My wife is a pretty well-rounded human being. She's smart and loyal, and she knows right from wrong. We've been together a long time and we've built a nice life for ourselves: Nice house, nice kids, nice friends. We're healthy, financially stable, and dare I say it: we're very content with our lot. We love each other, and I can honestly say that despite her faults, I practically worship the ground she walks on.
But she is a human being and she is a woman. She comes with certain biological imperatives which, despite our higher executive functions, are built in to our DNA. The firmware hasn't changed since before caveman times. Sure, those biological imperatives have been relegated to the depths of our subconscious, but they still exist and they influence how we walk (literally), and talk, and interact with our fellow human beings. There might be a thousand other influences coming from more evolved parts of our brains, but those fundamentals are still there, casting their votes.
She isn't even aware of the influence her biology has on her behaviour. And in the majority of her day to day interactions they don't really make any material difference. But the influences are present and they can never be entirely overridden. She probably doesn't even know that her heart rate increases slightly more, or slightly less, depending on the particular delivery man we have dropping off an Amazon parcel that week. She doesn't know that the way she walks might imperceptibly change depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle, and who she is walking past. When a sleazy taxi driver pays her an overenthusiastic compliment, her intellect and emotional intelligence tell her that it's a lecherous guy making a pass at her, and it triggers disgust: she politely bats away the compliment and alters her body language to demonstrate a lack of interest, and she is successful in deterring him. But she doesn't notice that the same compliment from an attractive man might trigger a different response. And although her intellect, loyalty, and moral values might still tell her to politely bat him away (etc), there is still some part of her subconscious that is promoting a different course of action. And who knows? Maybe that tiny nudge means that she appears that tiny little bit more approachable. Her attempt at an unambiguous brush off doesn't quite hit the target: her no doesn't mean no.
I cannot imagine a situation where my wife's intellect, loyalty, morals, and emotions would allow her to make a decision to cheat on me. The very idea of it upsets me: I'd feel rejected, unworthy, and betrayed. However I can imagine a situation in which these tiny, imperceptible influences could stack up. No individual nudge ever alerts her consciousness that she is acting on base instinct and her executive function is never called upon to kick in and intervene. Instead, her rational brain works to justify her actions by some other explanation which wouldn't compromise her values. And a man who is suitably determined, or subtle enough in his advances could continue to pull at the tiny thread of hope that will always exist in my wife's fundamental biology.
I'm not talking about a 0-100mph sprint to the finish line. I'm talking about every baby step along the way. She never knows when it's gone too far - or even if she does think, at some point, that it's gone too far, then she doesn't quite understand how she got there, nor how to retrace her steps back to who she really is. If she had the perspective of an outsider, she might realise how inapproprate, or even pathetic, her behaviour is becoming. But inside her mind she is telling herself a different story: she's just making polite conversation with somebody; she always sits like this; it's too hot for a jacket; it's ok for her to talk to other adults; he's not hitting on her he's just being friendly; yes he's attractive but that's not why she's talking to him.
I want to explore this further. I love chatting about this topic and related topics. It helps me get my own thoughts in order and I hope that I can continue to develop and refine these thought in future pieces of writing. So if you'd like to chat, send messages, or just make a comment on what I'm writing then I would really be glad to hear from you.
If you made it this far then thank you!
But she is a human being and she is a woman. She comes with certain biological imperatives which, despite our higher executive functions, are built in to our DNA. The firmware hasn't changed since before caveman times. Sure, those biological imperatives have been relegated to the depths of our subconscious, but they still exist and they influence how we walk (literally), and talk, and interact with our fellow human beings. There might be a thousand other influences coming from more evolved parts of our brains, but those fundamentals are still there, casting their votes.
She isn't even aware of the influence her biology has on her behaviour. And in the majority of her day to day interactions they don't really make any material difference. But the influences are present and they can never be entirely overridden. She probably doesn't even know that her heart rate increases slightly more, or slightly less, depending on the particular delivery man we have dropping off an Amazon parcel that week. She doesn't know that the way she walks might imperceptibly change depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle, and who she is walking past. When a sleazy taxi driver pays her an overenthusiastic compliment, her intellect and emotional intelligence tell her that it's a lecherous guy making a pass at her, and it triggers disgust: she politely bats away the compliment and alters her body language to demonstrate a lack of interest, and she is successful in deterring him. But she doesn't notice that the same compliment from an attractive man might trigger a different response. And although her intellect, loyalty, and moral values might still tell her to politely bat him away (etc), there is still some part of her subconscious that is promoting a different course of action. And who knows? Maybe that tiny nudge means that she appears that tiny little bit more approachable. Her attempt at an unambiguous brush off doesn't quite hit the target: her no doesn't mean no.
I cannot imagine a situation where my wife's intellect, loyalty, morals, and emotions would allow her to make a decision to cheat on me. The very idea of it upsets me: I'd feel rejected, unworthy, and betrayed. However I can imagine a situation in which these tiny, imperceptible influences could stack up. No individual nudge ever alerts her consciousness that she is acting on base instinct and her executive function is never called upon to kick in and intervene. Instead, her rational brain works to justify her actions by some other explanation which wouldn't compromise her values. And a man who is suitably determined, or subtle enough in his advances could continue to pull at the tiny thread of hope that will always exist in my wife's fundamental biology.
I'm not talking about a 0-100mph sprint to the finish line. I'm talking about every baby step along the way. She never knows when it's gone too far - or even if she does think, at some point, that it's gone too far, then she doesn't quite understand how she got there, nor how to retrace her steps back to who she really is. If she had the perspective of an outsider, she might realise how inapproprate, or even pathetic, her behaviour is becoming. But inside her mind she is telling herself a different story: she's just making polite conversation with somebody; she always sits like this; it's too hot for a jacket; it's ok for her to talk to other adults; he's not hitting on her he's just being friendly; yes he's attractive but that's not why she's talking to him.
I want to explore this further. I love chatting about this topic and related topics. It helps me get my own thoughts in order and I hope that I can continue to develop and refine these thought in future pieces of writing. So if you'd like to chat, send messages, or just make a comment on what I'm writing then I would really be glad to hear from you.
If you made it this far then thank you!
