Male co worker making a fool of me, or is my brain just dented?

[billyjack4]

I want to write some things down and post it here. I don't know if it will get any replies but screw it.

A few months ago, maybe 6 months ago now, it came about to my male co worker that I had feelings for him. There is a decade age gap, with me being the older. I had been making sexualized comments to him for a few weeks but never mentioned sex to him or going over to his apartment.
The same day he found I had feelings for him, he asked if he could come over to my apartment. I was like oh its that simple? He said he didn't know how these things worked. I told him to marinate on it. The next day I asked him for his number. He gave it but then said that he had changed his mind. He said that work was already stressful and didnt want more.
I told him that I would stop making sexual comments towards him. He said that I didn't need to do that.

Before and after his mind changed, he had offered me to go to his apartment for a movie etc., he had asked if I would say yes if he asked me to go to a concert with him, he has asked to play online games with him.

Months have gone by now and its a little bit of the same but with anger and sadness.

His personality changes when other women come into the office for shift change. He perks up, he's attentive, he's chatty. He never gets this way with me. I asked him why he changes when other women come in, he said its just because he's excited to go home.

His neck was hurting a few days ago so I went out of my comfort level and started to message his neck. He said please stop 2 seconds later. That was fucking rough. I asked him if he didn't like being touched. He said not usually. I apologized for touching him. He laughed and said that it wasn't a big deal, that its not like it triggered him or anything.

That was the day I finally got through my thick skull that we would never want the same thing from each other. Was a sad day. It was a Friday.


Does he get an ego boost from knowing I am attracted to him? Is he stringing me along? Is he playing the nice guy while being dark inside?

It's tough seeing him everyday knowing I can't have him. It takes so much energy. I dont want him to leave because hes such a good worker. My mental health is hurting though. I know, I am an adult and should get over it. Its just hard.

 

[Sagittarius84]

Is this a woman's issue? Sounds like you got friendzoned, plain and simple, although to be fair:

The same day he found I had feelings for him, he asked if he could come over to my apartment. I was like oh its that simple? He said he didn't know how these things worked. I told him to marinate on it. The next day I asked him for his number. He gave it but then said that he had changed his mind. He said that work was already stressful and didnt want more.

I think you kind of put yourself there with this. Why shouldn't it be that simple? I know if I reciprocated interest to a woman that made the 1st move, and she told me to marinate upon it, I'd think she was playing games.

 

[mifflin]

Is this a woman's issue? Sounds like you got friendzoned, plain and simple, although to be fair:

I think you kind of put yourself there with this. Why shouldn't it be that simple? I know if I reciprocated interest to a woman that made the 1st move, and she told me to marinate upon it, I'd think she was playing games.

He doesn't know what is wants but it's not you for sure.

 

[hzs3fg]

Are you in the US?

Your "sexualized" repartee runs the risk of getting one or both of you fired if you are of equal job stature, and can result in lawsuit if one of you is superior to or reports to the other.

It's very possible that he recognizes the risk and wants to (needs to!) avoid the possibility of losing his job.

 

[Scarletbegonia]

I want to write some things down and post it here. I don't know if it will get any replies but screw it.

A few months ago, maybe 6 months ago now, it came about to my male co worker that I had feelings for him. There is a decade age gap, with me being the older. I had been making sexualized comments to him for a few weeks but never mentioned sex to him or going over to his apartment.
The same day he found I had feelings for him, he asked if he could come over to my apartment. I was like oh its that simple? He said he didn't know how these things worked. I told him to marinate on it. The next day I asked him for his number. He gave it but then said that he had changed his mind. He said that work was already stressful and didnt want more.
I told him that I would stop making sexual comments towards him. He said that I didn't need to do that.

Before and after his mind changed, he had offered me to go to his apartment for a movie etc., he had asked if I would say yes if he asked me to go to a concert with him, he has asked to play online games with him.

Months have gone by now and its a little bit of the same but with anger and sadness.

His personality changes when other women come into the office for shift change. He perks up, he's attentive, he's chatty. He never gets this way with me. I asked him why he changes when other women come in, he said its just because he's excited to go home.

His neck was hurting a few days ago so I went out of my comfort level and started to message his neck. He said please stop 2 seconds later. That was fucking rough. I asked him if he didn't like being touched. He said not usually. I apologized for touching him. He laughed and said that it wasn't a big deal, that its not like it triggered him or anything.

That was the day I finally got through my thick skull that we would never want the same thing from each other. Was a sad day. It was a Friday.


Does he get an ego boost from knowing I am attracted to him? Is he stringing me along? Is he playing the nice guy while being dark inside?

It's tough seeing him everyday knowing I can't have him. It takes so much energy. I dont want him to leave because hes such a good worker. My mental health is hurting though. I know, I am an adult and should get over it. Its just hard.

Quit sexualizing this man.

 

[EllieP]

Office relationships are the absolute worst. I've seen too many times where these things look wonderful, but when they go awry it's an absolute mess because you're both stuck with each other for better or worse until one of you quits or gets transferred.

I've dated guys in the same office building, and it's just as weird when you're on the elevator or at lunch.

I never once wanted to date someone in my office, but that's mainly because they were all assholes and chauvinists.

 

[Sagittarius84]

Maybe I'm biased because I got a successful relationship and subsequent marriage out of an office relationship, but I don't think the location is the primary issue here, aside from the post passive rejection weirdness that seems to be going on. OP, you bucked the traditional trend by being forthcoming with your sexual interest in a man and he immediately reciprocated, then you got coy; why did you regress to the gender role that wasnt getting you what you wanted in the 1st place?

 

[Sagittarius84]

Office relationships are the absolute worst. I've seen too many times where these things look wonderful, but when they go awry it's an absolute mess because you're both stuck with each other for better or worse until one of you quits or gets transferred.

This seems to the most common sentiment amongst women when they talk about inter office relationships, even though it's statistically very popular amongst either gender...I have my....hypotheses as to why women especially seem to be averse to these relationships, especially upon break up, but I am curious, what is the core issue that makes either gender prone to them but only one gender deeply averse to the relationship failure?

 

[hisf]

Stop giving him attention. Treat him like normal.
If he's interested, he'll let you know. If not, you're on the path to letting go already.

 

[Tight_N_Juicy]

Um... Maybe get back to work and stop thinking about your co-worker like that?

I have a coworker I'm attracted to but holy fuck this is just, I'll stop there.

 

[PostPhobos]

This seems to the most common sentiment amongst women when they talk about inter office relationships, even though it's statistically very popular amongst either gender...I have my....hypotheses as to why women especially seem to be averse to these relationships, especially upon break up, but I am curious, what is the core issue that makes either gender prone to them but only one gender deeply averse to the relationship failure?

Men and women will couple pretty much anywhere. But one of the sexes has historically disproportionately had to deal with issues like stalking, retaliation, sexual violence, etc. A bad office romance for a woman has often meant consequences for the woman that men frankly needn't worry about to the same extent.

Work sucks enough without the threat of those stressors.

 

[Sagittarius84]

But one of the sexes has historically disproportionately had to deal with issues like stalking, retaliation, sexual violence, etc. A bad office romance for a woman has often meant consequences for the woman that men frankly needn't worry about to the same extent.

Sadly, couldn't one make an argument that doesn't differ too much than any other intergendered social construct? Doesn't really explain why breakup in the workplace is that much more averse to women, and why the attitude seems to be prevalent mainly around dating male co workers in the workplace, but not necessarily male superiors, whom potentially have more of an capability to retaliate in possibly more devasting ways.

 

[PostPhobos]

Sadly, couldn't one make an argument that doesn't differ too much than any other intergendered social construct? Doesn't really explain why breakup in the workplace is that much more averse to women, and why the attitude seems to be prevalent mainly around dating male co workers in the workplace, but not necessarily male superiors, whom potentially have more of an capability to retaliate in possibly more devasting ways.

I think it's likely the same as why a woman may not wish to be out late and unaccompanied especially in cities. That may be socially constructed but it was constructed because women have tangible and very realistic reasons to be cautious of men. Similarly, work places present complications and dangers that women have learned to avoid. A workplace relationship could be just as damaging to a man's career as a woman's I suppose. Just as a man out late unaccompanied in a city may be taking on an elevated level of risk as well. But perhaps the lens of the man in both situation causes him to make an entirely different assessment of the risks. (There's also probably lots of layers to it that I don't fully understand. Expectations, for example, of women to be modest and men to be assertive. Deviations from ingrained social ques can cause people to be shunned, mocked, or ignored. I'm not a sociologist so I'm sure there's a much longer, better explanation of what I'm saying somewhere out there. I'm also sure there's many aspects of this that my cisgender man brain can't really understand, cause I don't know what it is like to work as a woman and I never will.)

I don't think it's wrong to notice that a gender specific social norm is dictating the cautious behavior, seems accurate as a description. But it isn't arbitrary I guess is the main point I'd like to say. It comes from the real lived experience of generations of women.

 

[PostPhobos]

Also no disrespect @billyjack4 but the acceptance you arrived at towards the end of your post sounds exactly where you should leave it. If you shoot your shot and it doesn't work out, it isn't something to have regrets over.

If it was going to be a thing it would've happened, there's no sense putting either of your jobs at risk for a fantasy.

Plenty of fish in the seas you don't work in.

 

[bravesoldier]

I know that kind of ruthless attraction is hard to deal with. I am dealing with a situation similar to this at work right now, just not as intense as what you describe. I get nearly animalistic when he's around. I flirt indirectly with him, and I really do think I sense his appreciation of my flirting and interest. When he walks away, I masturbate through my boxers and khakis. Sometimes his eyes say all I need to know. The thing with me is, if he's interested, he simply won't make a move. I tried to make it easier for him just yesterday but nothing. This has happened before with other guys at work, and sometimes I believe reluctance is of course due to company policies when it comes to such, and the fear of being found out, especially in a gay situation. A friend told me he thought this guy would probably do something with a guy.

Nearly a dead-end road at work though. I have played with around five guys from work, but they were not in any management type job. I think that's the kicker in this situation, plus he's probably scared to death of getting found out.

Hard to walk away from the chance though. I've been fantasizing over him for quite a few years.