I grew up as a tomboy and repressed all desires of my feminine side. Physically, I was female, but I didn't want to be. There are still vestiges of tomboy running through these veins. That was one of the biggest strains on my relationship with my Mum. She forced me into dresses and wouldn't let me cut my hair.
I loved being outdoors with my Dad and the other cowboys. I lived for riding my horse and working the ranch. And things were wonderful, except for the Mum thing, but I humored her as long as I could stand it.
And then boobs. Oh, how I cried. I cried because they hurt, and I cried because I would literally try to beat them back, which made them hurt even more. Ace bandages, too small undershirts, I tried everything.
And that's when things changed a lot. Mum always told me that I shouldn't be riding with the cowboys, but now Dad told me that maybe I should be more careful and stay home more. That was like a stab to the heart. And he and I grew more distant. I wasn't his little boy anymore. I let my ponytail down.
I started seeing boys differently too. Now they were objects of desire. But they were unattainable to me. I couldn't seem to have a conversation with one much less date one. I had one close male friend and the rest were girls. We talked about being boyfriend and girlfriend once. Yeah, nah, too weird.
So I had three dates in school, only one worth anything. And that's the guy I married as soon as I graduated. What a bust. But I got the best kid in the world out of that busted deal.
I have no regrets about growing up like I did. I just wish I had discovered how to be more feminine when I was in school. It took the social aspect of going to college to figure that out.
So I guess I'm a late bloomer, but I'm glad I went through all of that to get here.
