Denial/self-acceptance
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I'm not in denial... But I have a problem with my self-image... thinking that the sterotypical gay man is usually well put together, I have no self-confidence when it comes to the 'gay lifestyle' per se... This has been an ongoing thing for about 6 years... and I can't seem to shake it.
I think it's the very high upkeep mainstream gayness that made me this way.. Idk, not really about the subject at hand, but.. as a gay man, I think this is also a hurdle to overcome, anyone else?
I think it's the very high upkeep mainstream gayness that made me this way.. Idk, not really about the subject at hand, but.. as a gay man, I think this is also a hurdle to overcome, anyone else?
What do you mean? You don't feel like your persona is stereotypically gay enough? Do you mean well put together as in appearance, grooming, etc. or in their approach to others and what they want as gay men?
Both, I suppose.. I don't feel as put together and confident visually or mentally as some out and proud guys are.. I guess it could have something to do with living in eastern Kentucky... Idk, ijustine have a few issues I suppose. Lmao
this was like years ago for me when I was like 9 or 10 when I accepted that I was gay and i came out at 13. That was a mistake...
rbkwp
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after checking to see if i can post in this thread ...
I chose NOT to come out ever, and have no regrets
I have made myself available for support groups Parades and the like, but still not 'come out' in the usual sense
Never told my Parents or brothers or sisters .. if any asked i would not deny it, none have asked, but both they and i KNOW what my obvious preferences are ..i am pretty much a Straight looking macho type Gay ..whatever they look like
I think this approach denotes a total respect by both parties,towards each other, and i dont believe the BS that i am lying to myself, or others, they can ask me, and i have always, even when from 23 odd was going to tell them the truth;
As for being unfair to the Gay community and the Gay cause,i say BS to that as previously stated i have supported the cause time and again.
A straight mate, 4/5 wives many G Children, tracked me down after years of our being out of touch, i felt a need to TELL him i was Gay .. he never knew, and never wanted to know at the time we knocked around together, or asked even when we met last year. absolutely NO problems
So no
i have not denied, and have been of a self acceptance mode mostly ( apart from the usual younger confused years
I chose NOT to come out ever, and have no regrets
I have made myself available for support groups Parades and the like, but still not 'come out' in the usual sense
Never told my Parents or brothers or sisters .. if any asked i would not deny it, none have asked, but both they and i KNOW what my obvious preferences are ..i am pretty much a Straight looking macho type Gay ..whatever they look like
I think this approach denotes a total respect by both parties,towards each other, and i dont believe the BS that i am lying to myself, or others, they can ask me, and i have always, even when from 23 odd was going to tell them the truth;
As for being unfair to the Gay community and the Gay cause,i say BS to that as previously stated i have supported the cause time and again.
A straight mate, 4/5 wives many G Children, tracked me down after years of our being out of touch, i felt a need to TELL him i was Gay .. he never knew, and never wanted to know at the time we knocked around together, or asked even when we met last year. absolutely NO problems
So no
i have not denied, and have been of a self acceptance mode mostly ( apart from the usual younger confused years
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The biggest obstacle I had to overcome was fear.
I wasn't comfortable with being gay because I had been raised to believe that homosexuality is a sin and it's a choice (and a bad one, at that). What I had been trying to do, then, was "make" myself straight to make my parents happy. I thought it would help me, too, but the reality was that I made myself miserable and I didn't even know it. I thought it was my conflict with being gay, but the truth is that it was my conflict with being straight.
I'm saying all of this in hindsight, of course, so it's quite easy to say and realize what had actually been happening. But I was afraid to disappoint my parents, and that's fear #1.
Another part of fear #1 was that I would not have a family. Not in a way that my parents had envisioned for me, at least. I would have a spouse, but not a wife. And my dad wants me to have children to continue the bloodline (as I'm his only child), but I want children, regardless. What I had to learn and research was that I could have my own kids through other schemes aside from "traditional" sex, and that helped a lot.
Fear #2 was becoming comfortable with being gay in the first place, and I think this is the core of this topic. What helped was having so much support (from the media, and eventually from people I care about) and realizing that being gay is not wrong. Besides, I love men (sexually) way too much to deny being gay. I realized this when I was trying to make myelf straight... I was depressed and conflicted, and when I took out the source of the conflict, I became happier.
And then I had sex with a man in March 2012, and it was amazing. My first kiss with a man... Magical. Electrifying. This is when I knew for a fact that I was gay. And you know what? I liked it. A lot.
I put aside what my parents wanted for me and decided to further explore my sexuality and do what I wanted. And the more I realized that being gay wasn't so wrong, the more comfortable I became with being gay. I went to Pride Weekend in NYC in June 2012, and I had such a good weekend. I was even a bit overwhelmed... But it was something I felt I needed to experience.
Fear #3 would be being afraid of what others would think of me. Would my parents disown me? Where would I go? Who could I trust? What would my friends think of me? Would they still be friends? Would I still have friends?
What I had been doing for so many years was ponder these in my mind and never thought to figure out what were the answers. And so what I finally decided to do in April 2012 was come out to my three best girl friends. It helped that I knew they would take it so well, but even if they didn't, my philosophy eventually became that if my friends didn't like me because I was gay, then they shouldn't be my friends, anyway. And I would rather be myself in public instead of hiding it, so I decided to face this fear and tell them. Then I told my mom, then my dad and stepmom (and my step-brother), my brother, and two of my best guy friends. All in the past few months since writing this post.
My dad's initial reaction was rather disappointing. He's coming to terms with it, though, and while he initially didn't want me to visit again, he's asked me since to visit twice - go figure. He's told me that I'm still his son and he doesn't love me any less, and he just wants me to be happy. But it's going to take him a while to realize that I am much happier being gay than trying to be straight.
Everyone else has expressed love and support and no difference of opinion on me. In fact, I was worried most about what my guy friends would think, but they took it the best out of everyone else I told. They had no reaction to what I said - whether it was because it came as no surprise to them or because they really didn't care, it clearly didn't matter. Either way, they must have liked me whether or not I was gay. One of them even said that he's known me for so long that he knows I'm so much more than gay: I'm his friend.
Once I was able to get over fear #2 (and overcoming fear #1 played a pretty big part of that), my ability to face fear #3 was so much easier.
Generally, I think accepting yourself is a lot easier once you eliminate all the toxic from your life - whether it's separating yourself from certain people or moving to a different location, get rid of whatever might be holding you back. And keep all the support and love you can get. But, my biggest piece of advice is to be true to yourself, and it will go uphill from there.
I wasn't comfortable with being gay because I had been raised to believe that homosexuality is a sin and it's a choice (and a bad one, at that). What I had been trying to do, then, was "make" myself straight to make my parents happy. I thought it would help me, too, but the reality was that I made myself miserable and I didn't even know it. I thought it was my conflict with being gay, but the truth is that it was my conflict with being straight.
I'm saying all of this in hindsight, of course, so it's quite easy to say and realize what had actually been happening. But I was afraid to disappoint my parents, and that's fear #1.
Another part of fear #1 was that I would not have a family. Not in a way that my parents had envisioned for me, at least. I would have a spouse, but not a wife. And my dad wants me to have children to continue the bloodline (as I'm his only child), but I want children, regardless. What I had to learn and research was that I could have my own kids through other schemes aside from "traditional" sex, and that helped a lot.
Fear #2 was becoming comfortable with being gay in the first place, and I think this is the core of this topic. What helped was having so much support (from the media, and eventually from people I care about) and realizing that being gay is not wrong. Besides, I love men (sexually) way too much to deny being gay. I realized this when I was trying to make myelf straight... I was depressed and conflicted, and when I took out the source of the conflict, I became happier.
And then I had sex with a man in March 2012, and it was amazing. My first kiss with a man... Magical. Electrifying. This is when I knew for a fact that I was gay. And you know what? I liked it. A lot.
I put aside what my parents wanted for me and decided to further explore my sexuality and do what I wanted. And the more I realized that being gay wasn't so wrong, the more comfortable I became with being gay. I went to Pride Weekend in NYC in June 2012, and I had such a good weekend. I was even a bit overwhelmed... But it was something I felt I needed to experience.
Fear #3 would be being afraid of what others would think of me. Would my parents disown me? Where would I go? Who could I trust? What would my friends think of me? Would they still be friends? Would I still have friends?
What I had been doing for so many years was ponder these in my mind and never thought to figure out what were the answers. And so what I finally decided to do in April 2012 was come out to my three best girl friends. It helped that I knew they would take it so well, but even if they didn't, my philosophy eventually became that if my friends didn't like me because I was gay, then they shouldn't be my friends, anyway. And I would rather be myself in public instead of hiding it, so I decided to face this fear and tell them. Then I told my mom, then my dad and stepmom (and my step-brother), my brother, and two of my best guy friends. All in the past few months since writing this post.
My dad's initial reaction was rather disappointing. He's coming to terms with it, though, and while he initially didn't want me to visit again, he's asked me since to visit twice - go figure. He's told me that I'm still his son and he doesn't love me any less, and he just wants me to be happy. But it's going to take him a while to realize that I am much happier being gay than trying to be straight.
Everyone else has expressed love and support and no difference of opinion on me. In fact, I was worried most about what my guy friends would think, but they took it the best out of everyone else I told. They had no reaction to what I said - whether it was because it came as no surprise to them or because they really didn't care, it clearly didn't matter. Either way, they must have liked me whether or not I was gay. One of them even said that he's known me for so long that he knows I'm so much more than gay: I'm his friend.
Once I was able to get over fear #2 (and overcoming fear #1 played a pretty big part of that), my ability to face fear #3 was so much easier.
Generally, I think accepting yourself is a lot easier once you eliminate all the toxic from your life - whether it's separating yourself from certain people or moving to a different location, get rid of whatever might be holding you back. And keep all the support and love you can get. But, my biggest piece of advice is to be true to yourself, and it will go uphill from there.
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I too, have always disliked the implications and accusations that masculine or straight-acting/straight-resembling gay men are lying to themselves or hate being gay or something. I know what type of men I'm attracted to, and I know what interests and personality I have.
It leaves me appearing and sounding straight to most people, but I don't really care. I like being this way and I don't need to adopt a stereotypical or more effeminate image of what gay men are to be happy and myself.
I also don't generally bring up being gay, myself. It just doesn't feel like it is usually natural conversation or a necessary warning. Maybe they'll catch on to it, maybe they won't. But I don't shape and navigate my social life by explaining I am gay to others.
The hardest thing for me was being a survivor of sexual child abuse and being gay. Sorting either one of those issues out is a titanic undertaking, but layering them on each other made them (for me, I'm sure not for everyone) geometrically harder. I felt like, even after I was officially out, I had to keep outing myself about the abuse to partners, like it was some sort of burden that they'd have to carry. Of course, that made it a lot harder to get close enough to guys to feel safe enough to either talk to them about my history, or to fuck them, and then there were all kinds of horrendous things that did to my self-image.
So for a long time it wasn't denial keeping me in the closet (about either issue), but just that it was too complicated and too painful to sort all that stuff out; it felt like it was just easier to avoid it all. I knew that, in the long run, it was making things harder, but in the short-term it made my life a lot less terrifying. And, ultimately, I think I sorted that out (enough to be able to date guys) when I really was ready to - meaning as a fairly confident adult, and not as a bewildered young person.
And, to speak to Catharsis' point about the fear of disappointing parents, I was petrified thinking that my parents were going to blame the abuse for turning me gay. I couldn't think of a single more awful thing that they could say to me than that, and the defences I built up because of that fear were like a bomb shelter that kept me from coming out to them. I was only just coming to the point of not feeling like it made me a terrible person that I was abused, of finally giving up all the shame that I carried, and if my parents dumped that load on me I don't know what I would have done.
So for a long time it wasn't denial keeping me in the closet (about either issue), but just that it was too complicated and too painful to sort all that stuff out; it felt like it was just easier to avoid it all. I knew that, in the long run, it was making things harder, but in the short-term it made my life a lot less terrifying. And, ultimately, I think I sorted that out (enough to be able to date guys) when I really was ready to - meaning as a fairly confident adult, and not as a bewildered young person.
And, to speak to Catharsis' point about the fear of disappointing parents, I was petrified thinking that my parents were going to blame the abuse for turning me gay. I couldn't think of a single more awful thing that they could say to me than that, and the defences I built up because of that fear were like a bomb shelter that kept me from coming out to them. I was only just coming to the point of not feeling like it made me a terrible person that I was abused, of finally giving up all the shame that I carried, and if my parents dumped that load on me I don't know what I would have done.
conclave27
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Well I cam to terms with my sexuality at 17. For years I was in denial and it took a long while to accept that I was a homosexual. It was a very long road for me.
My first homosexual memories are around age 4. Where I just liked to be around the guys. All though most people would not consider this age crucial...I knew I was a male and wanted to be around other males. I saw males as "attractive" and someone you wanted to stay with and bond. However, coming from a Catholic upbringing any signs of this were quickly stomped out. I become an introvert. What was worse is I had an older cousin who was a "Gay Screaming Queen". The family was in denial... but one day he finally confronted his parents about accepting him for who he truly was. I witnessed his family turn on him and literally beat him within an inch of his life. That cemented the thought "My family will never love me for who I really am"... I become more distant and introverted from everyone.
I shutdown emotionally... I just read books... studied... and hid amongst the nerdy geeks.
Sadly High School was place this manifested.... damn hormones. I had no idea why I truly liked men. I felt alone, cursed, and damned by the very people around. I felt like it was only a matter of time before they knew and would turn on me. I was taken advantage of by a fellow classmate whose gaydar assumed correct that I was in the closet. He gained my trust and within a few months got a notch on his belt. That act... of actually doing it made me realize one thing.....
I was still me. I wasn't some prancing queen... nor was I consumed by the fires of heaven. Although initially I felt sick to my stomach... after a few days I came to terms.... my sexuality did not make me any different than I was... and gave me hope for a normal life (which sadly is not possible in LA).
That's my tale.... thanks to all the others that shared theirs. :redface:
My first homosexual memories are around age 4. Where I just liked to be around the guys. All though most people would not consider this age crucial...I knew I was a male and wanted to be around other males. I saw males as "attractive" and someone you wanted to stay with and bond. However, coming from a Catholic upbringing any signs of this were quickly stomped out. I become an introvert. What was worse is I had an older cousin who was a "Gay Screaming Queen". The family was in denial... but one day he finally confronted his parents about accepting him for who he truly was. I witnessed his family turn on him and literally beat him within an inch of his life. That cemented the thought "My family will never love me for who I really am"... I become more distant and introverted from everyone.
I shutdown emotionally... I just read books... studied... and hid amongst the nerdy geeks.
Sadly High School was place this manifested.... damn hormones. I had no idea why I truly liked men. I felt alone, cursed, and damned by the very people around. I felt like it was only a matter of time before they knew and would turn on me. I was taken advantage of by a fellow classmate whose gaydar assumed correct that I was in the closet. He gained my trust and within a few months got a notch on his belt. That act... of actually doing it made me realize one thing.....
I was still me. I wasn't some prancing queen... nor was I consumed by the fires of heaven. Although initially I felt sick to my stomach... after a few days I came to terms.... my sexuality did not make me any different than I was... and gave me hope for a normal life (which sadly is not possible in LA).
That's my tale.... thanks to all the others that shared theirs. :redface:
I came to terms with it at age 12, but I was in denial about it until age 23. It was a very long and lonely road for me, too.
I could have written that about myself. You put it much better than I could have.
Same here, but minor differences. Really, the only difference is that I'm the only homosexual on either side of my family. Or, at least, I'm the only one that isn't closeted and married just to make it look like I'm living a straight life. I struggle with some of that stuff to this day, although it doesn't drag me down like it did in my wayward youth.
Both of my parents (especially my father) were homophobic. Between the nasty comments and belittling jokes my dad told about gay people during my growing up, it pretty much ruined any sense of self esteem that I had as a child, which followed me into adulthood.
When I was 23, my very best (and closest) friend in the world discovered the "secret" that I'd been hiding for many years. His response to it dictated how the rest of my circle of friends would respond to this discovery (he's something of the "Alpha Male" of our group). It also drew us closer. We're still the absolute best of friends today. What he doesn't realize is that his response to my homosexuality changed who I was, and how I viewed myself on many different levels. By him accepting me for who I was, allowed ME to accept myself for who I am. He's the only person that ever really did accept me for who I am, and is the only person that has been able to get through to me that I was, am, and always will be totally normal. The only question he had was why I never told him. When I told him that I was afraid he'd beat me and/or kill me because of some of the homophobic remarks and cracks he made over the years, he turned white as a sheet and profusely apologized. That's when I knew that he actually cared about me as a person, and that I no longer had to live in fear because if anyone would protect me, it would be him. Even though we're each 36 years old nowadays, I know he's got my back and if anyone says or does anything to hurt me, I feel VERY sorry for that person. He/she will have more trouble on their hands than they're prepared to deal with. That's a fact.
He's my rock, and he knows it. I can only imagine what I would have turned into had he rejected me. I shudder at the thought, actually.
I haven't come out yet, but there have been stages of understanding who I am and how that affects my "world", from feeling more into man at an early age, I never really looked at women in "that" way, never, not even as a child, then starting to look at gay porn, then saying to myself "I'm gay", then understanding what that meant, and then feeling good about who I am, I never felt mad, or bad or anything, it came so naturally to me, it would be weird to feel anything but self-acceptance.
I posted this on my facebook and another site. I am ethnically Hmong (minority from SE Asia), born in Thailand, but been "here" since I was three. I'm a first generation and our family carries very traditional values and customs. So yea, it's a b*tch, haha.
My story is long, so like CNN, here are the main points:
* My family is very traditional, which makes it hard being the eldest son in a large extended family
* Coming out was one of the hardest things to do, especially early on and in my teens
* Coming out is also one of the most rewarding feelings I have experienced, as a whole to each person I cared enough to tell personally
* I realized I cannot hide it from my parents and family, but I also found out they have had suspicions
* News spreads FAST in our city's Hmong community
* My parents now know that Im gay, but my dads refusal to talk about it and my moms desire for me to change is difficult, and we have never really had a real talk about it
* I want to my significant other to be Hmong (ideally, not a requirement)
* I understand that I am much more open now because of my attitudes and philosophy on life, but for other Hmong it can be overwhelming and seemingly impossible to accept themselves let alone tell others
My story is a long one, but I hope it will be a good read and more so, that it will help anyone out there who is struggling through what I have. It really does it better.
My family is very traditional in all terms of being Hmong; religiously, ideals, values, beliefs, etc. I am the oldest son and my dad is a middle son of a large family, with my grandpa and his two wives. Although born in Vinai, we came to the US when I was about 3 and all my memories are here in the Midwest. I almost said that I was pretty much raised American, but that would be false; I have always been different. I don't eat the same foods that my friends eat at home, I don't know the music that they know from their parents, I couldn't play sports or even go to other friends' houses.
My parents, my family and my culture are everything to me. I got good grades and was told to be a doctor (LOL). I babysat my siblings and cousins for hours, even though I was only 7 years old. I'm used to being different and to putting my family's needs first. And then around 6th grade, I noticed I was more different, and about 8th grade I realized I was gay.
At the start of middle school in the 6th grade, many of my friends started dating. Guys and girls just started pairing and walking to school together, or hanging by eachother's lockers or a mix of everything and proudly proclaiming it to the entire 6th class. To me, it seemed natural so I too looked for a girl mate. I would try here and there, chicken out and then just move on, not thinking about it too much. I retrospect, I did flirt with an 8th grade girl a lot and we teased each other well, but I guess I just never knew enough to make a move.
Then in 7th, I transferred schools and WOW. Couples were the thing. Notes were passed, hands were written on and everyday homeroom gossip started with who was dating who. I played the game, but it was just a game to me. It was then I started noticing that I was more attracted to the guys. It wasn't until summer ended and we started 8th grade that rumor spread that one of the popular guys admitted he was gay (He's mika). Then it hit me that perhaps, most probably, I too was gay.
I was scared. I was confused. But more than anything, I was ashamed. Ashamed not for me, but for my parents and my family. What would others think and say? I decided I would suppress it. And it was easy; I wasnt feminine and I hung around with all the other Hmong guys.
But I felt more comfortable with the girls, and thats where I went wrong. In the days of MSN chat, I told one of the Hmong girls to keep a secret because we were such good friends online. And for a good summer I thought she did. Turns out that by ninth grade, all her girls knew I was gay. They never told anyone else nor made a big deal out of it, I just found out from another girl when I came out to her. I felt betrayed, yet at the same time relaxed. These girls treated me no different and between them, my secret stayed. I was safe.
In the 10th grade, I came out to a very good mika friend of mine. He was the first mika person I was close to and we did a lot of extra-curriculars together. He was also attractive and I fell for him. As a sophomore, I adopted a new policy to life that I still carry on today, which is to live life with the least amount of regrets. Being naïve, I traded the safety of a hidden secret with the possibility of love. So I sent him an email.
He ripped me apart in that email. We didnt talk again until my senior year (he later apologizes for being immature and ignorantly scared).
Luckily, because we stopped hanging out, I started hanging out with two Hmong friends who became my best friends in high school. I eventually came out to them. It was one of the scariest things in my life. It was risky, but figured that I had just lost a friend and that in the short months Id known them, if they couldnt accept me either then I could find new friends.
But they were fine with it. And life moved on.
I followed the same pattern, telling a few friends; risking the friendship so far for a deeper friendship. My freshman year in college, the entire Hmong population knew about me after I came out to few loud-mouthers or radios we called them. I was pretty devastated, but it has been one of the best feelings and learning experience for me. The following year, the freshman got word about me. Thing is, many Thirsty Thursday parties were held at my place since at heart I am a partier and drinker lol. One day after two of the freshmen guys found out from someone else, they confronted one of my friends. To this day, I value that friend for sticking up. He asked them why they were so afraid and concerned and they couldnt respond. They are good friends to this day.
The biggest part of my coming out story is my parents. My mom, being a Hmong lady, always asked me things indirectly, such as in high school she knew that we skipped, but would say that an aunt thought she saw us at the store. My mom would call sometimes and tell me she had weird dreams about an old lady seeing me with another guy. My mom would say she is just worried after I tell her its just a dream. She would say she hears from so and so that I only hang out with guys while away at college and if its true.
On one such occasion at home, while discussing my education, life and finances, my mom brought it up. And at that point, I was just like f*ck it, yes mom, yes.
I lied. She brought it up, I said that in my head, but my mouth just uttered thov txim. Kuv thov txim, as tears rolled down my face. My dad said nothing. And my mom did something that surprised, angered and saddened me. She asked me to change. Ko kuv pauv.
And I lied again, and said I would. And we left it at that and it has been like that since.
Although I am saddened by the experience with my parents, the positive experience and affirmations from my friends, brothers and cousins give me strength where I thought there would be none. I still struggle when coming out to someone. I still struggle with saying those words, "I am gay". I would feel weird amongst OGs talking about it. I was once so young and so scared and confused, but through mistakes, risks and honesty, I have found that being sexual orientation is such a minor part of who someone is. Yet, it is a huge political, religious and personal conflict. But to anyone who is, or knows someone who is, struggling through being gay or lesbian, know that it does indeed get better.
Thank you for taking time to read long my story. Feel free to respond with anything here, or message me. Feel free to share this.
My story is long, so like CNN, here are the main points:
* My family is very traditional, which makes it hard being the eldest son in a large extended family
* Coming out was one of the hardest things to do, especially early on and in my teens
* Coming out is also one of the most rewarding feelings I have experienced, as a whole to each person I cared enough to tell personally
* I realized I cannot hide it from my parents and family, but I also found out they have had suspicions
* News spreads FAST in our city's Hmong community
* My parents now know that Im gay, but my dads refusal to talk about it and my moms desire for me to change is difficult, and we have never really had a real talk about it
* I want to my significant other to be Hmong (ideally, not a requirement)
* I understand that I am much more open now because of my attitudes and philosophy on life, but for other Hmong it can be overwhelming and seemingly impossible to accept themselves let alone tell others
My story is a long one, but I hope it will be a good read and more so, that it will help anyone out there who is struggling through what I have. It really does it better.
My family is very traditional in all terms of being Hmong; religiously, ideals, values, beliefs, etc. I am the oldest son and my dad is a middle son of a large family, with my grandpa and his two wives. Although born in Vinai, we came to the US when I was about 3 and all my memories are here in the Midwest. I almost said that I was pretty much raised American, but that would be false; I have always been different. I don't eat the same foods that my friends eat at home, I don't know the music that they know from their parents, I couldn't play sports or even go to other friends' houses.
My parents, my family and my culture are everything to me. I got good grades and was told to be a doctor (LOL). I babysat my siblings and cousins for hours, even though I was only 7 years old. I'm used to being different and to putting my family's needs first. And then around 6th grade, I noticed I was more different, and about 8th grade I realized I was gay.
At the start of middle school in the 6th grade, many of my friends started dating. Guys and girls just started pairing and walking to school together, or hanging by eachother's lockers or a mix of everything and proudly proclaiming it to the entire 6th class. To me, it seemed natural so I too looked for a girl mate. I would try here and there, chicken out and then just move on, not thinking about it too much. I retrospect, I did flirt with an 8th grade girl a lot and we teased each other well, but I guess I just never knew enough to make a move.
Then in 7th, I transferred schools and WOW. Couples were the thing. Notes were passed, hands were written on and everyday homeroom gossip started with who was dating who. I played the game, but it was just a game to me. It was then I started noticing that I was more attracted to the guys. It wasn't until summer ended and we started 8th grade that rumor spread that one of the popular guys admitted he was gay (He's mika). Then it hit me that perhaps, most probably, I too was gay.
I was scared. I was confused. But more than anything, I was ashamed. Ashamed not for me, but for my parents and my family. What would others think and say? I decided I would suppress it. And it was easy; I wasnt feminine and I hung around with all the other Hmong guys.
But I felt more comfortable with the girls, and thats where I went wrong. In the days of MSN chat, I told one of the Hmong girls to keep a secret because we were such good friends online. And for a good summer I thought she did. Turns out that by ninth grade, all her girls knew I was gay. They never told anyone else nor made a big deal out of it, I just found out from another girl when I came out to her. I felt betrayed, yet at the same time relaxed. These girls treated me no different and between them, my secret stayed. I was safe.
In the 10th grade, I came out to a very good mika friend of mine. He was the first mika person I was close to and we did a lot of extra-curriculars together. He was also attractive and I fell for him. As a sophomore, I adopted a new policy to life that I still carry on today, which is to live life with the least amount of regrets. Being naïve, I traded the safety of a hidden secret with the possibility of love. So I sent him an email.
He ripped me apart in that email. We didnt talk again until my senior year (he later apologizes for being immature and ignorantly scared).
Luckily, because we stopped hanging out, I started hanging out with two Hmong friends who became my best friends in high school. I eventually came out to them. It was one of the scariest things in my life. It was risky, but figured that I had just lost a friend and that in the short months Id known them, if they couldnt accept me either then I could find new friends.
But they were fine with it. And life moved on.
I followed the same pattern, telling a few friends; risking the friendship so far for a deeper friendship. My freshman year in college, the entire Hmong population knew about me after I came out to few loud-mouthers or radios we called them. I was pretty devastated, but it has been one of the best feelings and learning experience for me. The following year, the freshman got word about me. Thing is, many Thirsty Thursday parties were held at my place since at heart I am a partier and drinker lol. One day after two of the freshmen guys found out from someone else, they confronted one of my friends. To this day, I value that friend for sticking up. He asked them why they were so afraid and concerned and they couldnt respond. They are good friends to this day.
The biggest part of my coming out story is my parents. My mom, being a Hmong lady, always asked me things indirectly, such as in high school she knew that we skipped, but would say that an aunt thought she saw us at the store. My mom would call sometimes and tell me she had weird dreams about an old lady seeing me with another guy. My mom would say she is just worried after I tell her its just a dream. She would say she hears from so and so that I only hang out with guys while away at college and if its true.
On one such occasion at home, while discussing my education, life and finances, my mom brought it up. And at that point, I was just like f*ck it, yes mom, yes.
I lied. She brought it up, I said that in my head, but my mouth just uttered thov txim. Kuv thov txim, as tears rolled down my face. My dad said nothing. And my mom did something that surprised, angered and saddened me. She asked me to change. Ko kuv pauv.
And I lied again, and said I would. And we left it at that and it has been like that since.
Although I am saddened by the experience with my parents, the positive experience and affirmations from my friends, brothers and cousins give me strength where I thought there would be none. I still struggle when coming out to someone. I still struggle with saying those words, "I am gay". I would feel weird amongst OGs talking about it. I was once so young and so scared and confused, but through mistakes, risks and honesty, I have found that being sexual orientation is such a minor part of who someone is. Yet, it is a huge political, religious and personal conflict. But to anyone who is, or knows someone who is, struggling through being gay or lesbian, know that it does indeed get better.
Thank you for taking time to read long my story. Feel free to respond with anything here, or message me. Feel free to share this.
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