Domestic Abuse...

[jimmymac4]

In my former role (let's just say I worked with very vulnerable people), we encountered many who were fleeing abusive relationships. The subject of gay men and the abuse some have experienced in relationships did come up but many were quick to say that they had never met a gay man who had been open about abuse within his relationship. Obviously this does NOT mean it doesn't exist. It got me thinking about a friend (he is gay) who told me about a sexual experience he had and... it sounded like he had been sexually assaulted and then humiliated by a stranger he hooked up with. Shamefully, my first reaction was to hunt down the guy and beat the living crap out of him for hurting my friend. I didn't ask my friend whether he thought about reporting it or needed additional support. I fool myself into thinking I didn't because he didn't actually say the words sexual assault. He alluded the guy was rougher than he liked and it hurt him, a lot. And how the guy degraded him/laughed at him and put him down. I fool myself into thinking 'oh maybe it was just miscommunication in the type of sex he thought they would have'...even though it doesn't sound like my mate actually wanted to have sex with him.
I later heard a story about a gay man who was reguarly abused in his relationship and it occurred to me that I had never heard a gay guy be honest and open about that and actually say he was abused by another guy he was in a relationship with. As in, ever. Nor had I ever seen it represented in TV. While I am straight - curious (whatever that means) but straight - it's not as if I have not seen gay characters portrayed on TV/in film but this area seemed overlooked. It shocked me that my mind became open to it - at the age of like 28! And I felt stupid for it! Like being in a warped little bubble and assuming it never happened within the gay community.

I know there are many forms of abuse so please do not think I am singling out physical only. Nor am I only referring to domestic violence within relationships only.

I also know this isn't the lightest of topics so I appreciate any time taken to respond.

I guess my questions relate to:

How common is it? Have you / anyone you know been victims of domestic abuse? What are attitudes towards it from friends / family / gay community? Do people report it to the police - and for those that have, what has been your experience? Is there an ignorance to it even within the gay community? As men - even within a male/male relationship - is there still a sense of male pride and 'no I can't report this/I can handle this myself/how will I be viewed as a man if I speak about it? And - as I have heard of so many domestic violence groups for women - are there many groups that are inclusive of and support gay men who have gone through domestic violence?

 

[Brodie888]

To add to this, there are also men who are physically and psychologically abused by their smaller, physically weaker female partners.

A circus lion or even an elephant can be tamed despite the fact they have more than enough strength crush their captor.

 

[jimmymac4]

To add to this, there are also men who are physically and psychologically abused by their smaller, physically weaker female partners.

A circus lion or even an elephant can be tamed despite the fact they have more than enough strength crush their captor.

I agree fully! And I have met some men who have. I only highlighted DV amid gay relationships purely in this as it was under the ask a gay man thread and didn't want to divert. Truthfully though, I've heard about DV incidences from females to their male partners more than I have in relationships amid gay men, which is why I was being truthful about my own ignorance and asking. It was something - all excuses aside - I sadly overlooked.

 

[ohiorod]

Yes, I am familiar with DV within same sex relationships both for gay and lesbian couples. I personally don’t have experience with bi or trans DV relationships, but I am sure that they exist. In short, I would say that the same issues that exist in DV in Heterosexual relationships are present in other relationships. I do believe that DV services for men are less plentiful and less likely to be accessed.

I am a social worker, so I hear a lot from folks I meet and I get calls from other agencies asking me for advice since I am rather well known in the area as a gay man who stands firmly in favor of social justice and health equity.