Completely Lost with This Girl...

D_Maximum_Refund

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This story spans over several years, so I'm going to keep it as short as possible. Scroll down to the bottom for the TLDR.

I met this girl out at a bar two years ago. We hung out a few times, things went well (no sex), but she knew I was moving two hours away to law school within weeks. She sent me a three page "you're a great guy, but I can't set myself up for a long distance relationship" text, and that was that. We didn't talk much my first year at law school, but did keep in touch.

Fast forward a year and a half to last Christmas break, and we saw each other out again. We hit it off great and I told her I was going to be home for the summer (we are from the same hometown). Since that point, we texted each other pretty much daily for about six months. It got to the point that I expected to have a text from her every morning when I woke up. Now we have a million inside jokes, tons of common interests, and really enjoy each other's conversations.

So then school ended I moved home for my internship. We met out at bars on weekends (not exclusively, but intentionally met out downtown) and had a great time. I asked her to dinner, she said yes. When the date came, however, she said she got called into work. It seemed super suspicious...and unfortunately, my suspicions were confirmed. She didn't talk to me for 10 days or so, then texted me and apologized. She said she "was kind of seeing someone, but not exclusively dating," and she was too scared to just cancel on me.

For the first time, I told her how I felt about her. I got everything off my chest (excerpt): "Do I like you? I have no idea if I do or don't. But I simply continue to believe that if we were to hang out, we could have something special together. That's all."

She responded positively. She said she kind of felt the same but didn't know what to do with this other guy. She invited me to get drinks just last night. We had a great time. She even said she's never been with a guy that makes her laugh hysterically at one point, then segways to very serious conversations the next.

Bottom line (TL;DR): we have a ton of common interests, love talking to each other, and always have a great time when we hang out. BUT, she's unofficially with this other guy and I feel like the friend zone is fast approaching for us (if we're not already in it).

So, the big questions: is there any chance she likes me, and if so, what's my next move?
 

Call_Me_Daddy

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I'd ask her out to dinner again.

If she says no, then cut her off.

If she says yes, and doesn't ditch you, then flirt sexually during the date so it's obvious that the relationship has changed then lay into her when appropriate.
 

bigmatt1983

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Why?

He said he genuinely enjoys his conversations with her. If she says no, why not just move her into his friend zone and continue the friendship while focusing his romantic efforts elsewhere?


yea i never understood that. always seemed to me if you cant be friends if theres no chance of a relationship you were really only looking to get laid anyway
 

Phil Ayesho

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Look, either you want this woman, or you don't... Don't give me, nor her, that "i just have this feeling that maybe we could be good together" shit.

You already have something good... your interest and connection to her and vice versa has persisted over a long period of being away from each other.

And to the prior posters, if this guy truly WANTS this woman, then being her "friend" is only going to be a source of frustration and sorrow.
Unrequited love sucks... but, more importantly, a woman wants to feel that she is wanted enough to be worth an emotional risk.

And so a guy who wants a woman to make her choice and let's her know that his feelings are too strong for him to be satisfied with mere friend is pretty much telling her, hey, I am willing to take the risk of loving you... and I need to know if you're willing to do the same.

She doesn't want to hurt this other guys feelings... and if she can get sex from that guy... and everything else she craves from This guy... then that's just making it easy for her to do nothing.


If you are real serious about her... then just tell her, look, I can't do this anymore. I can't take the pain of being near you, of communicating with you when all I want to do is hold you, touch you, take you....
Tell her to give you a call when she realizes this other guy isn't doing it for her, ( because if he was... she wouldn't be flirting with you )
and tell her not to take too long, because, you will hold out hope she comes around... but you won't be living like a monk...
 

mistabobdobalina

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Yeah, I'll give Phil that much...

"Do I like you? I have no idea if I do or don't. But I simply continue to believe that if we were to hang out, we could have something special together. That's all."

That's seriously about as unromantic as you can get. If, after all this time, you have no idea if you like her or not romantically, this isn't the girl for you (and you're not the guy for her). It's not like this is a conversation had in the context of a blind date.
 

Call_Me_Daddy

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Why?

He said he genuinely enjoys his conversations with her. If she says no, why not just move her into his friend zone and continue the friendship while focusing his romantic efforts elsewhere?

Because she would still be satisfied with there relationship but bang other guys, while the OP on the other hand is not a happy camper. Don't let her have her cake and eat it too ;)

Now he could get down and dirty with some mind games and see how she reacts.

Say he still hangs out with her but doesn't pay her the attention he used to and now actively flirts with other woman in her presence and maybe picks a few up while she watches, her friends would be even better. She may become jealous and realize this guy not going to be available much longer and make her move.
 
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Phil Ayesho

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Don't play mind games... that's for children and guys who aren't quite men.

You want a good relationship? Then enter into one that presses you both to step up into adulthood and deal with each other directly, honestly and passionately.

Its partly why you don't want to just let things lie... living in a half-relationship... being her intellectual and emotional support while being denied the sexual component... that is all letting her play games. Its not what you want... and, really, its not what any woman worth being with wants.

So press her to step up and into your arms... and if she won't... then she just doesn't want or isn't ready for a relationship that holds that potential for growth.

Just as men need to understand that women have a narrow window in which to have children if they want them... and that they need to step up to that responsibility for a good woman, men need to make women understand that their futures with you are not an open ended offer.

Not choosing to be with you is Still a choice. And all offers are limited time only.

Its a two way street... if you don't SHOW a woman you are bold enough to make your desire clear... you end up in the friend zone.

And if they don't take you up on an offer of relationship... That offer expires because you will seek a woman who will reciprocate and there's no telling how soon that might pop up.