Cheating In A Sexless Relationship

[NorthBear306]

I'm sure this has been covered at length but since I'm new here and I also have some experience in this area I thought I'd start a new thread.
Just wondering what people's thoughts are on cheating in a sexless relationship. Do you feel guilty? If you're not the one in the relationship but hooking up with someone that is....do you feel guilty at all?
Also, what do people that no longer want sex expect of their partner....is the partner just supposed to now not want sex either? Does long periods without sex make them a little suspicious?

I've never cheated but I have been with a married guy numerous times (maybe multiple married men...not sure). His wife stopped wanting sex after having a couple of kids and he has a pretty high sex drive. This led him to getting his first blowjob from a man (not me) and that started the whole ball rolling. Now he absolutely enjoys men purely for sexual purposes...something I can relate to.
I don't feel bad at all...he needs that kind of attention (as we all do) and I was more than happy to provide that for him.

 

[swingfun]

I'm just going to say this..my first marriage was much like that. I had a much higher sex drive than she did. I tried to work with her but all I got was I must be cheating on her blah blah blah. I wasnt. I did find out she was the one cheating. I found someone and started having sex again. I didn't really feel guilty. Our marriage ended not long after that. My second ( current) is a hundred times better.

 

[51arledge]

@NorthBear306 This is topic I have shared about a great deal, but so many people need to deal with your situation that I think the topic is always worth bringing up again.


I've been with my husband for 33+ years. We felt like soul mates when we met at the height of the AIDS epidemic. We still feel like soul mates most days, but we discovered that we were sexually complementary. We were both tops and that limited us to oral and mutual masturbation. He stopped initiating sex, and then 2 knee operations later, his pain levels were such that no sex was going to happen. Then he had some very severe (and on-going) health issues such that even physical intimacy like hugging or spooning became impossible.

I care for him daily in a role like a home nurse, but there's nothing in return for me. Physically, emotionally, and sexually it's very frustrating. After a disastrous attempt at a holiday 8 years ago, I said, "If we don't get marriage counseling, I'm going to have to leave you even though I live you dearly and I know you will end up in a nursing home without me in your life."

Over the course of 18 months of therapy, he realized that he had to give me freedom to find intimacy. It has been a life saver for me. To feel desired, to feel desire for someone else, to have an emotional life apart from the drama of playing nurse.

Esther Perel in her books "State of Affairs" and "Mating in Captivity" makes the point that because our culture has gone from a village structure to a nuclear family structure, we have tried to make our spouse responsible for all our emotional, physical, spiritual, and sexual needs. It's a heavy burden and our culture and our relationships would function better with more fluidity in roles.

Dan Savage ("Savage Love") has a concept "cost of admission " regarding how much of our spouse's burden we have to accept and at what cost. If my husband will let me have a FB or a couple of suck buddies, it makes me more willing to accept my responsibilities to him.

I don't feel guilty about what I do outside our relationship. He doesn't ask what I'm doing and I don't offer any details. Of the 4 somewhat regular FBs I've had over the years, I don't think any of them felt guilt.

I have a suck buddy that I've been seeing for 8 years. His wife is not interested in sex at all. They have children and he provides for them very well. He's a respected and successful businessman, but he needs some fun in his life and I provide that. Neither of us has any illusions nor any guilt.

 

[marriedasian]

the real answer here is: it depends... sadly.

first off, i don't support either choice because i'm supportive of both choices: to not cheat and to cheat. both of them have their merits. i've seen and met too many couples in my lifetime to know that it's not black and white. it's not that simple because usually it's the other person that controls this and it's out of your control so that leaves you in quite a predicament.

let's define "cheating". in my response, cheating means you're physically and emotionally getting sexual pleasure from other than your significant partner because your partner refuses to give it to you in one shape, form, or another. i'll argue both sides:

TO NOT CHEAT: i've always been a believer that if you're thinking about cheating or just waiting for that chance to cheat then the relationship is already over. i would implore you to put together an exit strategy and cut your losses if you can afford to. living in a sexless relationship is no fun and mentally taxing especially if sex is pretty high ranking in your priorities for what makes a good relationship and/or marriage. it's better to cut your ties to this other person and be free to go have as much sex as you want with other people and not have to worry about being caught and therefore suffering the consequences. if you're married, it may be worse depending on local family laws.

TO CHEAT: for some people, this is the only option, particularly in marriages or where there are kids involved. you might be in a position where you cannot leave the marriage because you will not survive the fallout financially and/or familial-y, there are larger collateral damage that goes above and beyond your marriage if you leave, and/or marital obligation to adhering social status and commitments. i know wives and husbands whom fall into this category and have cheated while maintaining perfectly functional and loving families. i won't get into the details here but each scenario is different and once you get the whole picture, you will more than likely respect the decision whether you would personally do it or not.

the worse case is when your partner admits to no longer wanting to have sex ever again and then uses the monogamy card on you preventing you from having sex with other people. your partner literally holds sex hostage and there's nothing you can do about it. this is extreme mental abuse in a marriage especially if leaving is not an easy option.

sexless marriages are hard to diagnose and even harder to fix. i don't wish it on anyone. all i can say is to make your sexual expectations/consequences very clear from the get-go and stick to them no matter what otherwise when your partner changes their mind about sex, you'll be wishing you were more clear from the start.

 

[IgniGracia]

Its bad to cheat if you walk into the relationship knowing that there won't be sex.

If you like having sex then go with someone who will give it to you. No use in getting into a relationship with someone who doesn't want sex

 

[Sagittarius84]

Its bad to cheat if you walk into the relationship knowing that there won't be sex.

If you like having sex then go with someone who will give it to you. No use in getting into a relationship with someone who doesn't want sex

The common theme seems to be highly sexual individuals only being ok in getting in relationships because on top of everything else to be valued, sex is plentiful and enthusiastic. What comes next seems like a bait and switch.

 

[nixco]

Like marriedasian, I'm gonna go with "it depends" - but I want to make one point: you don't know for sure that he's in a sexless relationship and you can never know what someone else's relationship is like. You only have his word on that. For all you know, they have a good sex life and he's just using that as an excuse, so that he doesn't seem like a 'bad' guy. So I wouldn't recommend 'absolving' your guilt by clutching onto 'he's in a sexless relationship'.

 

[NorthBear306]

If two people have very different sexual appetites (and realize it early on) and they still continue to date then I don't feel a whole lot of sympathy for them when things fall apart.
But it's when their sex life is good for years...then changes for the worse.

 

[sketcher]

I believe you should simply be honest about what you want.

 

[Drahmin83]

I believe you should simply be honest about what you want.

The next part is... when that doesn't work? When in a dead bedroom, talking rarely does anything. Counseling is definitely the best way to try and fix it but even then its still a slow, years long, process that may be unfixable. I thought for years that cheating is always wrong, no exceptions. Now I see that there are always exceptions. Sometimes, that constant rejection from someone you love and allegedly loves you will beat you down so much that you start thinking you're the problem. That if your own spouse doesn't want you then you must be completely undesirable. In a dead bedroom cheating typically happens for psychological reasons just much, if not more, than the physical reasons.