, and then the thought of sex to me was stressful and anxiety-provoking again. I knew it hurt him to be rejected so much, I still hate myself for not just being able to do it. I think maybe we'd still be together had I just figured out what the fuck is wrong with me sexually. I feel like most guys I know will have sex regardless of whether or not they'll perform well or are that into the person or not. But lately I just feel like I'm not qualified for sex, at least not the sex I'd really want. I'll go weeks at a time without jerking off. Not necessarily because I don't want to, but because I just pathologize everything sexual now. I don't let go, I guess.

I'm also really weird about kinks. It's like when a sexual partner introduces the idea of one to me, it makes me really anxious, almost panicky, but then after a while it becomes a kink for me. One of my ex's wanted to cum on my face when I was like 20, and I remember I was like, "Why would you want to do that to me?" I mean I knew why, but I think maybe it made me feel like I wasn't good enough. We had to do this dumb porn thing for it to be hot. Shortly thereafter it became a lifelong kink of mine. My last boyfriend was really into gooning, which I had kinda the same thing with, though I think nowadays I'm not as turned on by it now that we aren't together anymore. But isn't that weird? It's almost like I don't have my own sexuality. Like it all depends on the other person. And maybe that'd be okay, but I can almost never find a person I like, or if I do, we can't be together or if we can, we don't last.


tl;dr - I have a mysterious shame and insecurity around sex that eventually wore me down and now I just overthink it to the point where I barely want to masturbate even though I'm horny.
 
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BlkWiz9

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Can Asexuals have babies without going through the surrogacy? 40K is really expensive and a huge risk.
 

nhguy78

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Well, my sex drive kicked in early. I found porn by age 6, masturbating by 10. But when it came time to actually start having sex with people, I wanted it but there was this like, sick fear that came along with it. That's the only way I can think of to describe it. Before and during puberty when I'd go to amusement parks or pools in the summertime and see teenage boys with their girlfriends or guy friends, and smell their deodorant or pheromones or see their legs in shorts or their shirtless torsos, it was like my stomach would start turning but I also felt like I had to pee and I would think about them grabbing me and "fucking" me.

I was in high school when I met my first long term boyfriend, who was also my first sexual partner. He was a year older than me and more experienced, but totally respectful and took it slow with me. We would make out for hours pretty much, and I'd get really horny, feeling his hard dick through his pants when I'd never felt one before other than my own was crazy. Yet the first time we fooled around, we just did bj's and hj's and he had to jerk me off for like 30 minutes straight after he came, so that I could cum. And with time that faded, we became very sexually fluent with one another. But every time after we had sex, I don't know why but I just wanted him to go away.

I struggle to this day to just meet somebody I think is hot and just be able to have sex with them. Throughout my 20's, I almost exclusively had sex with older guys that I found slightly unattractive. I was too afraid to have sex with my peers usually. I couldn't tell you how many hookups I've gone to where I got there, and even if (especially if, tbh) they were attractive I would just leave right after getting there. Sex eventually became nothing but a stressful chore. I used drugs to avoid having to be horny.

My last boyfriend was 2 years younger than me. We met on grindr and planned to jerk off and watch porn. After barely getting the nerve to really go over to his place, we met and we started according to plan, but eventually he wanted to kiss me, and that night he ended up cumming inside me. It was hot, and felt special. We had lots of sex after that and I even moved across the country to be with him after he had to move away. But as soon as I moved in with him in that new state, the sex was just gone. He still wanted to have sex, I didn't. I had put on some weight I guess, and was self conscious about being naked around him, but it felt like something else was off, too. Something between us wasn't connecting. I wanted to want to. And I tried to power through and do it anyway, but then I wouldn't stay hard or I wouldn't cum. Sometimes even if I was into it I wouldn't cum. And it just seemed to get worse, and then the thought of sex to me was stressful and anxiety-provoking again. I knew it hurt him to be rejected so much, I still hate myself for not just being able to do it. I think maybe we'd still be together had I just figured out what the fuck is wrong with me sexually. I feel like most guys I know will have sex regardless of whether or not they'll perform well or are that into the person or not. But lately I just feel like I'm not qualified for sex, at least not the sex I'd really want. I'll go weeks at a time without jerking off. Not necessarily because I don't want to, but because I just pathologize everything sexual now. I don't let go, I guess.

I'm also really weird about kinks. It's like when a sexual partner introduces the idea of one to me, it makes me really anxious, almost panicky, but then after a while it becomes a kink for me. One of my ex's wanted to cum on my face when I was like 20, and I remember I was like, "Why would you want to do that to me?" I mean I knew why, but I think maybe it made me feel like I wasn't good enough. We had to do this dumb porn thing for it to be hot. Shortly thereafter it became a lifelong kink of mine. My last boyfriend was really into gooning, which I had kinda the same thing with, though I think nowadays I'm not as turned on by it now that we aren't together anymore. But isn't that weird? It's almost like I don't have my own sexuality. Like it all depends on the other person. And maybe that'd be okay, but I can almost never find a person I like, or if I do, we can't be together or if we can, we don't last.


tl;dr - I have a mysterious shame and insecurity around sex that eventually wore me down and now I just overthink it to the point where I barely want to masturbate even though I'm horny.

Perhaps you may be reciprosexual. It is attraction if you know someone is interested in you.
 
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aheidla

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tl;dr - I have a mysterious shame and insecurity around sex that eventually wore me down and now I just overthink it to the point where I barely want to masturbate even though I'm horny.

Honestly, your situation doesn't sound like asexuality to me. It sounds like fear of intimacy rooted in insecurity and not feeling comfortable with allowing yourself to embrace the level of vulnerability that being sexual with another person requires.

Not once in any of the encounters that you described did I get a sense that you were somewhat disgusted by the act of sex or didn't receive pleasure. It sounds more like a mental block that prevents you from, as you stated, "letting go."

Each time I've had sex, I was a bit repulsed by the act itself and received absolutely zero pleasure from it. I mostly just "disappeared" into whatever my partner was doing or wanted to do. I wasn't "present" for any of the times that we engaged. It was almost as if I dissociated.

I have no desire for sexual contact of any kind with another individual because I don't experience sexual attraction. It sounds like you do experience sexual attraction, but are not sure how to comfortably express it. Perhaps there is a fear of judgment for expressing your true desires. I would suggest trying to get to the root of why that fear exists so that you can overcome it and actually enjoy the sex with another person that, deep down, I think you may actually want to organically experience.

Just an observation. I could be wrong.
 

teensmokerghost

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Perhaps you may be reciprosexual. It is attraction if you know someone is interested in you.

I have had this same thought but didn't know there was a word for it. Thank you! I think that's definitely part of it.


Honestly, your situation doesn't sound like asexuality to me. It sounds like fear of intimacy rooted in insecurity and not feeling comfortable with allowing yourself to embrace the level of vulnerability that being sexual with another person requires.

Not once in any of the encounters that you described did I get a sense that you were somewhat disgusted by the act of sex or didn't receive pleasure. It sounds more like a mental block that prevents you from, as you stated, "letting go."

Each time I've had sex, I was a bit repulsed by the act itself and received absolutely zero pleasure from it. I mostly just "disappeared" into whatever my partner was doing or wanted to do. I wasn't "present" for any of the times that we engaged. It was almost as if I dissociated.

I have no desire for sexual contact of any kind with another individual because I don't experience sexual attraction. It sounds like you do experience sexual attraction, but are not sure how to comfortably express it. Perhaps there is a fear of judgment for expressing your true desires. I would suggest trying to get to the root of why that fear exists so that you can overcome it and actually enjoy the sex with another person that, deep down, I think you may actually want to organically experience.

Just an observation. I could be wrong.

No, I think you're on to something. I think maybe I have a lower sex drive at times, and also maybe the above comment about reciprosexuality plays a role, as well as the fear and insecurity you mentioned. I am already in the process of seeing a sex therapist to start unpacking this. Thanks for your feedback! I felt kinda weird posting that novella and I appreciate you guys taking the time to read it and respond.
 
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