Eastern European Boyfriend

[fuckyeah]

Hi all -
I've been dating a guy in Eastern Europe for roughly 4 years now. I live in the US. We are quite in love and I've visited three times over the course of these years. Most of our relationship has been built on our staying close via text and other methods of communication. He and I are nearly 20 years apart in age (he's younger) but the difference we have has not been an issue at all. In fact, I don't, and he doesn't even think about our age difference when we are together. I would describe him as my soulmate. He is cute, sexy, funny, very boy-ish when we are together. I feel like a part of me has been filled with him in my life. It really is that good. The trouble has been sex. We have yet to have been intimate. He claims it's because he is an "alpha" and he doesn't want to ruin our relationship with his need for wild, aggressive, physical sex. He likes sex where he demeans his partners and gets off on being in charge. His sex life is so unlike him as a person. And yet I long to show him how much I love him through being physically intimate. We've talked several times about it (even took a break from our relationship for several months) but he still cannot get past being sexual with me for fear of hurting me or worse. There are times I feel like he is using me to replace his "Dad" (his own Dad has not been in his life), and we've talked about that. He denies it vehemently. He says he loves me and is attracted to me and wants a real gay relationship (we've discussed marriage a few times). I'm a bit up in arms at this point. I do not want to be in a sexless relationship, yet I love this man so dearly. I've talked to him about us trying to be intimate and that together we can work through his feelings for being aggressive in bed. I so very much want to give him the kind of sex that is magical - the kind of mind-blowing sex that takes you to another dimension, but I'm losing patience and my hope that this will ever happen. I know sex should not be the sole reason for being together in a relationship. But I do think it is an important way for us to show our love for each other and have fun.

 

[Ernestoteles]

He and I are nearly 20 years apart in age (he's younger) but the difference we have has not been an issue at all.

I don't see a problem here either.

There are times I feel like he is using me to replace his "Dad" (his own Dad has not been in his life), and we've talked about that. He denies it vehemently.

It is quite normal to take on some of the functions normally associated with the role of father or mother. This places greater demands on you, as the role of lover is more egalitarian and that of (mentor and) father is more non-egalitarian, which can lead to conflict. But it is this increased complexity that makes it particularly attractive.

I would describe him as my soulmate. He is cute, sexy, funny, very boy-ish when we are together. I feel like a part of me has been filled with him in my life. It really is that good.

Excellent, so you have a soul mate!

The trouble has been sex. We have yet to have been intimate. He claims it's because he is an "alpha" and he doesn't want to ruin our relationship with his need for wild, aggressive, physical sex. He likes sex where he demeans his partners and gets off on being in charge.

His sex life is so unlike him as a person.

So he is not interested in you sexually, and he will never be your sex mate. What is hard to understand about that?

And yet I long to show him how much I love him through being physically intimate. We've talked several times about it (even took a break from our relationship for several months) but he still cannot get past being sexual with me for fear of hurting me or worse.

You just don't want to accept that he's not interested in you sexually. The fact that you want to express your love through sex doesn't mean that sexuality with you is attractive to him. You're trying to use arguments to make him sexually compliant, but sexual interest is either there or it isn't.

I've been dating a guy in Eastern Europe for roughly 4 years now.

I'm losing patience and my hope that this will ever happen.

So you have been deluding yourself for four years!

He says he loves me and is attracted to me and wants a real gay relationship (we've discussed marriage a few times). I'm a bit up in arms at this point.

I do not want to be in a sexless relationship, yet I love this man so dearly.

1. I do not think soul mates have to copulate just because they are soul mates. You don not usually copulate with pets either.

2. I also do not believe that you have to cohabitate with a soulmate with whom you do not copulate. But you can live with him if both sides agree that they want to live together, but only copulate with third parties who can also come around for that purpose. I don not think you would like this.

3. Strong affection between mammals is very pleasing and not unusual. I see no reason why you should give up your soul mate who is not a sex mate, such soul mates are particularly intimate friends. But you really do not need to marry friends – unless you want to save on taxes.

4. What has his sex life been like in the last four years, what has yours been like? I assume you are not an ascetic.

5. What you should never do: Marry someone to import him. At most, you should export yourself to that country and not get married there either.

6. Here is a list of services you can provide for others and that others can provide for you:

---

□ Automatic Teller Machine Service Provider (ATMSP)

□ Acquaintanceship Service Provider (ASP)

□ Companionship Service Provider (CSP)

□ Friendship Service Provider (FSP)


□ General Service Provider (GSP)

□ Recreational Sexual Service Provider (RSSP)

□ Relationship Service Provider (RSP)

□ Soulmate Service Provider (SSP)


□ Pseudo Mother Service Provider (PmoSP)

□ Pseudo Father Service Provider (PFaSP)

□ Pseudo Aunt Service Provider (PauSP)

□ Pseudo Uncle Service Provider (PUnSP)

□ Pseudo Daughter Service Provider (PdaSP)

□ Pseudo Son Service Provider (PSoSP)

□ Pseudo Sibling Service Provider (PSiSP)

---

7. Wishful thinking will not get you anywhere. You have to be prepared to invest a lot of time to find someone close to you who is also sexually interested in you. You've probably saved yourself the trouble for the last four years, and now you are missing out on four years' worth of reward. So get to work quickly!

 

[dreamer20]

I've a 20 year younger guy in East Europe. I'm in the US. I've visited him 3 times in 4 years. We text + other communication. He's my sexy, funny, boyish soulmate. The trouble has been no sex. Claims he fears hurting me & ruining our relationship with wild, aggressive, physical sex. He likes demeaning sex partners and being in charge. He loves me and we've discussed marriage a few times. I don't want a sexless relationship. I want sex that is magical - I'm losing patience this will ever happen.

Just accept the fact you each are on separate pages with regard to the type of relationship you want. He wants a Platonic relationship with you and wild animal sex with other people. As you aren't happy to live in that circumstance, find someone else who loves you and desires magical sex with you.

 

[fuckyeah]

I don't see a problem here either.



It is quite normal to take on some of the functions normally associated with the role of father or mother. This places greater demands on you, as the role of lover is more egalitarian and that of (mentor and) father is more non-egalitarian, which can lead to conflict. But it is this increased complexity that makes it particularly attractive.



Excellent, so you have a soul mate!



So he is not interested in you sexually, and he will never be your sex mate. What is hard to understand about that?

It is hard to understand because he is so loving and gentle. I believe his need for aggressive sex is rooted in potential abuse he is not talking about. He has not had an easy life.

You just don't want to accept that he's not interested in you sexually. The fact that you want to express your love through sex doesn't mean that sexuality with you is attractive to him. You're trying to use arguments to make him sexually compliant, but sexual interest is either there or it isn't.





So you have been deluding yourself for four years!

I have not be delusional. I have been hopeful and as I said, I even broke off our relationship for a while. I missed him terribly during that time and had a weak moment and reached out.

1. I do not think soul mates have to copulate just because they are soul mates. You don not usually copulate with pets either.

2. I also do not believe that you have to cohabitate with a soulmate with whom you do not copulate. But you can live with him if both sides agree that they want to live together, but only copulate with third parties who can also come around for that purpose. I don not think you would like this.

I don't want to be gay and friends with him. I want to be gay and be lovers. I'm not stereotypically gay in any way. You would not know we are a "couple" just by seeing on the street.

Part of the problem is that he has been struggling with his own sexuality. He at first insisted he was bisexual. Now he is admitting he is gay. I'm not sure how much of that is because of me or him just realizing women aren't what he truly wants. It is also a cultural issue as his community is still not fully accepting of gay people. So, I think he is trying to be his true self in a very closed-minded society. It's complicated but suffice it to say he is coming out of his shell and knows that people he is close to have suspected him being gay (but haven't said anything). He's very masculine and in his 30s and no significant other. People question that.

3. Strong affection between mammals is very pleasing and not unusual. I see no reason why you should give up your soul mate who is not a sex mate, such soul mates are particularly intimate friends. But you really do not need to marry friends – unless you want to save on taxes.

I don't want to grow old in an unsatisfying relationship. I just don't.

4. What has his sex life been like in the last four years, what has yours been like? I assume you are not an ascetic.

I am not an ascetic. I have been getting my sexual needs through hookups and the like. It's not particularly satisfying, but I am able to get my sexual energy out and have no trouble finding partners for sex. I consider myself attractive and take care of my body and work out regularly.

5. What you should never do: Marry someone to import him. At most, you should export yourself to that country and not get married there either.

I will not marry into a sexless relationship. I just won't.

6. Here is a list of services you can provide for others and that others can provide for you:

---

□ Automatic Teller Machine Service Provider (ATMSP)

□ Acquaintanceship Service Provider (ASP)

□ Companionship Service Provider (CSP)

□ Friendship Service Provider (FSP)


□ General Service Provider (GSP)

□ Recreational Sexual Service Provider (RSSP)

□ Relationship Service Provider (RSP)

□ Soulmate Service Provider (SSP)


□ Pseudo Mother Service Provider (PmoSP)

□ Pseudo Father Service Provider (PFaSP)

□ Pseudo Aunt Service Provider (PauSP)

□ Pseudo Uncle Service Provider (PUnSP)

□ Pseudo Daughter Service Provider (PdaSP)

□ Pseudo Son Service Provider (PSoSP)

□ Pseudo Sibling Service Provider (PSiSP)

---

7. Wishful thinking will not get you anywhere. You have to be prepared to invest a lot of time to find someone close to you who is also sexually interested in you. You've probably saved yourself the trouble for the last four years, and now you are missing out on four years' worth of reward. So get to work quickly!

Thank you for the advice. I do have work to do. I have met other men who I know are interested in me sexually, but often lack the kind of love I experience with this man. It's hard to let go.

 

[fuckyeah]

Just accept the fact you each are on separate pages with regard to the type of relationship you want. He wants a Platonic relationship with you and wild animal sex with other people. As you aren't happy to live in that circumstance, find someone else who loves you and desires magical sex with you.

Thanks. I have accepted it. It's hard to let go of someone I love so dearly. But it is for the best for me.

 

[michael_3165]

1. I do not think soul mates have to copulate just because they are soul mates. You don not usually copulate with pets either.

Yikes! Haha

 

[Graham123]

Thanks. I have accepted it. It's hard to let go of someone I love so dearly. But it is for the best for me.

Yes always hard to let go of somebody that you love, but I believe you have made the right decision regarding this relationship as I from what you have written I don’t see any love coming your way from him, more wanting control I think. There is somebody out there that will appreciate you and love you for who you are so don’t worry about those casual hook ups when convenient for you, you will move on from this chapter in your life, we all need that sexual release, in different ways, every now and then. In my opinion true love is a two way thing.