Barely able to cum or stay hard when having sex with someone else

[Throwable12323]

The title sums it up pretty much. However, for some more context:
When I'm home alone just jerk, i don't have any problems with staying hard or to cum. It doesn't matter if I consume Videos, read erotic Stories (Finn and Luca from "Straight Friends go travelling ) or just rub one out with nothing more than my thought. Everything without any problems and I can finish (except when using only Thoughts) in maybe like 2 minutes if I'm really in a hurry. Usually it takes me something around of 15-20 Minutes and can extend to around an hour with no problems regarding hardness whatsoever.
This all changes when I'm together with someone else. I can stay hard for maybe like 3 minutes and then it's only this "semi" hard, where it's hard enough to enter someone but it's still squishy. I also don't need much (eg. a bit of Urin smell or just not touching for like 10 Seconds) to instantly go from hard to completly soft and then having massive problems getting hard again, not to speak about actually cumming.
This is really getting to my self esteem. I currently have a F+ who is quite forgiving in that sense (mainly because I have other parts that work flawlessly like my Tongue, if you know what I mean).

The best way I can describe how it feels to me is that I get barely any stimulation when I'm with someone (Doesn't matter if either I or (s)he is playing with me). I can feel the sensation of someone touching me, however it's basically that. Only a sensation, not a Stimulation. When I rub one out on my own I generally "feel" the touch going up through my body until the belly button depending on how I'm doing it, when someone else does it, the sensation barely even leaves my cockhead.
My current effort to solve this is to use a Viagra-derivat, however this only solves parts of the problem and I would very much prefer it to be able to. Secondly I'm currently using a 10% Urea-Creme to hopefully rehydrate my Cockhead any maybe cause an increase in sensation through that.
For those of you wondering, I'm uncut and the skin constantly wraps around my cock-head.

Maybe someone of you knows a trick so I can finally feel something.

 

[rope9839]

Stop masturbating so much, for one. The rest sounds like anxiety. You just aren't comfortable yet.

 

[vincegre]

Might be you suffer of the death grip like me :-(

 

[13428075]

Stop watching porn.
Stop wanking for some time, and practice with the other person.
Maybe use your meds like cialis or viagra until your anxiety subsides…
But never watch porn again and only if you have to touch yourself.

 

[canadianwhiskey]

I would be interested to know your size, particularly your girth .....

Could be down to masturbation technique (eg. Death grip). If you're providing too tight of a sensation with your hand, then you may not feel that level of sensation during sex causing you to lose hardness. It could also be psychological where you anticipate the loss of erection leading to additional anxiety. As a Thin penis owner, I learned that it was best to masturbate with my fingers (not entire hand - a luxury a fat penis may not have), in order to not grip my dick too tightly as with a skinnier penis, you will naturally feel less during sex because you may not fill up the orifice you are in (pussy, ass etc) fully leading to less friction.

Try with a looser grip during masturbation and see if you see better results during sex.

 

[Throwable12323]

I would be interested to know your size, particularly your girth .....

Could be down to masturbation technique (eg. Death grip). If you're providing too tight of a sensation with your hand, then you may not feel that level of sensation during sex causing you to lose hardness. It could also be psychological where you anticipate the loss of erection leading to additional anxiety. As a Thin penis owner, I learned that it was best to masturbate with my fingers (not entire hand - a luxury a fat penis may not have), in order to not grip my dick too tightly as with a skinnier penis, you will naturally feel less during sex because you may not fill up the orifice you are in (pussy, ass etc) fully leading to less friction.

Try with a looser grip during masturbation and see if you see better results during sex.

I'm roughly at 14.5 cm in both length and girth. Overall my Dick is oval-ish shaped with the widest part being slightly above the midpoint of my cock.
I actually also developed a three-finger technique to jerk off once I'm nearing climax. With that I mainly focus like the back side of my cockhead (not directly but through my Foreskin). Although I actually stopped masturbating already for like a month or so but it didn't change a lot (I stay harder for longer for a few more minutes). Except that there isn't a change... Well, except that my dick is being awakened through a soft breeze against my bulge while I'm home alone and see something mildly erotic

Also attached a pic of my cock so you can get the reference

 

[canadianwhiskey]

I'm roughly at 14.5 cm in both length and girth. Overall my Dick is oval-ish shaped with the widest part being slightly above the midpoint of my cock.
I actually also developed a three-finger technique to jerk off once I'm nearing climax. With that I mainly focus like the back side of my cockhead (not directly but through my Foreskin). Although I actually stopped masturbating already for like a month or so but it didn't change a lot (I stay harder for longer for a few more minutes). Except that there isn't a change... Well, except that my dick is being awakened through a soft breeze against my bulge while I'm home alone and see something mildly erotic

Also attached a pic of my cock so you can get the reference

Your cock is pretty fat so friction with most should be pleasurable so maybe it comes down to grip. Maybe try the 3 finger technique throughout the entire session of playing with yourself for a month or so and see if it helps resensitize your cock

 

[thickcockjames]

So, I had a bout of this a few years back and here’s what I decided was my issue.

First, I got “too good” at pleasuring myself. I had a routine when I’d jerk off, and I think my body just got used to that. So getting outside of that routine was uncomfortable with other people. So I started mixing it up, started introducing toys, mixing up my grip, finding new ways to push my own buttons. It was almost a learned skill, like if a woman would jerk me off, then I’d just go limp because I was always so focused on my head getting the stimulation that I didn’t really care about the shaft. So I started jerking off with a much lighter grip (I saw the term “death grip” in the comments a few times and didn’t know that was a thing) and also started learning how to cum without stimulating my head at all.

Second. I’m a very very visual person, so jerking off id always be watching porn, and I’d watch like 30 seconds of 50 clips. So not only was I being stimulated by the fact that porn was on, but I was getting that dopamine hit of seeing something new all the time. So I quit watching porn for a length of time. Maybe a month or two. This made it really difficult to jerk off honestly. Again, I’m very visual. So I stopped jerking off for a while and one day I woke up and I was just horny. Naturally horny, tingle in my tummy cock is throbbing horny. So, without porn or any visual stimulation I just jerked off. It felt incredible like a reset for my cock.

From that I realized that jerking off wasn’t something I really did to pleasure myself, it was basically part of my routine. Like I had disconnected the sexual sensation of it and it was just something I did.

Back to the actual performance issues, when I’d have wax with a woman I was in a similar spot as you, I’d be hard enough for penetration and luckily that’s big enough for most women, but it wasn’t nearly as enjoyable for me and with all the pressure we put on ourselves to be great at sex, I developed anxiety with it. I found out that only doing things I’d never really done before would keep me really hard, and at that point it was incredibly rough sex, knocking on the door of S&M type stuff.

Taking the time off from porn and jerking off really helped me re-establish a better connection with the sensations my cock has and my actual feeling of being horny. I also totally changed the way I jerk off, I’ll still watch porn, but I’m mentally engaging the whole time with my cock and barely grabbing my dick using slower gentler motions. My cock is rock solid any time I’m aroused now and my theory is that once you I grip it too tight during an erection it can push blood out of your cock and kinda start the process of going down. So it takes a tight grip to “refill” it so to speak. Anyway, hope my story helps. Best of luck to ya.

 

[Throwable12323]

So, I had a bout of this a few years back and here’s what I decided was my issue.

First, I got “too good” at pleasuring myself. I had a routine when I’d jerk off, and I think my body just got used to that. So getting outside of that routine was uncomfortable with other people. So I started mixing it up, started introducing toys, mixing up my grip, finding new ways to push my own buttons. It was almost a learned skill, like if a woman would jerk me off, then I’d just go limp because I was always so focused on my head getting the stimulation that I didn’t really care about the shaft. So I started jerking off with a much lighter grip (I saw the term “death grip” in the comments a few times and didn’t know that was a thing) and also started learning how to cum without stimulating my head at all.

Second. I’m a very very visual person, so jerking off id always be watching porn, and I’d watch like 30 seconds of 50 clips. So not only was I being stimulated by the fact that porn was on, but I was getting that dopamine hit of seeing something new all the time. So I quit watching porn for a length of time. Maybe a month or two. This made it really difficult to jerk off honestly. Again, I’m very visual. So I stopped jerking off for a while and one day I woke up and I was just horny. Naturally horny, tingle in my tummy cock is throbbing horny. So, without porn or any visual stimulation I just jerked off. It felt incredible like a reset for my cock.

From that I realized that jerking off wasn’t something I really did to pleasure myself, it was basically part of my routine. Like I had disconnected the sexual sensation of it and it was just something I did.

Back to the actual performance issues, when I’d have wax with a woman I was in a similar spot as you, I’d be hard enough for penetration and luckily that’s big enough for most women, but it wasn’t nearly as enjoyable for me and with all the pressure we put on ourselves to be great at sex, I developed anxiety with it. I found out that only doing things I’d never really done before would keep me really hard, and at that point it was incredibly rough sex, knocking on the door of S&M type stuff.

Taking the time off from porn and jerking off really helped me re-establish a better connection with the sensations my cock has and my actual feeling of being horny. I also totally changed the way I jerk off, I’ll still watch porn, but I’m mentally engaging the whole time with my cock and barely grabbing my dick using slower gentler motions. My cock is rock solid any time I’m aroused now and my theory is that once you I grip it too tight during an erection it can push blood out of your cock and kinda start the process of going down. So it takes a tight grip to “refill” it so to speak. Anyway, hope my story helps. Best of luck to ya.

Actually this is one of the replies that resonate with me the most
I'm actually quite visual as well, that's why I actually (tried) to stop consuming porn cuz I also felt like I had disconnected my own arousal from seeing someone naked cuz I've already seen it so often. Shirtless guys on IG, the same shirtless guys now also without Pants on X, this Forum here, then there's also Reddit. A lot of pornographic stuff that slowly got part of my 'Routine' to watch, and then there's also the jerking myself off part to porn.
Trying out new stuff is definetly a habit of mien as well, but this is mainly because I tend to put myself into situations where I'm not comfortable just to have the other one pleased or in a more comfortable position. Well, but I'm also naturally curious so this is at least something that kind of works together . Although I haven't reached the SM-Door just yet, however, I do have ropes and a cage lying around somewhere just in case someone wants to be tied up like a christmas present

I'm gonna try to only hit my shaft and cum only through that or using toys to stimulate everything at once. @canadianwhiskey Thanks for the tipp, but I feel like hitting only my cockhead is gonna be a bit counterproductive ^^

 

[techpump]

Stop porn ASAP and don't even look at it if you are or are not touching yourself. Its a big boner and sensation killer. When you jerk off and watch stuff, whatever it is, you are connecting the sensations experienced in your penis to the visual stimuli. You have to break that connection and rewire your brain and especially dopamine. When you touch your cock it feels good, yes? When you touch your cock, then, AND consume any stimuli, now your brain is releasing dopamine, so the dopamine is being connected to what else is attached to your penis...the stimuli.

You need to make it so the only stimuli is sex. You should be really able to feel the nuances and intricacies of a vagina. It should be the most pleasurable feeling your cock, or you, have ever felt when your cock is involved in feeling anything. You know how to so perfectly touch yourself so you get pleasure. You need to stop touching yourself the way you have been and try for softer things. Try brushing a feather all over your erection. If you can't feel it, you are ruining your penis with way too much masturbation, likely too hard masturbation too. After you can feel a feather, try a piece of silk. Can you feel the chilly nature of silk against your penis??? Try ice, rub ice on your hard on. Warm up something that can be warmed up and rub it on your hard on, can you feel that, distinctly, in the exact location where the stimulus is touching your penis?

Focus on creating the sensation pathways again in your penis. Just try simple stuff at home, you don't need to do anything elaborate. If you can tickle your hard on with a feather and say to yourself "yes, I know what a feather feels like and I know that is a feather tickling my penis" then you are gaining sensation back. The point is to not cum. The point is to repair the neural pathways between your brain and your cock.

You should be trying to make yourself cum with the lightest touch possible, the softest thing possible, so that the most minute stimulation feels like the hardest death grip of your life. Where barely a breeze can make you go over the edge and cum. Retrain your cock. Stop porn, literotica, whatever it is. All that shit is linking dopamine release, which happens when something is pleasurable, to that shit and its taking away the pleasurable feelings you are supposed to feel when your penis is being stimulated. Best of luck to you man, I've been in this boat before and I found land.

 

[Throwable12323]

Stop porn ASAP and don't even look at it if you are or are not touching yourself. Its a big boner and sensation killer. When you jerk off and watch stuff, whatever it is, you are connecting the sensations experienced in your penis to the visual stimuli. You have to break that connection and rewire your brain and especially dopamine. When you touch your cock it feels good, yes? When you touch your cock, then, AND consume any stimuli, now your brain is releasing dopamine, so the dopamine is being connected to what else is attached to your penis...the stimuli.

You need to make it so the only stimuli is sex. You should be really able to feel the nuances and intricacies of a vagina. It should be the most pleasurable feeling your cock, or you, have ever felt when your cock is involved in feeling anything. You know how to so perfectly touch yourself so you get pleasure. You need to stop touching yourself the way you have been and try for softer things. Try brushing a feather all over your erection. If you can't feel it, you are ruining your penis with way too much masturbation, likely too hard masturbation too. After you can feel a feather, try a piece of silk. Can you feel the chilly nature of silk against your penis??? Try ice, rub ice on your hard on. Warm up something that can be warmed up and rub it on your hard on, can you feel that, distinctly, in the exact location where the stimulus is touching your penis?

Focus on creating the sensation pathways again in your penis. Just try simple stuff at home, you don't need to do anything elaborate. If you can tickle your hard on with a feather and say to yourself "yes, I know what a feather feels like and I know that is a feather tickling my penis" then you are gaining sensation back. The point is to not cum. The point is to repair the neural pathways between your brain and your cock.

You should be trying to make yourself cum with the lightest touch possible, the softest thing possible, so that the most minute stimulation feels like the hardest death grip of your life. Where barely a breeze can make you go over the edge and cum. Retrain your cock. Stop porn, literotica, whatever it is. All that shit is linking dopamine release, which happens when something is pleasurable, to that shit and its taking away the pleasurable feelings you are supposed to feel when your penis is being stimulated. Best of luck to you man, I've been in this boat before and I found land.

A feather?
Sorry dude, I know I wrote that I want to regain sensation during Sex, but I feel like what you describe is basically the extreme opposite of my problem and that it in contrary needs some desensibilisation because I know I wouldn't be able to go above the 30-second mark and this is a territory I don't really want to step a foot in. I like that I can stand and keep doing it for like 4 hours on/off.
And like I said, I have no problems during normal masturbation with or without porn. Even slight stimuli are being able to make me cum (although be it it needs longer to do so). The sudden loss of sensation only happens when I'm with someone else.

 

[coolestguy]

Try use ED meds to stay hard when you are with someone. I think it is just a matter of getting comfortable with the other person. Once you have that, you can stop the meds.

 

[opinionman]

Yes, try Cialis or its equivalent, the hilariously named tadalafil. This made a huge difference to me. I was a little embarrassed at first to "need" this but it's been miraculous.

 

[bleurfeliner]

What I’ve found in my experience is that when I can’t get hard, it’s usually because something is irking and distracting me. I don’t really need Viagra or Cialis for anything within 2 hours, I just need to respect my own needs and boundaries, maybe you’re the same?

Some of my turnoffs (I’m gonna sound like such a princess ):
1) Vibes: the pressure to cum and perform, chattiness during sex (verbal is fine, but just talk about the sex during sex and chat during breaks)
2) Smells: Bad breath, garbage smells, strong poop smell, spilt poppers
3) Aural: music that’s overly loud, cheery, or upbeat (e.g. Cottoneyed Joe, Barbie World, Darude Sanstorm)
4) Tactile: Sticky lube (hate x-lube and Wet Stuff), very hard/rough surfaces, prickly shaved arms and torso, gunky products in hair, tight/small condoms
5) Bad kissers: always-flexed tongue, too much tongue, tongue going weird places, pursed lips, too pecky, opening too wide, trying to eat my face without build up, etc.
6) Ergonomics: awkward positions/angles, not enough leg room, lubey rug/slippery floor
7) Temperatures outside the range of 7-27°C.
8) Company: jealous/ curious/ needy/ noisy pet being in the same room, pushy/rude/inconsiderate/absent (on the phone) sex partner(s), toxic couple dynamics
9) Self: chapped lips, dry cockhead, sour mouth (need to brush), itchy scalp, painful face acne, thirst, nausea, bloat, anxiety/preoccupation

Since I learned to be kinder and more accomodating to myself, I enjoy sex so so so so much more.

 

[Throwable12323]

A small update from my side. Currently I'm just taking a Generic Sildenafil product @ 12mg a piece (which I sometimes break in half) just to help "maintaining" and it already helped out a lot. However this isn't the only thing I've been doing.

What I’ve found in my experience is that when I can’t get hard, it’s usually because something is irking and distracting me. I don’t really need Viagra or Cialis for anything within 2 hours, I just need to respect my own needs and boundaries, maybe you’re the same?

[...]

9) Self: chapped lips, dry cockhead, sour mouth (need to brush), itchy scalp, painful face acne, thirst, nausea, bloat, anxiety/preoccupation

Dry Cockhead
This actually caught my eyes since my head is always quite dry when soft. It looks alright and shiny when hard, however when soft I can see it being quite dry and this made me think. I tried out some moisturizing cremes and ended up just using a mixture of equal parts 10% Urea Creme and Petroleum Jelly. I apply like 2 pea-sized glob of both on my finger and just rub it on my cockhead. I do this either 2 hours before I do anything with another guy and occasionally before going to bed.
And let me tell you, it definetly changed. I'm still not completly satisfied but the sensation has already increased a lot especially when getting sucked, which previously was practically guaranteed to make me soft.

My theory is that the Urea keeps the soft skin moisturized. It also acts as a sort of peel for the top layers of the skin. Any Moisture gained is then "sealed" by the petroleum Jelly It also decreases the Urea content to 5% when applied.

Important:
I actually recommend for every one doing this to either
- get 5% Urea directly or
- use 10%-Urea + Petroleum Jelly together,
otherwise the top most layer of your skin can start peeling away. This doesn't hurt, however I think this can still be damaging over time, also my cockhead sometimes got a bit irritated, so I wouldn't recommend going above 10% at all. Also it simply doesn't look good