Is 1 Year Too Soon? (LDR Question)

[6798491]

I'm 26, live in the USA, polyamorous and have 3 boyfriends (And all 3 of us are in long distance relationships with each other).

One (the person I'm writing about - let's call him Scott) is my partner of 8 months, who lives in Argentina.
The other two live in the Philippines.

Our 1 year anniversary is October 7th.
I'm currently a certified travel agent looking for a second job to save money for my move to the West Coast & to make investments.
Scott is a 22 year old college student, and does OnlyFans (which is how we met) and moved into his first apartment in January of this year.

My big regret about our relationship is that I've been very distant, due to OnlyFans not allowing me to pay for a subscription to Scott (OnlyFans is our only way to keep in touch with each other - Scott prefers it that way).
As a backup plan, I gave him my email and my Twitter (which I never use, but one can never be so sure), in case he has no way to reach out to me.
And what happened?
Not only (for the third time in a row) do I not have a way to reach out to Scott, but now I'm also worried about losing him.

He did say "I hope we don't split up again" during our last conversation, and it plays over and over in my head.
About two months ago, I even cried because I'd be terrified of him breaking up with me.
I love him so much, so the last thing I'd ever do is ignore him.

It seems that whenever I pay for a subscription to Scott's account, I've gotten over 15 error messages over the last 8 months (this never started occurring until December 2021), and it always happens while I have more than enough money on my debit card.
It's one of the weirdest things I've ever encountered - I've been trying to find other ways to approach the error with my card, but there's nothing I can do.
Scott even paid for my subscription for 1 month (which recently expired), so now I'm trying to figure out another alternative.
And it is wild that what is nearly destroying our relationship is OnlyFans giving me error messages back to back when I make repeated attempts to reach out to Scott.

I am working to save money for my cross country move, and the problem is, Scott most likely wouldn't want to move to the USA from South America because he's enrolled in college; but I would eventually want him to move, when he's ready.

The problem on my end, is:
1) I don't have a ring.
2) I have to keep my proposal a secret (I live with homophobic family members & my mom freaked out when I said I wanted marriage and a family because I didn't ask for her permission - my family are similar to her, and my family is angry at me because my boyfriend isn't black like I am, and that he's Latin & not American);


Context & Background About My Current Situation:
When I moved out in 2020 for 5 days, my mom reported me as a Missing Person with the police (I was not missing at all; I was moving out, so she played the victim with the cops - I was furious when my family cursed me out for 2 hours, accusing me of manipulating my mother).
So even going to another town to marry my boyfriend will cause issues on my end; I'd have to come up with an elaborate story to appease my mom.
I'm almost 30 years old and my family tells me that I have to tell them where I'm going and ask for their permission - it's caused me to rebel against them for the last 10 years, and things came to a turning point when my cousin threatened to vandalize my room and we fell out; he's held a grudge against me ever since and so does my mom (My family is the 'Don't talk about family business' type of family).

I have told my boyfriend very surfaced details about my situation, and he has been very supportive and offered to help me - but since he's across the world, I told him he won't be able to help until I get an apartment on the West Coast.
Scott has also been taking up boxing and working out (which I am blown away by - I love that).

All of this has been on my mind, and the people around me (both family and friends) are unable to help me as well and have argued with me about me not being proactive (and every time I'm proactive, my family has resorted to throwing things at me, cursing me out, enabling each other to go against me, etc.).
So all of that, plus my boyfriend being the only healthy person I know, is a lot.
I love Scott with my heart and soul, so my family coming between us would make me rebel even quicker.
My family has said they know I'm rebellious and they joke about it and gossip about it as well - I never confront them about it.

All I can do is focus on the next chapter of my life, which will only involve my chosen family - friends who have supported me when nobody else could or wanted to, and my partners (of course).
I just try to remember a quote I heard once, "You are the architect of your own destiny."

But, my question is, is 1 year too soon to propose - given my situation?
Should I rethink this, or am I making the right step forward?
But seeing that he has gone the extra mile for me, proposing is my way of going the extra mile for him & I'm ready to take the next step with him.

 

[Stephenmass]

LDR relationships, especially with ones that technically you've never met, rarely work out. I'm not sure I'd do anything like you suggest without knowing how we all would get along in person. Online personas are one thing, IRL is quite another.

 

[6798491]

LDR relationships, especially with ones that technically you've never met, rarely work out. I'm not sure I'd do anything like you suggest without knowing how we all would get along in person. Online personas are one thing, IRL is quite another.

I definitely agree.
I have dated 2 guys in person (one for 6 years and the other for 3 years; I was engaged to the 3 year guy) and it was horrible.
After they didn't work out, I went back to LDRs.

Both of them were abusive toward me.
In fact, the 3 year guy proposed to me, and the day after I accepted, he went on a date with someone else and bragged about it - and then had the nerve to say, "I didn't say I wanted to marry you. I said I was thinking about marrying you."

After dating those two, I started thinking, "Why do I date American guys? I need to look overseas."
I had brief flings with several Filipino guys, before meeting my 3 current partners.
Also - I forgot to mention that one of them wants to move to the States to live with me.
If I had my own apartment right now, I would gladly let him; however, due to not only my mother rudely forcing me to live with her and none else, as well as my financial situation, I'm stuck until my move to the West Coast.

And if the West Coast doesn't work, my Plan B is moving to England.
My family is xenophobic anyway, so they would never think of flying to England to find me.

 

[Infernal]

My big regret about our relationship is that I've been very distant, due to OnlyFans not allowing me to pay for a subscription to Scott (OnlyFans is our only way to keep in touch with each other - Scott prefers it that way).

This and everything else wrong with your access to his OnlyFans is a huge red flag for me. If he won't give you another way to keep in touch with him, he's not invested in you. He's invested in your money and I'm willing to bet you aren't the only one he has a 'relationship' with. Tread carefully and don't make life plans based on the actions of people you haven't met in person.

 

[WilliamG]

My big regret about our relationship is that I've been very distant, due to OnlyFans not allowing me to pay for a subscription to Scott (OnlyFans is our only way to keep in touch with each other - Scott prefers it that way).

A relationship based on OF... Move on. This should be obvious.

 

[6798491]

A relationship based on OF... Move on. This should be obvious.

I did tell you earlier that I learned to stop dating people I knew personally.
It never ends well.
One I dated for 6 years and the other for 3.
They were the worst relationships I've ever had.
That's why I stick to long distance - I ask for selfies, ID, videos - that's how I know they're real and not some idiots trying to mess with me, like my exes were.

 

[WilliamG]

I did tell you earlier that I learned to stop dating people I knew personally.
It never ends well.
One I dated for 6 years and the other for 3.
They were the worst relationships I've ever had.
That's why I stick to long distance - I ask for selfies, ID, videos - that's how I know they're real and not some idiots trying to mess with me, like my exes were.

My point was this sentence you posted:
"OnlyFans is our only way to keep in touch with each other - Scott prefers it that way"
Come on man, this will not end well.

 

[Sfcubby]

That’s not a relationship, it’s a sex worker being creative about how he gets paying customers.

 

[bcziii]

A relationship based on OF... Move on. This should be obvious.

That’s where I stopped reading. It doesn’t take a genius to realize that this is sketchy as hell.

 

[mintaraga]

too many red flags here to be called a romantic relationship, not even friendship. are you sure he's also emotionally invested in you?

 

[Merophe]

That’s where I stopped reading. It doesn’t take a genius to realize that this is sketchy as hell.

same here lol

 

[Rxmitzi]

That’s not a relationship, it’s a sex worker being creative about how he gets paying customers.

Exactly. And they think they’re going to propose to this person? When the so-called “relationship” is clearly just the man doing his job? I’m getting second hand embarrassment just thinking about the major rejection that’s about to go down when he proposes. Yikes.

 

[Vanced]

Ya'll guys are real dicks, you know that? It's not what you say (because I agree with your bottom line assessments); it's how you say it. So much for empathy from your own community. No wonder we are all so fucked up.

 

[bcziii]

Ya'll guys are real dicks, you know that? It's not what you say (because I agree with your bottom line assessments); it's how you say it. So much for empathy from your own community. No wonder we are all so fucked up.

They need to hear the hard truth before they end up majorly embarrassing themselves by trying to "propose" to this person. WAY too many obvious red flags that are being ignored.

 

[Rxmitzi]

Ya'll guys are real dicks, you know that? It's not what you say (because I agree with your bottom line assessments); it's how you say it. So much for empathy from your own community. No wonder we are all so fucked up.

I'd much rather be humiliated by some anonymous strangers on the internet than the person I am trying to propose to.

 

[Vanced]

I'd much rather be humiliated by some anonymous strangers on the internet than the person I am trying to propose to.

How about this? Nobody gets humiliated by anybody. Could you imagine such a thing? Are we capable of that? For some of us, guess not.

 

[Rxmitzi]

How about this? Nobody gets humiliated by anybody. Could you imagine such a thing? Are we capable of that? For some of us, guess not.

I said what I said. I’m not going to sugar coat the truth or lie about it. Like I said, it’s better that they hear the hard truth now instead of when they try to propose.

 

[678wsb]

Ya'll guys are real dicks, you know that? It's not what you say (because I agree with your bottom line assessments); it's how you say it. So much for empathy from your own community. No wonder we are all so fucked up.

How exactly do you want people to respond?

 

[cedarizzo]

The hard truth is you have a long way to go before you are ready for marriage. You don't sound very mature. You need to move out and stand up to your family. Stop letting them control your life. You really don't know Scott. Besides talking to him online, you don't know anything about him. There is a LOT about a person you should know before you propose to them. First off, do either of you actually have plans to live with the other? I think that would be a big hurdle you need take care of. Sorry, you seem to lack maturity. You have a lot of years ahead of you, just enjoy what you have now and worry about marriage when you meet the right person.

 

[6798491]

The hard truth is you have a long way to go before you are ready for marriage. You don't sound very mature. You need to move out and stand up to your family. Stop letting them control your life. You really don't know Scott. Besides talking to him online, you don't know anything about him. There is a LOT about a person you should know before you propose to them. First off, do either of you actually have plans to live with the other? I think that would be a big hurdle you need take care of. Sorry, you seem to lack maturity. You have a lot of years ahead of you, just enjoy what you have now and worry about marriage when you meet the right person.

Put yourself in my shoes.
Your exes were horrible to you for several years, but you dumped them and took time to improve yourself, for the right person.
2 years pass (and you stayed single in those 2 years, to focus on your priorities), and you start dating someone new.
They're the first person who is loyal & trustworthy with you, and you are to them.
Both of you have careers you're working toward, you both are decently well off (not rich, and not poor: middle class), and you're both planning for each other's futures.
The relationship has a lot of potential.

Knowing all that, is it senseless to abandon them, break up and move onto someone who might do the exact same thing you did to your ex? Or, help your relationship with your current partner evolve into an even more sustainable one?