I (27M) have had a 10 year friendship with my LO(26M). Now I am DL bi, but the gay side was slowly dying down (sexuality is spectrum), around that time I had moved in with him and slowly became limèrent when I found out that my seemingly straight bff was into trans porn and dick, during that time he was also teasing me in sexual fashion, he would grab my hips, simulate felaciao, grab my pec and so on. All things that would drive me crazy and on the verge of risking it all.
By now, I do have a feeling that he might know I am secretly bi, due to sending him porn (BY ACCIDENT LIKE REAL ACCIDENT, like I ended up lying and saying I was hacked). He’s not naive so I don’t think he would believe my excuse which I am fine with it now, but remember that there is a chance that he might now my real sexuality.
There are other factors that would also confused on what his real intensions were, such as lingering eye contact, dirty talking more sexual teasing.
Months later, he continues to tease me but he then tells me he found a girlfriend, now that unexpectedly sent me into oblivion, I was more depressed, increased anxiety and later my very first panic attack, any time I would hear, see or anytime he would talk about her or how it’s getting serious, I would feel very dejected and disturb and not myself.
I know that he had noticed my shift and know what the triggers are(her), which is why he has stopped talking about her all this much.
So by now I am feeling very depressed and have reoccurring anxiety from the situation,
I also believe my abandonment issues are also flaring up on top of that as I now believe she has taken my place seemingly as one of his important pupils and that eventually he’ll leave me behind.
I fall even deeper into limerence(or love who knows) with stalking, recording and snooping in his phone.(VERY DARK)
The limerence strangely turns very sexual on that part (which adds to the sexual confusion).
I am borderline obsessed at this point until I decide that I cant live like this, I try to focus on myself and pulling back from the relationship for the sake of saving it but from his side it looks like avoiding, ignoring(stonewalling) and ect… (Now that I think about it was definitely my avoidant side coming out).
I can tell that he wasn’t happy with my different behavior, especially with me avoiding him and stonewalling, I couldn’t tell him what was going on as I am not out and my pride but mostly the first thing.
Telling him I have limerence for him(my bff) while posing as completely “straight” was not an option, so I kept it all buried and tried to move one and I only managed to crush my mental health.
Everyday was hard but I was surviving, it’s what I do, I pulled all the way back and I would go out by myself or with other friends, barely talking to him even tho we lived together, be more close with his siblings( not planned) and I guess it was bothering him but I wasn’t doing this in the internet if hurting him, i just wanted to get over it. I would try every now to get back to old vibes but it was beyond me, I sensed a little bit of resentment also from the rejection and humiliation because again in my head he might know about my limerence or that I could be in love with him. There might be resentment for the fact that he may or may not have played games and led me on.
Strides were made and I currently am doing better as I still try to detach and build a life for myself, trying to slowly detach from him, I found myself thinking about him less and less obsessively.
Until today, he has taken his girlfriend to a barbecue of a mutual friend and has left me home alone, I currently going crazy with high migraine and a broken heart and the feeling of heavy betrayal.
He has also constantly mentioned fucking his girlfriend, and side quests he sent her to do, for the preparation of this barbecue. And I’m starting to think now that he is fucking with me, that he’s trying to hurt me on purpose as a way to revenge for pushing him away, at the very least trying to trigger me.
PLEASE HELP ME I GUESS!
By now, I do have a feeling that he might know I am secretly bi, due to sending him porn (BY ACCIDENT LIKE REAL ACCIDENT, like I ended up lying and saying I was hacked). He’s not naive so I don’t think he would believe my excuse which I am fine with it now, but remember that there is a chance that he might now my real sexuality.
There are other factors that would also confused on what his real intensions were, such as lingering eye contact, dirty talking more sexual teasing.
Months later, he continues to tease me but he then tells me he found a girlfriend, now that unexpectedly sent me into oblivion, I was more depressed, increased anxiety and later my very first panic attack, any time I would hear, see or anytime he would talk about her or how it’s getting serious, I would feel very dejected and disturb and not myself.
I know that he had noticed my shift and know what the triggers are(her), which is why he has stopped talking about her all this much.
So by now I am feeling very depressed and have reoccurring anxiety from the situation,
I also believe my abandonment issues are also flaring up on top of that as I now believe she has taken my place seemingly as one of his important pupils and that eventually he’ll leave me behind.
I fall even deeper into limerence(or love who knows) with stalking, recording and snooping in his phone.(VERY DARK)
The limerence strangely turns very sexual on that part (which adds to the sexual confusion).
I am borderline obsessed at this point until I decide that I cant live like this, I try to focus on myself and pulling back from the relationship for the sake of saving it but from his side it looks like avoiding, ignoring(stonewalling) and ect… (Now that I think about it was definitely my avoidant side coming out).
I can tell that he wasn’t happy with my different behavior, especially with me avoiding him and stonewalling, I couldn’t tell him what was going on as I am not out and my pride but mostly the first thing.
Telling him I have limerence for him(my bff) while posing as completely “straight” was not an option, so I kept it all buried and tried to move one and I only managed to crush my mental health.
Everyday was hard but I was surviving, it’s what I do, I pulled all the way back and I would go out by myself or with other friends, barely talking to him even tho we lived together, be more close with his siblings( not planned) and I guess it was bothering him but I wasn’t doing this in the internet if hurting him, i just wanted to get over it. I would try every now to get back to old vibes but it was beyond me, I sensed a little bit of resentment also from the rejection and humiliation because again in my head he might know about my limerence or that I could be in love with him. There might be resentment for the fact that he may or may not have played games and led me on.
Strides were made and I currently am doing better as I still try to detach and build a life for myself, trying to slowly detach from him, I found myself thinking about him less and less obsessively.
Until today, he has taken his girlfriend to a barbecue of a mutual friend and has left me home alone, I currently going crazy with high migraine and a broken heart and the feeling of heavy betrayal.
He has also constantly mentioned fucking his girlfriend, and side quests he sent her to do, for the preparation of this barbecue. And I’m starting to think now that he is fucking with me, that he’s trying to hurt me on purpose as a way to revenge for pushing him away, at the very least trying to trigger me.
PLEASE HELP ME I GUESS!
