For those who are DL, how do you do it comfortably?

[Llshep]

I'm bisexual and don't ever plan on coming out, for personal reasons. I know, that's my first mistake, but it's one I've decided to live with. Maybe I'll change my mind with time though, but who knows to be honest.

I've finally taken the first step ever and started experimenting with guys (Via GrindR). The first time was literally no strings attached. He met, did some thing, and went our separate ways, never to speak again. He was older.

But I find myself wanting to be friends/acquaintances with some of the guys that message me. They're cool, we have things in common (Such as being DL), and more.

For example, there's this one guy that I've clicked with. We could easily become friends if I decided for it to happen and we've also talked about experimenting together. I haven't responded to him in over a day though because I'm getting anxious.

If you're DL, how do you sit comfortably with the idea of being friends with another DL guy? A guy who knows your secret(s). Sure, we're both in the same boat but what if he comes out one day and outs me? I see myself with a wife and kids one day. What if he pop ups one day with ghosts from my past? What if when we're hanging out, he takes pictures of me to post on social media (Under the guise of being "bros/friends")? What about others seeing us in public? The list goes on.

But still, these are the thoughts that cloud my mind and turn me away from making friends out of any of these guys. He seems trustworthy but you never know what could happen. I guess I'm speaking for all friendships between DL guys.

I guess the thought of someone knowing me on a level THAT personal is what's concerning. One confession and my secret is out to everyone. Not to mention that he lives in the same city as me.

Maybe I'm not ready to experiment or be friends with other DL men yet, I don't know. I'd like to. But I have too many suspicious and worries.

If someone could give me advice, that would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!
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TL;DR: How you do have friendships with other DL guys when there's the possibility of your secret being told/exposed? How do you fight the worries of possible bad situations

 

[jafar]

What is DL?

 

[LPSG Simon]

What is DL?

"Down Low" (not public about not being straight).

 

[theplayerking]

There’s always a small risk of being outed, but in general most guys are discreet and respectful of boundaries in a fuckbuddy-type relationship. However you could easily run into trouble if he sees it developing into a boyfriend-type relationship. That’s where people get hurt and can sometimes do obnoxious things.

 

[jafar]

"Down Low" (not public about not being straight).

Thanks!

 

[Brodie888]

You have to ask yourself why you keep indulging your gay instinct when your life plan doesn't involve sex with men in the future.

I'm not saying what is right or wrong, I am just pointing out the contradiction.

 

[Llshep]

You have to ask yourself why you keep indulging your gay instinct when your life plan doesn't involve sex with men in the future.

I'm not saying what is right or wrong, I am just pointing out the contradiction.

You're right but is it really all about sex though? Sex is 1000% out of the question, the most I'd do is JO or oral, but even then, I'm indulging it because I wanna experiment and see what things are like. I get that there may be a contradiction but I guess anxiety/cowardness just holds me back from truly experimenting and enjoying things, if that makes sense

 

[Llshep]

There’s always a small risk of being outed, but in general most guys are discreet and respectful of boundaries in a fuckbuddy-type relationship. However you could easily run into trouble if he sees it developing into a boyfriend-type relationship. That’s where people get hurt and can sometimes do obnoxious things.

I see. The possibility of the guys I meet being in the group of those who don't respect boundaries has me worried and not wanting to take a chance and have things blow up in my face later on. Thank you for replying

 

[Brodie888]

You're right but is it really all about sex though? Sex is 1000% out of the question, the most I'd do is JO or oral, but even then, I'm indulging it because I wanna experiment and see what things are like. I get that there may be a contradiction but I guess anxiety/cowardness just holds me back from truly experimenting and enjoying things, if that makes sense

If this was just an experimental thing, you would just use a false name, lie about where you really live and not make friendships that would warrant taking photos.

Clearly you are wanting more that you are willing to admit and the only thing stopping you is internalized bi/homophobia that's causing you anxiety.

 

[Llshep]

If this was just an experimental thing, you would just use a false name, lie about where you really live and not make friendships that would warrant taking photos.

Clearly you are wanting more that you are willing to admit and the only thing stopping you is internalized bi/homophobia that's causing you anxiety.

When we take things from GrindR to Snap, I always use a fake name.

My location is off on the app, when they ask where I live I tell them a different city. 9 times out of 10 I can still see how many miles away they are from my real location and guess what city they're in.

I haven't made any friendships.

But I see what you mean. Thank you

 

[flbatorgator]

Mmm, I get what you're saying and while I'm out, I know how much anxiety can play into things.

The only thing I can suggest is seeing about setting up a regular FWB thing, make sure to lay your cards on the table, and you should probably be fine. I've seen heaps of stuff about guys like you looking for other guys like you for a "regular" thing that could potentially turn into a friendship.

I think, though, that you're always going to have that kind of anxiety until you finally do make a friend, a genuine friend, and you guys start trusting each other. It can happen, for sure. I'm just not sure Grindr is really the best place to find someone trustworthy, but then again I've not had much luck finding anyone on Grindr in my city that wants anything more than a quick dicking.

You can look into local J/O groups or circle jerk groups. You can make friends organically and I'm pretty sure most of the guys there understand the importance of keeping it a secret--especially married ones.

 

[SexWithTrump]

Clearly you are wanting more that you are willing to admit and the only thing stopping you is internalized bi/homophobia that's causing you anxiety.

I appreciate your perspective here, but I'm not certain that the only thing stopping OP is internalized bi/homophobia or that bi/homophobia is causing anxiety for OP. I would LOVE to have the opportunity to get away from my family for a couple of hours to have NSA fun with a sexy man. However, there is simply not time in the schedule for that, and I have too much at stake personally and professionally to try to wedge in such experiences. The responsibility that I have to my family far outweighs my desire for M2M fun. This doesn't mean that I have any sort of bi/homophobia; rather, it means that I've looked at the cards that I've been dealt and am dealing with them in the way that is safest for me.

Yet another perspective on a complicated issue.

 

[Andrej_u]

I'm bisexual and don't ever plan on coming out, for personal reasons. I know, that's my first mistake, but it's one I've decided to live with. Maybe I'll change my mind with time though, but who knows to be honest.

I've finally taken the first step ever and started experimenting with guys (Via GrindR). The first time was literally no strings attached. He met, did some thing, and went our separate ways, never to speak again. He was older.

But I find myself wanting to be friends/acquaintances with some of the guys that message me. They're cool, we have things in common (Such as being DL), and more.

For example, there's this one guy that I've clicked with. We could easily become friends if I decided for it to happen and we've also talked about experimenting together. I haven't responded to him in over a day though because I'm getting anxious.

If you're DL, how do you sit comfortably with the idea of being friends with another DL guy? A guy who knows your secret(s). Sure, we're both in the same boat but what if he comes out one day and outs me? I see myself with a wife and kids one day. What if he pop ups one day with ghosts from my past? What if when we're hanging out, he takes pictures of me to post on social media (Under the guise of being "bros/friends")? What about others seeing us in public? The list goes on.

But still, these are the thoughts that cloud my mind and turn me away from making friends out of any of these guys. He seems trustworthy but you never know what could happen. I guess I'm speaking for all friendships between DL guys.

I guess the thought of someone knowing me on a level THAT personal is what's concerning. One confession and my secret is out to everyone. Not to mention that he lives in the same city as me.

Maybe I'm not ready to experiment or be friends with other DL men yet, I don't know. I'd like to. But I have too many suspicious and worries.

If someone could give me advice, that would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

TL;DR: How you do have friendships with other DL guys when there's the possibility of your secret being told/exposed? How do you fight the worries of possible bad situations

Have you considered being friends/intimate with a guy who is not on the DL?
I am openly gay and I currently have 2 closeted guys that I meet somewhat regularly for sex. I don't even know their names, but in the end they managed to share quite a bit with me.

I do my best to give them some "normality", not just sex but also a nice time, some cuddles, a place where they can feel appreciated and not judged, and where they can experiment freely.

I understand that if you meet another guy in the closet, you have a "weapon", as in... He has as much to lose as you do, so he'll keep your secret. But in the end it's all about trust: I'm fully keeping the identity of these 2 guys for myself. And yeah, with a DL guy you might feel safer in terms of keeping your cover, but you're trading that with a lot more difficulties, strict boundaries to respect, unresolved issues with their identity and so on.

 

[Lakeshore]

My married male friends have friends with apartments they can use for us to play in. Never been interrupted with a dick in my mouth or a dick in my ass. All good

 

[WebMale80]

I’m always worried about getting caught, but luckily I travel for work a lot.
Grindr helps a lot.
Plus, every city has at least one gay bar.
Having a hotel room really does help.

 

[buck8]

Married guys can't host, but gay guys can. If you'd like to find one for a FWB situation, be very clear about being married, bisexual, and in need of discretion. Some guys won't be interested in this while others might be turned on. I did have a married guy lie to me once by saying he was divorced and cultivating a romantic relationship (he was gay, not bi, and therefore wanted emotional intimacy). That wasn't fair and I ended it. But I do have bi friends who aren't out and have been hooking up with me for years. I actually consider them to be friends, too. We chat all the time. The dynamic is very bro'-ey and not romantic. The sex is casual, fun sex, not relationship-style sex. When I've dated gay guys, I tell them I have several masculine, hung, attractive FWBs, and their eyes light up, LOL! Sharing is caring! I often try to nudge them toward ethical non-monogamy because I believe that their wives should know, but that's the world we live in--societal constraints and family dynamics make them feel the need to hide it. I helped them get on PrEP with no paper trail through a local clinic and they STI test regularly. They've befriended each other through me, and we often play in groups, which helps to keep it casual fun. There have been times when I've been sick or needed something fixed, and they always offer to help, unprompted, while I get no offers for help whatsoever from my gay friends, haha!

I suggest trying to find a gay couple who are open. The risk for romantic attachment will be minimized and the sex will be simply for the fun of it. I know two gay couples who prefers bi married men for the same reason.

 

[Rod Sound]

I'm bisexual and don't ever plan on coming out, for personal reasons. I know, that's my first mistake, but it's one I've decided to live with. Maybe I'll change my mind with time though, but who knows to be honest.

I've finally taken the first step ever and started experimenting with guys (Via GrindR). The first time was literally no strings attached. He met, did some thing, and went our separate ways, never to speak again. He was older.

But I find myself wanting to be friends/acquaintances with some of the guys that message me. They're cool, we have things in common (Such as being DL), and more.

For example, there's this one guy that I've clicked with. We could easily become friends if I decided for it to happen and we've also talked about experimenting together. I haven't responded to him in over a day though because I'm getting anxious.

If you're DL, how do you sit comfortably with the idea of being friends with another DL guy? A guy who knows your secret(s). Sure, we're both in the same boat but what if he comes out one day and outs me? I see myself with a wife and kids one day. What if he pop ups one day with ghosts from my past? What if when we're hanging out, he takes pictures of me to post on social media (Under the guise of being "bros/friends")? What about others seeing us in public? The list goes on.

But still, these are the thoughts that cloud my mind and turn me away from making friends out of any of these guys. He seems trustworthy but you never know what could happen. I guess I'm speaking for all friendships between DL guys.

I guess the thought of someone knowing me on a level THAT personal is what's concerning. One confession and my secret is out to everyone. Not to mention that he lives in the same city as me.

Maybe I'm not ready to experiment or be friends with other DL men yet, I don't know. I'd like to. But I have too many suspicious and worries.

If someone could give me advice, that would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

TL;DR: How you do have friendships with other DL guys when there's the possibility of your secret being told/exposed? How do you fight the worries of possible bad situations

I really feel for you Bud - I think you need to take a step back and come back and re-read your post.

Your not in these bad situations, your not even dealing with real secrets yet - You don't have the wife and kids and your already stressed about it.

Nobody does it easy - in fact as society gets more accepting, its only going to harder.

You essentially just described how your going to live like a boomer gay man in the 50s and 60s. It isn't the 50s or 60s anymore.

I think your planning on taking the hardest path. It will always be stressful and worry some - bc your hiding who you are. I live in a very rural area - there are many guys that live like your planning. They do not seem happy. Also - your kinda limiting yourself only to other gays like you. Soon as I wised up a bit and realized the nightmare it would be to have some wife accuse me of breaking up her family, I stopped all interaction with DL guys.

First thing I ask blank profiles that send pics is "Are you married" cause I just don't want to deal with any of that drama.

I don't know how old you are but why not just go for exactly what you want - a wife and boyfriend. Marriage is a dated concept - if your the kind of guy that really wants both, find a women that likes to watch guys fuck and find a guy that wants kids.

Don't force yourself to conform to the broken world that is now.

 

[rm1128]

DL guys are never really comfortable in my opinion. They're never at ease and in my experience their anxiety comes out in anger/violence. so I just kind of avoid the whole thing now. I wish you luck and remember to be compassionate with yourself and others.

 

[deleted1815071]

I would say that the most important question is "are you planning on having these extracurricular outings while you are in a relationship with another person?"











that is the case, will this person have signed up for it? If they did it to you, how would you feel? I would go further as to say that being DL is not inherently bad, but engaging in behavior without another stakeholders consent is ethically questionable.







Let's say you did make friends with another fwb. If you do settle down with someone, how are you going to introduce him? Will you continue to hang out with him? If you choose not to do so, is he really your friend or a f%%% buddy?







I would suggest looking longterm into the implications of doing these things.

 

[northernirish]

When I was still in the closet, the only way I could ever do it was by sneaking around after drunken nights out with my friends. I tell my parents that I was staying at my friends house, and then I would tell the friends I was out with that my parents were picking me up a few streets over from the club. I'd then get on a Grindr rampage trying to find someone to hook up with, go to their place or with them in their car or whatever and when all was said and done I would walk home (the drunkness made a 5 mile walk feel like a brisk one) or get a taxi back to my place and I never had any questions about it. In hindsight, what I did was really dangerous as no one actually knew where I was, but I did what I had to do to get my jollies on discreetly.