I'll try to make his as short as I can. I could definitely use all the advice I can get.
I'm 23 years old and bisexual. I'm not out; I'm "in the closet". No one knows except me and of course, the guys I've done things with. I only recently started messing with guys a few months ago. Up until now, I've told myself that I'd never date a guy and that I'm not romantically interested in them. I genuinely did feel that way until I met this new friend of mine.
Ever since I started experimenting I've stayed far away from doing things/meeting up with guys in the same age range as me. The way I see it, a lotta guys my age are immature, detached, and us being in the same area/being the same age runs the risk of us knowing the same people. Despite this, I'd always thought that it'd be nice to have someone my age that's in the same boat as me with this whole sexuality thing and who I don't have to pretend around etc. etc.
That's where this new friend of mine comes into the picture. He hits me up on Jack'd (I was on there for hook-ups/chat only) a couple weeks ago, wanting to talk/meet. I had my hesitations since we're the same age but something told me to go for it. We talk on the app for a few days, eventually agree to video chat, and we go from there. I met him for the first time a few days ago.
Before we even met, I stated that I'm not romantically interested in guys, he was ok with it. We agreed to be friends with benefits. When we video chatted for the first time I asked him if he saw himself with a wife and kids (He's bi/DL too). At first he said yeah, then he threw in that he would marry whoever made him happy. That gave me the implication that he would date/marry a man.
Anyway, we meet and our chemistry is just crazy. We have so much in common, we mesh well together, everything is really nice. I have no complaints at all. It doesn't even feel like we're friends, it feels like we're more than that. I'm doing and saying things that I didn't before.
It's no exaggeration to say that I've been more comfortable around him than I have with anyone else. It's like I don't have to wear a mask around him, I can just be me and that feels nice as hell. We've seen each other a handful of times, done things, and it's all been great to say the least. He motivates me, advises me, great conversation, etc. etc.
I like him. And I know he likes me back. He tells me all the time that he does, although he doesn't specify the context of his like (Like as in a crush/like as in "I like the color blue"), but I know he does.
A part of me would be willing to date him but what would that even look like? We're both DL and I have no intention of coming out, and from what I know, neither does he. My grand plan in life is to have a wife and kids but now that I'm considering dating a guy, that kinda changes everything for me and I don't know what to do. I know ideals can change but this decision I could make can very much turn everything upside for me and I think I'm fighting that being the case, because having a wife and kids has been my end goal for so many years now. A part of me feels like if were to come out and publicly date a guy that it would ruin my chances with a lot of women just because of stigma/stereotypes; I imagine that's where the bi-to-gay pipeline comes from.
The next time we meet I'm going to ask him "What is this to you?" in the context of him and I. I'll tell him how I honestly feel after he responds and we can go from there, but again, I'm not sure that I'm ready to make such a big jump and date a guy. He's never dated one either, so he says.
I'm just lost and unsure of what to do and how to go about things. I typed all of this and I still feel as though I have way more to say. I'm sorry for the lengthy post, but I'd really appreciate any advice, stories, and whatnot. It'll help more than you know.
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Short version: I'm bi/DL and believed that I'd never date another guy. But now I've caught feelings for my friend with benefits and am considering dating. This goes against what I've believed/wanted for myself and I don't know what to do. He's DL too so what would us dating even look like? Any help is much appreciated.
Thank you
However we choose to identify ourselves one fact remains true (well, to me at least): We as human beings crave connection. Sexual, platonic, etc. however you choose to identify, or what your preference is, we all crave a connection with another human being. I may be a loner myself, but even I need to interact with another being every so often.
I digress; personally, I hate using this term (Thanks, Tik Tok) but this is a canon event. It happens to the best of us. Especially when no sort of expectations are met. And there's no shame in wanting something that's more than just fucking, more than just talking about how one of you did an amazing performance hoppin on the good foot and doing the nasty. You're human and are having a connection with someone on an intimate and personal level. Feeling lost and unsure about what's next is also apart of this process. You wanted fun and now you're trying to find out what's next for you. The reality of it, asking yourself how it'll work, and all the kinks, thats where you gotta really think about what it is that you want.
I've been around the block, hell who am I kidding? I'm still on the block. I've had my fair share of Uber-ing to a gentleman caller, having multiple visitors when I decide I wanna play hooky in the staycation hotels I stay at (Hampton Inn if you wanted a personal recommendation). I've been around and I've learned when to differentiate when someone wants to legitimately get to know me, and when they just want me in my jockstrap while I blow them on my couch.
Point is this, if he doesn't know at least 3 random facts about you: favorite movie, favorite artist/dj/performer, food, etc. the simple stuff which we list on POF, Zoosk, etc. it's not worth racking your brain over. If he's not texting you throughout the day asking how you're doing, or anything of that nature, it's not worth it. And the final piece is your body. There's one organ that will give you a definite answer on what you need to do in this; your gut. Yeah, yeah, yeah, heart and mind yadayadayada. I personally always trust my gut with decisions that my heart and mind can't make up, sounds crazy but, everything in my life up to now, I've always trusted my gut instinct and it's gotten me out of some hairy situations and yet it's led me to greener pastures as well.
As far as dating goes, I usually steer clear of the DL men. I mainly use them for sex, lols. When it comes to dating them, it's this annoying game of Russian Roulette you have to play. You always have to make sure that when you're with him it's not a busy spot in the chance he might run into family, family friends, his friends/people he knows. Whether people wanna admit it or not, people TALK.
Now, I know that last sentiment was a bit harsh, but of course things don't always play out that way. There's always workarounds; driving to a locale where anyone y'all know venture out to, hanging out at each others pads, cruising (the NICE kind not the sex kind, lol), walking at the beach (a personal favorite, brownie points for night time strolling) where there's a will there's away.
Effort is the deciding factor. 50/50, and nothing less. Don't cross an ocean for someone who won't even step over a puddle for you regardless of how small it is.
I know this cliche, but, if it's meant for you, it won't be so confusing. You'll know it in your bones and feel it in your guts when it's right!
I hope that things work out in your favor!
