Sex and intimacy

[londonlength]

I'm a gay guy in a mostly happy, stable, long-term relationship with my partner. After a long time together (+10 years), my sexual needs are still there, but as we have got older together, our busy lives and daily stresses get in the way of being able to have sex 1-2 times a day like when we first got together. Over time it has essentially reduced to us having a fumble together more like once every two weeks, usually on weekends when we aren't tired, stressed, busy, distracted etc.

However, I'm finding more and more that the lack of sex, or rather, the pent up sexual energy inside me is getting in the way of being intimate with my partner more generally. It's manifesting as not wanting to touch him, go near him, engage him at all. There are times I just want him to bend over so I can fuck him and shoot my load, before I can start to feel intimate and like I love him. The idea of having to have lots of caressing and foreplay is just a complete barrier to me wanting to engage - because I just need to get it out of my system before I can concentrate on the intimacy side of things.

My partner is the opposite - like many people he needs that intimacy for him to feel sexual. So when we don't have sex for a couple of weeks, he needs building up and turning on, lots of touch, kissing.

As I type this I realise it makes me just sound like some knucklehead bull who doesn't care about my partner and just thinks about my base needs, but I genuinely do care about him, I want to have that connection and I crave intimacy too. I really want to make my partner feel good, I love pleasuring him, but I just get to a point where my need to cum is the barrier to my intimacy. Usually, once I have cum I can then be intimate with him, because I'm feeling relaxed and good about myself.

I don't know how to fix it. I think the answer is more regular and frequent sex, but I need to be realistic about that because again, life gets in the way. My partner has some quite rigid needs about when he goes to sleep, when he gets up, how he manages his day, and there are limited opportunities for spontaneous sex, especially when that spontanaeity needs a degree of building up. My sexual desire is at its highest mid-day or early afternoon, my partner's seems to be on Saturday mornings only. It means I am wanking a lot, just get it out of my system. Again, I realise my choice of language here about 'getting it out of the way' is indicative of a problem I might have within myself. Emotional, mental, whatever it may be.

Does anyone else have this kind of feeling or experience? I feel like I'm struggling to be a good partner and also struggling to meet my own needs here. It's getting me down, and I'm sure it doesn't make my partner feel good either.

 

[Sagittarius84]

I'm a gay guy in a mostly happy, stable, long-term relationship with my partner. After a long time together (+10 years), my sexual needs are still there, but as we have got older together, our busy lives and daily stresses get in the way of being able to have sex 1-2 times a day like when we first got together. Over time it has essentially reduced to us having a fumble together more like once every two weeks, usually on weekends when we aren't tired, stressed, busy, distracted etc.

However, I'm finding more and more that the lack of sex, or rather, the pent up sexual energy inside me is getting in the way of being intimate with my partner more generally. It's manifesting as not wanting to touch him, go near him, engage him at all. There are times I just want him to bend over so I can fuck him and shoot my load, before I can start to feel intimate and like I love him. The idea of having to have lots of caressing and foreplay is just a complete barrier to me wanting to engage - because I just need to get it out of my system before I can concentrate on the intimacy side of things.

My partner is the opposite - like many people he needs that intimacy for him to feel sexual. So when we don't have sex for a couple of weeks, he needs building up and turning on, lots of touch, kissing.

As I type this I realise it makes me just sound like some knucklehead bull who doesn't care about my partner and just thinks about my base needs, but I genuinely do care about him, I want to have that connection and I crave intimacy too. I really want to make my partner feel good, I love pleasuring him, but I just get to a point where my need to cum is the barrier to my intimacy. Usually, once I have cum I can then be intimate with him, because I'm feeling relaxed and good about myself.

I don't know how to fix it. I think the answer is more regular and frequent sex, but I need to be realistic about that because again, life gets in the way. My partner has some quite rigid needs about when he goes to sleep, when he gets up, how he manages his day, and there are limited opportunities for spontaneous sex, especially when that spontanaeity needs a degree of building up. My sexual desire is at its highest mid-day or early afternoon, my partner's seems to be on Saturday mornings only. It means I am wanking a lot, just get it out of my system. Again, I realise my choice of language here about 'getting it out of the way' is indicative of a problem I might have within myself. Emotional, mental, whatever it may be.

Does anyone else have this kind of feeling or experience? I feel like I'm struggling to be a good partner and also struggling to meet my own needs here. It's getting me down, and I'm sure it doesn't make my partner feel good either.

I think your experience is more common than you think. It mirrors a lot of what goes into hetero relationships, where women often(not always) are much more sexually enthusiastic and aggressive early on in the relationship, only to later have developed barriers of non sexual intimacy later on before such libido is present again. What's interesting is that women don't seem to inherently know how harmful this is until they relate it back to the romantic overtures that they enjoyed early on in the relationship, that time and life tend to mitigate.
This is all to say, OP your feelings are valid and worthy of some sort of addressing from your partner. How that expresses itself is up to how you and he resolve to...
Personally I'd pose it to him like this: what do you think is more amicably sustainable over the long term, me offering up non sexual intimacy to a partner that may or not offer physical reciprocation, or them extending themselves to offer more sexual encouragement, which more reliably frees you to be more intimate as they desire?

 

[nygayguy1]

I think the only way to address this is by having a serious conversation with your partner. My husband and I are together almost 27 years (next month), and I'm a lot more sexually driven than he is at this point. The honeymoon ended ages ago--that's just how it goes. But every now and then, we have to have "the chat."

I'd never do anything to risk what we have together. I do love him, and that matters more than sex. But I also feel that sex makes us closer. It's not just the pleasure of it; I feel that the bond is strengthened by my flesh being in his (and, on rare occasions, vice versa).

So every so often, if we're getting into a sexual drought, I'll actually say, we need to talk. Then I'll remind him that we have to make time to make love. The intimacy that comes with that is very important, and he knows it. His brain just doesn't prioritize it the way mine does. But he loves me, too, so if I make the point of saying we need to address it, that brings him around. We're just different that way, but the love is there.

 

[Encolpius]

Totally agree with these guys: communication is everything. My ex-husband and I faced this issue pretty soon into our relationship, but neither of us ever said anything. We didn't have sex at all during (what turned out to be) the final year of our marriage. Our split was amicable and when we had a sort of final chat, we both brought up the issue of sex and agreed that we should have talked about it. The lack of sex was not the sole reason we broke up, but it didn't help.

Believe me, you're not alone in your frustration. It can be fascinating to notice the changes in relationships that come with age, etc, but it can also be difficult. Awkward as it can be to bring up something so personal, it's essential. It's natural to feel defensive and to hear blame (even when it's not there) because it's such a personal, vulnerable, intimate issue. But you've been together for more than ten years, which suggests you've been through other issues together and survived. Also, you said that you feel like you're struggling to be a good partner, which I think means you're already a good partner because you're concerned about him and his needs too. Be kind to yourself and trust what you've built up. Together you can find ways around this. Hope that doesn't sound patronising!

 

[deleted955030]

Agree generally with all those above, especially that a serious conversation about both of your needs is needed. As someone who in this context is more like your partner and having been in a 5-year marriage that deteriorated partially, or really better phrased, collapsed thereafter due to this very situation (on top of others), I would address it slightly different. I will do this - something concrete he expresses he wants, if he does this - something concrete you want, even it starts off as something small to address both of your concerns.

In my situation, I actually went with Sagitarrius84's second option and it destroyed my desire to want sex or be intimate with my late husband. Like your partner, my day was managed stringently. Half the time, I would eat lunch on the go. When my spouse brought to my attention he wanted more, I made the time despite not being mentally and emotionally all there "to bend over and take it." However, the rate at which he got the sex he wanted vs the rate which he dealt the intimacy I desired was not proportional to my needs. This led to him being upset because I completely stopped initializing, being engaged in, or enjoying sex with him because I literally just felt like a body to him. Unlike alot of men, I do not feel like sex makes me closer to them unless I already feel close to them.

I say this to say two things, no judgments, I mean no disrespect. In my experience and from a few others I have come across on my path, when a person who needs more intimacy is receiving intimacy on some routine basis that gets some of their needs met, meets or exceeds their needs, it is much less likely that their partners go weeks without having sex, especially when that need is verbalized, demonstrated, etc. Many, especially those who do not need intimacy upfront, may be surprised at how stacking small gestures even just throughout a day toward someone who needs intimacy will keep their wheels greased, for a lack of better verbiage at the moment, so that it does not feel like molasses moving later. Consider it analogous to an explosive hot quickie as compared to like edging.

The second, and whereas I personally would think it more amicable for your partner to extend his hand first in this situation so that you are more readily able to meet his needs, I would (friendly) challenge you to think about how you can keep the intimacy there for him. Reason being, it takes more time to get him there. Regardless of how quickly you get there, it is (always) going to take him time, and the less time spent getting him there, the more time it is going to take later. Again, for you, this is not a problem, and the reason why I think it a slightly better idea after having discussed all the concerns, to have a plan on how you both plan to address the others need so that you both feel that your needs are being met.

 

[Sagittarius84]

In my situation, I actually went with Sagitarrius84's second option and it destroyed my desire to want sex or be intimate with my late husband. Like your partner,

I don't think this is the worst thing. In that as a long term partner, especially if the relationship started in such a way in which no such coaxing was necessary to initiate sexual intimacy, if you don't have a natural urge to keep that up short of medical issues, maybe that isn't the correct person to be with. I don't recommend it as a long term strategy if it isn't paying emotional dividends, but better to dissolve such a pairing sooner rather than later anyways.
With a lot of threads like these, I'm always wondering the willingness to minimize the role of an obligation of sexual intimacy, when a specific context is established, while such things as romantic overtures, protection and provision, open and honest communication, and sexual fidelity are obligations not expected to be as contingent upon subjective means.
Just imagine if a lot of partners turned around and said, "In making an effort to provide more open communication and non sexual intimacy for a partner that isn't sexually reciprocal, I found it destroyed my desire for non sexual touch, and that I really don't like communicating with them."

 

[deleted955030]

I don't think this is the worst thing. In that as a long term partner, especially if the relationship started in such a way in which no such coaxing was necessary to initiate sexual intimacy, if you don't have a natural urge to keep that up short of medical issues, maybe that isn't the correct person to be with. I don't recommend it as a long term strategy if it isn't paying emotional dividends, but better to dissolve such a pairing sooner rather than later anyways.
With a lot of threads like these, I'm always wondering the willingness to minimize the role of an obligation of sexual intimacy, when a specific context is established, while such things as romantic overtures, protection and provision, open and honest communication, and sexual fidelity are obligations not expected to be as contingent upon subjective means.
Just imagine if a lot of partners turned around and said, "In making an effort to provide more open communication and non sexual intimacy for a partner that isn't sexually reciprocal, I found it destroyed my desire for non sexual touch, and that I really don't like communicating with them."

Apologies. I do not fully follow all you have stated so will respond to what I can.

I concur that it may not be the worse thing, but that is honestly in the eye of the beholder in correlation to his/her/their needs. There are many reasons outside a person not being the "correct one" or medical issue for their to not be a natural urge. Compounded stress, non-medically related changes beyond a person's control and personal growth are but to name a few, and they affect everybody differently. I would also note that people change. They are meant to change. And so too will relationships. How it begins does not necessarily hold as much weight to how a couple decides to continue one should they.

If I am understanding your second point correctly, I would say that if romantic overtures, protection and provisions, etc., are not expected contingent upon some agreement, it almost always means at least one of two things. Either it is a nonissue, i.e. those things are already being given in a sufficient manner or are not necessary to meet a need, or that the parties involved are actively together attempting at least to understand and resolve the issue. But, as you stated previously, and to clarify my perspective, I also do not recommend my perspective as a long term strategy, rather as an initial step if all parties involved are approaching the issue from completely different spaces, especially since OP's significant other has a very regimented, planned day-to-day and has not prioritized the sexual/intimate relationship.

Nonetheless, a partner making and showing that they are making the effort is a completely different context. But, let's take your perspective on for size. In my relationship, I made an overt effort. It was not reciprocated. If the overt effort is not reciprocated, then it is time to reinform the partner of the importance of the reciprocation and that you may have to look other where to have that need met. I did this, which is what I would suggest in your anecdote. For me, nothing changed, so I decided to separate. The same option would exist for those in your anecdote. This, however, is different from OP's position. It is not as though his partner does not have sex with him. His partner simply does not prioritize it as he does, so planning and making a priority of sex and intimacy appears to me the best way. Whether this appears as I will do this if you do this, let me make make sure I add this to my schedule so I can get what I need to, or however, it is still a commitment to prioritize and address the need of the other because both are seen as important.

 

[deleted955030]

I don't think this is the worst thing. In that as a long term partner, especially if the relationship started in such a way in which no such coaxing was necessary to initiate sexual intimacy, if you don't have a natural urge to keep that up short of medical issues, maybe that isn't the correct person to be with. I don't recommend it as a long term strategy if it isn't paying emotional dividends, but better to dissolve such a pairing sooner rather than later anyways.
With a lot of threads like these, I'm always wondering the willingness to minimize the role of an obligation of sexual intimacy, when a specific context is established, while such things as romantic overtures, protection and provision, open and honest communication, and sexual fidelity are obligations not expected to be as contingent upon subjective means.
Just imagine if a lot of partners turned around and said, "In making an effort to provide more open communication and non sexual intimacy for a partner that isn't sexually reciprocal, I found it destroyed my desire for non sexual touch, and that I really don't like communicating with them."

Honestly, the difference in our opinions is small. I simply am placing more emphasis on both people making space for the other as they achieve what they want in different fashions. Please correct me if I am wrong, but I see yours more as a discussion about who is arguably more freed to give the other person what they want, which for me does not necessarily correlate to all interested parties getting what they need or their need being shown as important, which is different from it actually been thought of as important, and the reason for my statement.

 

[Sagittarius84]

My discussion is more of an observation of when compromise and mutual understanding are posited reality tends to facilitate and incentivize one particular side over the other, which is a recipe for future resentment; on OPS case, as you said his partner is still having sex with him but the lack of priority about sex is causing him to no longer feel free to be non sexually intimate, which will inevitably mitigate his sexual access. A benign gesture, one that may not be as fulfilling as intercourse, say handjob Tuesdays, could be offered instead.
But these stories all seem to have a common thread; these intimacy needy folk seem really sexually self starting when it's time to lock down a mate, only for these increased needs to become present once the honeymoon period is over, which even if not in a malevolent fashion, needs to be recognized for as deceptive as it is, and how that dynamic change is a big part of why they may not get the non sexual intimacy that may get them going more often. It also needs to be highlighted just how apt these people tend to be at getting with partners whom don't require such things as opposed to an equally difficult individual whom would probably be a lot more empathetic.
My spouses stories are going to get boring and annoying, should that really have a palpable effect on how willing I am to listen to them at any given time, even if I'm not in the mood? As her body changes and ages much more rapidly than I, am I not supposed to extend myself to be as attracted to her(and willing to act on it) as I started out?

 

[deleted955030]

But these stories all seem to have a common thread; these intimacy needy folk seem really sexually self starting when it's time to lock down a mate, only for these increased needs to become present once the honeymoon period is over, which even if not in a malevolent fashion, needs to be recognized for as deceptive as it is, and how that dynamic change is a big part of why they may not get the non sexual intimacy that may get them going more often. It also needs to be highlighted just how apt these people tend to be at getting with partners whom don't require such things as opposed to an equally difficult individual whom would probably be a lot more empathetic.

Interesting points. I posit some questions then. I assume we both can agree the gay community at large, though obviously not a monolith, and a majority of men within it prioritize sex, no? What then do you tell a gay man who needs more intimacy he should do to catch a viable mate? Good luck? Enjoy the single life? Be more sexual adventurous until you cannot anymore? Look outside the community? Not my problem?

Let's highlight that mediums dedicated to gay men, and I say that loosely, revolves around sex. This is the rule. If not, or if I am mistaken, can you point me to even just three for gay men that is not, does not become, or is not exceptionally niche?

Nonetheless, what you highlight is but one of many effects of a community prioritizing the needs of the majority without much of any outlet for the minority. Statistically speaking, in this situation it means those of the minority are so much more likely to end up with one from the majority if they seek a mate, because, and I guess this may be news to some, there are more in a majority. Simple statistics really.

Sarcasm meant, I always love when those of the majority say actions of a minority are deceptive, which merely signifies someone in the majority did not get everything they assumed they should, without little to any understanding. More oft than not, they fail to realize, truly understand, or better yet, even care to see how communities, systems, etc., they are within pigeonholes minority members into such quote unquote deceptive practices. In this case, either a gay man who needs more intimacy must extend himself early on to obtain a mate, which is considered deceptive by many in the majority rather than playing the hand they've been dealt, or simply run the high risk of not having a mate since the majority of potential mates fall into a category requiring the former "deceptive practices." But hey, I get it. Not a problem for those in majority. Not even as much as a bat of the eye other than to find fault, but rarely ever empathy, understanding or acknowledgement.

As far as your example, aging is inevitable. It is expected, so too then the extending of each party to remain attracted to each other and fulfill each others' needs. Your spouse needing more intimacy is not something those of the majority who need sex see as an inevitability. In fact, they tend to see it as "deceptive" or an unnecessary change. Reality posits that people change, which means you will not feel the same toward someone every day of your life, or that you even should. In fact, your love growing for someone more means you feel differently today than you did yesterday.

Regardless, and an assumption on my part, I feel this thread has been derailed from its original purpose because you did not like my response to OP simply because I made a reference to something you said, which in no way was meant to target you or downplay your opinion. Rather it was a starting point to provide context from a different perspective that nobody else in the thread expressed and probably do not share, and to attribute credit to the one who first mentioned it. It is also duly noted that it is very likely you either have little to no empathy for, understanding of, or, and perhaps more likely, even the desire to do either in this case, which is your prerogative. Do you as I am sure you will. There is no point in discussing an opposing perspective to one who, despite how you phrase it is, is not open to it. Unlike a minority, rarely does the majority have to directly interact daily with a truly opposing frame of reference. For those reasons, I will bow out of this conversation. Have a blessed one, if you are religious, namaste, if you are spiritual, and have a good night otherwise.

 

[Sagittarius84]

Empathy doesn't equal condoning. Within the the hetero world I am nothing but empathetic for the lack of romantic choices afforded to short men...doesn't mean I'll ever look over one lying about their height on a dating profile to increase their chances of a match. We can diatribe on the morality of preferences held by dating populations all day, doesn't make it any less deceptive when one misrepresents themselves to adhere to those preferences. A catfish is a catfish no matter how noble their intentions.
You posit this as a majority vs minority concern, but conveniently overlook the options afforded to the minority that they also tend to overlook because of their particular preferences. How many gay men whom lament how their increased need for non sexual intimacy doesn't put them at a statistical advantage in the dating market, are actually willing to examine and challenge their own biases to a population of men previously unseen because they don't meet their arbitrary standards of physical or socioeconomic attractiveness? Should they be accepting of these men if they find out later they purported themselves in a certain way to game the system? Or are they afforded the same sense of feeling deceived?
I get that things change with time, people age, circumstances change...but I don't think individuals either blessed to retain, or whom work to maintain the foundations upon which they have established relationships have an onus to extend themselves beyond what the dynamic party is willing to compromise or supplement in the wake of the shaky foundation they chose to operate from.

 

[Sagittarius84]

Also as far as the majority within any construct...to say they pigeonhole the minority blatantly ignores their desires and preferences as well as I don't think anyone can or wants to claim that sexually forward individuals hold a monopoly on physically or socioeconomically attractive people...so more often than you think a lot of sex forward gay men have to do the hard work of mitigating their desires and extending themselves to acquire and maintain partners that meet their standard of beauty or lifestyle...just as many, if not more opting to temporarily align their sex drives to that of a particularly attractive example with heightened intimacy needs, only to push for more sex later...to which I doubt you'd have little trouble identifying as deceptive(but not necessarily malevolent) behavior.

 

[nhguy78]

My marriage feels like this. It's not terrible or even bad. We have different needs and attractions which we ignored for a long time. He came out as heterosexual who loves me but then said he's more pansexual. I came out as asexual. These things are earth shattering for some but we took it all in stride. It changes nothing between us. We still snuggle and can be intimate.

Talking about our needs and desires is crucial to our well being which will affect our relationships. I used to be bottom for him whenever i could. It slowly morphed into me topping all the time and giving him sensual massages whenever he wanted them. The sensual things i needed i couldn't voice because it was his time and his pleasure. When we cleaned up, we moved on and that was it. He assumed that me giving him a sensual massage was my pleasure which was furthest from the truth. He assumed that when i bottomed for him the mere act of allowing myself to be penetrated was pleasurable for me. it wasn't. All these things built up and made me feel i was being drained of any desire i had. So, now I'm in the process of learning what i want and need.

What i want can not ever again be defined by the pleasure i give to someone else. It may seem selfish but knowing and defining your wants and need is self care. The takeaway i have for this how do I present this in an acceptable way that won't unwittingly hurt him.

 

[AgHarley]

I'm a gay guy in a mostly happy, stable, long-term relationship with my partner. After a long time together (+10 years), my sexual needs are still there, but as we have got older together, our busy lives and daily stresses get in the way of being able to have sex 1-2 times a day like when we first got together. Over time it has essentially reduced to us having a fumble together more like once every two weeks, usually on weekends when we aren't tired, stressed, busy, distracted etc.

However, I'm finding more and more that the lack of sex, or rather, the pent up sexual energy inside me is getting in the way of being intimate with my partner more generally. It's manifesting as not wanting to touch him, go near him, engage him at all. There are times I just want him to bend over so I can fuck him and shoot my load, before I can start to feel intimate and like I love him. The idea of having to have lots of caressing and foreplay is just a complete barrier to me wanting to engage - because I just need to get it out of my system before I can concentrate on the intimacy side of things.

My partner is the opposite - like many people he needs that intimacy for him to feel sexual. So when we don't have sex for a couple of weeks, he needs building up and turning on, lots of touch, kissing.

As I type this I realise it makes me just sound like some knucklehead bull who doesn't care about my partner and just thinks about my base needs, but I genuinely do care about him, I want to have that connection and I crave intimacy too. I really want to make my partner feel good, I love pleasuring him, but I just get to a point where my need to cum is the barrier to my intimacy. Usually, once I have cum I can then be intimate with him, because I'm feeling relaxed and good about myself.

I don't know how to fix it. I think the answer is more regular and frequent sex, but I need to be realistic about that because again, life gets in the way. My partner has some quite rigid needs about when he goes to sleep, when he gets up, how he manages his day, and there are limited opportunities for spontaneous sex, especially when that spontanaeity needs a degree of building up. My sexual desire is at its highest mid-day or early afternoon, my partner's seems to be on Saturday mornings only. It means I am wanking a lot, just get it out of my system. Again, I realise my choice of language here about 'getting it out of the way' is indicative of a problem I might have within myself. Emotional, mental, whatever it may be.

Does anyone else have this kind of feeling or experience? I feel like I'm struggling to be a good partner and also struggling to meet my own needs here. It's getting me down, and I'm sure it doesn't make my partner feel good either.

Wow, sex twice a day, daily, that’s a pace that probably most couples could not sustain. We have sex on the weekends and it seems to work okay for us.