Intro to what happened:
I'm pansexual but date guys.
I went through a period of time when I had a lot of resentment toward men, and still have a little bit left - but not as much as I had in maybe 2017 to 2019-20.
I've always loved Timothee Chalamet/Olly Alexander/Machine Gun Kelly-MGK types - artsy, intellectual, humble, self made, disciplined - but I seem to attract Kevin Samuels/Andrew Tate/Logan Paul types - hypermasculine, full of internalized misogyny & internalized homophobia, anger issues, self-destructive (through addiction) and don't realize it.
It's..... a journey, that I'm still healing from & trying to unpack.
What I realized recently:
A lot of my exes have been players, DL, addicts, abusive toward me, or just downright take me for granted.
I have yet another DL ex who has taken me for granted; we dated long distance, and I'd been wanting to see him for sometime (and his brother is also my ex, who I dumped for the exact same reason).
With both of them being my most recent exes, this reminded me of all the betrayal from men and exes I've overcome, all the hurt, shame and pain I've had from affairs I've had, both sides of my family being homophobic (but hating me for totally different reasons, while still abandoning me and doing "abuse by proxy" to punish me), and so much more.
Every time I meet someone healthy and sane who seems to fall in love with me, I begin to open up and they are terrified and they run - and months into our relationship (and sometimes weeks in), I'm forced to wipe away tears, stay strong, and say, "Another one's gone."
I stayed single for 6 months, and resisted dating again - because I had an intuitive feeling I'd get played again.
But I never listen - and I hate that about me; when I tell myself, "Stop dating a**holes, because you never learned from the ones that ruined your life and the ones who cheated on you", I still seem to lead with my heart, and only lead with my brain if I'm dumped or dumping them myself.
I grew up in a traditional, Christian fundamentalist family (between the Deep South and the Northeast US), and having an opinion was considered "talking back" when I was growing up; so when I was older, I rebelled and got power that I never had - and enjoyed that adrenaline rush.
The more abuse I went through at home (my mother is a narcissist, and I'm her only son & only child & she also dates toxic men), the more I started to become a serial dater and people-pleaser in relationships (thank goodness I'm not a people-pleaser anymore though; I learned my lesson).
My parents were married until my dad's death and both my parents were around - even though my mom was the toxic one and my mom's family refuses to acknowledge her being abusive at all, and it makes me hate them - which is why I cut them out my life recently.
The problem with that was, just like with my dad's side of the family abandoning me (my siblings and paternal lineage were never discussed unless someone on his side passed away), my mom's side were the ones who became abusive too, when my mom was not; my mom enabled it, enjoyed it, and even laughs about it and smiles while speaking about the abuse.
Quite frankly, in my 27 years of knowing her, I can confidently say she is an undetected psychopath who has Munchausen's By Proxy, and I was her victim.
I had so much shame about being a rebel that I drowned with my addiction (and it only got worse after my breakups, from around 2016 until my sobriety in January 2020), and way too much betrayal from exes and men I wanted to take the next step to be "more than friends" (and they promised this to my face), until one day, they let me down easy by saying things such as, "This is my way of saying I don't want to talk to you" - and I'd just be fighting back puddles of tears, after every broken heart.
In a lot of ways, I'm still having to fight back tears, but not as much as before (Maybe it's an adulting thing, maybe it's me trying not to look weak - I get that from my mom, but I guess I also get it from the betrayal of my exes and guys who refuse to make amends with me, who were nice one minute, and the next, ghost me and want nothing to do with me - and some I had affairs with for several years - which is something I'm still ashamed to speak about, because I truly loved them and was also severely betrayed and let down in the process).
It's now June 2023, and I've gone through yet another betrayal with an ex (and his brother is also my ex, which I'm not mad at, but the facts of the matter are just that).
I had a lot of resentment toward men, resentment toward women (I've only dated 2 women, and the one woman I've had a crush on currently - for quite a few years - I almost met, but our schedules got in the way in 2017, so I wrote 3 songs about her, which I haven't even looked at in 6 years now; I don't even know where those lyric sheets are anymore).
I've been a "side man" (I don't use the term "side chick" for obvious reasons), I've lied to protect exes, I've been hurt by men I loved, and hurt men who loved me.
I've also been deeply betrayed - and I have trouble with being able to say I will find the marriage and family goal that I truly want my life to lead toward, in the future.
The reason I fell for my exes in the first place, was because they're all unique and different; the world rejected them, and they met me at a strange time in both our lives; and from there, we developed a connection.
But I still hold onto those memories, and bring them up all the time - I just wonder if I'll ever find those special partners (I'm polyamorous) who will motivate me and see + accept me for who I am, flaws and all.
But I just can't see that happening.
Why can't I see that happening?
I've already typed this post out; surely, some sentiment or two, may jump out at you, as to the reason why?
I'm human - I'm not my past, but all I can do, is move forward.
The problem is, I don't know how.
I'm pansexual but date guys.
I went through a period of time when I had a lot of resentment toward men, and still have a little bit left - but not as much as I had in maybe 2017 to 2019-20.
I've always loved Timothee Chalamet/Olly Alexander/Machine Gun Kelly-MGK types - artsy, intellectual, humble, self made, disciplined - but I seem to attract Kevin Samuels/Andrew Tate/Logan Paul types - hypermasculine, full of internalized misogyny & internalized homophobia, anger issues, self-destructive (through addiction) and don't realize it.
It's..... a journey, that I'm still healing from & trying to unpack.
What I realized recently:
A lot of my exes have been players, DL, addicts, abusive toward me, or just downright take me for granted.
I have yet another DL ex who has taken me for granted; we dated long distance, and I'd been wanting to see him for sometime (and his brother is also my ex, who I dumped for the exact same reason).
With both of them being my most recent exes, this reminded me of all the betrayal from men and exes I've overcome, all the hurt, shame and pain I've had from affairs I've had, both sides of my family being homophobic (but hating me for totally different reasons, while still abandoning me and doing "abuse by proxy" to punish me), and so much more.
Every time I meet someone healthy and sane who seems to fall in love with me, I begin to open up and they are terrified and they run - and months into our relationship (and sometimes weeks in), I'm forced to wipe away tears, stay strong, and say, "Another one's gone."
I stayed single for 6 months, and resisted dating again - because I had an intuitive feeling I'd get played again.
But I never listen - and I hate that about me; when I tell myself, "Stop dating a**holes, because you never learned from the ones that ruined your life and the ones who cheated on you", I still seem to lead with my heart, and only lead with my brain if I'm dumped or dumping them myself.
I grew up in a traditional, Christian fundamentalist family (between the Deep South and the Northeast US), and having an opinion was considered "talking back" when I was growing up; so when I was older, I rebelled and got power that I never had - and enjoyed that adrenaline rush.
The more abuse I went through at home (my mother is a narcissist, and I'm her only son & only child & she also dates toxic men), the more I started to become a serial dater and people-pleaser in relationships (thank goodness I'm not a people-pleaser anymore though; I learned my lesson).
My parents were married until my dad's death and both my parents were around - even though my mom was the toxic one and my mom's family refuses to acknowledge her being abusive at all, and it makes me hate them - which is why I cut them out my life recently.
The problem with that was, just like with my dad's side of the family abandoning me (my siblings and paternal lineage were never discussed unless someone on his side passed away), my mom's side were the ones who became abusive too, when my mom was not; my mom enabled it, enjoyed it, and even laughs about it and smiles while speaking about the abuse.
Quite frankly, in my 27 years of knowing her, I can confidently say she is an undetected psychopath who has Munchausen's By Proxy, and I was her victim.
I had so much shame about being a rebel that I drowned with my addiction (and it only got worse after my breakups, from around 2016 until my sobriety in January 2020), and way too much betrayal from exes and men I wanted to take the next step to be "more than friends" (and they promised this to my face), until one day, they let me down easy by saying things such as, "This is my way of saying I don't want to talk to you" - and I'd just be fighting back puddles of tears, after every broken heart.
In a lot of ways, I'm still having to fight back tears, but not as much as before (Maybe it's an adulting thing, maybe it's me trying not to look weak - I get that from my mom, but I guess I also get it from the betrayal of my exes and guys who refuse to make amends with me, who were nice one minute, and the next, ghost me and want nothing to do with me - and some I had affairs with for several years - which is something I'm still ashamed to speak about, because I truly loved them and was also severely betrayed and let down in the process).
It's now June 2023, and I've gone through yet another betrayal with an ex (and his brother is also my ex, which I'm not mad at, but the facts of the matter are just that).
I had a lot of resentment toward men, resentment toward women (I've only dated 2 women, and the one woman I've had a crush on currently - for quite a few years - I almost met, but our schedules got in the way in 2017, so I wrote 3 songs about her, which I haven't even looked at in 6 years now; I don't even know where those lyric sheets are anymore).
I've been a "side man" (I don't use the term "side chick" for obvious reasons), I've lied to protect exes, I've been hurt by men I loved, and hurt men who loved me.
I've also been deeply betrayed - and I have trouble with being able to say I will find the marriage and family goal that I truly want my life to lead toward, in the future.
The reason I fell for my exes in the first place, was because they're all unique and different; the world rejected them, and they met me at a strange time in both our lives; and from there, we developed a connection.
But I still hold onto those memories, and bring them up all the time - I just wonder if I'll ever find those special partners (I'm polyamorous) who will motivate me and see + accept me for who I am, flaws and all.
But I just can't see that happening.
Why can't I see that happening?
I've already typed this post out; surely, some sentiment or two, may jump out at you, as to the reason why?
I'm human - I'm not my past, but all I can do, is move forward.
The problem is, I don't know how.
