Having a tough time with a coworker

[teddy_bear432]

So currently I have a coworker who is incredibly cute, but also incredibly kind to me. We very rarely overlap in terms of actual work, so we can talk to each other about what's going on with our individual jobs without it being a conflict of interest. It's been almost a year since we met now, and over time I've developed a very strong attraction to him. We share a lot of similar interests as well as the same sense of humor. We often text each other memes and jokes throughout the day, and he's one of the few men in my life that I don't always have to initiate conversations with. He often finds excuses to be around me during days that have less structure, and oftentimes he sits next to me at staff meetings. We also often go out and grab food together when we have time, or he'll grab me food when I can't go out myself. I am very much out at work, and although I haven't spoken to him about it outright, he seems very sensitive about queer and trans people.

I've talked to my friends about him, and many of them are convinced that he's attracted to me based on some of his behaviors. He's only ever mentioned dating one girl in the past and it was very briefly. Many have suggested that I talk to him about how I feel, but every time I feel like I'm ready to, I just get paralyzed and can't get it out. Part of me is hoping that he initiates a conversation about it, but I don't know if that will ever happen. It's difficult to be so attracted to someone in so many ways, and want him so badly but feel like I can't do anything more.

I just feel like I need some people who don't know either of us to talk to about it. Maybe get a fresh perspective or even just a space to vent. As long as its kind/constructive, anyone can offer their input or ask any questions, although I may choose to keep certain things private for anonymity and safety.

Give me your worst

 

[sulvca]

While you're waiting for him to initiate the conversation, perhaps he is hoping that you will initiate the conversation.

 

[Stephenmass]

I'd say ask him if he wants to go out for a few drinks AFTER work. Keep it casual, as nonsexual friends would and pick up your cues as you go along. You may need to go out a few times, etc. I agree with the above that both of you may be afraid to go out on say a date, but if you hit him towards the end of a shift you could say wanna go out for a few? Been a tough day or something to that effect.

 

[teddy_bear432]

While you're waiting for him to initiate the conversation, perhaps he is hoping that you will initiate the conversation.

I am painfully aware of this possibility haha. One thing I've learned about him is that he has a high level of anxiety. I've had to talk him through a few situations regarding work, which he often seeks me out for. I also have a history with anxiety so I think I understand his thought processes, and I'm pretty open with him about most of my own anxieties when it comes to work. It's definitely something to think about.

I'd say ask him if he wants to go out for a few drinks AFTER work. Keep it casual, as nonsexual friends would and pick up your cues as you go along. You may need to go out a few times, etc. I agree with the above that both of you may be afraid to go out on say a date, but if you hit him towards the end of a shift you could say wanna go out for a few? Been a tough day or something to that effect.

His birthday is coming up in a couple of months, and I already have something planned for him. Nothing too major, but I may also do this as well. We also talked about doing it at one point late last year, and then we realized that it probably wasn't a good idea because of the timing and never organized a rain check. It's also a matter of getting him to leave his office after hours. He likes to stay later and catch up on work. We did discuss using the office gym after hours and working out there, so that might be another possibility.

 

[sulvca]

Stephenmass made a good suggestion about going someplace after work. While he likes working after hours to catch up, I'd imagine he'd like to go somewhere after work as long as it's a planned event in the very near future. Going to the office gym after work is also a good thing except I do kinda worry about what he and or you might act while around other coworkers.

 

[ILoveGames48]

You can ask if want to go out for few drinks or come to your place have a few beers watch a movie and hang out away from work sometime.. see his reaction..

You have to be careful since it’s at work.. if approach wrong way at work he can get you for sexual harassment on the job..


The thing about going to your place and hang out is both of you can be more open and able to talk more about things.. if by chance he is straight tell him you respect his preference and go at that..


When people mention things about homosexuality and trans it’s not that he doesn’t approve of them (( then again it might) so just approach him slowly..

Where you work together makes it hard as could put a strain on your boths work..


If it was me I’d chat with him.. ask if had any kids or been married.. see his reaction.. then tell him that it’s her loss because he is very handsome guy..

If he knows you are gay ask him if he is ok with it.. see what he says ..

Other than that good luck

 

[Johndoe8389]

Oof this is a toughie! Sadly we’re not mind readers but I can at least tell you how I snagged my husband.

1) Pick new settings for the two of you. New situations allow for different sides of your personalities to come out. Aquariums, movies, going for a hike. Hell, I went on a first date with my husband to Dave & Busters! The more time you spend together in different settings the more you may get to know each other and see if this is actually something you want to pursue.

2) In the happy scenario that the both of you do see each other as potentially more than just friends, make your intentions clear about what it is that you’re looking for. I don’t believe in the “see where things go” approach. Do you want the same things in life and are your beliefs aligned in major topics like marriage, children, religion, etc…? Is he willing to be outwardly gay and tell his family and friends? That’s a huge one. I’ve always made it clear with the men I’ve dated that they must be out. It took me years to get of the closet I’m not jumping back in for some guy!

3) Remember that even if a guy is gay and is attracted to you he could still reject you because he can’t envision himself being in a gay relationship. Although it’s frustrating just remember that internal homophobia is something almost all of us struggle with at some time or another. If he rejects you you’ll have your answer and you should move on. Very rarely can you be “just friends” with someone who you are in love with.

Good luck, friend!

 

[teddy_bear432]

Thanks for all the input everyone. The fortunate thing about the building gym is that people don't typically use it. I think there's like 2 people in the entire company that use it, excluding us, so I'm not super concerned about that.

However, I did sort of get him a birthday gift, since it's coming up soon. It's nothing too like romantic in nature, it's just something cute that I think he'd really like and actually use. I have an idea on how to give it to him that I have to run by some people since I need people to help me put it together, and to distract him while we put the final touches on it. I can't say too much about it without doxxing where we work, but it's not too big, but also not too intimate either

 

[halcyondays]

2) In the happy scenario that the both of you do see each other as potentially more than just friends, make your intentions clear about what it is that you’re looking for. I don’t believe in the “see where things go” approach. Do you want the same things in life and are your beliefs aligned in major topics like marriage, children, religion, etc…? Is he willing to be outwardly gay and tell his family and friends? That’s a huge one. I’ve always made it clear with the men I’ve dated that they must be out. It took me years to get of the closet I’m not jumping back in for some guy!

This. Do you know what you want? Would you still date him if he doesn't want to come out as anything? Is he straight? Bi? Are you willing to be a lover/FB/FWB if he already has a girlfriend or boyfriend or doesn't want to be exclusive?

My perspective might be helpful as an apparently straight man some gay/bi men find attractive. This goes back four decades to my school years and has run through my life. Here's the most common way guys have approached me without actually asking me out:

1. I tell a guy I have a question to ask. They say okay. I ask the question. His response is "And here I thought you were going to ask me out" or "Oh I was hoping you'd ask me for a date" when it's not what I asked.

This is a classic way a guy finds out if I am interested and lets me know he is. Women use it too BTW. It's almost always said in lighthearted way. It hits the ball in my court. I don't always reply right away unless I know for sure I'm not interested. I take it as a serious inquiry only if he and I are alone when he asks. If asked in a group setting I take it as a tease or flirt--not serious.

2. Is a variation on #1 where a guy says "When are you going to ask me out?"

Again I don't have to respond right away but the message is delivered and the ball is in my court. A conversation can begin. Right away I might say I'm already seeing someone. His response might let me know whether that's a problem or not. What does it mean if he already knows I'm seeing someone else? What does he want? I only learn by asking questions.

That said I have almost always avoided dating people from work especially those from the same department in the same office space. I'm retired now but a nice guy who likes people and made friends at work. It was been taken the wrong way more than once.

FWIW I hope he likes you the same way you like him. Good luck.

 

[bravesoldier]

My response may not be my worst as you asked for, but I have been in a situation at work very similar to yours. There's this guy about ten years younger than me and his real name is John. John, my sexy coworker I wish you were reading this and knowing it's me writing. The first time I laid eyes on his tall, somewhat skinny, sexy, lanky, slightly prissy frame I melted. He's so incredibly cute and even at age 49 he has this ruthless, boyish, flirty, sexy way about him that is engrossing. Sometimes when I see him I honestly believe he can see the yearning in my eyes, as I will feel immediate sexual surrender to him in my mind. There have been times I felt I could see the same in his eyes. It's seemingly ruthless between us. When he calls me on the job professionally there always seems to be an underlying flirty undertone in his voice. However, I believe he is in a situation where he absolutely cannot do or say a thing that would incriminate him. I know why; he is married and has a beautiful family he loves very much.

But the attraction between us seems to be undeniable. Once after a conversation at work when he turned to leave, he gave a lingering stare as he turned to walk off while grabbing his junk.

Just drives me insane. I even asked another guy I have come to know and trust, and he said he believes he would do something if he had the right chance.

Oh, the sweet torture I endure over this guy John.

 

[BillNC]

A couple of questions: 1. Are you equals at work? and 2. is there a policy about dating co-workers ...... my thought is if you are equals, where one of you does not supervise the other and if there is not a policy about dating co-workers, then be honest. Tell him you'd like to hang out as friends or if he is interested you would like to go on a date. I can be friends and have a good time. Will you be ok just having him as a friend if he is not interested in dating?

 

[opinionman]

I would proceed very carefully. Continuing to get to know him slowly over time would, In my opinion, make it easier if/when the time comes to move beyond the friendship you have. Do not force it; be content with his friendliness until you are as certain as you can be that he might be open to more. Easy for me to say, I know, but hard for you to do.

 

[teddy_bear432]

A couple of questions: 1. Are you equals at work? and 2. is there a policy about dating co-workers ...... my thought is if you are equals, where one of you does not supervise the other and if there is not a policy about dating co-workers, then be honest. Tell him you'd like to hang out as friends or if he is interested you would like to go on a date. I can be friends and have a good time. Will you be ok just having him as a friend if he is not interested in dating?

I'll respond to your questions in order

1) This is a weird thing. On paper our positions should very much be equal in power. However, I've gotten relatively close to a lot of the higher ups through good rapport and in all honesty, I'm a lot better at voicing my concerns and opinions and therefore enacting change, so I suppose in that sense I have more power than he does.

2) The whole reason that I was hired at this company was because someone went on maternity leave, came back, and decided to leave permanently to take care of her child. Her husband worked right down the hall from me in the same company. I am also aware that they met there and were together while both being there for a couple of years. I've also looked at the written policy and essentially all it says is no public displays of a sexual nature on the premises. So the short answer is... no? If anyone here is an HR expert, I would love to hear how you interpret this.

2a) A minor side note, but one that might be applicable. Again, I am out at work to pretty much everyone, and I have presented content regarding LGBTQIA+ identities as it relates to our work to pretty much all of my coworkers. A couple of the higher ups have made note that he and I are very close, not in a punitive way but more so in a teasing way. So I also don't think homophobia is a factor here.

As far as being friends with him, I'd be more than happy to continue being friends with him, and I think that's part of the reason that I know I actually like him and that its not just me lusting after him. We have a really good time together, and honestly, he's one of the few people I feel like I can sit with silently and still feel like things are comfortable.

 

[Kudo]

My two cents...

I've always avoided dating in the office; too many times, I've seen relationships go wrong, and eventually, someone has to leave the company.

If things work out, you won't be able to keep the relationship a secret. People will figure it out, and they will gossip. Gossip is rarely kind and usually damaging. One or both of your jobs will suffer.

Worst case: If things don't work out, you'll be forced to see the other person daily. This is hugely uncomfortable and can affect job performance.

So you might want to think about it...

Anyway good luck

 

[Sexy123789]

I am painfully aware of this possibility haha. One thing I've learned about him is that he has a high level of anxiety. I've had to talk him through a few situations regarding work, which he often seeks me out for. I also have a history with anxiety so I think I understand his thought processes, and I'm pretty open with him about most of my own anxieties when it comes to work. It's definitely something to think about.

His birthday is coming up in a couple of months, and I already have something planned for him. Nothing too major, but I may also do this as well. We also talked about doing it at one point late last year, and then we realized that it probably wasn't a good idea because of the timing and never organized a rain check. It's also a matter of getting him to leave his office after hours. He likes to stay later and catch up on work. We did discuss using the office gym after hours and working out there, so that might be another possibility.

For what it is worth I am going to be the voice of caution, but opportunity.

One. The gym is a good place. Does he do the towel dance or is he open when changing? Is he shy? A confident gay man attracted to another confident gay man would use this as an opportunity to peacock. If he is not doing this, he could be gay and insecure, or straight and shy. Especially if it is just the two of you, if nothing is happening that seems remotely sexual on his end, take that as a warning flag.

I would also vote in favor of the drinks out. Ask him questions about the girl he dated. How his dating life is. See if he uses gendered language or not. If he is straight or gay and so in the closet he won’t admit it to a friend while drinking, another warning flag.

I feel like there are two distinct possibilities, here.

1. He is gay and just unusually shy or private, or not comfortable with his sexuality. Unless there is a clear dominant person in the friendship, I would find his lack of forward ness unusual.

2. This dude is genuinely straight, maybe dated but finds real women to be too much work so he is addicted to porn or something. He is progressive and open minded. Just wants to have a friend at work. Someone that makes the office fun. Maybe he is confident enough in his sexuality he would be unoffended by the confession. Maybe he is not confident and is completely uncomfortable with it. Suddenly he is too busy for the gym. He is drowning in work and doesn’t have time to text as much…etc.

Do remember there is a chance he is straight and you are projecting your wants on him and you could risk loosing a friend and even worse, get an HR complaint that could damage your place in the company with higher ups. They may like diversity but professionals that can’t handle their urges…

 

[ILoveGames48]

all i got to say is this--make sure you do this off clock and off company property----that way if he tries to get you for sexual harassment--- the company says its out of their hands---as it didnt happen while you were on clock or on property----

trust me ---its happened to me

 

[Sexy123789]

all i got to say is this--make sure you do this off clock and off company property----that way if he tries to get you for sexual harassment--- the company says its out of their hands---as it didnt happen while you were on clock or on property----

trust me ---its happened to me

Absolutely. 100% this. You think you know someone, but you never truely can know anyone and your job is too important to risk anything. Even a possible relationship.

 

[gayny84]

Are you friends on any socials?

 

[Justawatcher23]

His birthday is coming up in a couple of months, and I already have something planned for him. Nothing too major, but I may also do this as well. We also talked about doing it at one point late last year, and then we realized that it probably wasn't a good idea because of the timing and never organized a rain check. It's also a matter of getting him to leave his office after hours. He likes to stay later and catch up on work. We did discuss using the office gym after hours and working out there.

Give an update after the birthday and if you need help on planning you could ask for advice.

 

[teddy_bear432]

Are you friends on any socials?

No socials, but honestly i'm not super active on mine. All I really have is his personal cell