Gay Expectations: Anonymous Poll

[WillyLong]

When you finally made it to the gay community, did it live up to your expectations?

 

[jpk338]

A dear friend of mine was murdered and we,The so-called gay community, held a rally to get votes so the murder could be seen as a hate crime. 7 gay people showed up. We then reached out to the jewish community and 300 showed up saying that if more was needed they would be there. We got the hate crime.

 

[brinzaulsschwul]

Oh dear, how very subjective and of no value, you don't know what my expectations are. I might only have one expectation and therefore it would, if I had 100, and only obtained 10, then that's a fail

 

[malakos]

When you finally made it to the gay community

What does this even mean?

 

[keenobserver]

- look him

What does this even mean?

Fair question. My interpretation is that most gay people (speaking as a gay man) grow up learning that they are different from their hetero peers, siblings, parents and the community at large. While the LGTBQ community is more visible than it once was today, for me as a closeted kid / young man finding an actual gay community in the early 70's probably saved my life. Too often the LGBTQ kid feels alone and isolated, depending on where he is and what his support is / was. Finding that such a community existed and that people like me (and not like me!) existed as a community was a revelation. Being able to leave the mask and be myself was transformative. I met and networked to a range of people that I never imagined even existed. At that time the community was mostly welcoming and supportive, with its share of 'back benchers' - folks who are always catty, bitchy and selfish a lot of the time, but they were (and I think still are,) a small part of what we call community.

For me, getting closer to the OP question it exceeded all my hopes and has remained my most worthwhile lifetime connection. Some people I know wax poetic over high school or college friends - but even having those, none were as important to me as the community connections I made in college and afterwards. I learned a lot of history, I saw the effects of discrimination (God bless Frank Kameny - look him up!), came to understand how at that time being gay was super high risk but how having a community provided some strength and resources to cope.

When the plague hit, it was the gay community that fought for testing - and did their own confidential testing when it was a crime to do so. Gay activists fought like hell for research money in the face of an administration that hated us and credited God for giving it to us - AIDS. If you look around you will find a couple landmark films that give some insight to what that was like -one, "As Is," and "Love, Valor, and Compassion." They tell a lot about those days.

There are times when any group can let you down, but day in, day out, the gay community both local and national has more than exceeded my expectations, and I am always proud to be a part of it.

 

[WillyLong]

 

[osid]

This is a dumb question. First, there is no monolithic "gay community". It's not like there are memberships cards or anything. Second, putting expectations on others, no matter who they are, is always going to lead to disappointment. So yes, the "gay community" has lived up to my expectations because I have not put any expectations on "it".

I get the distinct impression that the OP has his own unmet expectations, and that he is posing the question to validate his own view of how the mythical "gay community" is unsatisfactory.

 

[cedarizzo]

I was so disappointed with the gay community. I had sex with so many straight guys and made them gay. I never got the toaster I was promised in return.

Honestly, as a gay man for 30 years, I have no idea what the "gay community" is.

 

[Matt_L]

When you finally made it to the gay community, did it live up to your expectations?

In a word, yes! I made a lot of good friends and enjoyed a lot of good nights out. I mean I think I got lucky with my circle of friends. I know people I met later in life after I came out had some bad experiences with really cliquey people who were “popular” on the scene, but I for the most part have had a positive time.

 

[Brodie888]

I think the gay community is too large and diverse to categorically praise or condemn as a whole.

 

[WillyLong]

Of the 40 respondents to the survey so far, the majority have selected disappointment with the gay community.

For those who chose disappointment, is there anything the gay community can do to improve its status in your eyes?

Thank you to all who have taken the survey and to all the feedback comments.

 

[Ofnelxo]

Of the 40 respondents to the survey so far, the majority have selected disappointment with the gay community.

For those who chose disappointment, is there anything the gay community can do to improve its status in your eyes?

Thank you to all who have taken the survey and to all the feedback comments.

I'm sorry but I have a lot of grievances, so bare with me. Oh and nice to see you all here; only just found this thread and regret not finding it earlier. I will admit also that I am not as... mixed with the "mainstream" gay community as it would be expected, so I do have some bias. Take with that what you will.
So, first would be to stop "worshipping" the gays who are rich, white, muscular and party-hoes. I will admit that I don't have many gay friends, but the ones I have, I check their instagram profiles and they all follow at least 10 of these people. If you need examples, think Aaron Schock, DJ Davids, Alec Rugo, Colby Melvin, KC & Jax, Jake Jacob, Reno Gold, you get the idea. I feel as though gays have elevated them just because they are attractive and are like "gods" to most of us (which of course they are not). Everytime I see them on someone's feed, I immediately start judging my body or I have the biggest angst about going to the gym, but not for myself; but because I want that life, I want that money, I want those travels. Once that happens, I'm reminded of their catiness and the toxicity that follows them.
I sometimes wander through their IG's and see some of their posts saying (Melania voice) "Ooh yes I've been oppressed. Me come from very religious family growing up, so me think su*cide when little, but manage to move to the city, you know, like everyone" and instanly I want to yell "shut the f*ck up!". Sure, show off your body for your onlyfans and that sugar daddy of yours, but it doesn't have to define your ENTIRE profile.
I feel as if the main goal of these type of gays is to look as plastic as possible simply to fit in, and throw everyone under the bus if need be. But in reality, at least my partner and I, just want to have friends to watch Netflix with, chat with and maybe just visit a city to see the sights. This culture of thongs, jockstraps and being sassy as f*ck is too much, and simply keeps alive the notion of "privilege" which we're all trying so hard to erase.

Anyways, rant over so hope you feel the same way; just kinda asking for a friend.
Thanks for opening this space and everyone have a lovely day today

 

[malakos]

If you need examples, think Aaron Schock, DJ Davids, Alec Rugo, Colby Melvin, KC & Jax, Jake Jacob, Reno Gold, you get the idea.

Uh... I've never even heard of any one of these. Not a single one.

 

[auncut10in]

View attachment 26481281

I came out later in life than most guys and I was so happy and honored to be a part of the gay community. Any community is better than living a lie, trying to please others by being something that I was not. I have met so many wonderful guys. Had so many amazing experiences. Had so much hot sex, You guys have been nothing but welcoming, embracing and supportive. But maybe it is because I am interested in all people. I like all types of guys. Love people of all ages and races and dick sizes. I reach out to others and find common ground. I support guys that need help and I rely on others when I need that help. In some ways, I feel like my life began on that day I attended my first pride with a friend of mine who had also come out just weeks earlier.

I don't want to come off sounding all self righteous, but the LGBT community is what you make of it. YOU are the community. How you choose to live your life is a reflection on how others treat you. For every guy that is too tall, too short, too fat, too skinny, too hairy, too smooth, or whatever, if you are the person that none of that matters, you will find a lot of guys eager to embrace your friendship and accept you also for who you are.

 

[Brodie888]

I get tired of people who have a take take take attitude. Whether it's a partner, a neighbor or a neighborhood, the focus is what's in it for them. If people focused on what they have to offer others, the world would be a better place. Even if all you can afford to give is a smile, it's better than nothing.

 

[BussyPhilipps]

Uh... I've never even heard of any one of these. Not a single one.

You’ve never heard of Aaron Schock? Do you live under a rock?

 

[tito21]

When you finally made it to the gay community, did it live up to your expectations?

The expectation varies depend highly on the individual’s physical appearance.

If you’re young, white, fit, average to good looking. Then the gay community will bend over their back (or spread their legs wide open) for you. The gay community will welcome you with open arms and open legs and go beyond your expectation.

If you’re old, not white, unfit, not good looking. Molly, you might as well be a ghost and be invisible! gurl.

 

[tito21]

A dear friend of mine was murdered and we,The so-called gay community, held a rally to get votes so the murder could be seen as a hate crime. 7 gay people showed up. We then reached out to the jewish community and 300 showed up saying that if more was needed they would be there. We got the hate crime.

Tragic really! Sorry to hear about your friend’s murder

If your friend were young, white with model good looks. You bet your ass the so called gay community would bring their circuit party (with 5000 strong muscle marys in leather thongs) down to the rally.

 

[BussyPhilipps]

I'm sorry but I have a lot of grievances, so bare with me. Oh and nice to see you all here; only just found this thread and regret not finding it earlier. I will admit also that I am not as... mixed with the "mainstream" gay community as it would be expected, so I do have some bias. Take with that what you will.
So, first would be to stop "worshipping" the gays who are rich, white, muscular and party-hoes. I will admit that I don't have many gay friends, but the ones I have, I check their instagram profiles and they all follow at least 10 of these people. If you need examples, think Aaron Schock, DJ Davids, Alec Rugo, Colby Melvin, KC & Jax, Jake Jacob, Reno Gold, you get the idea. I feel as though gays have elevated them just because they are attractive and are like "gods" to most of us (which of course they are not). Everytime I see them on someone's feed, I immediately start judging my body or I have the biggest angst about going to the gym, but not for myself; but because I want that life, I want that money, I want those travels. Once that happens, I'm reminded of their catiness and the toxicity that follows them.
I sometimes wander through their IG's and see some of their posts saying (Melania voice) "Ooh yes I've been oppressed. Me come from very religious family growing up, so me think su*cide when little, but manage to move to the city, you know, like everyone" and instanly I want to yell "shut the f*ck up!". Sure, show off your body for your onlyfans and that sugar daddy of yours, but it doesn't have to define your ENTIRE profile.
I feel as if the main goal of these type of gays is to look as plastic as possible simply to fit in, and throw everyone under the bus if need be. But in reality, at least my partner and I, just want to have friends to watch Netflix with, chat with and maybe just visit a city to see the sights. This culture of thongs, jockstraps and being sassy as f*ck is too much, and simply keeps alive the notion of "privilege" which we're all trying so hard to erase.

Anyways, rant over so hope you feel the same way; just kinda asking for a friend.
Thanks for opening this space and everyone have a lovely day today

I completely agree with you. The gay community, especially during Pride, puts too much emphasis on looks, having a hot body, nudity and being shirtless. It’s very superficial. There is a definite pecking order. If a guy is white, attractive and muscular, he is automatically considered the most desirable and everyone wants to be around him and fuck him. It doesn’t matter if he is a shitty person or has no personality. Gay men have much higher rates of Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD) and eating disorders because of this pecking order and the constant pressure to fit this mold. I have BDD partly because of it. I wish there were less of an emphasis on looks and nudity during Pride because there have been concerts I’ve wanted to go to, but I know from photos and video of past Pride concerts that most of the guys attend shirtless. I just want to see the pop stars perform and enjoy the concert. I don’t want to have to worry about how I look and be one of the few guys wearing a shirt in a crowd of hundreds or thousands of shirtless guys. That would be very triggering and make me feel very uncomfortable.

I have the same issue with gay bars. I want to be able to socialize and dance to music without having to worry about my body or how I look. But the last time I went to a gay bar in Manhattan, this guy tried to take my shirt off as I was making my way through the dance floor to the bathroom. And then when I was dancing with my friend, a group of white, muscular gays with six pack abs and model good looks took off their shirts and started dancing and grinding up against each other right next to us. Those aren’t things that would happen at a straight bar. You usually don’t see people shirtless at straight bars.

I once mentioned my experiences and feelings in a group chat with a bunch of other gay dudes, and one of them accused me of asking for “respectability politics,” and most of the other guys sided with him. They wouldn’t admit they were wrong and that they had misinterpreted my point even after I linked to a few articles about the higher rates of BDD and eating disorders among gay men.

I wish gay bars could have a separate section for shirtless dancing so that those who want to do that still can, but those of us who just want to dance and socialize without being triggered and having to worry about how we look can do so as well.

 

[BussyPhilipps]

This is a dumb question. First, there is no monolithic "gay community". It's not like there are memberships cards or anything. Second, putting expectations on others, no matter who they are, is always going to lead to disappointment. So yes, the "gay community" has lived up to my expectations because I have not put any expectations on "it".

I get the distinct impression that the OP has his own unmet expectations, and that he is posing the question to validate his own view of how the mythical "gay community" is unsatisfactory.

I’m guessing you don’t believe in the adage that there’s no such thing as a dumb question.