Hey guys I'm still fairly new to this site but wanted to start a discussion and see if anyone had any advice or maybe even resonated with this post. I'm a 21 year old black kid thats a dancer and I workout pretty often from time to time. I used to be extremely active a few years ago which was when my body was at its best I'd say , but due to anxiety I don't go to the gym as much anymore and covid didn't help at all either. That being said I LOVE LOVE LOVE the male form especially when someone is well built but still toned I think it is so gorgeous but whenever I'm looking at other guys on Instagram, on this site or even watching Twitter porn I always find myself saying "...damn I wish I looked like that..". It also doesn't help that a lot of the guys I'm looking at are white or non-black (problematic I know but I'm being truthful) and of course speaking truthfully a lot of the appeal with these men/porn videos is the fact a lot of people don't look like that so its a fantasy and I understand that but I guess it still makes me feel some type of way I dunno....I've tried to talk to a lot of my peers about this but my dilema is in their eyes I look a lot like the guys I'm "jealous" of or "trying to emulate" it also doesn't help a lot of my friends tend to be women and the one other gay male friend I have is plus sized and white so were totally coming from different places/experiences. A lot of people I feel like would just say well why don't you just get as built as them so you don't feel insecure anymore. Which I probably will do once I'm not a broke college kid anymore lol , but I do feel like thats a temporary solution to a long term problem. I'd like to get to a place with myself where I can look at these people and just admire them without feeling less then. Cant wait to see the responses on this
Loving everybody except my body
- Thread starter JaxonBlaque
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There's a lot going on there and there's a lot to unpack.
Your age - Please don't take this as patronising but you're 21. Even though you are most likely fit and healthy due to your active fitness and because in other people's eyes you "look a lot like the guys [you're] jealous of"; you are still young enough to get whatever body you want.
Low self-esteem - Regarding looking at others and feeling "less-than", I totally understand and it is a difficult feeling to shake. I even wrote a profile status recently alluding to exactly that. In my experience, the only way to combat that feeling is to focus on yourself and your own self-worth. Recognise that you are unique in your own right and have plenty to offer. Remember there will be people who perhaps look upon YOU with envious eyes wishing they had YOUR qualities.
Social Media - You've already written everything I would touch on regarding guys in porn but it's a complex topic someone could write an essay on. You already know those images are touched up. You already know it's fantasy. It's an industry that is unlikley to move away from the traditionally attractive men who are tall, ripped and incredibly good-looking so I would try to think of it like The News; you only ever see bad news because it sells (much like those guys) but there are plently of 'average' guys out there that are attractive too. It's a poor analogy but it helps me think, "I'm not the minority here, they are with their perfect genes lol". Maybe steer your online habits to focusing on men who are similiar to you and see just how successful they are. I bet there are plenty.
*not saying you're average looking. I don't even know what you look like but you understand the sentiment.
I can't really comment on the colour of your skin part of your post and the difference in "places/experiences" because I'm white like your mate. Actually, I was unsure what relevance that had tbh. Perhaps I'm being nieve or ignorant?? I don't know.
Hope your mindset improves though and your anxiety subsides. Note sure what help I was.
Your age - Please don't take this as patronising but you're 21. Even though you are most likely fit and healthy due to your active fitness and because in other people's eyes you "look a lot like the guys [you're] jealous of"; you are still young enough to get whatever body you want.
Low self-esteem - Regarding looking at others and feeling "less-than", I totally understand and it is a difficult feeling to shake. I even wrote a profile status recently alluding to exactly that. In my experience, the only way to combat that feeling is to focus on yourself and your own self-worth. Recognise that you are unique in your own right and have plenty to offer. Remember there will be people who perhaps look upon YOU with envious eyes wishing they had YOUR qualities.
Social Media - You've already written everything I would touch on regarding guys in porn but it's a complex topic someone could write an essay on. You already know those images are touched up. You already know it's fantasy. It's an industry that is unlikley to move away from the traditionally attractive men who are tall, ripped and incredibly good-looking so I would try to think of it like The News; you only ever see bad news because it sells (much like those guys) but there are plently of 'average' guys out there that are attractive too. It's a poor analogy but it helps me think, "I'm not the minority here, they are with their perfect genes lol". Maybe steer your online habits to focusing on men who are similiar to you and see just how successful they are. I bet there are plenty.
*not saying you're average looking. I don't even know what you look like but you understand the sentiment.
I can't really comment on the colour of your skin part of your post and the difference in "places/experiences" because I'm white like your mate. Actually, I was unsure what relevance that had tbh. Perhaps I'm being nieve or ignorant?? I don't know.
Hope your mindset improves though and your anxiety subsides.
Note sure what help I was.
halcyondays
Worshipped Member
Make no judgments, make no comparisons, delete the need to understand.
That's an old Zen saying about how any problem in life can be resolved using one of those three.
So maybe stop comparing yourself to what you see on Insta and Twitter? Along with that stop judging yourself in those comparisons. Drive yourself crazy otherwise. Do you need that anxiety?
You like to dance. Move. You like being in your body. Working out. Do that. If for no other reason do it for the pleasure it gives you. Sounds like you're already eyes deep in love. Let the rest fall where it may.
That's an old Zen saying about how any problem in life can be resolved using one of those three.
So maybe stop comparing yourself to what you see on Insta and Twitter? Along with that stop judging yourself in those comparisons. Drive yourself crazy otherwise. Do you need that anxiety?
You like to dance. Move. You like being in your body. Working out. Do that. If for no other reason do it for the pleasure it gives you. Sounds like you're already eyes deep in love. Let the rest fall where it may.
So..., yeah, it is a lot; will try to brief and helpful.
Honestly, I see it as journey of self-love, self-acceptance, and feeling adequate enough to work toward the goals you want because you want them, not because of someone else. At the end of the day, only you have to live with yourself. Why not make that the best you can?
At your age, I was skin and bones, considered effeminate, and due to an early introduction to porn and other traumas, saw myself as fundamentally imperfect, flawed, unlovable. It is for that reason I struggled to love myself.
Being "black," porn (implicitly) taught me I had to be bigger in all retrospects to be seen as sexually desirable; family always told me I had to work twice as hard as non-POCs to get a position; societal expectations (implicitly) of people like me showed me that I came from nothing and probably would have nothing. It is for these reasons I struggled to see myself as adequate.
And because so many others did not accept me, I struggled to accept myself.
What I found to be true:
The fact that you are alive today is proof enough that you are lovable, but that love has to start and end with you. It is an unconditional love, not based on how you look or what you do, but because in the grand scheme of things you are uniquely you. I mean, how can you expect somebody else to love you if even you refuse to love yourself? I would also add, how can you truly love somebody else if you do not know how to love yourself?
The fact you have been able to do anything well is not a question of how defective others view you, rather of how sufficiently you performed the task. Even more so, how adequately better could somebody who is not you be at being you? It is like expecting a fish to climb a tree and being disappointed that it did not. Nobody else can be more adequately you because they were never meant to be you, nor you them, and rightly so.
The fact that you must first accept something in order to change it is acknowledgement enough that if you want to see yourself in a better light, you must first accept yourself as you are now, not in comparison to another. You don't track your own day to day progress by comparing it to somebody else's, as it is then not your progress.
TLDR:
To love yourself, grow into what you want to be, etc., you must first accept yourself where you are, without the biases and indoctrinated beliefs of others. Even the fantasies you have did not simply grow outside of a vacuum; they were marketed at you before you adopted them as your own. Are they even compatible with who you are or want to be?
For as long as you emulate others (versus learn from them to incorporate within yourself), you will never be or love you, for you are trying to be somebody else; a disappointment in the making because you were never intended to be someone else, lest you would be somebody else. But, you are you. At the end of the day, you came into this world bringing nothing but yourself, and will leave here in the same form hopefully some day in the far distant future. Why not just love yourself for who you are so that you can love on yourself more by working toward the things you really want while you are here on this planet?
If you want to bulk up, ultimately do it for you, so that you love yourself more each day, but realize this means you must begin to accept and love yourself where you are now. Your gains are a comparison between a present and previous state, not anybody else's progress.
Honestly, I see it as journey of self-love, self-acceptance, and feeling adequate enough to work toward the goals you want because you want them, not because of someone else. At the end of the day, only you have to live with yourself. Why not make that the best you can?
At your age, I was skin and bones, considered effeminate, and due to an early introduction to porn and other traumas, saw myself as fundamentally imperfect, flawed, unlovable. It is for that reason I struggled to love myself.
Being "black," porn (implicitly) taught me I had to be bigger in all retrospects to be seen as sexually desirable; family always told me I had to work twice as hard as non-POCs to get a position; societal expectations (implicitly) of people like me showed me that I came from nothing and probably would have nothing. It is for these reasons I struggled to see myself as adequate.
And because so many others did not accept me, I struggled to accept myself.
What I found to be true:
The fact that you are alive today is proof enough that you are lovable, but that love has to start and end with you. It is an unconditional love, not based on how you look or what you do, but because in the grand scheme of things you are uniquely you. I mean, how can you expect somebody else to love you if even you refuse to love yourself? I would also add, how can you truly love somebody else if you do not know how to love yourself?
The fact you have been able to do anything well is not a question of how defective others view you, rather of how sufficiently you performed the task. Even more so, how adequately better could somebody who is not you be at being you? It is like expecting a fish to climb a tree and being disappointed that it did not. Nobody else can be more adequately you because they were never meant to be you, nor you them, and rightly so.
The fact that you must first accept something in order to change it is acknowledgement enough that if you want to see yourself in a better light, you must first accept yourself as you are now, not in comparison to another. You don't track your own day to day progress by comparing it to somebody else's, as it is then not your progress.
TLDR:
To love yourself, grow into what you want to be, etc., you must first accept yourself where you are, without the biases and indoctrinated beliefs of others. Even the fantasies you have did not simply grow outside of a vacuum; they were marketed at you before you adopted them as your own. Are they even compatible with who you are or want to be?
For as long as you emulate others (versus learn from them to incorporate within yourself), you will never be or love you, for you are trying to be somebody else; a disappointment in the making because you were never intended to be someone else, lest you would be somebody else. But, you are you. At the end of the day, you came into this world bringing nothing but yourself, and will leave here in the same form hopefully some day in the far distant future. Why not just love yourself for who you are so that you can love on yourself more by working toward the things you really want while you are here on this planet?
If you want to bulk up, ultimately do it for you, so that you love yourself more each day, but realize this means you must begin to accept and love yourself where you are now. Your gains are a comparison between a present and previous state, not anybody else's progress.
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Thank you for being here and sharing. Sharing actually brings allows others to see there are others like you/me/us. I might not be like you or in your shoes but we're walking this minefield together.
I don't know your personality or how you interact with others but i so much appreciate when guys are real with their struggles and can stand in solidarity and not afraid to help and share battle stories. It is truly a comradery (sp?) that can allow us to compare and embrace our differences and celebrate wins together.
No person left behind. I think we forget that a lot. So many just want to claw their way to the top but when they're there what do they do? Let's do this.
I don't know your personality or how you interact with others but i so much appreciate when guys are real with their struggles and can stand in solidarity and not afraid to help and share battle stories. It is truly a comradery (sp?) that can allow us to compare and embrace our differences and celebrate wins together.
No person left behind. I think we forget that a lot. So many just want to claw their way to the top but when they're there what do they do? Let's do this.
Not everyone is attracted to the same type. You seem to have a type that you particularly like, that is perfectly fine and normal. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. We all belong to the human race and that's what sets us apart from other animals.
We can and should coexist with others. Sadly, too many of all races don't see it that way and think others are not being true to their "race" by straying to someone that looks different.
Love is truly color blind, just as it knows no gender or orientation. Love makes the world go around and I wish everyone could grasp that concept. We would have a much happier world if that were the case.
Stay positive and don't let anyone get you down.
my dear, beauty could take different forms and shapes
it s not that physical aspect that will bring you the happiness and confidence you had
actually because of your happiness and confidence you were able to express yourself in danse and wanted to make your body look harmonious to your taste.
so it s about changing your mindeset... it works
I am an actor, and when i dont act in theatre i gain weight because hey i love food
i have been bodyshamed, but I shamed the shamer lol because : my body is my story
today i have two kilos extra
yesterday i had 10
it s just my body.. it could look different, it s normal, change is part of life, yes i want to look like i used to be while practicing, but hey i can t do that all the time, or i don t want to. so ? i have to know the reality and build muy happines with it
it s not that physical aspect that will bring you the happiness and confidence you had
actually because of your happiness and confidence you were able to express yourself in danse and wanted to make your body look harmonious to your taste.
so it s about changing your mindeset... it works
I am an actor, and when i dont act in theatre i gain weight because hey i love food
i have been bodyshamed, but I shamed the shamer lol because : my body is my story
today i have two kilos extra
yesterday i had 10
it s just my body.. it could look different, it s normal, change is part of life, yes i want to look like i used to be while practicing, but hey i can t do that all the time, or i don t want to. so ? i have to know the reality and build muy happines with it
This is normal. Pretty much anybody who cares enough to workout is never happy with their body. Especially now that you can see genetic elites with photoshop everyday on social media.
I’m never happy with my physique, but then I’ll look at old photos, like damn I wish I looked like that.
As a rule of thumb, if you achieve any type of ab definition, you’re in good shape, and ppl probably notice
I’m never happy with my physique, but then I’ll look at old photos, like damn I wish I looked like that.
As a rule of thumb, if you achieve any type of ab definition, you’re in good shape, and ppl probably notice
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wow this one really did it for me ..thank u !
heinz.friedrich
Expert Member
Yes you need to accept yourself and value yourself. A lot of positive people can love everybody but dont love themselves but you have to see everything as one, if you want to advance. If you see yourself as non-lovable you see yourself as different from others and that is a judgment of yourself. And judgments are negative as another user already said.
Then you have to try to have the same feeling about Black people. You can also train that in my opinion.
jealousy is a negative emotion. I think most people describe jealousy as anger + inferiority . So you have to respect yourself and themselves more so you are not angry at them and feel yourself inferior to them. You can train to value everybody you meet in your mind including yourself without conditions. That is a good excercise.
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