Has your husband left you for a man?

[thatguyfromthere]

Hello female friends,
I know this title is a bit abrupt, but I am trying to understand the female point of view of relationships that end where the man leaves a woman for another man.

I've been supporting my mother recently after my father left her for another woman, and a best friend after her bf left her for a MTF trans woman. Most recently, a friend with a four year old son, has begun to suspect that her partner (not yet married but together 10 years) is cheating on her with a man. All different experiences, of course.

I've been doing as much as I can to help them, and I guess I wanted to do more, to understand how it's been for others to get over the experience and move on. Did they always know? What can you do as a partner to help the man - who's probably living a bit of tortured closet life - come to terms with his sexuality, and move past it towards being friends rather than couples.

There is no right answer. I guess I just was wondering what words of advice I could give or understand how others have come to terms with it, or learn to live with it?

Thanks
Chris

 

[TinyPrincess]

Not my particaular area of expertise or interest - but I would imagine men realising their own sexuality would be the main driver...

 

[LaFemme]

I really have no words of advice, although I have had relationships where he cheated with a man. Painful.

Ultimately, until society is at a place where being bisexual, gay, being a trans individual etc is completely natural, painful incidents like this will continue to occur. No one should have to “come out”, or rather maybe everyone should come out. As a parental unit to four incredible adults of varying orientation, not one had to “come out” to us. They all knew that we were fine with any gender or orientation. They love who they love.

If my ex-partners were honest with themselves about their sexuality, perhaps the could have been honest with me. I could have made an informed decision about the relationship. Cheating took that decision away from me. And being as wounded as I was, I certainly had no ability to help my ex-partner deal with his own sexuality.

Basically, the only advice I can give is the same as for anything. Be a good friend by listening. Suggest therapy. That’s about it.

 

[Sentosa]

Not happened to me either. But cheating is cheating is cheating.

 

[EllieP]

The problem with bisexuality in a committed relationship is that there will always be an urge unsatisfied if vows are kept. That is unless this is an agreement beforehand such as a type of open marriage.

But when the discovery of this repressed side makes its presence known then what do you do? Do you stifle it, or do you try to amend the agreement?

Tough call there.

Cheating is always cheating. And I don't think I could handle being married to a bisexual because there is a preference of his/hers that I could not satisfy.

 

[Tight_N_Juicy]

The problem with bisexuality in a committed relationship is that there will always be an urge unsatisfied if vows are kept.

there is a preference of his/hers that I could not satisfy.

Not necessarily. I'm pan, but most of my life identified as bi. I never felt that my cis-male partners couldn't satisfy me fully.

Being bisexual doesn't mean you require satisfaction from two genders to feel satisfied in a relationship. It just means you can be attracted to persons on both sides is the spectrum of genders.

I never felt like I was missing out when in a relationship with a man because I wasn't having sex with a woman. I know it's not the exact same circumstances being that I'm not a bisexual man but i tend to apply that reasoning to other people in general because it seems 'fair' in my mind. That and every straight man I've ever known other than my father has cheated on their wife/girlfriend before. Even my beloved brownballs, he cheated on me and it resulted in a human being who exists now. So did that mean I wasn't able to give him something? I don't feel that way about it.

Sorry I'm just babbling not trying to tell you how you should feel Ms. Ellie

 

[EllieP]

Not necessarily. I'm pan, but most of my life identified as bi. I never felt that my cis-male partners couldn't satisfy me fully.

Being bisexual doesn't mean you require satisfaction from two genders to feel satisfied in a relationship. It just means you can be attracted to persons on both sides is the spectrum of genders.

I never felt like I was missing out when in a relationship with a man because I wasn't having sex with a woman. I know it's not the exact same circumstances being that I'm not a bisexual man but i tend to apply that reasoning to other people in general because it seems 'fair' in my mind. That and every straight man I've ever known other than my father has cheated on their wife/girlfriend before. Even my beloved brownballs, he cheated on me and it resulted in a human being who exists now. So did that mean I wasn't able to give him something? I don't feel that way about it.

Sorry I'm just babbling not trying to tell you how you should feel Ms. Ellie

I do appreciate your words, T. And I understand what you are saying. I guess I'm thinking about those people who find out later that they are gay or bi and looking to fulfill that feeling that they're missing something.

And yeah, I know the cheating partner all too well. Some are just never satisfied. And I've already told Cap many times that if he feels the urge to cheat please tell me. I'd rather know about it up front than behind my back. But he's been cheated on, too, and he swore he could never put another human being through that torment.

 

[AllieHeidi]

Not necessarily. I'm pan, but most of my life identified as bi. I never felt that my cis-male partners couldn't satisfy me fully.

Being bisexual doesn't mean you require satisfaction from two genders to feel satisfied in a relationship. It just means you can be attracted to persons on both sides is the spectrum of genders.

I never felt like I was missing out when in a relationship with a man because I wasn't having sex with a woman. I know it's not the exact same circumstances being that I'm not a bisexual man but i tend to apply that reasoning to other people in general because it seems 'fair' in my mind. That and every straight man I've ever known other than my father has cheated on their wife/girlfriend before. Even my beloved brownballs, he cheated on me and it resulted in a human being who exists now. So did that mean I wasn't able to give him something? I don't feel that way about it.

Sorry I'm just babbling not trying to tell you how you should feel Ms. Ellie

I think women when it comes to bisexual men, are concerned about being 100% incapable of sexually satisfying a bisexual man who starts getting a craving for penis. There is nothing that a woman can do to satisfy that urge, aside from perhaps strap-ons but it's not the same. Sometimes bisexual men just need the real thing. Whereas bisexual women with men aren't really physically missing anything from a "receiver's" standpoint, anyway.

There is nothing that a woman can do to a woman that a man physically can't. The inverse of this is not true, though, due to lack of "equipment."

So, that's where the apprehension lies when it comes to women being with bisexual men, I think. If bisexual men want a penis in their mouth or their ass, usually, only the real thing will do for them. This is coming from the horse's mouth. A lot of them say this themselves (I've seen it); real dick/cum >>>>>> dildo/strap. By far. Many women just don't want to deal with the anxiety of wondering where the desires of their men truly lie and choose to end the relationship if they find out about it after the fact.

Ironically, a lot of bisexual men know this and stay closeted...but then proceed to cheat with men on the side, thereby ruining the reputations of bisexual men even further, leading to further apprehension from women, etc, etc. It becomes a vicious cycle.

 

[Tight_N_Juicy]

I think women when it comes to bisexual men, are concerned about being 100% incapable of sexually satisfying a bisexual man who starts getting a craving for penis. There is nothing that a woman can do to satisfy that urge, aside from perhaps strap-ons but it's not the same. Sometimes bisexual men just need the real thing. Whereas bisexual women with men aren't really physically missing anything from a "receiver's" standpoint, anyway.

There is nothing that a woman can do to a woman that a man physically can't. The inverse of this is not true, though, due to lack of "equipment."

So, that's where the apprehension lies when it comes to women being with bisexual men, I think. If bisexual men want a penis in their mouth or their ass, usually, only the real thing will do for them. This is coming from the horse's mouth. A lot of them say this themselves (I've seen it); real dick/cum >>>>>> dildo/strap. By far. Many women just don't want to deal with the anxiety of wondering where the desires of their men truly lie and choose to end the relationship if they find out about it after the fact.

Ironically, a lot of bisexual men know this and stay closeted...but then proceed to cheat with men on the side, thereby ruining the reputations of bisexual men even further, leading to further apprehension from women, etc, etc. It becomes a vicious cycle.

I hear you, but I don't think it's always or even most of the time true.

Just trying to avoid generalizing for the sake of discontinuing the perpetuation of the stereotype. The same kind of shit happens to me. "Oh, she's bi so we're absolutely GOING TO have 3sums with other women!" Uh... No.

I know my fair share of bi men who are exactly as you describe, but I also know just as many (if not more) over the years who are not at all like that. They're mostly actually really lonely and it fucking sucks. But I might be generalizing based on my personal experience.

I'm babbling again, I'll shut up not.

 

[AllieHeidi]

I hear you, but I don't think it's always or even most of the time true.

Just trying to avoid generalizing for the sake of discontinuing the perpetuation of the stereotype. The same kind of shit happens to me. "Oh, she's bi so we're absolutely GOING TO have 3sums with other women!" Uh... No.

I know my fair share of bi men who are exactly as you describe, but I also know just as many (if not more) over the years who are not at all like that. They're mostly actually really lonely and it fucking sucks. But I might be generalizing based on my personal experience.

I'm babbling again, I'll shut up not.

Your 'babbles' are fine. No worries!

And I just want to be clear, in no way do I actually believe that all bisexual men are as I describe. That would be stupid and unfair. Sadly, a lot of them are, though. It's a roll of the dice in that regard, and a lot of women just aren't willing to take that risk.

They're already taking a risk with straight men cheating with women. With bisexual men, it's easier for them to cheat because men are easier to snag for quick, anonymous, hook-ups. They view the cheating risk as higher because of this. And I think that's understandable and valid.

It's too bad for the bisexual men who don't fall into that stereotype and end up lonely because a lot of women have that as a hard limit due to their own personal anxieties. I wish them light and love, I truly do. But so help me, if I read one more account of "my secret fuck buddy" from a bi guy partnered to some poor, and presumably oblivious, woman I am going to scream.

 

[EllieP]

I'm babbling again, I'll shut up not.

I love you when you babble! Babble on, Sweetie!

Damn, I want to give you a hug!