I Have A Confession To Make

[Pauggon]

I have a confession to make

I feel like I should talk about something that's been eating me up recently. I'd usually talk about this in therapy, but I had to quit therapy a few months back bc of money issues (last semester of med school, can barely afford a bottle of water).

Here we go
I had a relationship with a guy in 2017, lasted for about 5-6 months. I was really insecure and had just came out. He was a bit older, had already graduated, had a job and a comfortable life, was much more experienced than I was. Long story short, he broke up with me, said that he wasn't in love anymore and that was it. I was pretty broke about it, since I had invested a lot on it emotionally. The thing is I never really took him outta my head, ever, even with therapy.

After a while, I started another relationship with another guy, which is still going on for 2 years. He's crazy about me, I'd say more than I am about him. He has some things about him that really bother me, even though I love him. He is a bit immature and extremely dependent emotionally. The thing is I don't really see it going long term, and I'm about to graduate, may have to change cities in order to work, so that's another thing.

Finally, I would talk eventually to my ex on instagram, usually after a few beers, and it was always a bit vague and whatever. Last weekend, he invited me over for a drink and to hang out. I showed up, and after some catching up we kissed and slept together (not sex, just sleep). Ever since, I can't stop thinking about the motherfucker, and I feel that deep down I went there because I hoped there would be a chance for reconciliation.

I'm pretty sad about the whole thing, especially because I feel trapped with someone I'm not really in love, and the one I think about has proven to be a bit of an asshole, but I still wanna have another chance with him.

I don't know if anyone will read this, it feels good to write about it though.

 

[CoolHanz]

We have a saying in the US, rip the band-aid off quickly.
If the current relationship is not going where you want it to go, then end it. What is going on with your former lover is irrelevant. You and your current partner need to move forward either together or apart - and if you know it will be apart, then do it. Don’t wait for it to get messy when another one comes along.

 

[DiamondJoe]

You are torturing yourself.

Sort out one problem at a time, starting with your current relationship.

Your previous relationship is... a kind of fantasy safe place atm...? But you cannot compare it to the reality that you need to deal with first.

 

[Juiceypeen]

Probably not my place to say but could it be you're still insecure? Looking for safety with the previous guy because he's older?

 

[Pauggon]

Probably not my place to say but could it be you're still insecure? Looking for safety with the previous guy because he's older?

In fact, my current one is also older, but still a bit immature. I guess part of the ex’s lure is the fact that he has a job and a life, and I’m pretty close to have it too, once I graduate this December (doctor here in Brazil are pretty well paid from the start). My current one is still early on college, and he has a bunch of family problems that prevent him from taking me to his folks; while with the ex I got pretty involved with his friends and family. I really liked that about the relationship

 

[Juiceypeen]

In fact, my current one is also older, but still a bit immature. I guess part of the ex’s lure is the fact that he has a job and a life, and I’m pretty close to have it too, once I graduate this December (doctor here in Brazil are pretty well paid from the start). My current one is still early on college, and he has a bunch of family problems that prevent him from taking me to his folks; while with the ex I got pretty involved with his friends and family. I really liked that about the relationship

I don't know. Maybe it's the immaturity that's making you feel insecure? And you long for the security of your ex in that and maybe other respects?

 

[Pauggon]

You are torturing yourself.

Sort out one problem at a time, starting with your current relationship.

Your previous relationship is... a kind of fantasy safe place atm...? But you cannot compare it to the reality that you need to deal with first.

I’ve always felt a bad about breaking up with him given his emotional dependence. We had a bit of a rough patch early on and I asked to break up, and he said he wouldn't take it without a good explanation. And he says he's very traumatised about people leaving him.
We're not in a bad place overall, we don't fight much and I still like him, I just don't feel that spark anymore.

All I know is that with all that's going on, my anxiety levels are through the roof, even with my usual medication. I'm not a religious guy, but I find myself praying to get rid of these feelings.

 

[Juiceypeen]

I’ve always felt a bad about breaking up with him given his emotional dependence. We had a bit of a rough patch early on and I asked to break up, and he said he wouldn't take it without a good explanation. And he says he's very traumatised about people leaving him.
We're not in a bad place overall, we don't fight much and I still like him, I just don't feel that spark anymore.

All I know is that with all that's going on, my anxiety levels are through the roof, even with my usual medication. I'm not a religious guy, but I find myself praying to get rid of these feelings.

I hear ya. Not a doctor of any kind so i hope it works out for the best. Seems very complicated.

 

[DiamondJoe]

I’ve always felt a bad about breaking up with him given his emotional dependence. We had a bit of a rough patch early on and I asked to break up, and he said he wouldn't take it without a good explanation. And he says he's very traumatised about people leaving him.
We're not in a bad place overall, we don't fight much and I still like him, I just don't feel that spark anymore.

All I know is that with all that's going on, my anxiety levels are through the roof, even with my usual medication. I'm not a religious guy, but I find myself praying to get rid of these feelings.

Are you possibly over-analysing things? There's no law that says All Relationships Will Be Amazing 100% Of The Time. Be realistic. People are never perfect and relationships require ongoing work and compromise on both sides. I sometimes wonder if the internet, sites like this, online "dating" create a picture that, whatever it is you have got, there's something better round the corner...

Perhaps the answer lies in making extra effort with your relationship? Take the time to make your partner feel wanted, more secure. Make time to do silly stuff together. Fucking is always a good one.


However. If that route doesn't strike you as a goer, I would suggest you have your ultimate answer: stop prevaricating and split.


Free advice, no charge.

 

[deleted1846971]

You aren’t trapped with your current boyfriend. You just aren’t willing to make the decision you know you need to make.

 

[halcyondays]

Analgesics relieve physical pain, anti-depressants relieve depression, anti-anxiety drugs reduce anxiety but there is no prescription for grief except to grieve.

Feel it all! Grieve it all.

You can't help who you fall in love with. Nor can you help the intensity of the love you feel. That's okay. Try to stop wanting it to be different. You can't think your way out of it. You can only feel your way out. Bit by bit, day by day, feeling it is releasing it.

I lost my first great love over 35 years ago when we were premed majors. It was so intense I still think of her every day. It took a couple years for my broken heart to heal. For every two steps forward I took one step back. I spent so much time wanting to get her back. I did plenty of backsliding trying to bury my feelings. It only delayed the process.

My advice? Your ex dumped you because he's no longer in love with you. Don't go back to him again.

 

[cedarizzo]

You need to dump the current guy. You aren't in love with him. It isn't fair to him or you to stay together.

Forget about the ex. He dumped you. You need to move on. He didn't want a relationship with you.

You need to worry about finishing school and get over both of these guys. Then after you are happy with yourself, then start looking for a new guy.

 

[dreamer20]

(med school)
I had a relationship with {GUY 1} in 2017, lasted for about 5-6 months... he wasn't in love anymore and that was it. I was pretty broke about it, since I had invested a lot on it emotionally...
After a while, I started another relationship with {GUY 2}, which is still going on for 2 years. He's crazy about me... The thing is I don't really see it going long term, and I'm about to graduate, may have to change cities in order to work, so that's another thing.
Finally, ..my ex... I can't stop thinking about the motherfucker,...

Pauggon, GUY 1 doesn't want to be with you in a committed relationship. That is a dead issue. Accept that fact and stop harboring ill will toward him for it. Note you too are on the verge of doing the same thing to GUY 2 - he's similarly devoted to you. For the moment concentrate on your studies and obtaining future employment as your primary concerns. GUY 2 will ultimately have to respect any decisions that you make in any event.

 

[EllieP]

No one needs to be in a bad relationship without hope for a better future together. One or both of you is stopping that from happening.

Why would you stay somewhere where you're not fully comfortable? Do you think you're doing him any favors? Trust me, you're not. You're keeping him from growing as well.

It's not going to be easy. It's going to require a lot of strength, but you both have to talk it out, then walk away if you have to.