I need a relationship advice

[Afon9]

Some story of my life. I'm 29 y.o bottom guy and I'm married to a top 36 y.o guy. We have been together for 4 years. We met online and had a year of long distance relationship, which wasn't perfect because we lived in a different countries and seen each other every 2 months.
During the covid time we took a decision that instead of him moving to me I moved to him and we get married for a paper. After a 1.5 year living together we never had any problems until he went for a 2 weeks holiday without me and I caught him on grindr on his last day. Sadly I never saw any conversation there and he said he us it to get followers on his Instagram and for a attention and online flirt. And I trust him because I love him. But after a few months I text one of the guy (his new followers) and asked if somethings happened, and he confirmed that it was a 3some oral sex, and again my husband deny all of accusations. Plus I found on his phone in a bin a pics(screenshot) where he fuck another guy, he said it was his ex, he was just watching an old video. But screenshot shows that it was a conversation between him and his friends that he send him a pic and then open it and took a screenshot. So after we talk he still deny any cheating on me. And again I trust him. Later he went for a trip to his family (he is originally from Latin America) and before that I deleted any dating app from his phone and a cloud. And after he came back I have found that he was using grindr because it again appear in his cloud storage. And again he said a story that he use it because he was staying with his mum in a hotel next to gay sauna and he was curious to see the people around...
So after everything we had a deal that he will never travel alone without me. And finally this summer we went for a 2 weeks holiday for a Eurotrip. And during that I agree to have a grindr profile to invite someone and have fun (together). Because for a couple of months he was kind of asking for it and making some suggestions about it. So I decided to try. For me it was Ok, but we used it in Spain and Portugal so locals was into me instead of him. We could find a vers guy for both of us so it was only a top and vers top guys. So I could see that he wasnt truly enjoying it as he thought. So he asked me to visit gay saunas and I was against it but in the end I agree because he didn't get what he wants. But sadly the sauna experience was the same, only top guys and no one was into us more into me. Finally we met a guy who was handsome and we had fun with him but he was also vers top, and he offered us a poppers my husband likes it but I don't and I decided not to take it because later I'll have a headache. And also I try to made a step back and let my husband to do what ever he wants. Sadly after he accused me for not participating in action and being weird and that I ruined his moment with my actions (by refusing take poppers and had a weird face). And later when we talk we agree that probably we open a Pandora box, and he said that he afraid that maybe in a futer he will have a desire to fuck another ass(cheat)... Also I share with him about my fear that I will get older and maybe he will cheat on me or break up with me only because of my age and his respond was "I can't guarantee that, I'll be honest with you"... And now I don't know what to do... I love him and he loves me(I hope so).
PS. Even the fact that we have an amazing sex, he doesn't like foreplay and we have sex once in a week, and it goes fast and quickly. And I still feel horny and sometimes unsatisfied. And I dont know what to do and how to change the things, because I gave my everything to him.

 

[Eez1]

Sounds like this marriage not going to work out. He is constantly seeking attention/sex from others. If that is something you are okay with, then fine, continue. But it sounds like to me you are no okay with it, even after telling him your concerns he still does it even though it upsets you. Also him straight up saying to you he will cheat on you.

My advice- Divorce.

 

[Silmende]

I agree with the above. He cheated on you repeatedly.

 

[deleted23309891]

This is not good. Like I told someone else in another thread, what happened in the past is the past. We can’t change that. You can however change your future by making decisions to make you happy and content. Do what you want to do. It’s very freeing once you release yourself to it. But I believe you have to work to get there. It’s taken me a couple years now to feel content, but it’s very worth it. The things you liked and took for granted before about yourself , you love them now and will never forget in your new memories.

 

[chrisrobin]

It's not a good scenario.
Either you accept that when he goes off on his own he will have sex with other guys and that he will try and make you feel guilty about his lack of satisfaction or you split and go alone - after all you have years of good times ahead why make them a misery.
My ex of 12 plus years repeatedly strayed and then made me feel guilty that I had driven him to it. For years I had put up with his straying because in the end I was the one in bed, waiting, every night. But even that wasn't enough, the spice in his life, threesomes, orgies etc wasn't my scene, but inevitably he did meet a kindred spirit and left me.
A relationship is built of shared interests, enjoyed interests and trust, if you have none of these then call it a day, preserve your dignity by not begging for one more (followed by one more a few more times) chances.

 

[Brodie888]

Time to divorce and move on.

You can either do that or be his doormat until he decides to divorce you when he can't stand you any longer.

With the amount of cheating he is doing, you are already of little value to him. Do you really want to wait until you are worth zero before getting out?

The more you compromise, the more he will take and the less self esteem you will have left. Nobody deserves to be discounted to junk value.

Reclaim your self worth and get out and find someone worthy of your devotion.

 

[Mikaelijah]

I experienced a similar situation in a 10-year relationship that just ended (I'm 33 and he is 30). If you are monogamous or this situation makes you feel bad, you already know the answer.

The worst thing to do is to stay in a situation that no longer fits us. I neglected it for a long time and yet here we are. I had to decide to break up for my mental health.

However, the choice is yours, and every choice needs the right time to be made.

 

[8Cylinder]

All of these comments are absolutely correct. Tell him you need to talk seriously, that it will be under one minute. Tell him he must look you in the eyes and concentrate on what you are saying.

Then, “I am unhappy and unfulfilled. I’ve given you everything you asked for and need. This is not how I want to live. I changed my life and moved here for you, so I will expect you to pay half of the cost for me to get a life back. A life where I am respected and valued. You treat me like an unecessary accessory checked on once per week. It’s over, no more.”

 

[Graham123]

I don’t think I can add anymore really there is plenty of sound advice given, it’s up to you now to either act on that advice or put up and shut up as they say! Either way it won’t be an easy ride but you have to set your own objectives in this, it’s your life also, what do you want out of it and this relationship? if he can’t give that to you then you know in your own heart what you have to do to rectify it.