Caught on a dating site...

[Daisymay1]

I was giving advice to my nephew yesterday...

He was forwarded a link to his girlfriend's dating site app. She had 4 pics up on the site. One with my grand daughter which pizzed me off.

He confronted her and she lied by denying anything doing with dating sites. They have been dating 5 years they are 30 and engaged 18 months.

He confronted her with the link and she gave the password He found her talking to a few guys. He dumped the dating app and they fought.

She said she don't remember anything from the site and did not pay for it. She said she don't remember names or what she talked about she denied even being asked on a date.

She said she was curious and never wanted to date. She said she was looking for attention and when guys talked a lot she got off the site for while.

This took place from Christmas to new years. She was avoiding my nephew after 9pm every night during that time period. He said she also took the location off her pics at the same time. She denies this.

He is having a tough time getting past this and don't believe her when she says she don't remember. I tend to agree. She denied communicating with anybody and denied any type of Skyping or sending pictures.

From what I told you I'm looking for opinions I have no idea what to say to his kid. I'm heartbroken for him because he can't get past it.

Thanks

 

[Tight_N_Juicy]

He's 30. Why are you referring to him as a "kid"?

How should I know what you should tell him? I've never met him.

What I would tell anyone in the described situation: I don't do drama. If you wanna play that game, go for it. Don't expect me to listen to the tragic stories of failed love.

 

[deleted924715]

Two things I would tell anyone in a similar situation:

1) Go with your gut
2) When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time

 

[MickeyLee]

Tell your nephew to have an adult conversation with his fiancee. He's a grown-ass man, engaged to be married. It's time for him to put on his big boy pants and decide if he trusts the woman he is planning to marry. *edit* And the mother of his child.

This whole story sounds like a future episode of Jerry Springer *blink*

She was curious about what the reaction would be to her pics. He read the communications between her and the men. No dates were made. Unless he specifically stated, and she agreed, those online flirtations were not outside of the relationship's parameters. She has done nothing wrong.

 

[286798]

The lie is the big issue. I can understand questioning "am i making the right decision? Is there a better match for me?" and looking around on a dating site. Had she said "i shouldnt have done it, but i wanted to see if someone tripped my trigger BEFORE we made it permanent", i could give her a pass.

BUT he just learned how she'll respond to future crises... deny and deflect.

 

[SoaringSpirit]

Its hard to judge unless its YOU in that situation. I found out some things early on, upset me....in the context of our situation then....it stopped. Completely. Had it continued then it would have been over.

 

[AlteredEgo]

I'm a bit reluctant to advise folks I don't know.

I was dating a guy who got kind of distant. I understood this because he was a widower, and it was around the time of his late wife's birthday and their wedding anniversary. I understood that even though she'd been gone a couple of years, he was feeling guilty. He moved all his stuff to "her" side of his bed so I wouldn't sleep on that side anymore. We stopped having sex. Conversations were different, less warmth, less laughter. But something told me to check the dating app on which we'd met, and check the date of his last login. So, I did. It was recent, and we'd been exclusive for several months by then. In conjunction with the distance, and two posts I'd seen on Facebook referring to his late wife as either "My baby" or "My queen" I was very much put out. I confronted him about these things, and my feelings. We'd already been past "I love you" and I'd even taken care of him through a stint in hospital, and so my heart was really on the line. He'd come into my life with a little luggage, but I was firmly committed. At first, he said he didn't know why he'd logged in, but that he wasn't looking for anyone. I asked him if he loved me, and he hesitated. When he spoke, he said, "I don't know. I really like you." I immediately broke up with him. Eventually, he said he'd logged in to go over our old messages, and that's all he'd done, but I was feeling too insecure in the relationship to believe that. I still love him very much, but even though he's sworn he loves me and always has, and says he wishes he'd have just been able to say so, and never should have let me leave, I just won't ever feel secure. I can't do doubt. I cannot. Sometimes I still make love with him, but I can't commit to him again. I can't. I want to, but the very idea raises my stress level palpably.

I also married the wrong man, and had lots of affairs, with his blessing.

I tell you this to provide background for my perspective. It is from this history that I draw my conclusions.

Why did she need validation from outsiders? What is lacking between them that she doesn't feel beautiful, or attended? What is missing that is so important she would risk discovery? I mean, if I just wanted attention, I'd pick a city where we knew no one, and pretend that was my location. Not that I've ever felt that hard-up for attention, but if I needed to be discreet, and be sure it would never get back to him AND use pictures of my own face...

She gave him the password, so I think I'd be inclined to believe she never accepted any dates. But there's still the problem that she felt lonely enough in his company to seek attention and validation elsewhere. This is serious, and no way to start marriage. And I say this as a woman who was in a nearly sexless marriage that wasn't even consummated for two whole weeks in the beginning.

Whether or not he stays should probably depend on whether or not they are both prepared for an extreme level of intimacy and honesty. There is a lack of trust between them on both sides. She doesn't trust him enough to be explicit about her needs (assuming she didn't address her dissatisfaction and he didn't ignore it). He doesn't trust her not to cheat on him (and with good reason). She doesn't even trust him enough to be honest when she's busted dead to rights. He cannot afford to trust her to be faithful to him as long as she lacks faith in him. They absolutely must not marry until that is well sorted.

When they do marry, if they marry, they definitely need a pre-nuptial agreement. It should have an infidelity clause, and should account for their children, assets, and liabilities.

I'm sorry he finds himself in this position.

 

[286798]

AE is so wise.

 

[918177]

I don't believe a word of this cock and bull story.

Peddle your faux drama elsewhere.

 

[AlteredEgo]

AE is so wise.

I've just seen some stuff and some things.


Thanks.

 

[Daisymay1]

Thank you for your time and consideration. I appreciate it very much

 

[EllieP]

I will trust anyone until they give me a reason not to trust them. The effort required to regain that trust is more than anyone has been willing to expend. So they go in the book, and I never forget.

There are too many variables in this story that have knocked the wheels off of it. And there appears to be no effort to put them back. All of the effort is trying to convince someone that the wheels are still there.

 

[Holly Doors]

Well, just my opinion, she must obviously remember what she's done, probably lying without thinking. best to come clean where honesty is concerned, thing is she may well be innocent in that she was only attention seeking and getting a little pleasure. we're all different and have different desires, if she enjoys being a tease then that's what she likes, maybe dating sites are the wrong place, she'd be better off in a Fb group or something. thing is with all these sites available these days people are going to explore, if it fills a gap for her great, it's better she does that than actually going off cheating. they need to talk it through, maybe your nephew would enjoy a little online teasing himself and do it as a couple! We should embrace our desires not try or be forced to shut them down X