Is this a turn-off?

[therebrand]

I'm polyamorous.
Whether I'm single or in a relationship, in private, I love to jack off to my friends and my exes.
I keep that private and to myself, but I always felt like it was a shameful kink or fetish I have (maybe it's because I grew up Christian; maybe it's because I grew up as a nerdy kid who was an outcast & was a late bloomer after graduation; I don't know).

Two former bullies from my school years - who are still attractive - are both bi and closeted, and they also gave me huge wrestling & MMA fetishes.
I love jacking off to MMA training videos, and MMA workouts - I can't explain it.

I once heard someone say, "Trauma becomes your fetish", and that's what happened to me (I was bullied, and my bullies were just under 6 feet tall and around the time they stopped bullying me, they opened their own MMA gym and they still compete in MMA professionally).

This was a secret I was going to take to my grave, and not tell anyone.
But it is 2024, and I felt that I need to loosen up and stop being so modest and stop being so guarded and serious all the time, and open up and be more confident, in the hopes it might be more mentally freeing/a mental release for me.

 

[therebrand]

I edited the original post, but LPSG isn't letting me modify it.
So here's Version 2:

I'm polyamorous.
Whether I'm single or in a relationship, in private, I love to jack off to my friends and my exes.
I keep that private and to myself, but I always felt like it was a shameful kink or fetish I have (maybe it's because I grew up Christian; maybe it's because I grew up as a nerdy kid who was an outcast & was a late bloomer after graduation; I don't know).

Two former bullies from my school years - who are still attractive - are both bi and closeted, and they also gave me huge wrestling & MMA fetishes.
I love jacking off to MMA training videos, and MMA workouts - I can't explain it.

I once heard someone say, "Trauma becomes your fetish", and that's what happened to me (I was bullied, and my bullies were just under 6 feet tall and around the time they stopped bullying me, they opened their own MMA gym and they still compete in MMA professionally).
One of them actually followed me on Instagram, for a few weeks; but when I messaged him to ask him about the bullying, he unfollowed me, which still leaves me regretting confronting him about it, since he probably would've been open to a friendship or something, had I not opened my big mouth and DM'ed him about our past in school, since we've both gone through a lot since then (he's married, I've been engaged 3 times but never married - all those relationships ended).

Also - one of my old friends is serving 20 years in prison (I won't say why).
However, he's closeted, and he's always been nice to me; he's an ally & he trusts me (which is rare in my area; I live in a homophobic small town) and we used to flirt & he sent me nudes years ago and opened up to me.
We've been friends since childhood, since my little cousins were his best friends & one of them still is, to this day, so he's always been fond of me.
I want to pick up where we (my friend and I) left off with our friendship, but I don't know how (he's still in prison, but I don't know his contact info, but I do want to keep in touch with him).

These things were all secrets I was going to take to my grave, and not tell anyone.
But it is 2024, and I felt that I need to loosen up and stop being so modest and stop being so guarded and serious all the time, and open up and be more confident, in the hopes it might be more mentally freeing/a mental release for me.
Seeing that so many people have gone through similar things, I felt it necessary for me to open up, too.

 

[1Sean1]

If you know the guy's full name or if it's not too common of a name, I believe there's a prisoner search feature that will allow you to look him up and write to him.

 

[therebrand]

If you know the guy's full name or if it's not too common of a name, I believe there's a prisoner search feature that will allow you to look him up and write to him.

His first name is common, but his first name is not (he's Brazilian-American).