Questioning and hoping for answers

[trucklogan]

Long time lurker here. I would probably consider myself 40%+ bi or gay and have known so since I was early teens. I'm mid-50's and feeling more and more of a pull towards the other side. Married, two grown kids, happy marriage but this huge secret weighing on me is starting to feel like it's too much. Right now, I would love to have an hour or two just to put my hands all over a fit, younger stud/jock but I know that my hairy dad bod probably doesn't appeal to much of an audience. Do I bite the bullet and hire an escort for a couple of hours and worship his body? I don't want to have penetrative sex, but would love a blowjob to completion. My wife has never been able to get me off by sucking. To complicate matters, I'm in the rural midwest, nearly 3 hours from any town of substance. Picking up an STD or getting assaulted scare the snot out of me. My only actual same sex encounters happened when I was in my early teens with a friend of the same age. And, it kills me to think of hurting my wife. I keep hoping she'll find me jacking off to porn or something and then the secret is out. I'd welcome any advice y'all have to give. TIA.

 

[Brodie888]

The risk of an STI is high if you are playing gay sex Russian roulette. It's not a trust thing. Some people genuinely don't realise they are infected when they meet you.

I would imagine your wife getting an STI while being monogamous would put a bomb in your relationship.

A male full body massage with a handjob (not oral) finish would be next to no risk and a plausible cover story. You could even tell your wife it's with a man to make her feel better (not the handjob part obviously).

Some massage guys allow touching but less common.

Make up some story of having a sore back and you are all set.