How To Take The Next Step With A "straight" Guy

[newintown90]

I’m sure we all know this guy that says he’s straight, likes football (etc) and might even had/have a girlfriend, but deep down you are absolutely sure he likes guys or, at least, he is into you. He does not openly speak about feeling attracted to man (he does so about girls), but he keeps on giving you subtle signs, like seeming to enjoy rubbing his leg against yours whenever its possible, looking into your eyes on a different way, or even checking you out.

I keep having these experiences (for eg it happened in college and now at my workplace) but I don’t know how to take it to the next level. I am openly gay to close friends and family, but I don’t make a big deal out of it, especially in a professional context. It’s not like I am ashamed or afraid of it, but I just think it’s irrelevant. This is to say I’m not a total noob when it comes to showing to a guy I’m interested on him, and I know to do so discreetly.

But somehow I don’t know how to deal with this type of situation, because it’s not like he is in the closet and has homosexual experiences secretly. I’m sure he does not know yet how much he is going to enjoy experiencing sex with another guy, or is afraid of enjoying the experience too much…

I am recently experiencing this with a colleague of mine. We are not friends, so we don’t hang out outside work, but we get along pretty well, and he is very flirtatious with me. He comes up with silly games he just has with me (sometime when we were alone he dared me to play that game when you stare into each other to see who laughs first, and we were looking into each other’s eyes intensely for a while). And there is other stuff too; we just have this underlying tension between us.

The thing is whenever I try to move things forward he backs up. For example, I already invited him to grab a beer after work and he won’t go. But after that he keeps flirting with me. I’m not trying for him to come out (I’m not even sure he is gay, and everyone has its timing), but I would love we could explore this sexual vibe together, even if it is our secret.

What’s your experience like? Can you share some advice with me on how to take the next step with a "straight" guy like this?

 

[CUBE]

Some straight guys use gay guys for attention. I’d move on and not pursue it. Meanwhile, an actual guy that one could have a relationship is waiting.

 

[hvdude]

Be very careful, especially if this is a work situation. You risk losing your job over a "hunch".

 

[Nonsenseboy]

Some straight guys use gay guys for attention. I’d move on and not pursue it. Meanwhile, an actual guy that one could have a relationship is waiting.

I agree with this. Some people get off knowing they have “control” over someone. Even if they don’t intend to follow through.

 

[Nonsenseboy]

I’m sure we all know this guy that says he’s straight, likes football (etc) and might even had/have a girlfriend, but deep down you are absolutely sure he likes guys or, at least, he is into you. He does not openly speak about feeling attracted to man (he does so about girls), but he keeps on giving you subtle signs, like seeming to enjoy rubbing his leg against yours whenever its possible, looking into your eyes on a different way, or even checking you out.

I keep having these experiences (for eg it happened in college and now at my workplace) but I don’t know how to take it to the next level. I am openly gay to close friends and family, but I don’t make a big deal out of it, especially in a professional context. It’s not like I am ashamed or afraid of it, but I just think it’s irrelevant. This is to say I’m not a total noob when it comes to showing to a guy I’m interested on him, and I know to do so discreetly.

But somehow I don’t know how to deal with this type of situation, because it’s not like he is in the closet and has homosexual experiences secretly. I’m sure he does not know yet how much he is going to enjoy experiencing sex with another guy, or is afraid of enjoying the experience too much…

I am recently experiencing this with a colleague of mine. We are not friends, so we don’t hang out outside work, but we get along pretty well, and he is very flirtatious with me. He comes up with silly games he just has with me (sometime when we were alone he dared me to play that game when you stare into each other to see who laughs first, and we were looking into each other’s eyes intensely for a while). And there is other stuff too; we just have this underlying tension between us.

The thing is whenever I try to move things forward he backs up. For example, I already invited him to grab a beer after work and he won’t go. But after that he keeps flirting with me. I’m not trying for him to come out (I’m not even sure he is gay, and everyone has its timing), but I would love we could explore this sexual vibe together, even if it is our secret.

What’s your experience like? Can you share some advice with me on how to take the next step with a "straight" guy like this?

I am bi and I think twice before suggesting something more than a friendship to a girl at work. You being gay and that man being “straight” makes things way more riskier. Enjoy it for what it is. A flirtatious friendship. Maybe he is so comfortable with you that he doesn’t mind getting “a little gay” n the same way too straights play with each other, but don’t think he actually wants sexual activity unless he is explicit about it.

 

[ronin001]

Sometime a harmless flirtation, is just that. I worked in a setting with lotsssss of openly gay males who were employed there. Harmless, flirtation, on both sides made the day go faster . Though there were signs that if I wanted to take any number of next steps, they were open to suggestions. But nothing ever happened , in or out of work

 

[BrazKiller]

i sucked my str8/bi curious neighbour. We hang out a few times and one night we were drunk and high. He started watching porn and i sucked him.

 

[WilliamG]

Word of advise "Don't get your sex where you pick up your checks".

 

[bd_love]

Coming from experience - If you’re out and a dude you’re into isn’t but you feel something there, just remember to think about your future emotions. Sounds cliche but 100 percent of the time you will not get what you really want out of the situation. Fooling around is fun but fooling around with someone who accepts themselves, respects your commitment to being yourself, and can communicate those things is WAY more fulfilling.

Of course that’s also in an ideal world. So I say, always wait for him to make the first move but create circumstances for that to happen: hang out one on one(nothing will happen unless there is an atmosphere of privacy and discretion), talk about sex extremely casually (gives off I don’t want anything serious vibes), and do not push him. If he actually wants something to happen, he will make the move.

If he wants you, he will come to you. And he can’t make you feel bad about coming on to him if you didn’t get a clear signal. And I mean crystal clear. Closet guys have a habit of making that happen if they’re ready to take that step into “experimentation”. As long as you keep the mindset of you’re not his first and not his last (despite what they say). Respect your feelings and your body!

I was in the closet for a long time (23 out of 25 years) before I finally came out and have hooked up with dudes with the same closet behavior. Life’s much better on the other side and it’s not your job to teach him ANYTHING. He will come to you when he feels safe to, if that’s something he actually wants. He may also just want to flirt to get his gay feelings out of his system. Sometimes it doesn’t escalate past that which is why I say just let him come to you and try not to make him into more than he is.


Sorry that was so long winded but I’ve been coming to terms with how being in the closet is traumatizing and I had the time to rant. Good luck to ya friend!

 

[thongboy]

Be very careful . . . if it's a close friendship with a straight guy, don't assume that it will go further. Value it for what it is: a lot of straights are afraid of being friends with gays. but here is one who is. There's nothing wrong with liking each other as people, so if the sexual signals aren't there, don't do anything to screw such friendships up.

 

[newintown90]

Be very careful . . . if it's a close friendship with a straight guy, don't assume that it will go further. Value it for what it is: a lot of straights are afraid of being friends with gays. but here is one who is. There's nothing wrong with liking each other as people, so if the sexual signals aren't there, don't do anything to screw such friendships up.

I understand I should be careful at my workplace and agree with everybody about that (thanks to all of you guys for sharing some advice with me by the way!).
The thing is we are not actually friends. We just get along pretty well at work and seem to have this chemistry with each other. It's true there are no "sexual signals" in the sense that he never made it completely clear he is sexually atracted to me. But unfortunately homossexuality is still culturally repressed, so sometimes we are affraid of showing it right away, and had to evolve into giving more subtle signs. I think it's part of our gaydar the ability to feel and detect those subtle signals. And, in general, shy people might have this kind of behaviour, and still have sexual interest. So that does not necessarilly mean he is not interested.

He gives me signals he is curious. It is clear to me he likes that teasing game and he is just playing arround testing his own limits, but at some point he is not ready for more. I forgot mentioning he does not know that I'm gay. But I don't think he is testing me to see if Im gay so that he could be more straightforward (no pun intended) with me. He probably suspects I like guys and, as I said, likes to tease me.

I can see that he probably would be emotionally harmful to me if I wanted a relationship with him. And I am also aware it is not my role to help him understand his desires. This does not mean I want to hurt him or that he is "disposable" to me. What I mean is I am open to have some fun with him, without that meaning anything more than two human beings experiencing their bodies together with someone they're attracted to and have some level of chemistry.

My question is how do you "unlock" a guy like this? How do you gain is confidence so that he trusts you to experience with him and is sure you can keep it a secret? I know that everyone is different, and these are not easy answers, but maybe someone has been through the same and has some experience to share.
Sorry for the long post and forgive me the errors (english is not my first language).

 

[newintown90]

Coming from experience - If you’re out and a dude you’re into isn’t but you feel something there, just remember to think about your future emotions. Sounds cliche but 100 percent of the time you will not get what you really want out of the situation. Fooling around is fun but fooling around with someone who accepts themselves, respects your commitment to being yourself, and can communicate those things is WAY more fulfilling.

Of course that’s also in an ideal world. So I say, always wait for him to make the first move but create circumstances for that to happen: hang out one on one(nothing will happen unless there is an atmosphere of privacy and discretion), talk about sex extremely casually (gives off I don’t want anything serious vibes), and do not push him. If he actually wants something to happen, he will make the move.

If he wants you, he will come to you. And he can’t make you feel bad about coming on to him if you didn’t get a clear signal. And I mean crystal clear. Closet guys have a habit of making that happen if they’re ready to take that step into “experimentation”. As long as you keep the mindset of you’re not his first and not his last (despite what they say). Respect your feelings and your body!

I was in the closet for a long time (23 out of 25 years) before I finally came out and have hooked up with dudes with the same closet behavior. Life’s much better on the other side and it’s not your job to teach him ANYTHING. He will come to you when he feels safe to, if that’s something he actually wants. He may also just want to flirt to get his gay feelings out of his system. Sometimes it doesn’t escalate past that which is why I say just let him come to you and try not to make him into more than he is.


Sorry that was so long winded but I’ve been coming to terms with how being in the closet is traumatizing and I had the time to rant. Good luck to ya friend!

I love "long winded" replies! Thank you very much and good luck to you too.

 

[aoin_uk]

He may be flirtatious by nature. He may just enjoy teasing you. Now in porn and Netflix dramas, the flirtatious colleague gets you alone, there's one more misdirected misunderstanding, and then you're fucking over the photocopier.

In real life, you could reach for cock and that's when your friendship stops.

I would suggest taking things naturally, slowly, and with great care and attention. I like bd_love's response above a lot. Sadly, being the "only gay in the village" (if you will) means that curious or potentially gay colleagues may just use you as a sounding board or testing centre. It can be quite tiring and hurtful, realising that you're just being used, essentially, because a guy who is ultimately straight likes messing around and getting entertained. This is where you might want to find the right way to talk through a few things when the time is right.

 

[248227]

Just get over it and move on. Never gonna happen.

 

[socalfreak]

I think you have an overactive imagination and are hoping your little fantasy will come true.
But...
He's not gay.
He's never given any sign he was interested.
He refuses to hang out with you, even as a friend.

Let it go.

 

[canadian_guy486]

Ok here’s what you do for the next step: download a dating app, match with a guy who is actually gay, pursue a relationship with him. Leave the straight guy with the women he is clearly into and stop reading into friendly gestures. A look, a smile, an accidental leg graze, is not an indication that a guy is repressing feelings of wanting to have sex with another man.

 

[wavejock]

Im going to come at this as the " straight" guy. Although I have been with dudes, even dated in past as well as hooking up.. and I consider myself bi..generally speaking everyone knows me as "straight" at work. There is a guy in my office who I didn't know what his situation was but I suspected he was gay or bi. A girl in my office had said something like oh he said he was straight..but then he said he tried dating guys too so he is bi. But no GF or anything. Anyway we are friendly at work, joke around and on work trips/conferences we will chat, make jokes, etc But we have never hung out socially in a non work related capacity and I dont hang out with work colleagues in a non work related activity. But I definitely got a vibe from him. And our work texts were getting increasingly flirty..or he'd subtly say something that was more friendly vs work related. While we are all working from home all the communication was virtual but below are some of things he has has actually texted to me after it started as a work related chat:
- " Its working for you" when a chat about work turned to working out and and what we were doing during Covid for fitness
- " if youre going to beach and not picking me up I swear to god..." After I said i was blowing work off early..
- " It looked good on you though" After I forgot to take off a bandana I was wearing on a work zoom call after going to gym.
- " See here I was thinking you wore it on purposes because not many can pull that off" referring to above
- " you remind me of the Dos Equis guy..the most interesting man in the world..."

So there is a lot of this, a lot of flirting with me. I have to be honest man..I do eat it up. Its cool to know that a dude ( he is cute and all) who is gay or bi would be interested in me. So I am friendly. I feed into it And really he is a nice guy so Im friendly back to him..but its an ego boost.

I do not know if I would ever pursue anything more..I mean say we had to room together on a biz trip ( we dont usually but ist happened at times) who knows...but I would not want others to know...and trust me...if you hook up with a person from work it WILL come out. Im not saying you will get in trouble..but rarely does it stay a secret. Someone will mention it during a drinking nite out..." hey dont tell anyone but Jim and I...." I know so many stories about others in office who have done something..

So my advice is..flirting is fun...its exciting...but id leave it at that...Im 100% not against hooking up, whether its the gay dude who wants the straight guy..or vice versa...but work stuff...it can just get weird and you dont want that. If I had to guess..and im assuming here...like a few said above...the " straight" guy likes the attention..he maybe even gets off on it. Doesnt make him bad or anything...makes him human..

 

[Infernal]

It may be that he's stroking his own ego with the attention he gets from you. Once you push the issue and try to make a move it will become to real for him and he will back off, or go running. It's best to just avoid the situation.