People Act Like Something Is Wrong With You?

[StaringIsCaring]

I heard people act like something is wrong with you for being asexual. How does it come up and what do you say?

 

[TrueB2]

Personally, I find myself someone (not really sure where) on the Asexual spectrum. Not sex-repulsed and can appreciate anyone's body for what it is. I look at someone that you might find sexy or whatever and the only thing is think is "They have very pleasant facial features " or something along those lines. Felt like I had to start off with that so no one assumes I hate anything to do with sex or something like that.


For me, people shrug it off or think I am just weird. Some people ask me what that means and I always think that's kind of funny. I used to think i was weird and wished I could just be some normal guy in a normal relationship. Nowadays I don't really think about it all that much. It is always a little awkward when someone asks me when I'm going to get married or if I want any kids tho lol

 

[Jake1973]

Someone I know (and fooled around with, his ill-advised idea, but that's another drink) derisively referred to asexual people as "plants". Just one of the many reasons we don't really hang out anymore.

For me I consider myself "gray ace" in that I can and do have limited kinds of sex but really don't NEED it and find some things to just be a turnoff. But I do have very distinct aesthetic tastes, find myself drawn to people with those aesthetics, and get turned on thinking about, watching and doing various things I enjoy (most of which involve voyeurism or exhibitionism in some form).

 

[Scarletbegonia]

Demi, here (only sexually attracted to people to whom I’m emotionally attracted).

My friends have often wondered aloud about me. I remind them I have a fulfilling sex life but in very proscribed situations. And I remind them that if I go outside those situations, it’s not a good experience. So why should I do it?

I have been called a frigid bitch because I want interested in going home with someone. Well, he’d bored be to tears in his clothing. Why would it get better beyond that?
No connection, no attraction.

I suggest I’m closer to the mean of a less hyper sexualized society.
From my chair, it looks like hook up culture, players and such are the aberrant actors.

 

[Guy-jin]

Mostly people do not know what it means, I’ve found. It conjures an image of someone who hates sex or doesn’t want to have it ever. Sometimes they confuse asexuality with aromanticism and think it means you don’t want companionship or a partner.

On the negative side, I’ve been accused of attention seeking, which doesn’t really make sense if you think about it. I’ve also been accused of “not being able to get any” online over it which is hilarious because 1) it’s not hard to go get some if you need some in 2020 and 2) I don’t really want any so this doesn’t bother me even if it were true?

on the positive side, I’ve had friends and even a lover say they felt after speaking with me about it that they might be in the asexual spectrum. In particular, a very close friend said it seemed like I was describing her when I described myself and it might explain our close platonic relationship and, frankly, problems in sexual relationships with others.

 

[Scarletbegonia]

What if it’s the culture that is oversaturated in cheap sex, like westerner’s arteries are oversaturated in cholesterol and fats?
What if having less impulse desire and more developed desire, however that looks for any person, makes sexual/sensual activity better?

I ask as a woman who briefly practiced niddah, where for two weeks out of the month, I didn’t touch my husband...ok, I’ve often said I was bad at being Jewish, so let’s say what that really meant... I would lightly hug, and lightly kiss, my (now ex) husband. But there wasn’t any “starting something” going on. Once I had dunked in the mikvah, we were like teenagers with adults gone for the weekend.

 

[Enid]

I'm similar to @Scarletbegonia. I definitely need emotional attraction to feel any sort of sexual attraction for another human. I also need mental attraction. Otherwise I'm cold, dead down there.

However, I also kind of feel like my actual ability to DESIRE sex with others is completely gone. It's gone! It's been years...like 5 years I guess.

I feel sexual desire but only to have orgasms alone.

And have people treated me weird when they found that out? Uh, yeah. Like I'm a freak. Or "you've given up." Nah. I simply know I have no desire for other humans to touch me sexually ever again.

 

[mineaminea]

I'm similar to @Scarletbegonia. I definitely need emotional attraction to feel any sort of sexual attraction for another human. I also need mental attraction. Otherwise I'm cold, dead down there.

However, I also kind of feel like my actual ability to DESIRE sex with others is completely gone. It's gone! It's been years...like 5 years I guess.

I feel sexual desire but only to have orgasms alone.

And have people treated me weird when they found that out? Uh, yeah. Like I'm a freak. Or "you've given up." Nah. I simply know I have no desire for other humans to touch me sexually ever again.

I am curious. It seems like you used to have desire at some point. Do you think something could have happened to cause the decrease or non-existence of desire?

 

[Scarletbegonia]

One thing to remember, high sex people, is that asexual spectrum includes so many that have certain requirements before desire comes into play.

asexuals can and do have sex. Even with others.

as a Demi, it’s all about the connection, and once that’s met, he’d better strap in, because it is going to be a wild ride.
What’s cool about it in my mind is that when his desire wavers, as long as there’s still caring activity, I’m not going to be demanding, and for a good while, not be all that concerned.
My lover leads a lot of my desire. When he’s into it, I’m into it. I do initiate, but I’m low key about it by nature (and partners that didn’t get that didn’t work out).
My guy is also low key (luckily I read low key well), so it’s a certain touch or hug that says, “I’m open to this.”
Once that happens, we would scandalize his/my neighbors. (Separate homes)

I’m talking kinky, some power exchange, and general openness.

 

[Enid]

I am curious. It seems like you used to have desire at some point. Do you think something could have happened to cause the decrease or non-existence of desire?

Very good question!

Not sure if I have a definitive answer. In my 20s, I had a lot of sexual fun with men, women, nonbinary. I didn't care. The whole thing felt surreal and a little out of body? Not because of serious problems but I just felt up for trying everything out. I was very experimental.

In my 30s I had settled into 2 serious relationships: one I entered at very early 30s and the other started late 30s and continued to earlyish 40s.

Both of these relationships changed me in major ways. Now I can't imagine anything more than that. Like, my 20s was detached, weird, fun. Observational sex and romance. Those two 30s things were the closest i EVER GOT to feeling human with an intimate partner.

Now, i am sure I'm back to my alien ways because I don't feel like I could ever connect with anyone that way again

I've always felt alien that way

 

[Scarletbegonia]

Very good question!

Not sure if I have a definitive answer. In my 20s, I had a lot of sexual fun with men, women, nonbinary. I didn't care. The whole thing felt surreal and a little out of body? Not because of serious problems but I just felt up for trying everything out. I was very experimental.

In my 30s I had settled into 2 serious relationships: one I entered at very early 30s and the other started late 30s and continued to earlyish 40s.

Both of these relationships changed me in major ways. Now I can't imagine anything more than that. Like, my 20s was detached, weird, fun. Observational sex and romance. Those two 30s things were the closest i EVER GOT to feeling human with an intimate partner.

Now, i am sure I'm back to my alien ways because I don't feel like I could ever connect with anyone that way again

I've always felt alien that way

do you see yourself as autism spectrum?

my need for attachment for sexual attraction is one thing that says I probably am not. That my otherness is more just being weird in general.

 

[Enid]

do you see yourself as autism spectrum?

my need for attachment for sexual attraction is one thing that says I probably am not. That my otherness is more just being weird in general.

Yes for me that is true. My early neurologist treating my TS/etc came to a conclusion in my 20s that I was also on the autism spectrum. I think there's a general connection between the neurological conditions. There's this old card they used to hand around at TSA meetings. "The tics are just the tip of the iceberg." There was this graphic of an iceberg with vocal/motor tics on top (visible) and other stuff like OCD, ADD/ADHD, sensory processing issues, etc below the surface. Showing it's all part of a connective spectrum.

I think fondly of feeling more connected 10 + years ago those 2 times, but it's all gone now. It's like a language I used to know but no longer know. Like a foreign language you dream about.

But is all ok I can speak cat and sci-fi geek and happy with that at this time.

 

[Scarletbegonia]

Sensory processing ties in? Hmmmm.

 

[Guy-jin]

I’ve been asked about whether I think I am on the autism spectrum before due to some overlap with asexuality but I think it’s just that—overlap. For example, my love language is physical touch but I do not want to be touched by someone I am not very close with unless it is on my terms and I know it’s coming. I went through trauma that caused me to almost become agoraphobic a few years ago. It’s not a sensory issue but rather an emotional issue for me, but it manifests in a way that overlap with sensory issues strongly.

I think about how autism and sexuality are represented as “other” in media. We are often portrayed as aliens or robots because normies find us alien or robotic. Mr. Spock, for example.

 

[Scarletbegonia]

The love language I work with is acts of service.
I’m not doing that for just anybody.
So, @Guy-jin, it makes sense you only want welcomed touch from someone close to you.


I’m still playing with sensory processing and spectrum.

could it be the researchers are going to start shoving all “weird” behaviour in the AS box?
Is it neurological fibromyalgia, the DX you reach for when you don’t know?

 

[Acrab69]

I've been called both "faggot" and "homophobic" for not fitting in with hetero/homonormative standards. Moreover, people mistrust your manhood, and they tell you if you don't have a partner that's because you have never fallen in love or you don't know how to flirt or things like that, even your family. The best is not to answer.

 

[BIGMUGGERDOG]

Is it weird that at the tender age of 19 I feel the exact same way? I have to analyze every aspect of a person to find them incredibly attractive. Even then, it’s lukewarm at best when I’m considering ‘how hot they are’.