So, I have been friends with him for around 7 years or so. We have been close since, best friends, we met during uni, and although the friends group fell apart, we have continued to be friends since, every day.
I am a handful of years older than him, that has always appeared to be a social anomaly between us, but otherwise we have been sound, he's like 25/26 I'm 33. He is my best friend, and I genuinely care about him more than anyone else.
So, in the past i've told him I liked him, but it was so many years ago to be honest, and I never stopped liking him. We recently met up after not physically seeing each other for a few months, and things ended up in the same bed, blah blah blah, and after giving multiple boundary consent on his behalf, I went to town on him.
Basically, we had both been out at the club in the city, and both fuck out our mind anyway, but he had spontatiously started making out with a random dude at the club. I, my faggy self, took immediate emotional response to this and fled the club and was punching walls for an hour, because the thought of him with someone else kills me to the core. I got back to the hotel, and slept it out but he arrived back surprisingly a few hours later, when things happened. It was going well, and we were making out periodically, but then he just kind of stopped and jumped up at a point, and stopped what was happening. I was completely ok with this, and we just spooned the rest of the night, but it left me so shaken, I thought I did something wrong.
So, after a mental health crisis I shan't go into for details, with some friendly support I spoke to him today, about 2 weeks later, about what happened, and what that would mean going forward, if it means anything between us for example.
TLDR, he has a medical condition which inhibits blank-out zones for up to hours at a time, and his entire time from leaving the club to waking up to me deep throating his dick was a blank-out, which obviously is a complete shock to me. At the time, I had got consent from him, in a seemingly sober AF state, to start touching, then sucking him off, with his approval. Although it ended seemingly abruptly, because I assumed he had cum anxiety, or the sort, he allowed me to spoon the fuck out of him the rest of the night.
I didn't necessarily instigate anything that night to use him, but more, in a way, to show how I felt for him. Being mostly asexual, I wanted him to feel good, if that makes sense? But now since talking to him, I feel that because of his medical condition, what I did accounts to rape, and I feel fucking sick to the core. We have both always been so open with each other, and never take anything too seriously, and he says its completely fine what happened, but in hindsight, I can't help but feel guilty. After a full heart to heart, he says he doesn't have romantic feelings for me, which makes me feel worse because I feel now that as I knew about his condition before, drunk me took complete advantage of this, even with his complete verbal consent.
I fucking hate it, because I'd fucking die for this guy, and I love him to the end of the earth, but I'm not sure how to deal with this revelation that it may not have been medically consensual. I love him so much, and I now after spilling my heart to him, I feel that I raped him. Why.
I am a handful of years older than him, that has always appeared to be a social anomaly between us, but otherwise we have been sound, he's like 25/26 I'm 33. He is my best friend, and I genuinely care about him more than anyone else.
So, in the past i've told him I liked him, but it was so many years ago to be honest, and I never stopped liking him. We recently met up after not physically seeing each other for a few months, and things ended up in the same bed, blah blah blah, and after giving multiple boundary consent on his behalf, I went to town on him.
Basically, we had both been out at the club in the city, and both fuck out our mind anyway, but he had spontatiously started making out with a random dude at the club. I, my faggy self, took immediate emotional response to this and fled the club and was punching walls for an hour, because the thought of him with someone else kills me to the core. I got back to the hotel, and slept it out but he arrived back surprisingly a few hours later, when things happened. It was going well, and we were making out periodically, but then he just kind of stopped and jumped up at a point, and stopped what was happening. I was completely ok with this, and we just spooned the rest of the night, but it left me so shaken, I thought I did something wrong.
So, after a mental health crisis I shan't go into for details, with some friendly support I spoke to him today, about 2 weeks later, about what happened, and what that would mean going forward, if it means anything between us for example.
TLDR, he has a medical condition which inhibits blank-out zones for up to hours at a time, and his entire time from leaving the club to waking up to me deep throating his dick was a blank-out, which obviously is a complete shock to me. At the time, I had got consent from him, in a seemingly sober AF state, to start touching, then sucking him off, with his approval. Although it ended seemingly abruptly, because I assumed he had cum anxiety, or the sort, he allowed me to spoon the fuck out of him the rest of the night.
I didn't necessarily instigate anything that night to use him, but more, in a way, to show how I felt for him. Being mostly asexual, I wanted him to feel good, if that makes sense? But now since talking to him, I feel that because of his medical condition, what I did accounts to rape, and I feel fucking sick to the core. We have both always been so open with each other, and never take anything too seriously, and he says its completely fine what happened, but in hindsight, I can't help but feel guilty. After a full heart to heart, he says he doesn't have romantic feelings for me, which makes me feel worse because I feel now that as I knew about his condition before, drunk me took complete advantage of this, even with his complete verbal consent.
I fucking hate it, because I'd fucking die for this guy, and I love him to the end of the earth, but I'm not sure how to deal with this revelation that it may not have been medically consensual. I love him so much, and I now after spilling my heart to him, I feel that I raped him. Why.
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