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Twenty-year-old Kacie Dingess hails from a small town southwest of Akron where everybody knows your name and evidently who you're giving oral sex to. Like most college-age women Kacie is addicted to her cell phone, hence can Snapchat photos and text like van Cliburn played Rachmaninoff. Coincidentally, a socio-cultural light-year away up in the western suburbs of Cleveland, the Browns' quarterback Baker Mayfield was in throes of unfulfilled sexual lust. Somehow their two worlds intersected in a parking lot of The Cheesecake Factory at Crocker Park Mall in Westlake, Ohio.
Such an unlikely hook-up is not unprecedented in the annals of sports. PGA superstar Tiger Woods, then married to Swedish bombshell Elin Nordegren, put his best moves on an International House of Pancakes waitress with an irresistible offer for her to play with his putter. But usually in the hyper-competitive arena of elite athletes, they are as competitive in the bedroom as they are on playing field and every one of them would like to be seen with a hottie that would put an erection on Rodin's Thinker. It's a Darwinian theory of selection driven by massive male sports ego and testosterone which (one would think) would leave most rejected women crushed, broken-hearted and depressed.
But since most things associated with the word "Cleveland" are in retrograde orbit around the Sun, such anthropological evolutionary logic doesn't follow the whims of modern contemporary women on the prowl like Kacie Dingess. Young Kacie, most likely, was simply curious what lay underneath Baker Mayfield's tight jersey pants. Much to her surprise and disappointment, the star quarterback's weapon was not a cannon but a bent pea shooter.
Naturally she ended-up on one of Cleveland's most popular morning drive-time shows, Rover's Morning Glory, to share to the world her findings and Baker Mayfield's shortcomings. A second woman called-in to the show confirming Dingess' sad analysis of Mayfield's man-meat. Lest anyone think she was viewing only a partial hard-on, she flashed photographic cell phone evidence to all in the studio. Said a show assistant: "He's squeezing his balls for every last quarter-of-and-inch!" To add more female insult to phallic injury, both women reported Baker's two-minute performance as "not that memorable" and "I tell my (boyfriends) they're way bigger."
Next season as Baker Mayfield lines-up under center for the Browns, he can look across at the opposition's enormous defensive line just waiting for the snap of the ball, knowing each and every one of them have memorized all of his intimate statistics, something that should gleefully give them the strength of ten Grinches plus two.
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