Looking For Female Advice

[TallGuy2007]

I'm in my early 60's, married for 30+ years, three adult kids, semi-retired. At the beginning of our marriage we had a pretty good sex life, although I was looking for 2-3 times a week and she was interested in once a week at best. She isn't into kissing, making out, etc.

As time has gone on, her interest in sex has decreased more. I told myself that I wouldn't leave until the kids are grown and out of the house. That's now done. All kids finished their education and have good jobs.

I've recently been planning an exit strategy and out of the blue, my wife told me she has lost all desire for sex and she knows that bothers me. Wow. First time she ever admitted that. She asked me to help her find a solution.

I suggested she see her doctor for help. She doesn't want to, and asked me to explore what options there are online. I found a number of libido enhancement pills on amazon that have good ratings (if you believe those).
Got a couple and she has been taking them. Bottle says it takes 45 days or more to work.

If I can get our sex life to rebound, I would consider staying.

I'm looking for some female advice on this. Does anyone have any ideas or suggestions? Any particular types of non-prescription medication that might help? Or herbal supplements, etc?

If the doctor is the way to go, I'm going to push her in that direction, but I think she doesn't want to talk to her doctor about the issue.

Thanks very much!

 

[MickeyLee]

She needs to see two doctors.

One for a medical check up and a hormone baseline. At her age hormonal changes can kill libido or can cause physical discomfort enough to make sex miserable. There are heaps of treatment options from HRT *pills to location applied topicals* to exercises/PT and heaps others.

Two. A therapist of some type. Where she is at in life is frightening. The idea of being alone. Guilt related to not having a mutually satisfying sexual relationship. Feeling pressured. Kids being out of her daily life. You mentioned her not enjoying intimacy such as kissing, she might have older issues to work through. All that and the Hell Corn Maze the last 6 months has been for everyone.

ETA2: a solo talk with a therapist would do you a powerful amount of good. Everything she's dealing with emotionally, you are carrying the flip side. Someone to talk to and teach copes would help you no matter what ya end decision is.

Both of you need relationship counseling. Not just because of the lack of sex. Because you are weighing the option of leaving after 30 years. I promise there are underlying issues be covered up by the lack of sex. And if the marriage ends, being able to part with issues resolved will be better for you both. For the separation and future partners.

Nothing you can order online will do much. She won't develope a pornstar libido because she never had one to begin with. And hoping from one unregulated pill to the next might have serious health drawbacks.

ETA: I am sympathetic to where you're at. Smooching and kanoodling is my language of love. Having all the touchy-humping gone would be a kick in my gut. Truly hope you both find away to be happy.

 

[286798]

+1 to ML.

I also gotta give your wife an atta-girl for her recognition that her libido is an issue for you. That takes some courage and vulnerability to bring it up. Lets face it... it's not an issue FOR HER. She acknowledged that her current state is an issue FOR YOU. I hope you can come to a resolution that's mutually agreeable.

I'll add that when I feel appreciated, I'm the most frisky. I loved my ex fiercely and he loved me deeply. My ex-husband and I had different love languages. He bought me expensive stuff that wasn't what I wanted, and got resentful when I didn't give it up. He didn't appreciate the acts of service things that I did all the damn time, and I got resentful and didn't give it up. We're now divorced. All that love misdirected/misunderstood.

If I can get our sex life to rebound, I would consider staying.

I'm gonna push you a bit here in hopes that you do some self reflection. Is most everything else in your marriage generally happy? Maybe use this to help reflect on the overall state of your marriage.

Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum

If you are just missing sex, because that's the ONLY thing you've mentioned, it sounds like you're throwing away 30+ years of companionship and trust for a questionable number of years that you'll still be able to perform. Look at the big picture... if you were to have a stroke or heart attack or whatever... is she the one who you'd want by your sickbed? Not for nothing, but you're both at an age where this is a real concern for both of you. If the tables were turned and you had erectile disfunction and were physically unable to have sex with her, would you feel she'd be justified to leave your marriage over lack of sex? Of if one of your investments goes tits up and you're not bringing in what she expects... would she be justified in leaving for that one thing?

I'M NOT SAYING SEX ISN"T IMPORTANT. It is. But IMO, intimacy and trust is even more important. If she's unwilling to meet you in the middle or go to the doctor or whatever is needed for both of you to feel satisfied, maybe propose an open marriage?

 

[MickeyLee]

what Ms Lurker threw down.

 

[Scarletbegonia]

Adding to the brilliant advice you have gotten, why does she refuse/resist the doc?
What does she fear?

Even if she isn’t interested in sex, any change is a sign (contrasted to a symptom).
Women’s health after 50 is different.
Good gynecological health leads to better continence, self confidence, and longer lives.
It’s beyond squishing titties and scraping the cervix.
It’s hormone balance, it’s adequate moisture in tissues day to day, monitoring for prolapse, and pelvic tone.

 

[Scarletbegonia]

Ooorrrrrr....start with not stepping out and claiming you are already divorcing.

Reality Check And Advice Needed - Travel Partner

always check the post history.

 

[286798]

always check the post history.

Sigh.

I am regularly disappointed by people here. Routinely. I think I may need a break.

 

[6026411]

OP, your profile says 50% straight, 50% gay. Does your wife know this? Is this playing into her feelings about sex with you? Or the reason she doesn't want to talk to a doctor or therapist? What messages, real or imagined, is she receiving from you about your sex life together?

 

[Scarletbegonia]

Sigh.

I am regularly disappointed by people here. Routinely. I think I may need a break.

More sickening than Covid.

 

[EllieP]

Ooorrrrrr....start with not stepping out and claiming you are already divorcing.

Reality Check And Advice Needed - Travel Partner

always check the post history.

Dammit, I was already down the rabbit hole.

 

[Scarletbegonia]

Dammit, I was already down the rabbit hole.

Sorry. Welcome to the plebeian side.