Emotionally unavailable older gay guys opinions

[torched999]

Based on personal experience of falling for an emotionally unavailable older gay man, we're VERY compatible, just doesnt want to settle up or open up (and I stupidly and inevitably tried to convince him to open up for a while, just ending up hurting myself).

Was just wondering, what is the end game?
for a gay guy to be +40years old and on dating apps looking for hook up, after hook up,

I dont mean to be/sound judgemental, but I think it would be pretty cool to get an insight about what the perspective might be.

 

[cedarizzo]

They are looking to get off, nothing else. That's their end game.

 

[Brodie888]

The relationship kind of guys vacate the scene early and only come back in smaller and smaller numbers as time progresses.

So as you move up the age brackets, the percentage of NSA people gets more and more concentrated.

Someone who is emotionally detached (many are on the autism spectrum or they're narcissists or just plain self-centred) is never going to change very much and they shouldn't be made to feel like they should. That is who they are and like everyone else it's your choice to take it or leave it.

For these guys, the end game is to have their own place, make their own money, have relationships on their terms of nothing at all.

My advice is not to waste your youth trying to change someone who never will, because once you spend your youth on someone, you can never get it back. Give it to someone who deserves it and you will have no regrets.

 

[Brodie888]

An emotionally unavailable person who sets you straight right at the start is a good person. The bad ones are the ones who play the game as long as possible to keep you.

With the good ones, you know what they are offering and the blame is on you if you stick around waiting for your Twilight fantasy (an emotionally detached vampire who is misunderstood and only his one true love is able give his life fulfilment) to come true.

 

[Ereshkrigal]

Some "emotionally unavailable" guys don't know that they are emotionally unavailable until they meet someone who is fully emotionally available. That's when they come up against their perception that they were emotionally available, and it tends to be challenging - if not downright scary - for them.

Two guys I dated many, many years ago were like that. Nice, but difficult to get close to. I had the presence of mind to not date them any longer, as I could see that it wouldn't work. The gap between them and me was too big for it to be satisfying for me in the long run. They were upset, but eventually realized my perceptions were on the money. They did better (eventually) with other guys who were also shut down, perhaps to a greater or lesser degree than them, and I was happy that they met someone who was less scary to them.

 

[chrisrobin]

Try being in a relationship for 12 years, owning a house together, holidaying with each other's families and loads of mutual friends. Then one day, out of the blue you get told "it's not working". So then its the inevitable, selling the house, splitting the proceeds the fixtures and fittings and starting a new life as a single person, the wrong side of 50. And then you find the ex lied when he said there wasn't anyone else, there was and there had been, and guess what, they were setting up house together 4 days after the final split.
So maybe you understand why older guys don't want to admit to being emotionally available - if fucking hurts.

 

[deleted24407971]

Try being in a relationship for 12 years, owning a house together, holidaying with each other's families and loads of mutual friends. Then one day, out of the blue you get told "it's not working". So then its the inevitable, selling the house, splitting the proceeds the fixtures and fittings and starting a new life as a single person, the wrong side of 50. And then you find the ex lied when he said there wasn't anyone else, there was and there had been, and guess what, they were setting up house together 4 days after the final split.
So maybe you understand why older guys don't want to admit to being emotionally available - if fucking hurts.

I’m so sorry this happened to you.

 

[cycleguy]

It's simple really. When you have a break-up and feel rejection you naturally bring up a barrier to protect this from happening again. Whether it's your first love or what you believed was a great hook up and the guy ignores you. Its rejection.
After so many times you just don't allow yourself to feel anything other than what's below the belt.
I believe this is a major issue in our community.

 

[harry_gay_40]

The older you get and the wiser you are, you start losing trust in people. So, you just don't care about emotions. In fact, I like emotionally unavailable men. I am old enough now so I don't depend on anybody emotionally. My emotions are mine and I own it. I don't like showing off my vulnerable side anymore. Gone are those days! Maybe I am thick skinned now and I am okay with that

 

[Sklar]

I can't speak for others but...

It's not about being "emotionally unavailable."

It's about trust and fiscal responsibility.

In regards to trust, I've been burned time after time (Sorry Cindy Lauper). It's no longer important to me to find my "Soul Mate" and "My Dream Man." Both are a bunch of crap. Love is an illusion easily shattered.

It's a losing proposition for me.

FWB works very well for me.

Also, I've come too far in my life, and, to be honest, to set in my ways. I've worked hard to get my home. My financial security for the future, to have someone come along, get married, only to have them divorce me and then suddenly get up to 50% of what I've created and earned. And for what? Being younger and pretty?

Spare me.

If, and I seriously mean IF, I do find someone, there's going to be prenups that would make a lawyer very, very happy. They are going to be VERY one sided and if they don't like it, there's the door.

I don't need a relationship to be happy.

Society conditions us that to be "Fulfilled, Happy and Satisfied," we need that special one.

What a load of crap.

You want to consider that "emotionally unavailable," you're more than welcome to.

I call it common sense.

 

[GeorgiaMan]

My personal values lean fairly traditional and I really wanted a relationship that was more like an old school heterosexual marriage, two people who are sexually monogamous and also share life together.

I have it now and am overall satisfied but I also know why people just like to keep things casual. It's not really for me but just because you have an exclusive relationship with someone doesn't mean they will always be on the same page.

I've posted here we are somewhat mismatched with our sexual needs and while I have no itentions of stepping out, I've been frustrated several times over the past year at his seemingly lack of interest in sex more than once a week or so. There are also financial considerations that we've now had to address and while he's not bad with money he doesn't seem to have any goals outside of paycheck to paycheck and I don't really want to live like that.

 

[deleted25090951]

Try being in a relationship for 12 years, owning a house together, holidaying with each other's families and loads of mutual friends. Then one day, out of the blue you get told "it's not working".

I'm sorry you experienced that. It was unkind of him to have not been fully honest with you.

 

[Brodie888]

A common complaint of older men is that they are too close to retirement to financially afford to lose more assets to another partner. Many have gone from a comfortable existence to being in financial stress.

But this is often because the older gay man wants to fuck some young gold digging uni student rather than someone their own age and similar financial circumstance.

 

[chrisrobin]

I'm sorry you experienced that. It was unkind of him to have not been fully honest with you.

Honesty was something he wasn't good at. Two days after he moved into his new house his new lover joined him. Then a week after that he wanted me to meet his new "little friend"

 

[deleted25090951]

Honesty was something he wasn't good at. Two days after he moved into his new house his new lover joined him. Then a week after that he wanted me to meet his new "little friend"

He's a rotter.

 

[kbj23]

Try being in a relationship for 12 years, owning a house together, holidaying with each other's families and loads of mutual friends. Then one day, out of the blue you get told "it's not working". So then its the inevitable, selling the house, splitting the proceeds the fixtures and fittings and starting a new life as a single person, the wrong side of 50. And then you find the ex lied when he said there wasn't anyone else, there was and there had been, and guess what, they were setting up house together 4 days after the final split.
So maybe you understand why older guys don't want to admit to being emotionally available - if fucking hurts.

sorry mate