Making Friends as an Adult

[Malikj]

Hey guys,

This seems like a silly question because its joked about alot in the world, but im 32 and have never had a true guy friend. I wasn't raised with men, brothers/cousins, my dad was distant and i therefore have and always had trouble relating to men or boys. im in my early 30s have a good job, own a house ect. Im starting to put more pressure on myself to get out more and meet with and learn from masculine men. It feels right to me.

The problem is as an adult, my only access to other guys are at work really. Where i work there are a few guys but they are feminized, emotional, not the kind i really want to be around. has anyone been in a similar background or situation and have successfully befriended masculine men u admire? Any advice?

 

[Shirleyurjoking]

I have the opposite problem. I pass as straight and guys at work or places I frequent like the gym always try to shoot the shit with me but I'm uncomfortable with that. They always seem to want to go hang out outside of work etc. But that's not really my element. I prefer the companionship of women because I feel more at ease with them.

One thing you could do is go do something somewhere at a regular basis like go work out at the gym at teh same time each day. If you go around the same time each day, you usually see the same people. Just nod and and say what's up. It's not weird since you see each other all the time. Eventually you or he will naturally start chit chatting about something and then you could go from there.

You might even do volunteer work on a weekend or something and you could meet people that way.

Otherwise you could always use meetup if you're not too shy. It's a place where people post events they want to do and anyone can join

Meetup - We are what we do

 

[12843051]

Sports or gym is a good one. I moved to a new city and really struggled not having mates. But joined a sports team and thag changed. But let the friendship coke naturally, don’t force anything too much.

 

[Sagittarius84]

Maybe you need to be the confident, masculine man you admire to inspire and empower others. Perhaps stop worrying if a man is too effeminate and emotional and link with men on the basis of shared moral values and interests. I've often thought one of the ways men fail ourselves collectively is allowing our associations to be steered by outside interests as opppsed to our overall betterment. Are you stoic? Do you stand on your own values? What difference should it make whether a coalition of male personalities has variances amongst themselves?
In the case of OP, I would start at work as a shared value. Perhaps judge work ethic, loyalty, and self improvement as metrics for appropriate acquaintances, then you might see friendship sprout from common interest.

 

[Sagittarius84]

You're seeking friendship in the same hypergamous fashion as a woman seeking a mating partner, and it's doing you a disservice.

 

[Malikj]

You're seeking friendship in the same hypergamous fashion as a woman seeking a mating partner, and it's doing you a disservice.

Can you elaborate further on this man?

 

[Malikj]

I have the opposite problem. I pass as straight and guys at work or places I frequent like the gym always try to shoot the shit with me but I'm uncomfortable with that. They always seem to want to go hang out outside of work etc. But that's not really my element. I prefer the companionship of women because I feel more at ease with them.

One thing you could do is go do something somewhere at a regular basis like go work out at the gym at teh same time each day. If you go around the same time each day, you usually see the same people. Just nod and and say what's up. It's not weird since you see each other all the time. Eventually you or he will naturally start chit chatting about something and then you could go from there.

You might even do volunteer work on a weekend or something and you could meet people that way.

Otherwise you could always use meetup if you're not too shy. It's a place where people post events they want to do and anyone can join

Meetup - We are what we do

i get this tho man, im masculine appearing now in my 30s, i have a beard, have the truck ect. Im learning what it all means i guess. Do you think if you had one guy that would, take u under his wing a bit you would been more comfortable?

 

[Malikj]

hey man, I am and do those things. I kind of find alot of guys my age (30s) are enjoying their well established relationships by now. Im find being a lone wolf in a sense, I would just like to not be. Would you go the sports team route? any thoughts?

Maybe you need to be the confident, masculine man you admire to inspire and empower others. Perhaps stop worrying if a man is too effeminate and emotional and link with men on the basis of shared moral values and interests. I've often thought one of the ways men fail ourselves collectively is allowing our associations to be steered by outside interests as opppsed to our overall betterment. Are you stoic? Do you stand on your own values? What difference should it make whether a coalition of male personalities has variances amongst themselves?
In the case of OP, I would start at work as a shared value. Perhaps judge work ethic, loyalty, and self improvement as metrics for appropriate acquaintances, then you might see friendship sprout from common interes

 

[Sagittarius84]

Can you elaborate further on this man?

Manhood is a spectrum, and a lot of what we consider traditional masculine behaviors do not encompass the variety of hats we need to bear in order to be content, productive human beings in a modern world. Much of modern life demonstrates that masculinity also thrives in elder/child care, and/or care of pets/environment, but might not project itself in the beard wearing, truck driving archetype we are so familiar with. The man you see as emotional and feminized, may be so confident in himself, he cares not what others think about his outward display of emotion, a stalwart tenet of traditional masculinity.
I liken this to heterosexual women's issues in this modern world, because their collective reversion to a somewhat unchecked hypergamous mating and dating strategy is slowly but surely empowering a rollback of women's rights, and agency, as the ever shrinking pool of men that are actually deemed attractive and worthy of attention, are largely unconcerned, if not all out non invested in preservation of those rights.

I happen to believe that the most positive expression of masculinity looks at the clean shaven, hybrid driving man and recognizes his potential value and contribution without having it be contingent upon his adherence to a narrow view of what a man "is", being as it isn't(nor should it be)based upon what an individual can glean from a mating partner.
While women unfortunately collectively reinforce their willingness to be the proverbial kings mistress, as opposed to the peasants wife, men would do better to recognize both as valued contributors to what it is to be a man.

 

[Sagittarius84]

hey man, I am and do those things. I kind of find alot of guys my age (30s) are enjoying their well established relationships by now. Im find being a lone wolf in a sense, I would just like to not be. Would you go the sports team route? any thoughts?

You could, but I suspect you'll face the same thing you do at work, men whom are competent in that fashion but don't necessarily project the classic tenets of traditional masculinity. But sports/team comraderie tends to traverse such limits.

 

[IEdesertGuy]

Making friends is hard after your teens. I had my friends back then. Most moved away. Fell out of contact with them. In my 40s now and I have no idea what became of most of them now. Ran into one about 4 years ago and got a quick update as he had stayed in contact with some others.

I have work where in theory I could act chummy with guys and maybe start a friendship. But in all honesty I don't want to. At this age all the guys at work just talk about how much they hate their wives and kids. Or they're ok with them but hate that they have no money because of them. No free time. Their regrets. Their new divorcee girlfriends. The guys like ten years older are already talking that old man crap about their failing bodies. Their dick problems. I always thought it was a joke kinda that men in blue collar work talk so openly about that sort of crap. But fuck me, they actually do. And I just don't want any part of it. If that's their lives I want as little to do with them as possible. I can't relate. I have none of those problems thank god.

In theory. Yeah, I would like a buddy or two to watch a 49er game with. Shout at the tv. Have some drinks with. Nothing sexual between us. No drama talk. Or talk about home projects with. The never ending shit show of house issues to toss ideas around with someone. Share tips, etc. Yeah that would be amazing. But that's not happening. Or it would include all that other crap.

So it's like. Well guys like that are definitely masculine guys. But I want nothing to do with them. But I don't want anything to do with feminine guys either. I'm at peace with just being left alone.

 

[51arledge]

This is important!
I've been hearing of and reading many scientific studies recently that men, specifically, who have long lasting friendships live longer, are healthier and are more successful than men who are loners. Some of these studies are longitudinal over 4 or 5 decades.

I count myself as fortunate because I was at one point in my early 30s an alcoholic hermit. I'm now 38 years sober and can walk into an AA meeting anywhere in the world and find new friends.

I also met the most gregarious person I've ever known when I was 36, and over the 34 years of our relationship I have become vastly more open to conversations. We live in a neighborhood where most people walk for pleasure (and exercise) and we ALWAYS have a dog. People with dogs tend to be friendlier in my experience and people with dogs always talk to other people with dogs.

I also go to a gym on a regular basis and have for years; I know dozens of people there now.

Also, as someone said before, MeetUp is a terrific app for meeting like minded people. Also, just look for clubs and volunteer opportunities.

I have more friends now at age 71 than I had in college!

 

[coolestguy]

I recommend joining a meetup group that shares your interests. It's hard to make friends in gyms or bars because the other person may not be there to make friends.

 

[P.B]

Hi Malikj, it sounds like we're from similar backgrounds. My Dad worked shifts so was mostly absent and I had no siblings, so it was mostly me, Mum, Grandma's (Granddad's had both pre-deceased me) and various aunts. All female school teachers too. I remember us getting a male teacher when I was about 12 and that being a really cool novelty.

Apart from that, these are my thoughts;

The saying about being able to choose your friends but not your relatives. I don't think this is true, I don't recall choosing any of my long term friends they just happened. We had a meal for friends a couple of years ago and I vividly remember looking up at them all round the table and thinking; "I love you all but you are WIERD! How did I get you people in my life!"

My career has been spent in a very Alpha government agency, the sort where we have the legal right to kick peoples doors down and ask questions later. I expected it to be quite macho and intimidating but I've always been surprised about how many slightly camp guys work there. One responder has said something about men who are comfortable enough in their manliness that they don't need to conform to a male norm, I guess this is a lot of men in my workplace.

Post-college most of my non-work friends I've made are from being in a particular sports society with them.

I read something in a British newspaper a few months ago about "THE CRISIS IN MASCULINITY", about how many adult males have no friends. I thought it was odd and then remembered one male friend, except on reflection the real friendship I have is with his wife (We were at college together way back when) and she reckons he that has no real friends and I was like, yup, I can believe that.

I've always thought that I have trouble meeting new people and making friends. I suspect I'm mildly autistic but I think it's also a perception because when I think I realise I have a lot of friends, maybe everyone secretly thinks it's hard to form a friendship?? I've found having a dog is a really easy way to meet people. Pre-dog I think I knew maybe 10 of our neighbours and could remember 4 of their names. Now I know about 50 or 60 people who live round about. Being with a dog somehow makes it easier to talk to people.

 

[Elusivedjg]

This thread is interesting. Having struggled with finding friends other than my husband - actually both of us struggling, couple dynamics are so complicated. There is always one of us that has more in common with another one and someone always feels left out. Ad the element of possible sexual tension (open vs monogamous or questioning monogamy) and friendships can die before they start to blossom. I've come to terms with just seeing what comes along and since I've never really had a best friend other than my partner, I resort to online friendships and work friends. We are all so different at our approach to friendship and needs. I'm more of an introvert and that doesn't help getting out there to meet others.

 

[chocolato1]

Hey guys,

This seems like a silly question because its joked about alot in the world, but im 32 and have never had a true guy friend. I wasn't raised with men, brothers/cousins, my dad was distant and i therefore have and always had trouble relating to men or boys. im in my early 30s have a good job, own a house ect. Im starting to put more pressure on myself to get out more and meet with and learn from masculine men. It feels right to me.

The problem is as an adult, my only access to other guys are at work really. Where i work there are a few guys but they are feminized, emotional, not the kind i really want to be around. has anyone been in a similar background or situation and have successfully befriended masculine men u admire? Any advice?

same situation! same age! but the only difference is am fem as fuck and theres nothing i can do it to change was since the begining of the time i did made alot of friends but it was one on one never being invited to the alpha male hangout first its wasnt my thing secondly it was boring as hell so what im trying to say it is what it is

 

[Beefderky]

I may be reading too much into this, but it seems you are uncomfortable around men that show emotion or any efeminate traits because of your work comment. It's as if, you don't see these men as "men" just because they aren't the stereotypical "masculine" type. Perhaps you tell yourself that's not who you want to be and therefore your search to befriend a masculine man ensues. Part of me feels like you just want to be accepted for who you are but growing up without a male figure in your life made others point out your "flaws" as a man and made you feel inadequate.

I honestly think you shouldn't limit yourself to just befriending a masculine man. Try to involve all men because we are all different. You will learn from each and every one of these guys as you get to know them but you can't go into a friendship by being soo judgemental. If you do, then why should these guys want to be YOUR friend? In my opinion, acceptance is your biggest hurdle. I rather befriend someone who can be themselves, with their quirks, all their weirdness than someone who is mundane and boring because all they ever try to do is fit in. You just need friends, that's all. Efeminate or masc, who cares. Try to get to know your male coworkers as you should already have some type of in work relationship with them. You may meet more of their friends which would benefit you even more if you guys can click. Try to keep an open mind, that's all you should really do.

Remember that showing emotion, being vulnerable, being able to convey/communicate your feelings will do wonders for your personal relationships as well as real friendships. If anyone ever tells you differently, they are most likely people you don't need in your life. How can you be wrong just being who you are?

 

[deleted904844]

I recently turned 31 and I have the same issue, except that I don't have a fulfilling professional life to compensate for that. I'm not used to talking about my own problems, but I recognize myself quite well in this thread. I never had a male figure, my dad is also distant and I never really liked him. I've no brother, while my cousins were distant.

I never had many friends at school, because I suffered from a lack of self-confidence and school bullying. The few friends I was able to make didn't have such a strong friendship in a reciprocal way and as soon as I left school, then university, I didn't hear from them or they showed their disinterest in preserving this friendship. It wasn't for lack of trying, but maybe I was being too possessive?

As far as my straight acquaintance/friends, as soon as they leave college, they pair up and get married with their girlfriend. They cut themselves off from their old friends, even more so when they have a kid together. From then on, they lead their own life and you are no longer part of it. Sometimes they break up with their former friends under pressure from their girlfriend/wife. I have witnessed it quite often.

As a gay man myself, I also failed to have gay friends, masculine or not (I don't care), because they never really expressed their need to have new friends. They have those of their childhood, and that's it.

Now that I'm over 30, I've noticed that people maintain relations with people of the same social condition as them. It's something I didn't pay attention to when I was 20, because it wasn't very meaningful. Knowing that I have not succeeded in my professional life, I noticed that. It excludes you from certain social circles (well, that's not necessarily a bad thing, it may save you from insincere and self-interested relationships).

I came to the conclusion that it was extremely difficult to make sincere friendships as an adult. I recognize that I can be cold, but I believe that I built up a shell. I think I got more sour as I got older. I would say loneliness is the feeling I've felt the most in my life so far. Despite my love relationships, there has always been this lack of a real friendship.

I'm sorry for this depressing post. But it makes me feel good to talk about it, to be able to put into words what I feel, and to know that other people suffer from it too.

 

[Jimmyjimmyjames]

I'm in a similar situation and all I can say is that it's just hard to make new friends when your older. I'm a little envious of the guys at work bonding and chatting together about their fantasy football league, kids, barbeques, etc.. I have little interest about those things but I've never really had a group of guys to chill with and talk to. They've been working together for 15-20 years so they know each other well.

For a few years I had a couple of guy friends that I could chill with and have a drink after work. But the problem is they rarely stick around - they leave to another job or move to another city.

I told myself that I should be "more social" last year but it's not always easy meeting people. Everybody's just has their own thing going on and there isn't always room for other new friends.

 

[Malikj]

Hey guys, thanks for all the replies. I dont have any answers yet, but its nice to hear other guys are going through the same stuff. I once heard of a guy has one close friend that he calls everyday on his way home from work and they both talk about their days. Thats the goal, i guess im just sayin if we are all looking, eventually we will find a local guy that wants the same. I guess its about getting through the bullshit and ego to find that guy.

Not helpful, but something thats been on my mind today