How to deal with catching feelings for the first time?

[ThrowAway912]

I'll try to make his as short as I can. I could definitely use all the advice I can get.

I'm 23 years old and bisexual. I'm not out; I'm "in the closet". No one knows except me and of course, the guys I've done things with. I only recently started messing with guys a few months ago. Up until now, I've told myself that I'd never date a guy and that I'm not romantically interested in them. I genuinely did feel that way until I met this new friend of mine.

Ever since I started experimenting I've stayed far away from doing things/meeting up with guys in the same age range as me. The way I see it, a lotta guys my age are immature, detached, and us being in the same area/being the same age runs the risk of us knowing the same people. Despite this, I'd always thought that it'd be nice to have someone my age that's in the same boat as me with this whole sexuality thing and who I don't have to pretend around etc. etc.

That's where this new friend of mine comes into the picture. He hits me up on Jack'd (I was on there for hook-ups/chat only) a couple weeks ago, wanting to talk/meet. I had my hesitations since we're the same age but something told me to go for it. We talk on the app for a few days, eventually agree to video chat, and we go from there. I met him for the first time a few days ago.

Before we even met, I stated that I'm not romantically interested in guys, he was ok with it. We agreed to be friends with benefits. When we video chatted for the first time I asked him if he saw himself with a wife and kids (He's bi/DL too). At first he said yeah, then he threw in that he would marry whoever made him happy. That gave me the implication that he would date/marry a man.

Anyway, we meet and our chemistry is just crazy. We have so much in common, we mesh well together, everything is really nice. I have no complaints at all. It doesn't even feel like we're friends, it feels like we're more than that. I'm doing and saying things that I didn't before.

It's no exaggeration to say that I've been more comfortable around him than I have with anyone else. It's like I don't have to wear a mask around him, I can just be me and that feels nice as hell. We've seen each other a handful of times, done things, and it's all been great to say the least. He motivates me, advises me, great conversation, etc. etc.

I like him. And I know he likes me back. He tells me all the time that he does, although he doesn't specify the context of his like (Like as in a crush/like as in "I like the color blue"), but I know he does.

A part of me would be willing to date him but what would that even look like? We're both DL and I have no intention of coming out, and from what I know, neither does he. My grand plan in life is to have a wife and kids but now that I'm considering dating a guy, that kinda changes everything for me and I don't know what to do. I know ideals can change but this decision I could make can very much turn everything upside for me and I think I'm fighting that being the case, because having a wife and kids has been my end goal for so many years now. A part of me feels like if were to come out and publicly date a guy that it would ruin my chances with a lot of women just because of stigma/stereotypes; I imagine that's where the bi-to-gay pipeline comes from.

The next time we meet I'm going to ask him "What is this to you?" in the context of him and I. I'll tell him how I honestly feel after he responds and we can go from there, but again, I'm not sure that I'm ready to make such a big jump and date a guy. He's never dated one either, so he says.

I'm just lost and unsure of what to do and how to go about things. I typed all of this and I still feel as though I have way more to say. I'm sorry for the lengthy post, but I'd really appreciate any advice, stories, and whatnot. It'll help more than you know.

-----

Short version: I'm bi/DL and believed that I'd never date another guy. But now I've caught feelings for my friend with benefits and am considering dating. This goes against what I've believed/wanted for myself and I don't know what to do. He's DL too so what would us dating even look like? Any help is much appreciated.

Thank you

 

[FrankieGuile]

Rather than ask him "what is this to you?" and putting the onus on him to declare his feelings, step up and declare your feelings for him. You may get shot down but at least you'll have been direct and transparent -- something you haven't yet been with yourself or him. At the very least, declaring your feelings and taking ownership for them will make you feel more whole.

 

[MisterB]

What you describe here is very telling IMO.

It's no exaggeration to say that I've been more comfortable around him than I have with anyone else.

It sounds like you may be repressing your true self. Care to elaborate why you have this grand plan of a wife and kids? Because as another poster said above, you can have kids with a male partner.

Anyway, we meet and our chemistry is just crazy. [some content deleted for brevity]

It's no exaggeration to say that I've been more comfortable around him than I have with anyone else. It's like I don't have to wear a mask around him, I can just be me and that feels nice as hell.

Funny about our hearts. (And our dicks, lol. ) They don't lie.

What I read through all you posted is someone who is conflicted about his sexuality. This guy is the catalyst.

Rather than ask him now "What is this to you", you should pose that question to yourself first. And work to figure out what your honest answer is. And then decide how you mesh that with whatever is keeping you from being your authentic self.

Because until you do, you aren't being fair to yourself or any other potential paramour, male or female, until you figure out who/what you are and what you really want in this life. Right now with this guy. Longer term where does your life go? That requires some introspection and soul searching.

Good luck!

 

[Annatarsauron]

I’m gay but just recently came out. I did the whole wife-and-kids routine to please my parents, to please society.

What you have found is profoundly rare. So rare, I think it trumps everything else. You can meet your goals with someone like this, it just won’t be in a way you thought.

 

[sgtrock]

Its 2023 and I would like to think society has come a long way. Yes I realize there are many of one political view who may be fighting to changes things back to the 50’s. Isn’t life to short, don’t you deserve to be happy? If you are seeking happiness and aren’t doing anything to anyone against their will or societies laws and only with consenting adults just be you and let it all hang out.

Yes you should be comfortable and if you chose to hide your true self behind closed doors that’s ok but aren’t you stifling your own growth as a person?

I am straight and after getting out of the Marines in Honolulu got asked to model. At first I didn’t know what to expect but soon realized a lot of the people I worked with were gay. They never tried to do anything to me although compliments were often given especially since I worked mostly as a nude model and adult entertainer. Honestly though I learned more about my sexuality just sitting back and letting things happened. I never crossed any internal boundaries, I enjoyed everything I was asked to do and found it often freeing.

I have been in a long-term relationship with a Thai woman I met in Honolulu and we have moved to Southern CA and now Georgia.

I still shave all my body hair, enjoy showing off but am very comfortable in my own skin.

Hopefully you will find the strength to quit fighting your feeling no matter what they are and just be happy. I would urge you to have an open mind and follow your senses and desires.

Good luck

 

[FrankieGuile]

Its 2023 and I would like to think society has come a long way. Yes I realize there are many of one political view who may be fighting to changes things back to the 50’s. Isn’t life to short, don’t you deserve to be happy? If you are seeking happiness and aren’t doing anything to anyone against their will or societies laws and only with consenting adults just be you and let it all hang out.

Yes you should be comfortable and if you chose to hide your true self behind closed doors that’s ok but aren’t you stifling your own growth as a person?

I am straight and after getting out of the Marines in Honolulu got asked to model. At first I didn’t know what to expect but soon realized a lot of the people I worked with were gay. They never tried to do anything to me although compliments were often given especially since I worked mostly as a nude model and adult entertainer. Honestly though I learned more about my sexuality just sitting back and letting things happened. I never crossed any internal boundaries, I enjoyed everything I was asked to do and found it often freeing.

I have been in a long-term relationship with a Thai woman I met in Honolulu and we have moved to Southern CA and now Georgia.

I still shave all my body hair, enjoy showing off but am very comfortable in my own skin.

Hopefully you will find the strength to quit fighting your feeling no matter what they are and just be happy. I would urge you to have an open mind and follow your senses and desires.

Good luck

What "political view" is that? It doesn't help the OP to create a bogeyman to give him reason to further self-repress. The more liberating notion is to declare oneself unashamedly and let the chip fall where they may.

 

[halcyondays]

Wife and kids?

IMO if you're bi wouldn't your grand plan be wife or husband and kids?

 

[lover321]

Just go with the flow of things. If you don't want to come out then don't.

Not to be a bummer or anything, but at the height of love it is common to feel like you want to be with someone forever, perhaps in a few years that feeling will change. In any case, let it be and just enjoy what is. Enjoy him. If you want to have kids in the future with a women i'm sure you can figure it out or compromise.

 

[8Cylinder]

I was raised in a very conservative religious environment, and being gay would have been the worst nightmare for all of them... especially being the first of my generation in the extended family. They all had expectations, dreams, and desires for me.

As a result I tried dating women, but always had an undeniable attraction to men. One after the other, the women where hurt by my having been their "ideal man", strong but sensitive, totally masculine but not afraid to cry. Creative but capable of every last thing considered male by society. At the point where they wanted more, they hit an invisible barrier. I simply would not ever attach 100% and they felt it.

Had I married as I felt obligated to do, it would have caused massive pain for her when she realized what the barrier was. It was that I desired the same level of intimacy but honestly far deeper and more meaningful with a man.

Now 49 years later from that scenario, I have seen countless men in my boat that did marry and have children, and the result was disastrous when they finally realized they could not live further without experiencing what they always knew and repressed. The woman feels massive destruction, disappointment, pain and betrayal, the children's lives are torn temporarily in half, and they never fully recover from the sense of abandonment.

These men also wasted their prime years in a situation that was not for them, but for society, family and friends' approval. Not the thing to do with your single chance at life and happiness.

Most all the advice here is right on the money, dear man. I would never advise you to "come out" before you're ready. Remember that no "straight" couple announces to everyone that they enjoy butt sex or kink. Imagine at a family dinner that your cousin said "excuse me, everyone, but there's something I have to tell you all. My wife and I enjoy fisting." It's private. I do recommend coming out at some point, but to the extent and when you feel comfortable doing so. It does make things much easier, though initially sends a few shock waves. Pretending is stressful for sure.

Remember that you are hesitating to go for what you and your heart are telling you not because of you, but because of others. If you prefer broccoli while everyone is ordering a salad, get the broccoli.

 

[bravesoldier]

I've been in this situation twice with guys I met who were looking for hookups, as was I. But as you said, at least for me, the chemistry and physical attraction was so fierce I couldn't help but feel an utterly sinking romantic feeling for them. Even though I did nothing overly romantic, I know they must have picked up on how elated I was with them, which in turn ruined the point of the hookup which was sex only.

My advice, make sure you are in the proper state of mind. If you're using a hookup app don't let yourself even think about romance, as hard as it may be. If you're using a dating app possibly, then relax about the romance end of things.

I lost mind-blowing sex with two stunning men due to showing too much emotion.

Best of luck.

 

[lover321]

I've been in this situation twice with guys I met who were looking for hookups, as was I. But as you said, at least for me, the chemistry and physical attraction was so fierce I couldn't help but feel an utterly sinking romantic feeling for them. Even though I did nothing overly romantic, I know they must have picked up on how elated I was with them, which in turn ruined the point of the hookup which was sex only.

My advice, make sure you are in the proper state of mind. If you're using a hookup app don't let yourself even think about romance, as hard as it may be. If you're using a dating app possibly, then relax about the romance end of things.

I lost mind-blowing sex with two stunning men due to showing too much emotion.

Best of luck.

Lol reading this is so dark, what the hell man

 

[deleted19462351]

Oh boy, you have entered the next level of bisexuality and IT'S SCARY,lol. Hope yours goes much better than mine.

 

[ASK JEFF]

I'll try to make his as short as I can. I could definitely use all the advice I can get.

I'm 23 years old and bisexual. I'm not out; I'm "in the closet". No one knows except me and of course, the guys I've done things with. I only recently started messing with guys a few months ago. Up until now, I've told myself that I'd never date a guy and that I'm not romantically interested in them. I genuinely did feel that way until I met this new friend of mine.

Ever since I started experimenting I've stayed far away from doing things/meeting up with guys in the same age range as me. The way I see it, a lotta guys my age are immature, detached, and us being in the same area/being the same age runs the risk of us knowing the same people. Despite this, I'd always thought that it'd be nice to have someone my age that's in the same boat as me with this whole sexuality thing and who I don't have to pretend around etc. etc.

That's where this new friend of mine comes into the picture. He hits me up on Jack'd (I was on there for hook-ups/chat only) a couple weeks ago, wanting to talk/meet. I had my hesitations since we're the same age but something told me to go for it. We talk on the app for a few days, eventually agree to video chat, and we go from there. I met him for the first time a few days ago.

Before we even met, I stated that I'm not romantically interested in guys, he was ok with it. We agreed to be friends with benefits. When we video chatted for the first time I asked him if he saw himself with a wife and kids (He's bi/DL too). At first he said yeah, then he threw in that he would marry whoever made him happy. That gave me the implication that he would date/marry a man.

Anyway, we meet and our chemistry is just crazy. We have so much in common, we mesh well together, everything is really nice. I have no complaints at all. It doesn't even feel like we're friends, it feels like we're more than that. I'm doing and saying things that I didn't before.

It's no exaggeration to say that I've been more comfortable around him than I have with anyone else. It's like I don't have to wear a mask around him, I can just be me and that feels nice as hell. We've seen each other a handful of times, done things, and it's all been great to say the least. He motivates me, advises me, great conversation, etc. etc.

I like him. And I know he likes me back. He tells me all the time that he does, although he doesn't specify the context of his like (Like as in a crush/like as in "I like the color blue"), but I know he does.

A part of me would be willing to date him but what would that even look like? We're both DL and I have no intention of coming out, and from what I know, neither does he. My grand plan in life is to have a wife and kids but now that I'm considering dating a guy, that kinda changes everything for me and I don't know what to do. I know ideals can change but this decision I could make can very much turn everything upside for me and I think I'm fighting that being the case, because having a wife and kids has been my end goal for so many years now. A part of me feels like if were to come out and publicly date a guy that it would ruin my chances with a lot of women just because of stigma/stereotypes; I imagine that's where the bi-to-gay pipeline comes from.

The next time we meet I'm going to ask him "What is this to you?" in the context of him and I. I'll tell him how I honestly feel after he responds and we can go from there, but again, I'm not sure that I'm ready to make such a big jump and date a guy. He's never dated one either, so he says.

I'm just lost and unsure of what to do and how to go about things. I typed all of this and I still feel as though I have way more to say. I'm sorry for the lengthy post, but I'd really appreciate any advice, stories, and whatnot. It'll help more than you know.

-----

Short version: I'm bi/DL and believed that I'd never date another guy. But now I've caught feelings for my friend with benefits and am considering dating. This goes against what I've believed/wanted for myself and I don't know what to do. He's DL too so what would us dating even look like? Any help is much appreciated.

Thank you

Hey there, sugar bear…

hummmm…that's quite a situation you've found yourself in.

Feelings can be funny and funky like that. They show up when you least expect them. It’s not a bad thing, it’s just your mind and body entertaining other choices and desires. When it comes to navigating these emotional waters, there's really no one-size-fits-all answer, but advice from me would be to just go slow. You got all the time in the world. *Not really, after 25 years of age, you get on an AmTrack Train to hell as far as how quickly age goes*, But I digress…

Yo, Number 1:
Let’s talk about you having believed that you'd never date another guy. Your beliefs and wants change over time honey, often because of experiences or new insights you’ll gain and have gained. This could just be a moment where you're growing or seeing things in a new light. Ain’t nothin’ wrong with that! It might be helpful to really dig into why you felt that way in the first place and see if those reasons still apply or if they've changed.

As for the Down Low (DL) thingy… that adds another layer of complexity. If both of you are DL, you've got to consider what that means for a potential relationship. Would it be a secret relationship? Are you both okay with that? It might be worthwhile to have an open and honest conversation with him about what each of you is looking for, especially if you're considering making a bigger emotional investment. And time is a wastin’ bro.

#2:
Dating someone who's been a friend with benefits could shift the dynamics like Dorothy in a tornado, honey, so make sure you're prepared for that transition. Friendships like that have their own set of unwritten rules, and moving into relationship territory would definitely rewrite the playbook For you both. It's a high risk, but if you think the emotional connection could be deeper and more fulfilling, then it might be a risk worth taking. Who know’s right? Actually, that’s dumb… YOU KNOW what risks to take and not to take. Live large, but make good decisions along the way. Bad decisions can haunt your dreams for a long time, yo.

#3: In the end, you're the only one who can decide what's right for you. But if you've caught feelings like a bee to honey, it's definitely worth exploring what that means for you and where you could see this going. Sometimes stepping outside of our comfort zone is exactly what we need to grow. Good luck, dumplin’

Kisses on your pink parts
JEFF

 

[Zach94]

I'll try to make his as short as I can. I could definitely use all the advice I can get.

I'm 23 years old and bisexual. I'm not out; I'm "in the closet". No one knows except me and of course, the guys I've done things with. I only recently started messing with guys a few months ago. Up until now, I've told myself that I'd never date a guy and that I'm not romantically interested in them. I genuinely did feel that way until I met this new friend of mine.

Ever since I started experimenting I've stayed far away from doing things/meeting up with guys in the same age range as me. The way I see it, a lotta guys my age are immature, detached, and us being in the same area/being the same age runs the risk of us knowing the same people. Despite this, I'd always thought that it'd be nice to have someone my age that's in the same boat as me with this whole sexuality thing and who I don't have to pretend around etc. etc.

That's where this new friend of mine comes into the picture. He hits me up on Jack'd (I was on there for hook-ups/chat only) a couple weeks ago, wanting to talk/meet. I had my hesitations since we're the same age but something told me to go for it. We talk on the app for a few days, eventually agree to video chat, and we go from there. I met him for the first time a few days ago.

Before we even met, I stated that I'm not romantically interested in guys, he was ok with it. We agreed to be friends with benefits. When we video chatted for the first time I asked him if he saw himself with a wife and kids (He's bi/DL too). At first he said yeah, then he threw in that he would marry whoever made him happy. That gave me the implication that he would date/marry a man.

Anyway, we meet and our chemistry is just crazy. We have so much in common, we mesh well together, everything is really nice. I have no complaints at all. It doesn't even feel like we're friends, it feels like we're more than that. I'm doing and saying things that I didn't before.

It's no exaggeration to say that I've been more comfortable around him than I have with anyone else. It's like I don't have to wear a mask around him, I can just be me and that feels nice as hell. We've seen each other a handful of times, done things, and it's all been great to say the least. He motivates me, advises me, great conversation, etc. etc.

I like him. And I know he likes me back. He tells me all the time that he does, although he doesn't specify the context of his like (Like as in a crush/like as in "I like the color blue"), but I know he does.

A part of me would be willing to date him but what would that even look like? We're both DL and I have no intention of coming out, and from what I know, neither does he. My grand plan in life is to have a wife and kids but now that I'm considering dating a guy, that kinda changes everything for me and I don't know what to do. I know ideals can change but this decision I could make can very much turn everything upside for me and I think I'm fighting that being the case, because having a wife and kids has been my end goal for so many years now. A part of me feels like if were to come out and publicly date a guy that it would ruin my chances with a lot of women just because of stigma/stereotypes; I imagine that's where the bi-to-gay pipeline comes from.

The next time we meet I'm going to ask him "What is this to you?" in the context of him and I. I'll tell him how I honestly feel after he responds and we can go from there, but again, I'm not sure that I'm ready to make such a big jump and date a guy. He's never dated one either, so he says.

I'm just lost and unsure of what to do and how to go about things. I typed all of this and I still feel as though I have way more to say. I'm sorry for the lengthy post, but I'd really appreciate any advice, stories, and whatnot. It'll help more than you know.

-----

Short version: I'm bi/DL and believed that I'd never date another guy. But now I've caught feelings for my friend with benefits and am considering dating. This goes against what I've believed/wanted for myself and I don't know what to do. He's DL too so what would us dating even look like? Any help is much appreciated.

Thank you

And? What did you do? What did he tell you?

 

[cherryboom66]

Life is too short for this drama. Before declaring your love, you need to get to your own personal root of the internalised homophobia and biphobia you have going on. Then you need to be free and open with yourself and those around you. Then you will be able to have a mature talk with him about where this could be going.

There’s so much you need to unpack within yourself x

 

[lover321]

Life is too short for this drama. Before declaring your love, you need to get to your own personal root of the internalised homophobia and biphobia you have going on. Then you need to be free and open with yourself and those around you. Then you will be able to have a mature talk with him about where this could be going.

There’s so much you need to unpack within yourself x

Bullshit, you dont need to unpack anything. If you keep being uncomfortable for the rest of your life and still chose to date a dude then so be it.

Everybody has a different situation and different reason for being closeted. Being loud and proud and accepting is not for everyone. Some people have a sense of private life.

 

[cherryboom66]

Bullshit, you dont need to unpack anything. If you keep being uncomfortable for the rest of your life and still chose to date a dude then so be it.

Everybody has a different situation and different reason for being closeted. Being loud and proud and accepting is not for everyone. Some people have a sense of private life.

Having a private life and lying isn’t really the same thing is it. Your response is very problematic.

 

[lover321]

Having a private life and lying isn’t really the same thing is it. Your response is very problematic.

Cancel me i guess. Stop forcing people out of the closet and live your version of authenticity. Let the guy enjoy what is without having to own it.

 

[cherryboom66]

Cancel me i guess. Stop forcing people out of the closet and live your version of authenticity. Let the guy enjoy what is without having to own it.

Funny thing, if they were enjoying it, we wouldn’t be here reading about it . And no, I haven’t forced anyone to do anything.

 

[FrankieGuile]

Having a private life and lying isn’t really the same thing is it. Your response is very problematic.

And neither is being closeted and having "internalized homophobia and biphobia" as you suggested. More problematic is the rejection of the individual acting in accordance with his own wishes, which has no negative impact on anyone else except the sensibilities of some.